Three "adult?" step-daughters
I can SO identify with many of you! I too, WOULD LIKE SOME ADVICE OR COMMENTS on how to deal with the "supposed" ADULT stepdaughters. I have three of them, ages 30, 24, and 21. My DH also has two adult sons, ages 41 and 39 from his first marriage. They are 180 degrees different from their half-sisters, and they and their wives and children have welcomed me into the family and treat me just fine. The boys have always said that if their dad is happy, that's what counts. The girls (the two older ones) on the other hand, treat me as though I don't exist.
I will be honest and tell you that their father was unhappy with their mother long BEFORE I came into the picture, and ultimately, he did leave her for me. I suppose that is why they won't give me the time of day, despite the fact that their father and I have been together for nine years, married for the last five. Their mother has NOT moved on with her life since their divorce, so I am the target for ALL of their unhappiness, including their mother's. Even though I try to understand their feelings, it does bother me sometimes that they are so rude and disrespectful. The oldest SD (almost 31) has three children out of wedlock, but is being married next month. She had gastric bypass surgery four years ago because she was too lazy to diet or exercise, and then proceeded to get pregnant twice even though her doctor told her NOT to because it would jeopardize her health. Of course, she is now plagued by various health problems and is overwhelmed by the three kids. The middle SD (age 24) has been married for three years with no kids, and the youngest SD(age 21) had a baby out of wedlock last year and lives with her mother. On the rare occasion they do come over when I'm not working, it's like I'm invisible. They call their dad and ask him "Is SHE going to be there?" I can sometimes overhear their conversations because two of them speak very loudly. When they come into our home, they don't even respond when I say hello to them. They just pretend they don't hear me. Somehow they manage to have conversations with the others who are present, and ALWAYS greet and say good-bye to them, but the two older SD's and their SO's NEVER speak to me. God forbid I ask them a question, it's always a one-word answer and they will not make eye contact with me. The youngest one does talk to me, and doesn't seem to bear any hard feelings, as she was 12 when her dad and I met. Whenever either of the two older ones happens to call our house and I answer the phone, it's ALWAYS the same: "Is my dad there?". It's never, "Hi (my name), this is (SD's name), is my dad there?" Considering that they both have (or had) jobs that require them to speak with the public on the phone, you'd at least think that they'd have some phone manners, wouldn't you???!!! Even though I can see by the caller ID who it is, I now ask "Who is this?" The middle SD told her dad that I was rude to her by asking that question..... WHAT'S A PERSON TO DO?? ANY SUGGESTIONS???
The oldest SD with the three out-of-wedlock children sent out her wedding invitations (big wedding, white gown) four weeks ago, but as I expected, it was addressed to her father ONLY. My husband informed me that even though it was addressed to him only, I would be expected to go with him. Frankly, I do not wish to go, and told him that if SD didn't have the common sense and manners to include me on the invitation (even when I am her father's wife), I would not be attending. DH later told her what my feelings are concerning this matter, and she wouldn't even give him a reply. Daddy of course is expected to help pay for the wedding expenses! Needless to say, I will not be going to her wedding and I don't really care to go when they treat me the way they do. I will be out doing something fun instead! I am trying to "let it go", after years of wanting to be accepted by them. Reading these posts has been such a relief! I will direct my love and efforts towards those who appreciate it. It's too time consuming and detrimental to my health to waste my efforts on these girls. I realize that THEY are the ones with the problem, not me. They are SO missing out. I could go on and on about their antics...
Early on in our relationship, DH and I took the youngest, (who was probably 13 at the time) bowling. We had a nice time until we took her back to her mother's house. As DH took her into the house, the oldest girl (age 22 at that time) stood in the living room window and proceeded to "give me the middle finger" as I sat in the car. When her father came out, I told him what she had done. He actually laughed and said "Kids! You never know what they're going to do". I was appalled. I can tell you that if that had been MY child doing that to someone, I would have marched that child out to the offended person and made him or her apologize RIGHT NOW!!
Needless to say, I should have known THEN that DH would be forever defending their actions. I should have had enough sense to have gotten out of the relationship right then and there. His "princesses" can do no wrong! I have three adult children (2 sons and 1 daughter) who always treat my DH with respect and always engage in conversations with him when they call our home or come over (not very often as two of them live out-of-state). DH has told me that his daughters will always come first. The ONLY times they call him are when they need MONEY or their CARS FIXED. They always try to make him feel guilty by telling him that he has nice vehicles and a nice home. What he fails to tell THEM is the reason WHY he has those nice things. Even though we were married when we bought our home, the title and mortgage are in my name only, as he and his previous wife were in debt up to their eyeballs (even filed for bankruptcy)due to their poor money management and his heavy gambling. My salary pays the mortgage, property taxes, utilities, insurance, groceries, etc. I also paid the down-payment of $150,000. for our home, as he was BROKE. Frankly, DH cannot afford anything because he is still trying to bail himself out of his previous debts. Unbeknownst to me at the time, he was refinancing all of his loans over and over, early in our marriage, and funneling money to the SD's and gambling with the rest. I honestly believe that his daughters think that dear old dad is made out of money! After he finished paying child support, he replaced those payments by going out and buying himself a new truck, motorcycle, and snowmobile. I was WAY too trusting.... And by the way. he makes more money than I do, too!
I am so tired of hearing him telling me to "be the bigger person", I could just throw up! I have suggested that the five of us (me, him and the 3 SD's) get together and talk this out, but he refuses to suggest it to them. He just keeps telling me over and over that "someday they'll come around"..... Well I'm not holding my breath. I don't believe that day will ever come. I did tell him that the two older SD's are no longer welcome in our home when they continue to disrespect me. He continues to condone their behavior. I also told him that if they ever come over to our home and they treat me this way again, I will tell them to their faces that they are not welcome here when they come into my home and disrespect me, and they can get back in their vehicles and leave! I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THEIR CHILDISH BEHAVIOR ANY LONGER!!!
ANY and ALL suggestions and comments on how to handle this situation are welcome. Should I continue to "try", or just ignore them? What should I say to them when they call and ask "Is my dad there?" For God's sake.... it could be ANYONE's dad!
Thank you for listening to me rant, and I'm looking forward to your suggestions/comments.
adult Skds
There are a few of us on the forum that have adult sdks but most people here have little ones. Those of us that live in the adult skd world know how messed up it is. I am surprised that you are still married to the guy because of what he has done and the skds are the icing on the cake.
Wicked's Adult Skids.....
Do NOT allow them to disrespect you. MUCH less in your own home! When they call and pretend that you don't exist just TELL them! "Good Morning so and so, if you'd like to speak to your dad I suggest you acknowledge me or else please refrain from calling my home!"
You should NOT tolerate being disrespected. How would your DH like it if your ADULT sons came over and completely disregarded him? He would be insulted and would EXPECT you to check your kids into shape. He should do the same. DEMAND respect or else it will NOT be given to you!
Your DH should NOT even attend a wedding that HIS wife is not welcomed at! That is giving his daughters PERMISSION to treat you in that manner! What he should have said when he received that invite is "I will not allow you to disrespect my wife in that manner, if she is not welcome at your wedding than I am sorry but I will not be attending either."
Kids, like men will do what they are ALLOWED to do. Our BM told my DH that he could come to SD's first communion but that I was not allowed to come. So what do you think happened? HE DIDN'T GO because he knew that if he did go without me? I would have packed all his shit and made him GTF OUT!
When that little witch stuck her middle finger up at you how dare he let her get away with that?!?!?
Sounds to me like you're the reason this man is living a good life therefore at any given moment you can pull the rug out from under him. Maybe he and his nasty ass daughters need to be reminded of that. An INDEPENDENT woman does not have ANY NEED WHATSOEVER to put up with such BS!!
The SD's upcoming wedding
Thanks for your reply~ I like your suggestion about them calling here when I answer the phone - I may just have to try that!
As far as the wedding goes, after I had told him I wouldn't be attending (since I had not been included on the invite), He said: "Well what do you want ME to do, stay home and not even go to my own daughter's wedding?" I then told him I didn't expect him to miss it, but he'd have to go by himself. He's still mad at me, and the wedding is coming up in three weeks. I'm holding strong to my promise - I WILL NOT ATTEND no matter how much crap he gives me about it. I'm just tired of arguing about all of this Bullsh*%. Yes, I am an independent woman who still (in spite of everything) loves these childish SD's father. He does have some good qualities too, and we do have a pretty stable marriage, after I gave him the ultimatum last winter about his gambling. I told him that if I EVER find out that he's gambling again, that's IT! I'm done, and WILL divorce him this time.
Wickedsm2004
Weddling Blues
I'm dreading the day that SD gets engaged. She'll want extravagent and my DH will want simple. I doubt that I will be invited however she'll probably do what your SD did and leave my name off the invite. Maybe it'll be DH and guest! I don't care and I don't care to go and I pity her poor BF. DH says that she has changed but I don't see it. I too am so sick and tired of the same old argument and with my DH - it's just never enough! If we have SD over for dinner, he'll want her to come watch a movie with us, go on vacation with us, I should take her under my wing, extend my friendship and support. Blah, blah blah. If he would've listened to me early on and enforced house rules, been consistent in discipline, provided her with tutoring and counseling - things would be much different. I too have a stable and happy marriage except when it comes to SD but that can be a huge problem. I just try to focus on the good and limit my exposure and interaction with the bad.
Glynne
Your DH has to go
This is the type of thing where the Dad is the Dad. No matter what, he must attend his daughter's wedding.
Is it right what she did to you? Of course not. I hope for your sake that some day she comes to appreciate that, but in the meantime you will have done the right thing and will have nothing with which to reproach yourself later.
I don't know what I would do in your position. (I can't imagine my SKs even contemplating doing something so rude and cruel!) I think I too might refuse to go, rather than cause a scene. I don't know.
House Rules
Okay - I'ma a broken record. Wicked, I have 1 SD and I cannot imagine having to put up with 3. Here's some suggestions that worked for me: Use the caller ID - I don't answer the phone when SD calls one less aggravation and possible confrontation, SD must leave her emotional baggage at our front door, I don't want her drama and she must acknowledge my presence. SD is not allowed to come over unless her father is present - no 1 on 1 time with me. SD must call before she comes over - no surprise visits. When DH asked me to be more open with SD I explained to him that in order to do that he must promise me his support when SD blames me (which I know she will) for making her feel uncomfortable or whatver her newest complaint about me is. My SD just moved in with her BF so I'm sure that I have a wedding in my future. I blogged about in this in my "Bridezilla" blog. I completely "get" where you are at and offer you my friendship and support. Be sure to take care of yourself and your needs. Glynne
Good for you!!
These SDs must get together and come up with excuses not to like us SMs. My SD, too, says that I make her feel "umcomfortable". I just can't figure it out. What the he!! did I ever do to make her uncomfortable??? I think it's a tactic for her to get your husband alone to visit with her, whether that means that you leave the house when she arrives or your DH visits her elsewhere. It's all just manipulation.
As for DH receiving a wedding invite for his daughter's wedding without YOUR name on it too, he needs to set her straight. He is enabling her behavior and allowing her do disrespect you. Set it straight ONCE AND FOR ALL. He shouldn't attend until/unless he receives a proper invite with both his name and your name on the invitation - not his name "and guest".
Why are you letting it worry you?
Your worth is not dependent on these kids. They're going to stay loyal to Mom no matter what so quit concerning yourself with them.
I have a step that acts the same way but she came to it later in life - after I helped her through college - go figure.
But once I saw she found some flaw in me that she wasn't going to let go of I let go of her. I'm polite but that's it. If she visits I stick around to hear the latest and ask a few polite questions. Sooner or later (depending on my receiption that could be one minute) I come here to give you guys advise.
Why spend time and energy on someone that doesn't like you?
*********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
Orange
I'm glad that your situation worked out for you and your skid. However, it seems that 95% of the skid issues are with SDs. It's got to be some kind of teen/twenty-something hormonal thing. But why should/would any SM/SF have to put up with the years of constant disrespect and meddling that comes from these SDs. When we have to deal with it on an almost daily basis, it gets to be too much to handle and interferes in the DH/SM relationship and leaves the SDs thinking that they can manipulate us. And if there are kids from the new marriage, it affects them too. And that's just not right. Yes, we can just ignore the issues and HOPE that they go away, but too often they don't and the bad feelings just fester until inevitably there is a blow up. In my opinion, it's better to deal with the issues head-on and let these skids know that we're not going to allow ourselves to be treated that way and DEMAND RESPECT.
Orange what about the BM
It's easy for me to let go. It's my DH that wants more more more. What does your wife or partner say about you letting go. Is that okay?
Glynne
Skip the wedding
Whoop di do, after the wedding she is going to have to become a wife, or get divorced!
I would gladly skip any fake happy family drama, than be a party to it, especially if you are not invited. I would be FURIOUS at DH for PAYING for this farce - that is not a requirement or law that he do so! if you are not included.
Although I already know, I would refuse to be in the same room as our psychopath BM, the IMO untreated bipolar drunk! Sd will have to have 2 ceremonies or receptions if she wants anything from our side of the family.
p.s. re. phone calls, I too would never answer if their name is on caller id. Once when I did pick up thinking it must be important, SD did the same, is my dad there and I forced her to make chit chat with me! LOL
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Age cannot wither her, nor custom stale
Her infinite variety.
William Shakespeare, "Antony and Cleopatra", Act 2 scene 2UPDATE on wedding invite!
OMG!!! I just about fell over when I went to the mailbox today!!!
Another invitation to SD's wedding has arrived, addressed to Mr. AND Mrs. The first one came in the mail over a month ago. It looks like a child's scribble (purposely, I'm sure...) but I know it must have been her because she always spells our city wrong. Whenever she mails pictures of her kids, they're addressed to DH ONLY. I feel sorry for her kids.
Now the BIG question....SHOULD I GO?? I really don't want to, but I welcome your opinions.
Wickedsm2004
I vote yes
Be there for your DH, take the high road (and that does not mean taking crap from SD or BM).show them what real class is. You'll earn major points from DH and it's a few hours out of your life.
Glynne
Yes
Yes, you should go. I suffered through 3 of those and paid for them too. Just go and act like everything is wonderful at least it will make your H happy.
I posted before your update ...
YES, you should go! Have a wine beforehand, though, and consider this a victory, albeit a small one. Best of luck!
YES GO!!!
Yes go to the wedding!! Look ABSOLUTELY STUNNING and smile and make small talk with everyone. Be helpful to the bride if she needs it and if she acts like an ass SHE'LL be the one to look stupid in front of everyone. Represent your husband as only a glamorous, classy lady can. Enjoy yourself! Hell your husband is paying for it you might as well!
Best of luck!!!
The never ending "roller coaster" ride...
Wow, I can relate to much of what you've written....I honestly don't know how you didn't put your foot down SOONER.
My adult SDs are now nearly the ages of your three (H and I have been together for nearly 7 years) and, let me tell ya, the first few years were sheer hell. They did everything in their power to keep "daddy" all to themselves, and I was many times on the "excluded" end of things.
After I joined this site (over a year ago) and began to hear other's stories, it made me feel much better to know I wasn't alone. And, just gaining that STRENGTH allowed me to let these "girls" know that they were not interfering ever again in my life (they were just bullies; they bullied "daddy" around since they were early teens, and they couldn't stand the fact that there was another "girl" in daddy's life who wasn't putting up with their crap).
As I made clear, even though I love your dad, "girlies", if I am EVER disrespected or on the receiving end of your NASTY ATTITUDES ever again, I will file for divorce. Then YOU THREE will have to live with the fact that you broke up the BEST RELATIONSHIP your dad ever had in his life. (Their mom left daddy when they were teens....largely due to the chaos they created in the house).
Wow, have things gotten better. And, that's the key. You must take your power back. There is no excuse for you being "second" in line. They should NEVER "come first"...with whom does he envision himself "growing old", with YOU (his "best friend") or his "widdle girls". If you don't put the kibosh to this behavior at some point, they will rule your life forever.
And, as far as the wedding goes, sure, go. I went to two of theirs, and I actually learned a lot. (Like how many other people don't like them....the girlies....due to their nasty attitudes.) Show everyone what a "class act" you are; then if you DO decide to dump this sideshow, no one will give a second thought as to WHY you did....!!
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt
Wedding invitation details...
Hello all~
Thank you so much for all your comments and suggestions. As I told you, I rec'd the "2nd" invitation the other day. It was mailed SIX WEEKS after the first one that SD had addressed to my DH only. THAT invitation was inside an inner invelope(as formal invitations go). Her handwriting on the outside of the outer envelope was very neatly written; had her return address on it; had a cute little butterfly stamp on the back; and even the postage stamp had a pair of wedding bands on it. MY invite was mailed in one of the "inner" envelopes; address looks like it was written (actually half cursive, half printed) by a child; was misspelled; had no return address on it; had a "plain" stamp on it; and looked like it had been sealed and reopened a couple of times before being taped shut. WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THIS????????????? I think her actions here speak louder than words.
Ok, what should I do????? Since it's clear to me that she doesn't WANT me there, I don't know what to do... Yes, I know I should probably ignore her childish behavior and attend anyway to appease DH and be the "class act". But on the other hand, when I'm treated as shoddily as I am (as her invite shows), it just plain makes me NOT want to attend this farce! Please give me some more reasons WHY I should go when I really have NO wish to see this girl get married.
I'm thinking about returning the second invitation to her in a different envelope with a note. I will tell her that because of her "half-hearted" attempt to make her father happy by sending out this second-rate invite, she should have saved herself the stamp. I will also tell her that if her father seems unhappy in the fact that I'm not at his side, SHE can explain when the other guests ask why I'm not there. But, I know for a fact that it won't bother her ONE bit, as she doesn't seem to care about anyone's feelings but her own.
PLEASE HELP ME OUT HERE!! GIVE ME MORE DIRECTION AND SUGGESTIONS!!
Wickedsm2004
Wicked to the Wedding!!
If you do that... if you return the invitation with a note, she will not tell everyone that she did a mean thing by making a half ass attempt. What she will tell everyone is that she invited you and you won't go, even though it makes your poor husband / her poor father (!) unhappy that you aren't there.
Let's see.... If I was mean.. I'd say buy yourself a nice beautiful WHITE dress and go to the wedding looking fabulous!! ha!!
I just think you should go.... buy yourself a fantastic dress... the day of go get your hair and nails done and pamper yourself... LOOK FREAKIN' FABULOUS and be the life of the party. Get along with everyone... Drape yourself on DH's arm... ENJOY THE FREE BOOZE AND FOOD and just rub it in her face. Have a great time despite her efforts to not make you feel welcome.
And look great doing it!!
This is one of those times I would use Rags' advice and make annoying your stepdaughter a SPORT.
Go girl!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***