Buckets and Peeps
Hello Everyone!!
My name is Kevin The Man (named by godson and it stuck ) and I would like to first say that this is an awesome site and I have gained A LOT of insight as to my own behavior and that of my SO with the very valuable comments from very wise blogging people. The abbreviations take a bit to get used to though (meh).
My current issue is a toughie for me and the sole purpose for me seeking out this site. I have had the most wonderful relationship with my SO and her two boys, ages 8 and 12, an experience that has enriched my life so very much for eleven months. Well, we met twelve months ago and the past one has been the very hardest. Last month I mentioned that I was going to lose my roomies because they have decided to purchase a house and although I am very happy for them this is where my troubles began. My SO and I have talked a bit about moving in together and the second it got real in her eyes, the trouble began.
1. The Bucket- Looking over my computer screen one evening I saw copious amounts of dog toys littering the living room and decided to become proactive and clean them up. I went to the garage and found a bucket that had, just a month before, held plaster from where I had torn into the ceiling to fix a leaky pipe. Placing all of the toys, except for a few favorites into the bucket I was satisfied that I had done a good job. The SO didn't like the idea and started to hen peck me with little cutting statements about said bucket. I, moving quickly, went to corner emptied contents into corner and replaced bucket in garage. Her issue, or so she said, was that I didn't ask about using the bucket.
2. Peeps- Just over a week ago I was in the living room watching TV with the boys and wanted to get a snack. Looking around her kitchen I didn't see anything right off that enticed me, until....I remembered.....THE PEEPS!!! Yeah, there was still a pack up in the cupboard where she stashes her coveted jelly beans. I broke open the twelve pack, put six in a zippy, and proceeded to dole a few to the boys and then munch on the rest. I have never caught such hell and agony over puffed marsh-mellow treats in my entire life. It soon became, 'Kevin does whatever Kevin wants, and you didn't ask me for the Peeps'.
Wow, I have had such a tough time with both issues because I see the things within reason as being his, hers, theirs, such as a TV or an iPod, or a purse. I wouldn't EVER go there without asking. I am one of the most polite people I know. A bucket though?? The boys are now watching my big screen flat panel in their living room, the leak that ruined the kitchen is fixed and the ceiling is being saved for. The morning of the Peeps I bought biscuits for breakfast, chicken for the grill for dinner and a new bottle of propane to cook said chicken with. I have never had to ask for food from a loved one before. She wants me to ask permission for things I do not deem permission worthy. Oh, when Peeps were purchased, I bought some too but didn't feel like Easter Peeps so I only had a few. They must have had the rest.
Just yesterday I found out that our vacation to Tybee has been moved back a week after I took the days off months ago, and the current event informed grandma stated that she wanted it to be just them without me and asked if I wouldn't come, (we have been fighting to much). This, along with her saying that we have fundamental differences as far as 'asking permission' for things and now wouldn't be a good time to move in, has me thinking negatively about our relationship and its staying power. But she tells me she still loves me and is in love with me and wants to work through this so I have extremely mixed signals. She is a tough nut as far as compromise goes it seems.
She used to get mad at not rinsing off dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. (that is what it is for, right??) I have been putting my best foot forward and although she tried to get onto me about it the other day, I left her without words when I stated that although I may miss doing it all the time, I am doing my best and I reason that I am rinsing them 5000% more than I did before I met her. So, she is a tad reasonable.
I hope my first post here has you all giggling a bit but I really hope that you all can offer some insight into this and help me to make her a happier woman so I can be a happier man (and not ruin my summer, haha!!)
Thank bunches,
Kevin The Man
I live with my fiance and
I live with my fiance and have never had a time living in a separate house to him - we left our previous partners to be together so it seemed stupid to rent two places when we were homeless. Whilst I do expect his kids to ask for things like sweets and whether or not they can use things like my nintendo ds (I am mean having seen the way they treat things that don't belong directly to them I always say no) I certainly would not expect him to but then I also wouldnt expect him to ask before looking in my purse we have a what's mine is yours deal. She does seem rather protective over what is "hers". Has she given any reason for being so possessive over things like a bucket or a few jelly beans?
You are getting the RARE
privilege of witnessing how things will be in the future. I understand that you have a year invested in this relationship, but if SO is already involving dear old Mom in your disputes, then that is as big a red flag as her rigid "YOU NEED TO ASK ME FOR PERMISSION FOR/TO DO (Insert ridiculous item/task here)" behavior. You sound like a pretty reasonable individual, and the fact that these actions are not resonating with you should tell you something!!! My sister, who is severely mentally ill, used to do this stuff..she would mark her name on all of 'her' soda, food, etc (even though she was living at my parents' house for free), and have an actual breakdown if any of it was touched. That was years ago, and my sister has gone downhill since. I would be extremely cautious about moving in together if I were you--you're only seeing the tip of what is probably going to be a fairly large iceberg of 'quirks'--and that's just with SO. I mean, come ON..buckets and peeps? How absurd is that? Now just think about adding the stepparenting into that.....YIKES.
Kevin the Man
I strongly advise you to work out a bunch of issues before you move in together. We made the mistake of cohabitating before coming to some agreements on parenting, personal space, boundaries, possessions, house chores, etc. ad nauseum. I posted this before in my blog entry, "Mistakes we made #1". Not agreeing on your role ahead of time will force you both to react to problems when they arise. Taking the time to list out your boundaries and expectations in advance, and putting them in writing, will give you a plan to fall back on when things get tough. And believe me, things will get TOUGH. But if you're both smart and love each other, and can communicate with each other, you'll get through it. Hopefully without having to enter a reactive, crisis-response mode.
Talk to her ex.
Have you spoken to the ex? My bet is he'll mention "control" in the conversation.
Its not the bucket or the food.
Don't continue this relationship unless you're going to be the M in this S&M relationship that she's developing. She's beating you into submission while keeping the hook set with words of love.
Once you're netted the full extent be revealed. Run
********************
There's an exception to everything I say.
Orange County
Too funny... This is the perfect example to me of how women see something one way and men view it as a completely different thing. Although we all mention issues of control... you took it right to where I see most men go with it! Just kind of cracked me up..
If I had to guess ...... you have a control freak on your hands.
KTM,
Welcome to the community. I hope you find a good place to vent, contribute and get some useful perspective from some very sharp people.
For sure you want to address these issues from the perspective that they are extremely insignificant as to be not worthy of discussion.
Come on????/ Peeps and a bucket are points of contention? WTH is that about?
That said, my Lovely Bride and I had some extremely similar issues early in our marriage. Ours were Unread Magazines (dozens and dozens of them) and Food Items eaten without permission (our version of the Peeps).
The point I would like to make is this. Food is open game for adults in the home. If it is in the Fridge, cupboard, cabinet or pantry it gets eaten. We solved this by putting tape with the word RECIPE on it if something was purchased for a specific recipe or planed meal. Anything else is fair game to be munched on by adults in the home. Kids have to ask permission, adult residents don't.
I had to go dumpster diving to recover HER magazines that I threw away without her permission. These were magazines that were more than a year old that I got sick of having to pick up, move, etc ....... Now, I should have asked but I thought I was doing a good thing by de-cluttering our home. You would have thought I had made a derogatory about her mother or something. So, we worked it out. The long in use system is that we will ask once if a magazine should be kept. If I get no response or if it sits unread gathering dust and becoming clutter it can go in the trash without further consult.
If not addressed in an adult manner these things can grow in significance and drama all out of proportion to their true value so I think you are wise to get this type of thing hammered out early.
It would be a shame to have end a relationship over PeePs.
We don't have problem with PeePs. I am a Juvenile Onset Diabetic so my scalping the PeePs is a zero risk situation in our home. Not that I can't understand the appeal of PeePs.
Just my thoughts of course.
Good luck and best regards,
BTW. It is good to see some more testosterone in this community. This is definately an Estrogen rich environment.
Love ya Ladies!
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)
Rags
It is estrogen rich!! Which is why I think we ladies like reading your blogs so much... they give us a little perspective on the male side of things. You are very PC and cognizant of our feelings! Orange County's reply cracked me up though. I think that took it all the way to the other side of testosterone!! I like seeing that too... so that we ladies actually see with a mirror... Wow... is this how our actions look to the men in our lives?
You know what, though?
I'm a woman, and my reaction was about the same: run, she's a complete control freak.
Wonder if that means I'm a little low on estrogen...?
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Welcome KTM, I am also new to the blog
In our house, it's cheese that's the problem, so I have become creative in hiding it! My FH LOVES cheese and he will scoff it down without a 2nd thought to the rest of us who also love cheese & which always comes in handy for a quick meal. So I have learnt to either cut it up and freeze it, or hide it! But seriously, I think that your SO is controlling & I would suggest what my FH & I are busy doing, that is a marriage course. We have learnt so much about ourselves, let alone more about each other! We have now been living together for 3 years and admittedly our problems only really started this year when my SD17 moved in and started taking over! Some people don't even realise what they are doing and remember old habits die hard, so she needs to take a step back and look at her behaviour. See how silly little things can blow up into larger relationship-wrecking fights. Good luck. Trust me on this, find a marriage course or pre- marriage counselling before you enter a permanent relationship with this lady.
Good point.
Kevin, I bet if you DARED to suggest that, if she needs you to ask permission to eat a Peep, she should ask permission to use your gas, your TV, she would go COMPLETELY NUCLEAR ON YOUR A**!!!!!!!!
If she's a reasonable person who just had a bad day, if you suggest these things, it will make her realize she was being unreasonable, and it will provoke a discussion about rules, etc. If she is unreasonable and not someone a person can have a decent relationship with, you will find yourself engulfed in a mushroom cloud of anger and vindictiveness. And there you will have your answer.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
I see red flags
I think bickering over small things is a waste of time and will soon drain the love out of a relationship. I was married to someone who would randomly scold me for what I considered minor and stupid things. Soon I was walking on eggshells. No way to live.
Also, I find it pathetic when there are real problems (ie abuse, infidelity, etc) that someone would focus on something like "he leaves the cap off the toothpaste." I see complaints like that all the time in magazines, etc. Grow up.
Also I do not like the IL changing the vaca to exclude you. That is plain rude.
If you still want to give it a shot, make it clear that you won't be bullied, nagged, bitched at, sniped at, etc. ad naseum (come on she mentioned the peeps more than once? give me a break)
JMHO. And I'm female.
"..Wow... is this how our actions look to the men in our lives?"
Yes Stick it is.
It isn't that she complained about not finding peeps when she had a yearning for one. I'd complain too but this one started the harping.
He wrote: "I have never caught such hell and agony over puffed marsh-mellow treats in my entire life. It soon became, 'Kevin does whatever Kevin wants, and you didn't ask me for the Peeps'."
Hell and agony. Do you really think this behavour will end once the bucket disappears?
My advise stands. RUN.
*******************
There's an exception to everything I say.
The big red flag for me
is exactly that: her using one misunderstanding (for that's all it is) as a way for her to pass permanent judgment on Kevin. From now on, any little thing he does that she doesn't like, she will cite as further proof that Kevin is a selfish a-hole who can't be trusted.
Not a very pleasant permanent role to have, is it?
If it were just an argument about the Peeps, I'd say, okay, it's obviously not about the candy, she must have some other issue behind it that she's not able to talk about -- who knows, an ex who always just took everything she had and never asked whether she was okay with it. But with the way she has reacted to these two things, my gut instinct is: it's not about the Peeps or the bucket, it's about the fact that she needs to have a boyfriend she can completely dominate and make feel like s*** so she can feel better about herself.
I know people like that. We all know people like that. They're the ones whose relationships you look at with horror and say, oh my god, I can NOT imagine living like that.
No one needs that. There's no way to have a good relationship with that kind of person. Hence, my instinct to say, RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN!!!!!!!!
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)