I love the man, but not the kids...

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Hello ladies. This is my first post, though I've been a member (mainly reader) for a while. I'll try to make this short & sweet.

My boy friend and I have been together for just under a year. We are both divorced. I have an 8 yr old son, and he has 2 daughters - ages 7 and 4. We both have primary custody of our kids. The sitation with my ex is fine - not drama. He's a good daddy, etc. No issues there.

However, his ex his complete trailer park trash and has no clue about raising kids, let alone daughters. The little girls are out of control. When I first met them, they were like little orphaned animals. They had no manners, and acted like they'd been raised in a barn, we dirty, and had stained ill-fitting clothing on. My son even asked what was wrong with them, and couldn't stand to be around them. Through my time and effort, they finally have some table manners, know how to properly bathe, brush their teeth etc. I've bought them new clothes, threw out all their old holey socks and skid-marked underwear, etc. My issue is this... I'm feeling like my BF is just stepping back and letting me do HIS job without helping to reinforce what I've been teaching them. We don't live together, and I can only stand to be around his girls for a few hours at a time. And, they don't come to my house to visit, I go there. We tried that once, and things got broken, and my coffee table ended up with a picture on it drawn with sharpie. He loves my son, and doesn't understand why I don't love his girls. I'm honest with him and tell him I just can't bring myself to love them. They aren't like my neice (who's their age) or any other little GIRL I've been around. I'm at the point that even though I truly love my BF, and would like to have a future with him, I don't know if I could ever be a step-mom to these girls.

I'm sure I'll get blasted, but some constructive feedback would be nice.

Thanks.

Red flags mean slow down

I think that you are wise to question your future with BF. Maybe you should ask him why he steps back and allows you to parent his girls? How did he react when the girls trashed your place - did he make them accountable? I don't see how you can have a future with the BF if you can't see stepparenting the girls. You are reading all the right signs and I think your intuition is telling you to slow down and take a step back. Look hard at this relationship. I'm a true believer in counseling, it helped me through some tough times. Maybe it could help you? Glynne

Glynne, Thanks for the vote

Glynne,

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I'm doing exactly that... stepping back and looking at the big picture. Yes, I've asked him why he steps back, and he says because you're a great mother and from what you've done with your son, I'd like to see that with my girls. But, then I feel myself resenting him for not teaching him these things himself. Sometimes I worry that our own upbrining plays a part in the way we parent. I was raised in the south, where children and seen and not heard, and are very polite, respectful etc. He was raised up north - nothing like the way I was raised. I think our parenting is based on our core principles and ethics, etc. Anyway... thank you.

MinneMom, you are correct,

MinneMom, you are correct, and I've already insisted in only seeing him when he DOESN'T have the girls. I know it bothers him, but for now, he understands that he cannot force a relationship between the girls and I. And, I've told him I don't want my son around them for a while as well. I know it sounds mean, but I cannot allow their behavior to effect my son.

Thanks for the feedback!!

He wants you to do mommy's

He wants you to do mommy's job pure and simple. it seems to be a trend with men remarrying, they want a replacement wife/mother almost.

Seriously if his kids are the way they are now, its best to cut your losses and go. The mom could die in a car accident, than the kids will live with their dad full-time, is that something you're prepared for? Something you're willing to accept?

Thank you all so much for

Thank you all so much for your feedback and insight.

Yvonne35 - I think you are completely correct. I believe he's looking for a mother for his girls so he can step back, just as he's done the times I'm with them. He's already got the girls 90% of the time, due to the trailer park trash mother needing to "live her life". And, in the long run, I worry that all my hard work with them will be completely undone by their mother, who (when she does have them) has NO mothering instincts). She takes them to bars to see bands, she has different men over frequently, she allows the girls (ages 7 and 4) to watch rated R FOR SEXUAL content movies. The 4 year old knows the movie "baby mama" word for word. Because of these things, I worry about my son being around these girls. I am scared to death the 7 yr old will want to touch him, or explore him one of these days. She's very sexual for a 7 yr old.

Anyway... I'm rambling again. It helps to put things into writing...

Thanks again!

You're welcome..Texas beach girl

Like others have basically said, you need to look at your sons future, and what you want him exposed to. Of course he is going to be exposed to things but you'll be able to limit it or tell him its wrong etc.

While the mom wants to 'live her life' the dad is following suit to living his life while you raise his kids.

Perfectly stated... you put

Perfectly stated... you put the entire situation in a nutshell. As much as I love this man, you are correct. He is not, and will not pull his weight as long as I'm in the picture. Thank you crayon.

Your Confucious quote is my new favortie quote!!

I have to say that I kind of

I have to say that I kind of agree with the above comments, but I think you should end the relationship altogether since they are all (including yours) so young. Eventually, face it, you will want to take your relationship to the next level, and you won't be able to as long as they are young. I wouldn't want that 'white trash' element in my house or around my son. Picture your life down the road when your son becomes a teenager. Ok. Really think, do you want him exposed to the things that he will eventually be exposed to because of them?? As heartbreaking as it is I would end it now and move on. How hard will it be later. If I had known all the things I know now about my new husband I would have run for the hills years ago before I got too in love with him. (However, both our children were much older and now grown) By the time I realized how ridiculous things are I was already too vested in him and our life and couldn't go back. We've been together five years now and I am just too damn old and tired to worry about starting over. I'm 43, I know its not real real old, but I've chosen two terrible men prior to this one and decided I'm tired of looking. Now I'm hooked and in love much more deeply. But that white trash element in your boyfriends life is what worries me, you already will have tons of issues and struggle down the road. That just adds so much sorrow to it. My brother left his wife and three kids to marry a white trash girl that he got pregnant ok, then years later and she ran off one day out of the blue with no word to anyone abandoning him and their 8 year old son. Now, the son is a teenager, of course she bops in and out of his life (no responsibility whatsoevr), but just long enough to F** things up. My nephew LOVES his mother no matter what she does to him, etc....as any shrink will tell you that they all do. And now the issue is that my brother is fighting the trashy things he brings into her life like....she openly smokes pot WITH HIM, buys him alcohol and whatever other drugs she can get her hands on. Its a nightmare! Imagine that kind of thing being brought around your vunerable teenaged son, etc...I say break the relationship and save all of you the heartache down the road. Maybe I'm wrong, but I've seen how these white trash people work. Its a whole 'culture'. They know every government program for getting free money and food, etc...the cops KNOW them and what they do,etc....Goodluck.

I have to say that I kind of

Ladies, Thank you for your

Ladies,

Thank you for your wise insight and valuable feedback. I'm sticking to my decision to keep my distance from his kids, and only see my BF when we are kid-free. As many of you stated, he needs to step up and be a father to his daughter's father - which means teaching them how to be little girls, not little animals.

There is another issue that I wasn't going to mention, but it's been weighing heavy on me, and I've read several posts with similar situations - only I'm still in the "before" phase, not the "too late" phase... I can still bail. Sometimes I can be too judgemental, so I'd like your feedback if that's the case here. As I mentioned in my original post, my BF and I are both divorced and have full costody of our children. I've been divorced for 4 years, and have had time to get my finances back in order and remain stable. My BF has only been divorced for one year. (BTW - we are both in our late 30's). He is completely buried in debt to the point where he has to borrow money from his parents every month to make ends meet. I've tried to help him organize and manage his finances - giving suggestions on where to cut corners, etc. But, his lack of motivation to DO anything about it drives me crazy, and I'm rapidly loosing respect for him as a man, and head of a household. He's never made much money and doesn't seem motivated to do so. If and when we go anywhere or do anything, I have to pay for it. It's getting old. He keeps telling me he just needs time, that I'm 3 years ahead of him in the financial recovery process, but I truly don't see any changes or him fixing any of his financail issues. I make alot more than him, and have busted my butt to get where I am. I simply don't see that same sense of urgency from him, and I refuse to take on the stress of his financial burden as well. Am I being petty? Should I give him more time? As I've stated, I do love the man very much. He's the most kind-hearted, giving, loving man I've ever met. But, as my mother told me, LOVE doesn't pay bills.

OK - let me have it... and, thanks for your insight and support.

Oh no. No No NO and NO

Oh no. No No NO and NO again. hahahah I don't think you are being judgmental at all. I think the opposite. The more I read the more I think you need to dump him. Period. I also think that is a new element, that it has only been a year. He may have some wild oats still to sew having left a failed marriage just a year ago. Sometimes this type of thing (divorce and break ups) throws a man into a mid-life crisis deal. And sometimes a midlife crisis throws a man into divorce and break ups. Either way, he is bad news for you and your son. My God girl, there are SOOOOO many more fish in the sea. You should leave his ass, never look back and have fun while you look for another permanent relationship. Don't f** up your whole life and your sons too maybe by staying with this guy. Do you hear yourself and how you keep making excuses for him???? You are questioning yourself too. You are on the road to disaster really you are! Thats my advice. Could be wrong. But thats truly the ONLY way I see it sister. GOOD LUCK!! I wish the best for you!

Thanks kathryn. It's one of

Thanks kathryn. It's one of the mind vs. heart things. My mind (head) says go, but my heart says stay and give him a chance... Ultimately I know what I should do, just scared to do it.

Thanks again.

Why are you scared?

You're a good mother, a self sufficient woman. I don't understand why you are scared. I'm 54 and my major regret in life is that I didn't spend enough time single. It's been my experience that men need women more then women need men. Try taking some time apart and see how you feel. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Maybe all you need is a friend with benefits???

Glynne

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!

TBG,

You are NOT being selfish. Look, I know that divorce is financially devastating -- we all know that. And you are right that you've had more time to recover. But here's the thing: remember that your relationship is still a new one, which means that your BF is currently on his BEST behavior. He is "buried in debt," is borrowing money from his parents EVERY month, and is so not motivated to change his behavior that he is comfortable with you paying whenever you go out.

This will only get worse. Especially because he knows you have money, and (to use a dog training metaphor) you are "training him" to know that you will make up for his lack of financial stability. He already has you, and his situation is better with your money contributing, so why would he change? If his own sense of self-esteem and male breadwinner pride won't light a fire under him, then nothing will.

Staying with a guy like this will only lead to more of the same. His attitude toward money and self-sufficiency is making you lose respect for him. He sits around and lets you deal with the financial issues. He sits around and lets you parent his kids. Really, do you need another (adult) child in your life? RUN. Find a man who actually contributes something to the relationship other than his smile and sense of humor. This site is filled with women who are trapped in horrible marriages because they didn't have the self-esteem to leave a boyfriend who wasn't worth their time. Don't let yourself become one of them.

Best,

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

BB, Thank you so much for

BB,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. Your statement about him still being on his best behavior, and imagining what it will be like once the "honeymoon" is over, really made sense. I hadn't thought of it that way. Everything else that you said is exactly what my "head" has been telling me. I've just been trying to convince my heart. I told him today that I will no longer pay for his gym membership. His attitude surprised me - it was almost as if "how dare you cancel it?" I realized, just like you said - he's getting to the point where he's expecting me to pick up the financial loose ends. I've worked way too hard, am too old (almost 40), have been through WAY too much in life: physically abusive ex-husband and cancer to allow him and his kids to pull me back down. If I were the type to have FWB, I would, but I don't do that. Thank you for the boost in confidence. I think I can do it from here... Hugs!!

Thank you ALL for your words of encouragement. I think it's time I "grow a nut" and just end the relationship.

Good girl!

How DARE he get offended that you are canceling the gym membership?! He clearly expects to be able to just continue sucking off of you for the rest of his days. Too bad for him he's not smarter -- if he was, he would realize that he should at least try a little harder to ACT like he's embarrassed that you are supporting his sorry a**!

I'm SOOO glad you aren't going to let him drag you down. I'm 42, and I ditched my EX-husband at 39 (also a bit of a deadbeat). I am now married to an amazing man who does not take me for granted -- I look back at my first marriage and thank God EVERY DAY that I divorced him. You will look back on this relationship and laugh at what a loser this guy is and how much better your life is since you kicked his lazy a** to the curb.

Hugs!

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I wouldn't get in any

I wouldn't get in any deeper, and you are smart not to live with him. If you are happy keeping things casual, keeping doing that. Or move on. Especially since he has custody and they are around all the time. Stepparenting is very frustrating so don't jump in!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Wow.

Wow, such a familiar scenario. Good for you for not rushing into this. I agree with all the ladies that it's a good idea to work things out and make sure before you make a serious commitment, especially since your son will be so affected. On the other hand, if you really love each other and take it slow it can definitely work. I had no idea what I was getting into (my SS's sound like the boy versions of your bf's daughters) and dealing with his ex and my SS's can be a hellish nightmare sometimes.

I don't regret marrying my husband at all, but I would have clarified some ground rules before taking the plunge if I could go back in time. I have made massive improvements with my skids and they are immeasurably nicer and more well behaved now than this time last year. It works because my H and I are completely on the same page about how to raise kids and we are a united front with them. I have had my fair share of awful skid experiences, but it has gotten better with effort, over time. Be prepared for the trailer trash ho to freak out and be horrible if you do take it to the next step (no pun intended).

The bottom line in my situation is that it is worth it to me to be with my H, even though he has two seriously troubled kids and we've worked out lot of our initial problems with them. One thing that hasn't changed is that I have other kids to compare my skids to and they really are messed up, even with all our best efforts. The BM still has a lot of influence over them and so they are neglected yet spoiled and are always filthy and stressed after being with her. She actively counters our house rules and has told the skids that it's okay to disobey me and not to follow the rules, so we constantly fight against that kind of sabotage (the idiot doesn't seem to realize or care that she's hurting her own kids by trying to turn them into jerks).

I have a nephew and a niece and they just make my skids look even worse by comparison. Not only are my niece and nephew polite, sweet and good natured, they are also really cute and are always well groomed and obviously well loved and taken care of. My skids are about three years behind when it comes to school and social skills and my nephew who is two years younger than my younger skid and looks and acts like he is a year older. My nephew is friendly and when people say hi to him, he smiles and says hi and is just really friendly and sweet. When people say hi to my younger skid (and this includes family friends and my family) he won't answer and looks surly. It's not shyness, he is just rude and BM told him that he doesn't have to be polite to anyone when he's with us. So you see, these can be very upsetting problems, but are definitely work-out-able.

Good luck and I hope things work out!

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

StepMadre, Thank you for

StepMadre,

Thank you for taking the time to respond, and for sharing your story. I can COMPLETELY relate to your neice and nephew, and the night-and-day difference from your SS's. My sister's kids and my son as well behaved, polite, respectful, clean & tidy, etc. My BF and I once took his kids to my sister's place to play with her kids for the day. It was soooo embarrassing. Her 6 yr old daughter asked me why BF's kids spoke and acted that way. I realized these little girls were NOT ready to be around my family.

BF and I had a long talk last night about his "lazy" parenting and his response was, "the girls need your good influence". I can only teach them so much. They need to be around you and your sister and neice to learn how to be ladies." I thought that was just a cop-out. I told him it was HIS responsibility to teach his girls to be ladies, and if he needed good influences, take them to church (somewhere they've NEVER been).

We also discussed the who financial thing. His only response was, "you just need to find some rich guy who will give you what you want." I just laughed. That was an easy "out" for him - to accuse me of being a gold-digger... He knows good and well I've worked for EVERYTHING and have NEVER borroed money, or accepted ANY help from ANYONE. The only thing he could really say was "but I love you so much and I know you are the one for me". I told him LOVE doesn't raise children or pay bills. I was pretty tough on him, and I still don't feel like he "got it" at all... UGH!!!

Anyway, venting to you ladies has helped me to see what I must do, and realize I'm not being selfish in wanting the best for myself and my child, without being weighted down, and stressed out by an irresponsible, unmotivated man and his children.

You ladies rock... in reading your posts and stories, I feel very blessed that I have only ONE child and get along with my ex-husband (his father). You all are truly strong women - I admire that. Hang in there!! Hugs!

Please run away!!

If the man needs to get money from his mama every month, that's a problem! If his kids can recite "Baby Mama", that's not good for your son. Eventually, if you stayed together, his kids bad habits will rub off on your son. Leave...Go Now...The faster the better. You say that you're almost 40, you know what the outcome will be. Trust me, been through it all and it is not going to end well. Please learn from MY mistakes!

Lori, Thank you for your

Lori,

Thank you for your response. Yes, I'm doing my best to learn from all you strong ladies mistakes and stories. My first priority has ALWAYS been MY SON... raising him the best I can, so he'll become a strong, respectful, God fearing, driven young man!! I know my "love" for my BF is not worth sacrificing ANYTHING for my son... I chose to bring him into this world (in fact we tried for years to get pregnant), and his safety, health and well-being will always come first.

You're welcome Texas!

No problem! I also find it sooo comforting to read all your stories and get such wonderful advice and support. I think I would go nuts sometimes without this site!

Who knew that being a step-mom was such insanely hard work?! All I have to say is that those girls are incredibly lucky to have you in their lives (and your H too!). My skids haven't ever been to church either!!! I am a Christian, but a very relaxed one, but it is still really important to me to be baptized and at the very least go to Easter and Christmas services. My H believes in God, but isn't a traditional Christian, which is okay with me, but I think he should at least let me take the skids to church a few times just so that they know how to act in church. I am very accepting of other religions and I would be fine with the skids being a different religion, but I think it's really sad that they have had NO exposure to religion at all. I cringe to even imagine how they would act in church because they have never had anyone take them! My mom baptized me and took me to church when I was little and I have a lot of wonderful memories because of that. She never forced me to choose her religion and let me choose on my own, but I am very grateful that she taught me how to be polite and respectful in church.

It's great that H appreciates you, but I agree that it doesn't mean he can give up on his part of the parenting! The way I see myself as a SM is that I am a kind of supplemental parent. I definitely don't take over for my H, I help out, but I didn't give birth to those kids!

The money thing is so hard. It's still a tense subject for us too. Your son definitely comes first, in my opinion. It's your H's (and the BM's) responsibility to provide for his daughters for the most part and your son needs your resources. I think there's definitely a way to make the money thing less stressful, but i'm working on it too and it's hard! I used to spend a lot of my money on the skids, but now I am more moderate about it. I still spend money on them, but not nearly as much as I used to. As long as their needs are being met, they are fine. I think you are doing a great job balancing all of this, it is definitely very stressful! The great thing is that your son will grow up being raised well by a mom that actually knows how to raise a child.

"A lot of people are afraid to tell the truth. That’s where toughness comes into play. Toughness isn’t being a bully, it’s having a backbone.” ~Robert Kiyosaki

Ladies, I would like to

Ladies,

I would like to provide you all with an update: I ended the relationship with BF this past weekend. I feel both sad, and like a huge load has been lifted off my shoulders. I want to thank you all for your supportive words and for sharing your stories. I will probably still stop in from time to time to see how you all are doing, but since I not longer have to worry about possibly becoming a SM, I won't have anything to share. Stay strong and keep praying!!!

Congrats, TBG!

The "huge weight lifted" shows you did the right thing for yourself and your son. I'm proud of you and happy for you. Please do give us updates from time to time, to let us know how FABULOUS your life is!

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

Glad you figured it all out before marriage

or your life would have been hell. I have been married to DH for 5 years and we were first together the skids lived with BM. She was a witch, but I could deal with her EOW. Now, we have custody of skids and I have been doing all HIS work too, until recently. I have disengaged. I just wish I had known how these kids were before they got dumped on me full time. I sometimes want to leave too, but I am still holding out hope that things will get better. They have improved somewhat since my disengagement started. Best of luck to you in your future. I am glad you didn't get trapped.

"One should examine oneself for a very long time before thinking of condemning others." ~Moliere

Hip Hip Hooray for TXSBCHGRL!!!

A smart girl who RAN before she let herself get caught up in this MESS! Good for you Texas Beach Girl!

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I love the man, but not the kids...