disengagement
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It hit me today as to this notion as it hit home.
I guess everyone who is dealing with the baggage of their new spouses divorce comes to this point and it seems the only option.
My spouse comes to me for help and support and then I spend hours of my time and energy trying to help with his problems and for nothing. I could go back to work in public health and at least get paid for my time and efforts but it seems futile at home.
I am going to concentrate my efforts to remain out of my husband and his adults kids issues as it seems to just be a waste of my time.
It is hard to detach and/or
It is hard to detach and/or disengage. I tend to have a very kind heart and it gets me in trouble. When I'm sympathetic it usually costs me money and a toll on my emotional well being. A lot of my therapist sessions are dealing with DH and his grown children. I'm pretty sure my DH still has issues with his ex-wife and guilt over the divorces he's had (2 of them, kids from each marriage). His last divorce was in 2004 but he still mentions her from time to time and it's not fair. My husband died almost 3 years ago and we sure as heck aren't living in his memory. I think I got the raw end of the deal like you. It's hard to love our men when they and their children cause us suffering at times, huh? Take care of yourself first. Let your husband notice he's not the center of your universe.
Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (18). DH has been married twice before me.
I thought it was hard too...
I thought it was hard too... but then something clicks and its not hard to do.
It's a matter of keeping your sanity and manintaining good boundries. When you get sick of it, something will click and it won't be hard to do.
I'm just thankful my self esteem is intact and I have no mental illness, as those are 2 things that could keep you involved with the drama and BS for a long time... to where it gets under your skin and hurts you.
As far as my husband, he is a good man and we have no issues except when it comes to his kids as they are very irresponsible and don't want to grow up at all. He sees this and is aware of it, unfortunate for him... he is having to still deal with his daughters drama ( she is an adult) somewhat as she is apparently mentally ill.
Glad to hear she is going to counseling because she sure needs to be.
It sounds like your hubby
It sounds like your hubby really just needs a sounding board - maybe he really isn't looking for you to offer ideas or "fix" his problems. If you are like me, that is easier said than done - I think it is that way for most of us. But to disengage means pulling your support from your husband as well, and it sounds like he may be dealing with some pretty serious issues. I thinking coming into the relationship with adult schildren is in some ways more difficult. You weren't there for all the cute-bonding moments, or even the trauma/drama in their lives that formed them into who they are. It makes its harder to understand.
Next time, try just listening - don't offer solutions - just listen and see if the outcome makes you feel any different.
Good luck
I am pulling my support from
I am pulling my support from him.
I have to... for my own sanity. I have been listening but no more.
His kid, his problem.
and......... I know he will not want to deal with her drama.
I'm not going to deal with it either.
My husband is also
My husband is also disengaging, its too much stress for him to be involved as all his ex does is play games and his kids are the victim of PAS. He had to take off work today as he could not sleep after several events of this week with his kids, mostly adult daughter but now too some issues with a son.
He says he has no choice but to disengage at this point and he has been angry all week trying, trying, trying to deal with daughter.
Now its time for her to make her own life and quit blaming him for all her issues.
My husband says he is going to stop trying as trying never seemed to help,it was only when he stopped trying things got better.
His ex will be very sorry to find out her using PAS on her kids, will come back on her.
I'm only glad his kids are not young.
My best to them but we are through trying. There is nothing we can do with the court systems as they side with bio mom, even if she is a skanky psycho.
It's just getting better and
It's just getting better and better here for us...
we let go and are going to let God take care of things.
My husband and I are both relaxing more and speaking for myself....
I am glad SD is an adult as she can yap and cry all she wants, she needs to grow up and because she is no longer getting all she wants from her mother, as her mother has a new man in her house, SD is just going to have to either move out into her own place or find a way to find her own way as she is an adult,
basically to say, we are not responsible for her choices. We can only lead her and that is not ongoing discussion.
She should maybe start looking for a husband, since she is too big for santas lap
We will just stay out of the way, hold strong to our boundries and let God work on her. Hopefully she will be able to get on her own before she turns 40, but if not...
it was not our choice and we are powerless over her choices.
She will just have to live with them.
Just like we all do.
Your husband and his
Your husband and his daughter are a waste of time? Wow............I suggest you ask yourself, WWJD?