Let me lay this out for you:

Wife---been with for 17 years, have 2 children together (5 that you've raised together). She (and the 5 children) have been there for almost 2 DECADES in your life, through everything, the good times and bad, that IS your FAMILY.

Estranged daughter---an unfortunate decision to sever yourself out of her life. I can fully understand your regret. HOWEVER, she has not been a part of your life/family. It takes more than blood to make someone a member of your family, and she is NOT. I'm not saying she's not important and that you shouldn't want a relationship; my point is PRIORITIES.

Listen, everything I said above comes down to this: your wife is your WIFE, your equal, your partner, your supporter. The children you have with her are your family, your dependents, your children AS WELL. THEY are your priority.

It seems to me that your estranged daughter is trying to make things all her way and being manipulative and thanks to your guilt, you are allowing it. That is wrong. Period. Whether you raised her every day of your life or haven't seen her in years, a child should never be allowed to manipulate the parent over anything. You need to tell her this:

That you miss her very much and would love more than anything to have a relationship with her. BUT she needs to understand that you have a wife and a family and they, by logic and necessity, are your priority. If she wants a relationship with you, she needs to understand that there are other people involved that also need to be included/kept happy. If I do the math correctly, she is almost an adult and should be able to understand all of this. If she cannot and she throws a tantrum over it/stops talking to you, then it is for the better to just keep your ties cut from her. If you try to placate her, you will lose your wife and your family. Which is more important to you? Its not a happy place to be in and I don't envy you at all, but life is full of tough decisions.

needs to be a little more understanding---YOU GAVE UP YOUR DAUGHTER FOR HER AND HER KIDS! I think texting for awhile might be a good idea, TELL YOUR WIFE that that is how you are going to deal with her for awhile and that she is welcome to read them if she like----but just because you are texting the kid doesn't mean that you are not being a good husband. Compassion is the word here.
Don't let your wife brow beat you---NOR your daughter. Your X has just as much to blame as you for having unprotected sex with a "lady you were dating" & not a commited relationship. It produces unwanted children that suffer because of it.

You are reacting purely out of guilt. Explain what happened to your daughter.

Some things can't be fixed only endured.
Hang in there. We have all made mistakes.

You've been married all that time and this is coming up now? Your wife is your partner and you have an obligation to her and your children with her, period. Your ex is obviously a jealous, crazy person if she made you give up your rights all those years ago to your 17 year old daughter. Does your daughter know what a monster her mother is? Maybe you need to sit down with her and fully explain the situation.

You also need to let your daughter know that she is not the one calling the shots. She is a child and you are the adult. I understand you want to try to have a relationship with her, but if all she is doing is manipulating you into going back to her mom, what kind of relationship is that anyway? I say cut it off. You didn't raise her, she has probably been brainwashed by her crazy mother all these years anyway. You will have to do damage control for years to fix that.

Maybe you just feel guilty, but let me tell you YOU SHOULDN'T. And don't let that guilt make you kiss that kid's ass. Teenagers are very sneaky, manipulative and they think they are entitled to everything you have and everything you are and if you don't give it to them, they throw a fit. If you ask me, I would write her off until she can act like a adult, accept your FAMILY and treat you and them with RESPECT. She will respect you more if you put your foot down and let her know that you will not tolerate her behavior.

Sounds like your ex and her daughter are a lot alike...JEALOUS! And they will obviously do everything in their power to get what they want.

As for your wife and family with her...don't screw it up. You will regret it.

Love

"And love you are right, on my sons grave it read his full name well ex went and cemented a bunny over my last name.....thats what kind of woman we are dealing with here"

What a hateful and unnecessary thing to do. This sickens me. Bless your heart.

I read the advice from others above and I thought it was all really great, so I have nothing to add. I am so sorry you are going through this.

She may be playing games with you. I would say be sure to meet in a public place like a restaurant or something and bring your wife with you!!! In order to stand your ground with this child (because obviously she is VERY manipulative and a little off, you and your wife need to be a team in exploring this situation with your BD17. Also, I'm not really sure that this will work with your daughter. I believe the only reason she is contacting you is because she wants to break up your family and for you to get back with her mom.

Just my opinion...be careful, she may have something up her sleeve. If she doesn't show up again, don't contact her. If she calls you, let her know that you REFUSE to play ANY games with her. I would be really cautious of her and her crazy mom. Like mother, like daughter...CRAZY runs in the family, trust me!

Good luck!

Love

I think we need to view this outside of the box. Let's take off our stepparent hat and think about this like just a compassionate friend. Here is a girl whose father gave her up when she was a year old. She has no memory of him. She reached out when she came of age to reconnect with her father. As far as we know, maybe the BM has played a number on this girl. Maybe the BM has raised this child to believe that it is the SM's fault that her father left them. Who knows, right? All we do know is that this child has grown up without a father figure. (Unless BM has been dating, who knows again).

This child is reaching out to her father. She wants to get to know her father. She made an adult choice to stand back from her SM for now, who she probably did not even know existed. Why does she HAVE to get to know her SM? Why does SM HAVE to be there for her meeting? Maybe the child wants to reunite with her father and share this personal moment between them by themselves, without a STRANGER there watching. Because let's face it, SM is a stranger to her. She is already putting up with a lot finally meeting her father for the first time in 16 years.

I think it is really selfish of the SM in this case to try to dictate things. Father and daughter need time to reconnect, and to get to know each other without her interference. They have 16+ years to catch up on, likes and dislikes to share, just life in general.

I think they should have this time to to get to know each other again before other parties are introduced. I'm sure it is overwhelming for the daughter.

Plus, it's pretty shitty that your wife will leave you after 17 years b/c you are texting your daughter that you walked away from 16 years ago. I read your wifes blog and thought it seemed strange then as well. When it comes to your daughter, you do have a lot to atone for. Give it a try. If it does end up blowing up in your face, at least you know you tried. What will you do if your first born has a baby? Are you going to miss out on your grandchilds life as well, just to appease your wife? It's not a double life, it's YOUR life. You made this child, you brought her in to this world.

I'm thinking I'm coming across as bitchy, but can't help it at this point.

It must be hard on your daughter to know that he father was around the whole time, but he never made an attempt to get to know her. You have to think of this from HER point of view. You have probably read a lot on here about PAS. I am sure she suffers from it, or has been brainwashed in to thinking that you walked away and never looked back. Your daughter reached out to you when she came of age to make the decision for herself. Give her credit for that. You and her have a lot of catching up to do. Your daughter decided that texting is what she is comfortable with. I prefer texting and emails with people that I am not familiar with as well, or with friends that I have lost contact with. It cuts down on the awkward silences.

It's only been a couple of weeks for you two, OF COURSE there will be a lot of communication!! Think of it like this: when you were dating, and you met someone new, you used to spend hours and hours on the phone, right? Well, this is a new relationship as well, without the romantic undertones. After a while, when you are comfortable and know that person, communication tapers off, but the familiarity is still there. This should not be considered a "text relationship", this is you reconnecting with your daughter. If the texting gets to be too much with the back and forth...waiting for replies..etc, start emailing. Don't stop communication.

I'm not saying abandon your wife or current family to pursue a relationship with your daughter. I am saying to not abandon your daughter again after she reached out to you. Give it a chance. Your wife does need to be more understanding of your need to communicate with your daughter in whatever form she, your SD, feels comfortable with. Again, I do not know her motives, but will not play the spoiled/immature/controlling SD card. No one knows what is going thru her head right now. To threaten all or nothing is very inconsiderate on your wifes part, especially at this stage when everything between you and your daughter is so fragile. If she does have an ulterior motive to all this, you will eventually find out. Until then, just try to be the best father you can be to her.

Sounds like a positive situation all around! I'm sure there will be peaks and valley's, as with all step-relationships and new relationships with kids, but it sounds like you are on the right track! See, step-mom's aren't bad people, we just want to be accepted and we are willing to be there as long as the kids are open to getting to know us. Bashing the new wife/step-mom and not accepting her or allowing her into the situation is just a recipe for war!

Congrats!

Love