Confused about priorities
Here's a question for bio- and step-parents. My DD14 lives with my FH and I. FH's 3 teenagers live far away and he sees them occasionally (he has no custody, only visitation, and no input into how they are raised).
I have always prioritized my daughter's needs above everything. I see that as my job as her mother. Next is my relationship with FH. When my daughter is an adult and no longer needs me, my husband will come first.
The question is, what should my partner's priorities be? In my mind, he should be placing my needs and those of my child first (the kid who actually lives with us and who we are raising). I've read on these forums that if a guy says he places his kids first, run in the other direction. Does this mean I should be prioritizing him and our relationship above the needs of my own kid (cause that just isn't gonna happen)?
Confused. Help?
IMHO....
Breaking up with a girlfriend or boyfriend is far more easy than Divorcing... Anyone can get mad and just grab their things and LEAVE...
I will focus my answer on a MARRIAGE... That being said, I believe that marriage comes first... But not in a selfish, neglecting manner towards the children...
The issue gets complicated when you blend a family, because the level of importance between the biokids and skids change...
It's hard to define what "marriage comes first" mean... I can only speak for myself. In my case it means that DH and I are a team, and WE (and only we) make the decisions in our household. Also, that WE are on the same page... If I say "No" to either SD5 or BS1 (not Dh's bioson) my decision should be not only respected but enforced by the other party...
It means, that parents and children will not take sides nor form teams... and will ALWAYS present a united front for the kids...
This doesn't mean that I love my Biological son less, because is a different type of love and that I will not defend his best interests...
The family must be balanced... that means, bonding time with each child, bonding time as a family unit, and bonding time as a couple... ALL three of those are very important when it comes to any type of family.
Again, I can only speak for my family... DH met my son when he was a week old, we married when my son was 7 months old, and today my son is 20 months old... and DH is the only Male figure he has had
SD was 4 when we married, and she is 5 now.
DH consults me for EVERYTHING... for SD5's schedule, discipline, etc... and my opinion is usually the last word... he shows/tells me that this marriage comes over anything else...
He has told me (and showed me) that he would NOT tolerate SD5 being disrespectful to me, not even for a second.
When you do not put your marriage first... one of these things might happen
1)If your spouse DOES put the marriage first, there is a priority conflict, and will definitely lead to chaos.
2)If both spouses put the children first, the marriage will be based on the children. When these kids grow up and move out, you have two people in a household that don't know each other and don't know each other and can't function properly since the base of their marriage is gone.
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
IMO - the marriage comes first.
Don't get me wrong, my children's happiness/well being is a huge priority, but to me, my marriage comes first, and DH agrees. I can't and won't be a hypocrite, and expect him to put me first, if I'm not willing to do the same.
If the parental figures in the household aren't happy, or are fighting, or stressed, it trickles down to the kids. They can sense the stress, hear the arguments, and see the unhappiness. If you have a strong, happy, healthy marriage, not only does it set a good example for the kids, it makes the home run much smoother.
You said it yourself - when your daughter is an adult, and no longer needs you, THEN your spouse will come first. What happens if it's too late by then, and your spouse has had enough of being second?
JMO
I agree with Lastnerve
Your marriage has to come first - to both parties. It sets a great example for the kids and a strong united front builds a happy healthy relationship. Putting your kids first will only make your SO resent you and your child. Hence, stress, aggravation and fighting. And oportunities for your child to capitalize.
If you can't put your spouse and marriage as priority number one, he won't be around when your kids grow up and move away.
Ouch.
Good points there. I'll need to consider this one carefully. For nine years it was just my daughter and I as a team. Then he moved in and we tried to be a family. I have no experience with long-term partnerships, especially when kids are involved.
FH and I do provide a united front to my daughter; any decisions involving her are (usually) joint decisions. She refers to us as her parents and accepts his authority when I respond to her requests with, "If it's okay with FH." We're getting closer to behaving as a family unit, but the skids have done so much damage to the relationship with FH and my daughter that it's slow going.
When FH and I had this conversation yesterday, I expressed to him that I think I should come first in his life. He asked me if I put DD14 first. My reply was, "You're still here." This is after five years of VERY difficult adjustment time for her, rejecting his presence, fearing his children, and putting up with his own guilt-ridden issues regarding his bio-kids. She's had a rough time of it, but we stuck it out (very much against her wishes but she had no choice). So I think in that respect I have put our partnership first.
I guess the real issue is what happens when best interests are in conflict? It may be in his kids' best interest to visit our home. But it is definitely against the best interests of myself and my daughter to have them here. It is certainly against my daughter's best interests to be exposed to SD16 (see my blog entry for details on that little monster).
I'll admit to some messed-up thinking where my daughter is concerned. I'm far too permissive and I've given her far too much power (ouch again) but I'm working on it, with FH's help. If we had met and married the regular way (before kids) the question of priorities wouldn't be an issue. I guess the real problem is her displacement as the "most important" person in my life.
Sigh. Thanks for setting me straight.
I was alone for over 11 years
Before DH and I started dating. It was an adjustment for all of us, but one we wanted to make work.
DH knows that my girls have a father they love, and don't need another. He believes his role with them is more of an "uncle" or "mentor" figure.
I don't know what to tell you about his kids. Is it possible to arrange to have your daughter at her father's house, or a friend's house when it's time for his kids to visit? The two of you (you and FH) need to come up with a compromise that is satisfactory to both of you. Otherwise one of you will resent the other - and that's not condusive to a good relationship.
I'm not sure what you mean when you say you've given your DD far too much power. In what regards? You need to make sure she knows that yes, you love her as much as any mother can love a child, but you are going to marry FH, and as your husband, he will share the "head of household" with you. Unless he's done something major to her, she doesn't have to love your FH, but she should at the very least, respect him.
Marraige comes first
I've told FH before that I understand putting children first when you're casually dating. If you're not cohabiting or serious, why would you put your children on the backburner to appease your SO? But, once you combine households or things get serious, things need to change.
I've never asked FH to put me above his children. What I have always asked for is this: "My needs should come before their wants. My needs should come before your wants. Your needs will come before my wants. The kids needs will come before my wants. Their needs will come before both our wants". <--That is how the priorities should be. I think it's wrong for you to demand that you and your child be first in his life, while your DD is first in your life. When you made a commitment to marry him, you chose to be HIS partner. Telling him "you're still here" is a really awful thing to say. It's a cop-out answer. A simple "NO" would have sufficed.
Would you want to marry him if he treated you this way? Would you want to be with him if he puts his children above you?
Nicely put 2Bloved
I really like the "needs before wants" way of stating things. Thank you so much.
You're probably right about the "you're still here" thing, but it wasn't said maliciously and given our history it was accurate (I'll always be bluntly honest but I'll work on tact). There was more said but that was the basic jist. I agree that it's wrong to demand that I come first if I'm not willing to put him first. If you read my previous posts you'll see that's exactly what I'm now doing.
My twist on priorites
1) Yourself. If you don't take care of you, then you can't take care of anyone else.
2) Your marriage. Not your SO, but your marriage.
3) All children. Bios and steps equally.
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
Good one, Wicked!
All too often we women put everyone else above ourselves and suffer for it in more ways than one.
Therefore I modify my response to the following:
1. You
2. Your marriage, which IMHO is your spouse and you
3. The kids
4. Everyone else
Okay, I've been set straight on priorities
Here's how I'll look at it from now on:
1. Me
2. My partnership (soon to be marriage)
3. My kid
4. His kids.
Sorry, I just won't prioritize those little hellions who cause problems from a distance and only see their father a few times a year (when it suits them), and who hate my daughter and want nothing to do with me. Good enough for now. Thanks everyone.
I think your list is fine.
I wouldn't put SD ahead of my own children, but I don't expect my DH to put my children before his either. The fun part is trying to find a balance.
As long as HE knows HE'S no. 1 to you, and YOU know that YOU'RE no. 1 to him, then the rest is gravey!
Maybe he should run.
If I understand your question properly you're saying that you've been told that your partner should forsake his children placing you and someone elses child (yours) on a priority higher than his own.
If I met a woman that said that I would not run I would take the nearest jet.
How much (or little) input he has in his childrens lives probably leaves him with a lot of time to concentrate on you and yours but why (when you would dump him in a second if he demanded that from you) do you think you are more important than his kids?
I know you're asking the question not making a statement. But I don't understand why the question should even come up. Your "friends" are dead wrong.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
So you prioritize your kids over your wife?
I'm not saying that I think I am more important than FH's kids. I certainly don't expect him to forsake them! And I wouldn't "dump him in a second" given that I've already put up with HELL from his kids, who have been nasty, abusive, ill-behaved houseguests who don't give two sh*ts about their father and use him for his (my) money and entertainment value, and who have contributed considerably to the decline in my own mental health, yet I'm still with him. This is also despite his seeming inability to bond with my own daughter for fear of how said nasty teenagers will react, at the expense of her own psychological and emotional development.
I'll take the advice of those who believe the marriage should come first. I'm in agreement that he should prioritize his relationship with me over his children. To me, that means that I should have a say in who is allowed in our house at any given time, how much of my money should go to birthday and Christmas gifts (quote from SD16, "These diamonds are so SMALL!" after receiving a necklace FH was proud to give her for her 16th birthday), activities that are planned when they are here, where they should sleep (and with whom), what freaking poles SD16 should not dance on, whose cigarettes are stolen, where we should hide the booze, and how bullying and abuse should be handled in our home.
That also means to me that I insist I be treated at all times with respect by everyone who walks through my door. Should a step-kid not agree to our house rules, I would expect FH to support me in presenting a united front and discipline accordingly. If there's a problem, here's the door.
He could run, yes, but he'd be left alone with grown children who still have no respect for him, and even fewer reasons to see him as he'd be unable to afford taking them out for dinner on Father's Day and his birthday (despite the fact that they are all working and have more disposable income than he has). He could make his kids his first priority and take his daughter's advice to hire a prostitute, work in an oil refinery, and hand over grandma's jewels lest she take him to court. Oh, and he'd better start saving now for her trip next year or she and the judge will have a chat. Is this the kind of life you would condemn him to? He'd be reduced to a basement apartment with a lawn chair and a tv. And I can guarantee that not only would his kids disdain him for not being able to visit them (because half of his income goes to their mother), he'd have a hell of a time finding a new girlfriend who would not only put up with this crap but would also accept not being taken out on dates because his kids don't like her.
With friends like this who needs...
Not sure what "friends" you're referring to, but the marriage comes above all children. And then the children, whether custody is there or they are rarely seen, are still of equal importance.
I do agree with your last sentence/signature though OC. As in I TAKE exception to what you said and how harshly you said it. That's not tough love. That's a massive chip you're carrying there that must have more to do with your situation than I know of you thus far.
"To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?" ~Hamlet Act III scene I
Not sure about your advice
Not sure about your advice OC, but I do like your hat.
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"Waiting for them to simply PAS out!" ~ Wicked2Three
HAHA! ~You can see clearly
HAHA!
~You can see clearly only with your heart. What is truly important is invisible to the eyes~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry's
Only ask what you are willing to do
I think if you want him to put you first, you should also put him first. I believe that the marriage must come first or it will fail. Your DD will be ok and also recognize that parents are entitled to love lives too!!
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin
I am willing to place my marriage first
which is why I asked in the first place. Thanks for the reassurance, Most Evil, that my daughter will be okay. She tolerates him for my sake. And I think on some level she does love him, at least I hope she does. At least she will grow up having witnessed how much work goes into creating a healthy relationship and how very worth it the effort is.
Oh yes you have rights.
I don't mean to imply that someone is not a equal partner in a marriage.
Each partner has a right to veto who comes into their home, how the money is spent and all other aspects of a marriage.
Your statement was:
"The question is, what should my partner's priorities be?".
My answer remains the same: his children.
Your rights trump his priorities but only when it comes to shared responsibilities and assets. His emotional support and time will go to his children. He's already shown you his priorities and were he here asking I would not tell him to forsake his kids, no matter how mean and spiteful, for you or your kid. What in heavens sake makes you think you're so important that a man should leave his own children? You would scream bloody murder if someone asked you to do the same.
Of course you have the right to never lay eyes upon them again which means they can be kept from your home. You have absolute veto power over how common money is spent.
You said:
"I have always prioritized my daughter's needs above everything. I see that as my job as her mother. Next is my relationship with FH. When my daughter is an adult and no longer needs me, my husband will come first".
I'm not sure what "FH" means but why should your husband feel any different about his kids?
You are extrement confident that your child is the most important thing in your life and that all other things will fall by the wayside if they interfere with that relationship. Yet when your husband does the same you come here and complain.
I'm only suggesting that your allow your husband the same freedom to love and care for his kids, as best he can and as best as they allow, with the same passion.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
Not sure where you got the idea I think he should leave his kids
Thanks, OC, for your response. I come here to seek input because we obviously haven't done an effective job of blending our families so far. I'm open-minded enough to accept that I may be wrong, which is why I asked for advice in the first place.
You're right, I did ask about what his priorities should be. And in my first post I did say that I prioritized my daughter over my FH (future husband). If you read the rest of the thread, however, you will see that I reconsidered my position, based on the many responses received. Nowhere did I say I wanted him to "forsake" his children, and I find it a bit puzzling how you received the impression that I want him to leave them. In my last post I stated outright that I have obviously not dumped him, despite the fact that he and his children DID interfere with my relationship with my daughter.
I think you may be making some incorrect inferences from my posting. I fully support his relationships with his children, in that for the last five years I was the one reminding him to call them, encouraging him to spend individual quality time with his daughters, and helping him to deal with the difficulties his kids were having without losing his temper with them. There was even a period of time when their relationship with me was the only reason they came to visit, due to his heavy-handed, top-down, impatient style of parenting.
I feel confident in my decision to place our marriage first, as a strong foundation upon which to build this family. Any cracks in that foundation caused by prioritizing the kids' demands over each other's emotional well-being will only be exploited by those kids who would rather see their father alone, broke, and miserable than living with a woman who loves him to the ends of the earth but who won't allow his kids to bully her or her own child. Incidently, he feels the same way.
I would ask that you read the whole story before making assumptions about what I would do or about how my partner feels.
Oh, and isn't this forum supposed to be a venue for complaints? Because I sure do have a lot of complaints, not about my partner but about the rotten behaviour of his teenaged daughters.
Want advise - you got it.
Don't be so thin skinned. You've gotten advise which is what you asked for. Some of it you'll agree with and some of it you won't. Take it as a whole and go forward picking and choosing what works best for you.
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There's an exception to everything I say.
Dont have time right now to
Dont have time right now to read everyone's responses, but these are mine.
1. God
2. My husband
3. my children
4. my extended family & my friends
DHs are the same.
"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"