Are you normal for resenting her? Yes, if what you say here is accurate. As a matter of fact you have every right to resent him as well considering the situation. Right now, my main concern would be for the safety of your daughter. I don't think there are any "fair rules" when it comes to harm to your child. Honestly? I would put a nanny cam in her room. If you get it on tape YOU can address it with her. There will be no refuting it and even Daddy can't deny it. Take her power to control the family away from her if dad won't. It isn't her place and it isn't healthy for your daughter. Another thing I see is something that I think we have in common. I just discovered why I have been losing my mind. I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is called "invalidation". It is what your husband is doing. It honestly can and does make you crazy and sick. Figuring it out was the battle for me. I feel like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. My man and I would have these conversations about "the kids" and I tried in the most kind terms and voices to explain why I was worried or hurt...wow, you wouldn't believe how insane someone who really does love you, can make you. Google Susan J. Elliott Invalidation of Feelings and see if her points hit home for you.

Yes, absolutely normal. In fact, my SD is wonderful -- really as good as a stepkid can get -- but I still struggle with feelings of anger and resentment in the normal flare-up moments that any blended family has.

Witzend - I don't have any advice because I'm dealing with similar issues, but wanted to tell you I can defintely relate. My youngest SD sounds like yours...very sweet in an almost Eddie Haskell sort of way, but man if she doesn't get her way or someone disagrees with her, she can rage, talks about pushing people out windows, writes hate notes, and also been known to bite and punch. I've found a few notes she's written and left for DH to find referring to me as his "stupid __insert first name here__" and goes on about how sad she is and crys herself to sleep...totally BS to make him feel bad. I'fe left a couple of them by DH's keys and wallet for him to find and they mysteriously disappear with no word mentioned I also get the same pissing contest response from DH...mention something about SD I'm concerned about and I get a laundry list of what's wrong with my DD.

ojykceb - I like your advice about invalidation, I'm going to look that up.

Nanny cam. I highly recommend it. Don't tell anyone about it. Then when she is awful to your daughter, your husband will see it with his own two eyes.

Yes the hidden camera is soon to be coming to our home too. I am so sick of the lying and stealing that goes on with sd15 and sd14. Also sick of defending myself to my dh whenever I tell him that they have done something or taken something. The problem I have is that I never have any proof as they will always lie their way out of it. I found a great mini camera that is hidden in a pen, so, very easy to leave somewhere. I can't wait to see the faces on dh's angels when they realise they can't lie their way out anymore when I have proof. I know your situation is not the same but I would definitely set up a camera and catch your sd setting up you bd.

Agree with Crayon here. I'm not sure the camera thing would go over very well with my DH. He'd overlook what he saw before his very eyes for the sake of being furious at me for "spying" on his little angels.

Witzend..I feel your pain. I through the same thing! It's guilt parenting. I don't care if he has her full time or eow. It wasn't until we went to therapy that things started changing. He finally admitted that the reason he refuses to correct her is b/c it means change. He doesn't want to spend the only 4 days a months he has her correcting her. The therapist made my fdh understand a lot of things. As well, I disengaged...which has helped a lot! :o) Be he lived the same way as your SO and I lived the same way as you did. So I can totally sympathize. :o)

Your both very territorial over your children. If your husband feels like your trying to make his daughter look bad, then naturally he will defend her and vice versa. I think you both need to sit down privately and talk and come to one solid ground. Rules for both daughter to abide by, equal consequences for their actions. Then you should have a sit down with both daughters ate the table and lay the law down and you and your husband tell them how it's going to be.

" Faith is a bird that feels dawn breaking and sings while it's still dark"-R.Tagore

Hi Witzen,

  I feel your pain. I have 3 SD's and the oldest was much like your SD. She didn't seem to have genuine emotions, but was able to cry on cue when she got into trouble with her dad. Her dad fell down the stairs once and hurt his back badly. While he was laying on the floor and the rest of us were gathered around him, seeing if we needed to call an ambulance, I looked over and saw her still sitting on the couch, phone in hand, looking bored. That was when I knew she wasn't like the other kids. 

Thankfully, after threatening to hit me when I asked her to do her chores, she gave her dad an ultimatum at 17. "Leave (sheildmaiden) or I will never speak to you again. " He refused her demands, and she went to live with her biomom. Now she is out on her own ( a few years and one drug bust later) and living in a one bedroom apartment with a roomie and 10 cats. The smell is so horrible even her sisters don't want to visit her. LOL. 

But now her younger sister is having anger issues and depression, and her dad doesn't want me to interfere. He thinks he can magically cure her himself. I finally talked him into family therapy. I am hoping the therapist will see the dynamic that he is sheltering her more than is healthy, and point it out for me. He is a good man, but he is blind when it comes to his kids. He thinks he can protect them from life. Mistakes are how we learn, so I don't understand this desire to encapsulate them into a safe little bubble. I would recommend family therapy for you as well. Maybe if your husband hears it from a professional, he might actually listen?

Please look into reactive attachment disorder. My oldest ( she is my step daughter that I adopted) had this disorder and many of the things you mention regarding your step daughter's behavior reminds me of reactive attachment disorder. I understand that you have been apart of your step daughters life since she was very young but reactive attachment disorder can be triggered by even the earliest life events. Some specialists in the field suspect that it can even occur from maternal drug use, mental illness and other factors during pregnancy. 

into your life.

Regardless of who they are, their age, etc... If they are incessently toxic, they earn the resentment.

How we deal with that, is on us and is our choice.

As for the hyper over reaction and violence... the solution that works with most bullies is to recieve a brutal ass whoopin from one of their targeted victims.

That is what ultimately ended me being a target for bullies as a kid. I was easy going and nonconfrontational. I still am. However, when I reached about 12yo I came to the realization that getting hit hurts and I was going to get hit by a bully, the bully would bleed. So, I started fighting back and they learned to leave me alone. 

It took some facial reconstruction, dental work, sutures, etc... for a few of them to learn, but they learned. I did not win every event, but they for sure didn't win and left in far worse shape than I did.

It is pretty interesting that when a bully would target me and had to go for medical treatment, they were the ones who were disciplined at school. Not me.  I know, the whole school bully landscape has changed in the intervening 40+/- years since I dealt with my bully problems. However, effective is effective.

It may take your 10yo going ape shit on your 12yo SD to give SD some clarity. When that happens, the message to both girls is.... "good job standing up for yourself (to DD)", and "See what happens when you pick on someone who has had enough of your crap? (to SD)".  DH needs to understand that when his violent and toxic spawn gets her ass kicked by your DD, he needs to STFU and stay out of it.

IMHO of course.

Get your daughter to an MMA class so she can learn to quickly mitigate the threat that her StepSister represents.