Need Advice. Need to Vent!
I did my part in raising a very spoiled stepdaughter, feeding off of Dad's guilt and trying to be the good wife, good girl. I gave for 15 years before we even had kids of our own. After giving so much, and I mean ALOT (like everything from potty training to telling her not to talk back to her mother and throwing expensive parties for all her significant birthdays), I am rearing my own kids in more normal stable fashion. This, now 20 year old, princess, can't understand why we don;t just hand money over hand over foot, rarely calls her father unless she is getting a five star dinner out of it, and does not call me. I gave, I loved her as if she were my own (better, in some ways), and now, I am feeling like the obstacle to her princessdom, even tho I am awlays the one to tell her father to give a little more emotionally and he would rather throw money at the problem. I am sad she does not call me, but not that sad. I loved her, but not sure I care anymore. Is that horrible? I feel sort of horrible, although sort of at peace. My own little ones are so nice and sweet and giving. I am happy now. Is that so bad>
You always hope your situation will be different
I too was thrilled to have SD in my life for years, and I was as good to her as anyone possibly could be. We sacrificed to get her experiences she would not have had if it wasn't for us, music lessons, travel, etc. and the end result is the same as yours. Its almost like the more you do for them, the more they hate you.
I for one put it on BM. She was so I guess threatened and insecure in her parental role that she made it 'unsafe' for SD to love us too. But its SD who has to suffer now, as we are insisting that she have good manners to us or no extras other than child support. So SD is now in a quandary but at least BM is happy, and that's what is 'important'. Could that be the case for you too?
"It's funny how dogs and cats know the inside of folks better than other folks do, isn't it?"
- Eleanor H. Porter (1868 - 1920), 'Pollyanna', 1912
Where's Step Witch???
Though I definitely have a similar SD, mines never been spoiled but still is indignant with her belief she's entitled to be.
Step Witch on the other hand...you need to talk to her. She has a nearly identical situation.
Thanks!
Thank you for your comments. sounds like we all have a lot in common! I feel less alone. I am trying hard to become "disengaged" and not worry about the time and effort I spent which now seem lost. i did learn my lessons. my kids have chores, understand that things are earned, and are rewarded for good behavior (tho sometimes not, it is just expected). i guess the silver lining is the whole SD experience makes me a much stronger and fair mother, one is able to say "no" in a firm yet polite way, knowing it will benefit my children in the long run. last week, we were in a toy store and i had to explain to my son that you don't always get what you want and that this was going to be one of those times. He looked, nodded, understood and wandered away to play as long as we were in the store. Another lady came up to me and told me how remarkable I had handled him. There were no tantrums, tears, storming off and he and I both got our points across. That's the silver lining. Of course, we will see how I feel when the wedding for the SD comes up. My husband says that he will only pay for a wedding at our home (umm, we live in a 7000 square foot house on 20 acres so it is not exactly slouching.) Apparently, he "floated" this to his daughter, to which she made a face. He claims he is firm, yet, i told him that i was going to write "Four Seasons, beverly hills' on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and open it when the time is right. I guess at least I know what to expect . . . .
step aside - sounds like we are living the same life! I think your kids are very lucky to have you
I have a neice whos parents
I have a neice whos parents throw money at her to shut her up. and I have a SD who is the same age. she complained for a while about my niece having all this cools stuff. We are not rich people but we are not poor people. We make our kids work for the things they want like my sd wants a nintindo DS in order for her to get is she needs to get straight A's. This is so she will respect the 200 dollar thing rather than ruin it because she actually had to do something challangeing to get it. she hasn't done it yet but I am sure she will this year. Just because you hand them everything they want does not make you a good parent. you have to work for that.
Totally Agree with Mally
I screwed up. Unfortunately, by the time I figured it out, she was 13. I actually got her a job working for a friend's fancy dress shop. Her only responsibility over the summer (she was 16) was to walk 6 blocks to work in sunny Santa Monica. She threw a tantrum, and made her BM drive from miles away to pick her up and take her to her work 6 blocks away. And I am the mean stepmother because I told them both that was bullshit. Oh well, I screwed up by figuring it out too late and not teaching my husband from the beginning. Now, he is on her teenage bandwagon and says that I am mean . . .umm, for not letter Sd get a brand new $50K sportscar. It's not just me. She does not speak to a single one of her grandparents, her aunts, her uncles, her cousins. The entire family is very close except for this child . . ..