Can anyone give me some advice
Hi, I'm new to this and not sure of the abbreviations so please excuse me for that.
I have been a stepmum to three boys aged nearly 9 and twins of nearly 6. The first weekend we had them there were no problems but strangely enough their mother knew nothing about me being there. Since she found out we have had nothing but problems. She refused to let my husband have the kids so it has all been dragged through court. There have been court orders that she has broken. She claims the kids don't want to come as they don't like me. On the few occasions we have had them they point blank refuse to speak to me. If I speak to them they just look at me as if I were from another planet. It is so frustrating. I have done nothing wrong to them. My husband says it's the mother who has made them do this but I think the older one should have a mind of his own. It does cause rows between my husband and I. His idea is if I keep making an effort with them they will come round. It's very hard to make an effort with 3 kids you get nothing back from.
We are supposed to be having them overnight this Saturday and to be honest I just dread it. I feel that I shouldn't be here and feel very uncofortable in my own home.
I'm sure there are many of you have been in a similar situation so any advice would be really grateful.
Thanks
My best advice would be to
My best advice would be to go on as if they were not there. Try to have fun and laugh and let them see you doing interesting things. Even if you don't like it, joke around with you husband and let them see and hear you laughing. Once they understand that your not the devil their mother made you out to be and that you could actually be fun to hang with, I think they will come around. The nine year old boy is probably into video games. Maybe you could pick one up and practice this week so that when gets there you can actually play. Are the 6 year olds boys or girls? Both sexes are pretty into webkinz at that age and I know my daughter is crazy for Hannah Montanna. Maybe get a cd and play it around her. I know it seems like alot of work but you can't force them to like you but you can be interesting and fun and they will get it. Good luck and don't let that biotch win. BTW the biotch I am talking about is the BM. Birth Mom.
I think....
I think you should go to the party - don't let her get to you. Show her that you have just as much right to be there as she does. Don't let her get to you!!!!!!
As for her NOT wanting to have anything to do with you. You should feel happy that she feels that way just to avoid the ex-wife drama that most of us have to deal with. Chances are after you guys have been together for a long while she will start to change her toon.
It will come to a point to where she will want to go somewhere or do something bad enough - she will resort to contact with you because she does not want to ruin her plans.
Don't worry she will come around!!!! I just hope it's NOT too late when she does (you begin to resent her for it).
Update
No idea how the above comment is relevant.
Ok it's the day before the skids come for the weekend and I am already stressed out before they even get here. Tried to talk to DH about it this morning but didn't get much response. The eldest SS who is nearly 9 is the one who always tells his mother that he doesn't like me so depending on how he is tomorrow I want to sit him down and try find out exactly what it is or why he doesn't like me. Don't think DH is very keen on this idea and sticks up for the skid saying he doesn't know if he really said that and it's probably the BM making it up. I would rather try find out.
Anyone any suggestions on this?
I would strongly suggest you
I would strongly suggest you go about yoru business and be yourself and be happy. The kids are being manipulated and in time they will know who is the good person and who's not. They will never love you like they love their parents but that is ok.
Dont dread, i've been there. My two skids were an emotional wreck for ever visit because mom would poison them. Of course the kdis will beleive her...who else ..its their mom..they have no reason to doubt her.
Well after many years of this. my skids realize who and what is going on...and they do like me. I pulled away, i kept my distance and would let them come to me. i wouldnt go to them , i wouldnt go out of my way at all to please them.
i felt awful when sd would say ' i wish angel was my mom...etc..etc.. and i would tell her, you hae one mother...i know she is angry and says awful things but people always say bad things when they are angry. Its not yoru fault...its something your mommy has to deal with and get over.'
Number one rule : never talk bad about mom in front of kids, even if you definitely know she is a loser...its bad enough she is and its bad enough the kids suffer because of it.
Number 2 - keep goign on with your life adn be happy. If someone is miserable, even the kids, its their problem. CHIN UP! life is too short to be dragged down by any situation.
Number 3 - do activities, evne if they say no, go on with it, its their loss
They will come around. It may take years, have patience, dont focus onthe mom thing...it will make you bitter. You cannot control what bm does or how your skids feel. Control yourself and if they still dotn want to be part of your life after many years, its their loss! Enjoy life! dotn let anyone stop you from that!