My advice, being both a mother and a step-mother, is just make her feel important! Time is always an issue when you have children, but all a mother/wife wants is to feel like she's number one in your life. That doesn't mean cutting out the kids stuff, it just means uping the romance in the short time that you do have! I.E. in the evenings after the kids go to bed pull out her favorite desert, movie, etc and spend some time with her then. In the morning write her notes, with specifics.. such as how much you love her and appreciate (you fill in the blank with something she did). Leave a card in her driver seat in the car for no reason. Text message her during the day. Pick her a flower. Really, it's just the small things that count. Women just want to feel appreciated, so if you get that down, she'll gladly adjust to schedule! Best of luck!

ooh ooh. I have a DH just like you. I would love to discuss this with you.

"The boys are 7 & 9 and are involved with sport each season and I usually coach them. This takes up a lot of time but we manage to make it work"

No. She told you it's not working. While I admire DH for being an active father, he does constantly puts his marriage second. It's doubly frustrating when we finally have alone time and he is exhausted from all the sports. Nothing as sexy as a man with raccoon eyes.

"I feel the things I do for the kids in a normal marriage (classified as both parents being bio-parents to kids) that the wife would very much appreciate all those things I listed above that I do for the kids/family."

Not her kids, doesn't benfit her in any way, shape, form or fashion. So , what do you do to benefit your marriage? what can you do to take care of her? The advice from run down Mommy is awesome but I would take it a step further. (get it? a step further?) Why can't you divide your time 50/50 between her and kids, divide the chores 50/50 as well?

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

You also might try reading the book "The Five Love Languages". Maybe you are just not 'speaking' your wife's love language... i.e., you are not doing or saying what your wife needs to feel loved.

The 5 languages are this:
Quality Time
Receiving Gifts
Acts of Service
Physical Touch
Words of Affirmation

So for example, if you are contstantly helping her with housework and what not (Acts of Service) but Quality Time is what she needs to know you love her, she will never be satisfied unless you are carving out time in your busy schedule to just be with her and show her attention regularly. You need to find out what makes her tick.

Does the bio mom not help out with things? What about hte weekends that they are with their mom, do you spend time with your wife or do you go out and do other things?

I'm a SM of two boys and I sometimes feel how your wife feels, but we have the SS's ½ of the time so there is alone time. But I also work a F/T & P/T job, do 90% of the housework, EVERYONE's laundry, pay all the bills, do all the grocery shopping, fix all meals, dishes, plus help with the boys etc. Some days I feel like a cook/maid instead of a wife. I get stressed and annoyed and feel unappreciated, BUT my DH will always thank me for fixing dinner with a kiss and he will do dishes afterwards. He will thank me for doing the laundry or buying him chips at the store. I know that sounds dumb, but seriously the small things go SO far. He doesnt do it all the time but quite often. He will put the boys to bed early if he feels we havent had alone time. We will also go to bed than and have some alone time and leave others things unattended if we have to make time for ourselves.

They are NOT her children and thats something you cant understand. You feel differently about them, as they are yours. My DH moved into my house which was fully furnished and his kids have ruined my couch and chairs and that is upsetting to me, as I worked hard to pay for this expensive furniture and he may not view that as a big deal but I do. I always tell myself I may feel differently when I have one of my own, but it will be my own. She shouldnt have to do things 50/50 for YOUR children, she may but she is not obligated. I do, do it b/c I want to help my DH and I want to spend QT with him. Yes I do get frustrated doing so, but I love my husband very much and these are choices and responsibilites I accepted when I decided to marry him.

I think you can show your wife you appreciate her by simple thank you's and asking her for a date night, even if its a movie and popcorn on your couch. You just have to make the extra lil' effort. Leave her a card or a special note. The kids should have a bedtime and one night, send them to bed earlier so you can spend time with her.

Sounds lke a good start, Chadwick. Don't forget to make sure your putting out regularly too. hahah

"Courage is fear holding on a minute longer." General George S. Patton

Chadwick,
I'm in the same situation my husband has custody of his two boys and coaches them and so forth. They are a bit older so it can be a little easier as they get older it will probably get easier. I feel the same way as your wife probably does. Sometimes I do it all and he helps out and I call him and he can't talk and has to do this or do that. But he makes a point to tell me how much he loves me and appreciates all that I do for him and his boys and guess what, that is all I need to hear. So just try it for a while and that will definitely make her feel appreciated.

chadwick, you sound like a regular parent. I wouldn't be kicking myself so much if I were you. You seem to be wanting to make things better for your wife and not ignoring her needs.

As a biomom and a stepmom I can totally understand how life just gets in the way. I'm sorry, but unless you are superman, I don't think there is really anything else you can do for everyone else. There is nothing wrong with doing something for yourself either regarding your mention of watching other sporting events.

You received some good advice as far as trying to keep the romance alive. That seems to be what happens in regular in-tact families as well when there are children involved. Usually it is mom that forgets about the marriage. Don't stop doing the things you do for your kids, but try not to overdo. Leave some time for your wife and for yourself as well. You sound like you're going to burn out.

My DH has 3 kids and he is very active in their sports activities and schooling. I do wish we had more couple time together, but I know at certain times it's just not feasible.

What I appreciate most is when he comes home from soccer practice and I'm cooking supper or folding laundry or what have you, he comes up behind me, wraps his arms around me in a big warm hug, kisses me on the cheek or neck and says, "Hey, love. How was your day?" Then helps me out for a few while we visit before he starts in on the homework circus or whatever else needs to take him away again. I think just that can make it all bearable.

Chadwick, good job for seeking help/advice. Here are some thoughts:

I was going to say the exact thing AllSmiles did about this comment:
"This takes up a lot of time but we manage to make it work and fit in the homework, dinner and so on. My wife’s big problem is that I give so much to the kids and not enough to her."

Often, in situations where there's a stepmom who has the kids at her house a lot of the time, there's an issue with just who the "we" is. In the sentence above, you say "we" manage to make it work, and you obviously mean you and the kids, because your wife has stated that it isn't working for her.

When you marry a person with kids, there is no honeymoon period of just the two of you to solidify your marriage through lots of couple time and learning about each other, growing your intimacy with few distractions.

Your wife is very likely feeling the absence of this. Some might cynically say "she knew what she was getting into," but the reality is that until you are actually in a situation like this, it's not very easy to know how it will feel.

Your wife needs a few things. She needs to feel like your primary relationship. A first wife would have a long period of feeling like the "one and only" before kids come along. In fact, for pretty much any marriage to work well, the spouses have to feel like their bond is the anchor. The married couple is the center of the family. The knot. If it isn't solid, the home will unravel. It isn't healthy for you to focus on the kids to the detriment of your couple.

How do you change this?
- By giving her time alone with you (babysitters, babysitters, babysitters). Carve out time every week to do a date. Carve out time every evening to spend just with her (even if it's only sitting down for 10 minutes to sip a drink together and snuggle on the couch or somewhere where the kids are not climbing all over you). Do not push all the household "chores" to the weekends when you don't have the kids. Rather, do the chores of regular family life while the kids are with you. Keep your alone weekends "sacred" and reserve them for spending time alone with your wife. Remember, that's the only time she gets you all to herself. Also remember that one of the main reasons for divorce in ANY marriage is the spouses growing apart. Spouses don't grow apart if they don't forget to make their relationship a priority.
- By giving her the space and the open ear for her to really tell you how she's feeling, and by not getting defensive when she tells you. By listening actively, and asking her for clarification, and to help you think of ideas to make things better. In these discussions, make it clear to her that you want to work TOGETHER to find solutions. Value her ideas and opinions as much as you do your own. Remember, she is half of your couple. In other words, there IS no couple without her.
- By consulting her on how the housework is divvied up, and asking her what, if any modifications she thinks should be made. Your kids are old enough to do chores. They should be taking on a share of the responsibilities. They can do a lot of the cleaning, and even their own laundry. Consult with her on this, and give her equal say in how the chores are shared out among the kids. Remember: even though they're your kids, it is her house just as much as it is yours. You can and should make some parent decisions on your own or with the kids' biomom (medical treatments, school stuff, etc.) but anything that involves her household directly, she should have EQUAL say over what the kids do. For example, do you argue about how often the kids should clean their room? Well, it's her house, too: you don't get to "win" that argument because they're your kids. You have only 50% of the say, not 51% or more. Does she not like that the kids get to yell in the house, etc? Again, she gets 50% of the say on this. Anything less than half of the say in your house, and she will just feel like a boarder or a maid.

A gray area: the kids' sports and extracurricular involvement. As the parent, it's your decision what they're in. And it's great that you coach them. BUT: it sounds like you spend an awful lot of time doing it. Consider that if your wife doesn't feel like you spend enough time with her, she's going to see the coaching time as time you CHOOSE not to spend with her. Perhaps you could cut down your coaching -- after all, she is your wife. If you coach two teams, can you cut down to just one, and spend the remaining time with her?

A good way to think of it is this: imagine that you had met your current wife earlier in life, and she was the one you married first. Imagine that you got married, and then after a few years you had kids together. Think of how differently you would react to that woman's requests to spend more time with her. Would a first wife have to fight so hard to have decision making power in her own house? Would that woman have to fight for time alone with her husband? Would the way schedules were arranged in that house happen in such a way that that woman would feel like she was in competition for attention with the children? Would she end up feeling that there was no time for her?

Second wives do deserve more than having to feel like their needs come after everyone else's wants. Sure, you want to coach your kids. But you also wanted to get married: you have a responsibility to that marriage -- your wife has needs. Your marriage has needs. And if you don't respond to them, you might find that one day, you won't have a marriage to worry about anymore.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

One more thing. I just read this:

"The weekend the ex has them usually only consist of Sat night – Sun late afternoon. The kids have games on the weekend and the ex comes and takes them after the games."

24 hours every other week? That is NOT enough alone time. I think you need to seriously consider making this a full weekend. The ex can come on Friday afternoon/evening, can't she? She could take the kids to the games -- it would be good, then she could see the games. Yes, I know you coach, but if you are coaching the games on the weekends when the kids are supposed to be with their mom, then WOW, of COURSE your wife feels like she gets no time with you. You don't even have every other weekend together! Seriously, this coaching thing needs to be re-thought.

"I may rush her off the phone because something is happening with the kids game/practice or whatever… Or I might ignore her when we get home from the game so I can rewind the video and make everyone a copy.. Or when I expect her to watch other sporting events (NFL, MLB, etc) because they are "big games". Just a few things and I understand that this is not right of me… I don’t do these things to hurt her or make her feel unappreciated in any way… But it does…"

D*** right it does! She is getting the message that nothing she does or wants is nearly as important as making a copy of a video. That her time is not as valuable as a 7 year-old's. Wow. No, you "don't do these things to hurt her" -- but you know what? The fact that you don't really even stop to think of how she would feel is almost worse than if you were doing it on purpose. No offense, but it makes me wonder why you are even married if you didn't want to make the commitment to another human being of being a spouse. It's kind of like getting a dog and wondering why it isn't happy sitting in its kennel all day. Why did you get a dog if you don't want to make the time to have a dog?

Sorry, I know that sounds harsh. But really, think about it. You are expecting your wife to put up with an awful lot, for almost no time alone. I really hope you will rethink this, reread the suggestions, and start changing things TODAY.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Chadwick, was your new wife aware of the extent of your involvement with your children's lives BEFORE she married you?

If so, it's her problem. Why would she think things would change once you said, "I DO" to her? You've devoted your time to your children, and should continue that with them. Suggest she get involved as well...it'll give her a chance to learn more about them.

You and your sons are a package, and when she married you, the children came along in that package. Don't feel guilty because she's not getting attention she desires.

~*~Cheer up! It could be worse.
I cheered up, & it got worse!~*~

Chadwick, I have to give you credit, you came here, so you want this to work and you are worried, so you're thinking about her feelings... wish my husband was a little bit like that.
I'm kind in your wife's shoes, no kids, husband has 2, he's really involved, eventhough he just have them every other weekend and half summer. Here the thoughts from a crying heart:

If we have to understand that you have kids, and understand what comes with it, it works both ways, you also have to be aware that we are not moms, and will not be able at some times to see through your glasses. I'm really happy that he has so much love for those kids, that I cannot wait to have my own and share that with him. But no matter how hard I try and how much I love him, we have to accept, I cannot see things through parenthood eyes. I'm sure your wife loves you, I do love my husband, but right now, it is to be noticed, we are just wifes trying to help our our husbands, we cannot remove the feelings and the needs for all that a wife is supposed to experience and feel. My husband was really annoying saying over and over that I had to understand that he had kids, and they were the most important thing, that I will never be above them... then I started rejecting them... and guess what... I was not asking to be above or before them, I was just asking to be loved as a wife. I think there are not hierarchies in love, just different grounds. I just wanted to feel I was important to him. You both said I do knowing the differences, one has kids, the other doesn't. Each of you need to live with the other's reality. Yes, I know I cannot have everything as a normal newly wed without kids, but... I'M I supposed to shut down my feelings and hope? Are we bad persons because we want to fell once in a while the real presence of our husbands, and at least for a moment, be a couple enjoying that moment? i don't think so. Yes we knew how it was, you can never anticipate everything. I was preparing myself, but facts were just beyond. I'm a fighter, so I'm not giving up and I keep fighting for my rights while helping him as I'm supposed to do.

Please, look in your heart, and try to figure not having kids for a second... just think in your marriage...what would you do with and for your wife in that context?... sure, then reality hits, but my point is, try ocassionaly to make her feel a keystone in your life. As belleboudeuse mentioned, try some babysitters, find once in a while a moment and space just for the two of us. Maybe once in a while (not always of course), you can make some arragements and surprise her when she thinks you will never take the moment for her because yes, she knows that's your kids schedule demanding... It is not that we want to be the center of the universe, we just enjoy at least a minute feeling like if we are.

To give you and example, we had several long weekends (holidays) and all of them happened to coincide with the kids visit. I was really sad, because you know, yes we see each other every day, but sometimes it is important some space out of everything just the couple, enjoying. Our routine is quite tired, cause at the time we get home, he only wants to rest, and I need to clean, cook, prepare for next day... so, I really creave a weekend out, because when we stay, there is something that we have to do, or someone needing something. I had two years, without being able to do this, and I love romantic escapes... one day (the only right step he gave in a ong long time), was to tell me that if I wanted to do something, he will switch the weekend with his ex wife. I was so happy that I didn't care if I I had to have them 3 continuous weekends... for a while I forgot all my sadness. Just because we are under the same roof and see each other every day... you know, quality time of just the two is key.

To continue my examples, I admire his love for his kids, but I cannot connect with that and fully embrace it, why? simple, I don't have kids, they are not mine, and a bond and love, is something that takes time, not a default issue just because they are your partner's kids. So I imagined how great it would be to have a kid, feel that with him... share that "parent's love". But he refused to talk about that, giving me the message that his kids were enough for him, not even one more, so kicking me out of the joy of parenthood. In fact, when I took stand just mentioning it (for the future of course), he always said that he could not think on that at that time, because he already had his... "we'll see... maybe later". I cried for weeks, because I said I do, embracing all what was coming with him, and he just couldn't accept what came with me. And guess what, I feel I had to wait for the love left after all the distribution among his number ones, I felt like in line, waiting for the ticket to get a minute of love. 4 years have passed. Two months ago, suddenly he started saying how would be a kid of ours... and believe me, I was the happiest woman.

Bottom line, my message is... you can be a good person, and love your wife, and think that you are doing all good. But it is hard, sometimes without intent, by seeing only through the glasses of a father, you forgot to be a husband, and without noticing it, you put us like... in line... waiting to get what is left. If the husband-wife relation usually is at risk when kids come... can you imagine how sensitive it is when we can't even share that with our husbands? It is not the same, we can develop love for our ss's, but we also have the right to... have a husband when we need it, and then learn by ourselves, in our own flesh, the greatness of the parenthood experience, because how you see this now, is because you are a dad, that is not a instructed mode, subject to acceptance, you got there throughout a process.... don't forget that in that sense, you are at the other side of the river.

If she was a mom too, maybe the issue will not be the one you expose, not saying that will be easier, but definitevely different.

Now, if you have already done all what you have been advised here and more, and you are convinced that there is nothing more to do, and she's still not comfortable, then yes, I'll agree with Stepmom2Ched, it's her problem, because she took a package. Now, don't forget you had to take her as a package too, in her case, she's not a mom.

I'll take BB's phrase: - You are not second best, you are not second class. Sometimes I feel second class, and guess what, I'm capable to understand that this is not subject to classification. You have your kids at one hand, your wife at the other, you cannot left behind one or the other. We do not expect to be the sun,just to feel enlighted by the joy of seeing our husbands take the time to stop and be for a moment, just our husbands.
I know my husband does not want to hurt me... still I cannot change what I feel. And since you have full custody, this is a 24/7 issue, so, it is her duty to understand you 24/7, it is yours to realize that she needs a husband, and she needs to wait to have it... fair? I'm sure you don't make her feel bad on purpose... balance... is really a challenge. I know my husband loves me, yet, I feel all by myself most of the time, and without noticing it, he's building a wall between his kids and me.

Best wishes,

What kind of quality time did you give your wife when you were dating? Were you coaching as much then? I don't have stepchildren that live at home but can relate to the other wives who say they need more quality time with their spouses. My husband and I recently went on a date for my birthday. We hadn't had a date night just the two of us in over 6 months. My husband's work schedule prevents him from being home during the hours my son and I are awake for the most part. During the week if I want quality time with him, I sacrifice sleep as he works 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. and has an hour long commute both ways to his job. If there's one thing I desperately need after being pretty much a single mom all week, it's adult conversation and attention from my husband. I don't consider him watching the Speed Channel while I'm in the same room as quality time anymore than he'd think watching a chick flick with me would bring us closer. The things I miss we had while dating that have changed with his work schedule are eating breakfast at IHOP while my son's at school, nature walks at the park, hiking, more sex as we had both had enough rest, etc. I do kind things for my husband all the time and he gets frustrated because he isn't used to being thoughtful but he's learning. Every now and then I get chocolates, a romantic card, calls from work that he loves me and the like. All this helps when he is visiting his children without me or needs his own personal space at times on the weekend which takes away from family time. I realize it's important for men to wind down after work and on weekends but parenting is a full time job just like marriage. If you don't work at it, eventually you get in a bad place and ask yourself why you got married to begin with if your spouse is acting more like a single person.

Me (41). DH (53). Married since May 2007. DS (9) from my 1st marriage where that husband is deceased. I have 6 grown stepchildren who do not live with us: SD (32), SS (29), SS (29), SD (26), SD (22) and SS (18). DH has been married twice before me.