I was ROASTED in the Step/Bio Mom site in iVillage

Forums:

Wow!

Do the BMS hate the SMs there!

They did not like to hear my opinion on spanking skids when they got out of line. According to them, SM are NOT the other mother and they are not our kids. We just have to pay all the bills for SKs, wash up, clean up, cook for, shop for, tuck in, bathe, take to practice, drive around..etc.

So, we are not SMs, but NANNIES who PAY the BM to watch their kids for them!

Read my post on "Divorce Support" or "Divorce Source" Forums

Google "Divorce Support" or "Divorce Source" Forums and make a post about step moms and you will see what real hate is

Hmmm... You may not like this, but I agree with them.

Even though my kids are beyond spanking 'age (18 and 15), there is no way on God's green earth I would have let my DH spank them. Nor would my exH allow SM to either.

On the flip side, I myself, would never spank SD7, I don't feel it is my place. Discipline yes, as in send them to their rooms, take away a privilage, even raise a voice or yell if need be, but not spank.

JMO

I agree 100%...hell no would

I agree 100%...hell no would ANYONE spank my kids, nor would I ever spank anyone else's!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Melis, Last Nerve on spanking

I also am in favor of giving schools back the right the spank as well as grandparents if it's warranted. I don't know if that's because I have not birthed any myself, or if it's because I'm older. I just think that kids nowadays need a little discipline and KNOW that too many people are afraid to spank them. I'm not a child abuser -I cannot stand to see any child hurt. I also do NOT condone slapping a child in the face - ever. I was at the DMV the other day and a woman slapped her 2 year old child in the face because they wouldn't stop crying. NOW that woman should have the police called on her. I was in shock.

Its been done away with

Its been done away with because its been proven not to work in correcting the behavior long term. Some schools in some states DO still have the option, if the parent is notified ahead of time. I'd pull my kid outta school so fast if they ever tried that crap.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Any ones in particular; had

Any ones in particular; had a TON come up and I can't tell which ones are used.

And you didn't know what my

And you didn't know what my post was about. It was how some BMs think their kids are above the rules and should not have to listen to or respect the SM. Causing problems in the home and allowing the skids to run over the SM while she is one of their caregivers in her own home.

I wasn't saying, "Bust out the belts and sticks and let's beat some kids!" I do not think 'beating' is an acceptable form of punishment at all. That's not what I was saying--just to be clear!

But I think SMs do have a problem with their Skids running all over them because they are afraid to stand up to the child. But on the other hand: they're expected to act as "mom" when it comes to paying the child support, the health insurance, the medical bills, the sporting event dues, the school supplies fees, cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry, bathing, hugs, tucking in...etc. If the SM is the mom in her home with any child and is expected to play the part as a mom-she should also, be able to act like a mom (not THE mom) in her part.

Where is the BF in all of this?

Is he allowing the skids to cause these problems, and run all over the SM? The BF, IMO (any bio parent) should be teaching the skids to respect the step parent, their home, and their rules, etc...

In a perfect world I suppose. Unfortunately, if the bio parent in the home does not do this, then the step parent is fighting a losing battle.

No, I didn't read your post, but if you would like to share it here, by all means, it may help to clarify...

EDIT:
I think there are alot of factors that should be taken into consideration. If the step is cusodial, if the other bio parent is in the picture, if the bio's agreed to their spouses spanking the skids... Alot of it boils down to how one feels about it as well. I know that even if DH told me to spank SD, I wouldn't be comfortable with it. I would much rather send SD to her room to wait till DH gets home to deal with her. The wait alone would probably be enough to put the fear of God into her!

I hear this all the

I hear this all the time...SMs are expected to act like the mom - who exactly is expecting this?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Did you read all of my post?

Did you read all of my post? We're expected to "act like MOM" and PAY out of OUR accounts (I'm married to DH, it's MY money, too!) for their CS/BM support, buy their clothing, shoes, school supplies, food, cook for them, clean for them, give them a room in our home, drive them to drop off and pick up, school activities, bathe them, do their hair, help with homework on weekends, hug them, love them, tuck them in, say I love you, take them to friends' homes, keep insurance on them, pay the medical bills, take them to the Dr...yeah..THAT sounds like "MOM" duties to me.....have sex with BD...yep! THAT definitely spells MOM to me...

-------------------------------------------------

But on the other hand: they're expected to act as "mom" when it comes to paying the child support, the health insurance, the medical bills, the sporting event dues, the school supplies fees, cooking, cleaning, errands, laundry, bathing, hugs, tucking in...etc. If the SM is the mom in her home with any child and is expected to play the part as a mom-she should also, be able to act like a mom (not THE mom) in her part.

---------------------------------

If I have to look like a mom (to said child), walk like a mom and act like a mom--then I'm A MOM. And the child will be treated like all my other kids in the house. No special treatment. If my kids don't get by with it, then my skids won't either. It just wouldn't be fair and just to punish my kids while they see the others go scot free. Same with punishment goes with the lovings and huggings, too! They ALL get hugs and kisses-regardless of whose they may be.

I understand WHAT you think

I understand WHAT you think is expected of you, but WHO is expecting it of you? BM? DH? Skids? I know no one expects me to act like a mom to SS so I'm wondering for those of you who feel its expected of you, WHO makes you feel that way?

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

My house, my rules, my discipline! BioDad can kiss my ass

and I don't give a flying rat's diariatic (I think I just made up a new word!) crap if he has a problem with me spanking my SS or not.

If he had either the brains, ability or gave enough of a shit to raise or provide for even one of his four out-of-wedlock spawn I still would not give a crap what he thought of me spanking my SS.

Inept parents whine, real parents parent. The eternal victims in those other communities can whine their way further in to irrelevance all they want. I choose to be my Skid's Dad, my Wife's husband and live an awesome life.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

thanks Rags...

I know I can count on you to say in a mere few sentences what would turn into a Sita-esq book if I attempted. Different generation sometimes I think. Have you read the study in the Netherlands on how full out abuse has risen with the anti-spanking laws? I have it bookmarked somewhere and will send it to ya.

Petitesphinx

Where you pixiedust or something like that on Ivillage? I think I saw that blog - I looked it up after you wrote it here. If that was you, you are right... it was like, the kids are not listening, they are disrespecting, a spank is ok. Whoever it was didn't say "beat them til they cry" they just said a spank to get them in line. The thing about spanking is that it works if it's unexpected and used sparingly. Because then the kids are more in shock than actually physically hurt. It's their pride that gets hurt and that's what makes it work. I thought it was ridiculous that the responses were to call the police on stepmom that did spanking...

Hell no. I would beat the

Hell no. I would beat the crap out of anyone that spanked my kid.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

What if they deserved it?

What if they were being ignorant nasty disrespectful little snots? What if the person that was with them tried reasoning, cajoling, pleading, crying and being nice? Look at some of these stepmoms on here and what they deal with. Like Crayon, for example with Droopy . Or Blabbs - the little girl who won't shower and poops herself. (well, maybe not spank her til she's clean)... don't those stepmoms have the right to discipline those evil, nasty uneducated, PURPOSELY DISRESPECTFUL children in their own home?

Discipline - yes. Hit - no.

Discipline - yes. Hit - no. If you can't handle the way someone else's child is behaving, make the parent come and deal with them. If both those parents give permission to you to spank, so be it. I, for one, would never give permission, neither would my exH, and neither would my DH.

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

The non resident parent has no say or control over discipline in

the other parent's home. As long as corporal punishment is not excessive or abusive it is a perfectly legal, acceptable and often effective disciplinary option.

I am not talking taking little Johnny to the wood shed and taking a switch or belt to his butt until it is hamburger. I am talking a firm pop or a few to the rump.

Several years ago there was an American kid in Singapore who violated the graffiti laws and was sentenced to canning as the consequence for his actions. I read years later that he went on to a quiet productive life and I would bet that he never picked up another spray paint can again in his life. Canning for vandalism in our own country would sure cut down on the nasty crap that is spray-painted all over nearly every major to medium sized city in the US. Think how humiliating and effective a deterrent it would be for the tough hood rats (both juvenile and adult) to be bent over and have their butts hamburgered by a 7ft long cane for defacing public and private property.

For parental discipline an age appropriate standard of reasonableness would apply and no bruising or lacerations should ever occur. A nice beet red stinging ass gets the point across nicely.

If BioDad took issue with corporal punishment in my home, so be it. But I would not care nor would I give him any of my time to discuss it. I am too busy parenting my Skid to waste my time on his BioDad.

Just my thoughts or course.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

RAGS!!! Thank you!

I can tell you that if that kid in Singapore was me, my father and mother would both be saying - hey you did something stupid and got caught - you DESERVED it. Same thing if I ever did anything and ended up in jail - I'd sit in jail until they released me. No bond for me!! I'm not talking about beating a child either. But I just feel that we have all gone soft. Did you see the news about the girl who didn't wear panties to school with a DRESS on ??? And then when she got her photo in the yearbook - SURPRISE beaver shot! And Mom wanted all of the yearbooks recalled. I told SD that if she EVER left the house with a skirt / dress on and no panties - I'd take away all of her skirts and dresses from that point forward.

Same with my Parents. If I had ever ended up in Jail I would

have been on my own until the Judge released me. Then the hard part would have started because nothing a Judge could have ever done to me would equal the power of Dad's lectures (Particularly the one my Bro and I refer to as Lecture #22-B) and countless hours of sifting dirt in the yard for month after month after month of weekends. All that after he would have had us drop our drawers and lit up our bare butts.

But, since neither my Bro nor I ever progressed past some minor stupid kid stuff (due to Mom and Dad's effective parenting and truly devious disciplinary methods) nothing remotely close to Jail ever happened.

Interestingly, there is pretty much ZERO graffiti in Singapore. Hmmm .... Imagine that.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

Like I said,

Maybe it's because I'm older. I've got I think 15-20 years on you. Might be a generational thing. It was accepted when I was growing up. I'd be curious about that - anyone that answered this blog before - for or against... how old are you, if you don't mind sharing? I'll be 45 this July

I'm 30 in less than a month

I'm 30 in less than a month ugh...now I feel old. I was spanked growing up too. Never stopped me the next time though! Spanking only lasts a few seconds, didn't phase me. It was restriction I was scared of. If I spank my son, it just pisses him off and makes him worse. If I take something of his away, like TV time or videogames, that gets him. I never thought "oh I better not do this, I might get spanked". My mom figured it out & started using restriction. Then I straightened up!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

LOL

I'm 40 Stick, so make that 5 years, and not a "generational thing". It's all a matter of choice. How one chooses to raise their children and how one chooses to discipline them.

I've got 2 BD's, 18 and 15. I can count on one hand the number of times I've had to resort to spanking either of them. They got one good one on the bum, and then off to their room. Children can be raised without beating them.

When I was growing up, my Mother had absolutely NO problem spanking, hitting, or beating me and my older sister. And not with just her hand either. She would use whatever tickled her fancy - ie: my father's leather belt, wooden spoon (went thru several of those), spatulas both plastic AND metal, the fly swatter (that left nasty welts, let me tell you), the hair brush plastic and wooden... you name it, it was used on us.

It was a rare occasion when I had to spank my girls. I chose not to. Firstly, because I know exactly how it feels to be that little, and have a grown "adult" coming at you with their hand raised because you "played too loud". Second, my sister has taken over from my mother, and spanks/beats her kids the same way my mother did us.

I believe that spanking teaches a kid violence. My sister and I had some knock down, drag 'em out, blood drawing fights growing up. Her kids (she has 4) fight like crazy amongst themselves, and with kids at school (two have been suspended for fighting). My girls argue, but that's it. They don't hit each other, or other kids, and are both honour roll students.

So if someone were to tell me I've made the wrong choice in not hitting my kids, I would have to say I don't think so.

I agree. My son has never

I agree. My son has never hit anyone in his life, not even when he's been hit by another kid. Not even as a 2 yr old. NEVER. Here's to praying it stays that way!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

And I forgot to add...

That my exH and I split up when the girls were 4 and 1. My current DH and I have been together for just over 3 years. I managed to parent and raise them for over 11 years alone without resorting to hitting them. And they still turned out ok... I think...

I agree that spankings should never be frequent occurrences

LN,

Spankings are not beatings IMHO and are a viable disciplinary method depending on the kid and on the situation.

I too can count on a hand (with maybe one additional finger) the number of spankings my SS was received over the years. His Mom administered a couple of them. The last one was several years ago when he was ~13. After 12-14 I think they lose any effectiveness they might have.

When he was a young child he got a couple with the hand. When he got older it was a few with a very light wide paddle that made a bunch of noise and a bit of a sting but no damage except to his pride. After the lecture we would send him to get it while his Mom and I waited, and waited and waited throwing out the occassional gruff "You had better hurry up. The longer this takes the worse it is going to be". He always had enough time to try the magazine in the pants or the 10 pair of underwear thing.

Spankings should never be reactive only consequences for known and willful bad behavior and always preceeded by a lengthly lecture and followed by the "I love you very much but you have to learn to use your head so you don't have to feel because ..............." speech. IMHO

I am sure the lecture and post spanking speech had more impact than the actual butt smacks on my SS. They did when they were delivered by my Mom and Dad when I was a kid. My Spanking career as a kid was in the 1-1.X hand range total though I don't recall exactly how many I got by the time I got the last one at 14.

Though I believe spankings can be a viable tool, adults who beat a child should be in jail. No slaps, no fists, no blunt force instruments, no choking, no physical contact for disciplinary purposes except to the butt with an open hand or a tool designed for the task and not to cause physical damage to the kid.

Just my thoughts of course.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

I agree Rags.

And in your particular situation (you being the father figure in your son's life from pretty much the get go), I would agree with you doing spanking. My exH knew about my mother's "spankings" (actually, she always refered to it as giving us a "licking"), and he agreed with me on how to discipline the girls.

Interesting that you brought up that kid in Singapore. I remember when that happened, and I applauded him getting caned. I think he was about 16 or 17? He vandalized someone's property. I think that's a result of his parents not teaching him to respect other peoples and their things. They should have gotten a couple as well.

Generally, the threat of a spanking if they were doing something wrong, or behaving badly was enough for them to stop and listen to me. Like the "F" bomb. I rarely, and I do mean rarely used it when they were little. One day (they were 9 and 6), I was in the kitchen, under the sink, replacing the grommet. My hand slipped on the lip of the pipe, and I sliced my index finger wide open. My automatic reaction was to yell "F*CK!!" My oldest came running in, she knew something was really wrong for me to have said that word, lol...

It seems spankings and F-Bombs are much more effective if used sparingly.

No doubt about the spare use of spankings and profanity with

kids anyway. Too much and it is an indicator that the parent is losing control or themselves and that is never a good thing.

I was raised in the Middle East and there was extremely little graffiti and nearly ZERO violent crime. There is something to be said for rapid severe application of justice.

By the time we get through all of the appeals in our own justice system everyone has pretty much forgotten what the criminals did in the first place. Fair and effective is one thing, insanely cumbersome is another. At least when it comes to consequences for crime.

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

Don't get me started on the justice system...

Ever hear of the Young Offender's Act of Canada?

It's a friggen joke. If you have the time, google it.

Between the YOA and the some half brained idiots that call themselves "parents", it's no wonder these juvenile delinquents don't care...

Oh - and DH is an attorney. I can usually get his goat by talking about the YOA, or Canada's lack of capitol punishment, lol...

Hey, I thought this was ROAST BM site?!?! Wait, I AM SM/BM..

Turned 30 this year.

I had a few spankings as a kid; but not enough. I grew up in the whole, "He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) type home. But my mom was kind of a softy and I got by with a lot more than I should have.

That "Time-Out" parent move and never worked on me, nor did it ever work on my kids when yuppy-let-the-kids-express-themselves-nose-in-corner-time-out people tried it on them. My genes are way tooooo tough and stubborn for anything like that. And I don't raise my children to have an overload of "stuff" or to be materialistic. They are raised that value is in family and friends, relationships with other people, experiences, learning the world around them; there's nothing materialistic of theirs I could take that would bother them to the point of "straightening up." They value mom/dad's opinion of them-so the spanking is what speaks their language. Not time out and not taking a piece of plastic away and saying..."Oh, you did it now! I'm taking this plastic thing with batteries that makes noise!! Are you regretting what you did now?" hahaha they'd laugh at me.

And I will say AGAIN. Spanking is NOT the same at "hitting." People, stop calling spanking-hitting! That's like saying all Christians bomb Abortion Clinics! Or all Americans are lazy & fat. There are EXTREMES to everything and anything you want to debate. Beating a child is flat out wrong and does not teach the child to respect that person; respect is different from fear. I cry when I see a dog hit on the side of the road-the LAST thing I would ever do is hurt a human being--especially a child! I love my children enough to do what's best for THEIR personalities in order to train them up right and how I can proudly answer for the way they've been taught to handle situations. Stomping feet? Not my kids? Screaming and crying? Not my kids. Saying NO to the parent?? No way, not my kids. Kid, did you do your chores? Yes, Ma'am. Yes, those are my kids. Big hugs? Yes, my kids. Happy kids? Kind kids? Respectful to any and ALL human beings they meet? Yes, my kids. Spankings? Yes, you betcha.

Of my four, the eldest required little spankings in the terrible three-5s, a few pops on the butt, and she quickly gained respect for her elders and parents from a young age, so she doesn't require much now. My middle boy needed very few-but when he needs them-he NEEDS to be brought back into line. (The mouthy-ness, some parents might awwwe and ohhhh over at 5, but it is NOT cute when they're 16, mouthing you off and stealing your car keys; because the worst thing mom/dad will do is send them to their video game, mp4 player, cell phone, radio, internet, dvd full-of-punishment room to "think" about what they did wrong-yeah right!) My other middle child doesn't need much spankings; the pop on her butt when she does something that needs to be addressed seems to embarrass her more than anything. And she remembers that although she's getting her own independence-MOM and DAD are still head of THIS household. THAT is what the spankings are for. There's a way to do everything. When mine are in trouble, we sit in the room and I talk to them about they're in trouble for. They tell me why they're going to get the pop on the butt, they get their pop-pop. Enough to sting. Then we discuss again why they received it. Then we hug and they don't that again. Never spank or yell or discipline when you're angry!! Never. THAT is key to proper discipline. If they do something really terrible. Cool down and have them wait for you in another room. But never yell or spank if you're angry.

I see soooooooo many kids in public and I want to grab their mother's/father's by the hair and rip their pants down and swat THEIR butts for failing to raise proper, quiet and respectful little humans. I've seen kids almost get hit by a car in parking lots because they're not equipped with moms/dad's respect and when the parent says NO, the kid ignores them and continues to run out towards traffic. When MOM & DAD say NO! The child should stop immediately and listen to their parents. THAT is when I have a problem with these parents who think it's 'cruel' to make their kid mind. Would you rather pop a child on the butt (NEVER a beating--remember, there IS a difference) or would you rather a child not listen to mom/dad and run in the road and get hit? Or ruin a church service? Or ruin a wedding? Or make people look around and say "that's why we're never having kids?" Those screamers in public, yelling at their OWN parents?? My own kids look at other children their age acting like animals and look at me and can't believe what they're seeing.

Not all kids needs a pop on the butt, but time out certainly did not work with me, nor did/does it with my kids. With my stubbornness-a butt whooping was the only thing to get my attention. I learned respect and I learned how to obey someone when I didn't want to.

Both were lessons that helped me and will help my children when they're in school-listening to their teacher, when they're at work-listening to their boss (even though they don't want to) and when they're married-listening to their wives when they don't want to...ahahahahah had to add that one to lighten the thick air.

And don't have me for dinner! I'm a good mom, promise!! If you met my kids you'd be blown away by how good little human beings they already are. Let's get back to roasting the BMs!! Fire, Fire!! (Oh, I'm a BM, too...) shucks

Just wanted to say....

That unfortunately, I am drained from things that should not have had my attention and can't offer up much support right now.

However, I am in total agreement about kids, about spanking etc. There is a difference between abuse and spanking (or soap in the mouth- what a tried and true remedy for talkin' back- generations in the making.)

I do think in contrast to some others, that it is very generational. Not that there aren't always exceptions to the general consensus and all, but...

No one debated this issue when I was a child. What constitutes abuse, psychological theory, the majority of our views on moral, well on most behavior being moral or immoral, appropriate or inappropriate, has always been a reflection of the current cultural discourse and consensus.

It's cyclical. Now there are studies showing that places who have made spanking illegal have resulted in an escalation of abuse. Many theories on that too, from it's just defined so broadly now that more actions count as abuse, to the fact that parents weren't given sufficient coping tools to kids having no healthy fear of consequences for their actions.

Lots to debate and surely that won't stop. I also often wonder if spanking were so evil that it taught kids to be violent, why the most violent post modern generation ever was raised mainly without a swift kick in the pants/has never been introduced to the "board of education."

I have 4 kids, 3 bio, one step. My 3 bio were spanked occasionally, yelled at some, guilted at times, and put in time out at others.

DH's D was only sent to her room and talked to, and is totally unable to weigh out consequences for her behavior. As she smugly announced to me in front of the 60 something child psychologist once, "What are ya gonna do????? GROUND ME? Give me a LECTURE? It's not like you can hit me or anything so I do whatever I want."

From the mouth of babes.

I hear ya...

I just wonder about some of these SM's where they tried the restrictions and it didn't work either... you know? It also depends on the kid I guess. Because you're right - some kids won't get phased by spanking and others would be humiliated!! SD over here - we don't even have to yell at her. All we have to do is say that she disappointed her father and I. And that makes her cry!!

Isaac Asimov said it best...

"Violence is the last resort of the incompetent".

My Dad throws this one out though I do not know who the

originator is.

"Profanity is the crutch of the intellectual cripple".

I need to listen to Dad a little more effectively. I have been known to drop an F-bomb occasionally. Though never at work and never at my Wife. I have slipped with a "What the F where you thinking?" upon occasion with my Skid. For sure you don't want to hear me when I am driving in a high concentration of idiots or if I am watching a News story on stupid people. My vents can get a bit ripe.

Our current administrations hell bent for bankruptcy fiscal policies are going to be my major challenge as far as reducing my use of profanity. The last guy spent Money like water flowing in the Amazon, this guy thinks the oceans are made of it.

Our Grandkids, Grandkids are going to piss on our graves for the debt we are going to load them down with under this administration.

Substitute "urinate" for "Piss" and "synaptically challenged" for "Stupid" and "Idiot" since I am working on my profanity. :?

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

Comparing Violence to a

Comparing Violence to a Spanking is like comparing Anorexia with being healthy and thin.

There is a thing called BALANCE.

Must everyone jump to one side or the other?

Is it eat your heart out and weight 300lbs or only eat 2ce a week?

Do we shave our heads or grow our hair to the floor?

We're Christians! Let's teach the world about Love and Forgiveness and go blow up abortion clinics! (Get my point on how asinine that sounds?)

There are those people who go overboard and go to the extreme with anything; that doesn't mean there's ONLY ONE way to do something.

Sheesh! Read my opinion on MY spanking MY children-NOT my SKIDS (THAT is THEIR DAD'S job-NOT MINE) before ya'all throw me in with wicked witches. AGAIN MY children-I LEFT out the NOT the SKIDS part (typing leaves your thoughts out) and THEIR DAD gets on to them when HE gets home if they're not following the SAME rules as the children who live here follow.

ALL in fairness!

Actually thats was the only

Actually thats was the only argument in the first place...not whether or not to spank your kids, but whether or not you have the right to spank SOMEONE ELSE'S kids...my belief is no way. If ANYONE hit my kids, I'd hit them!

"I child proofed my whole house, but they STILL get in!"

Interesting...

What's posted here:
"Sheesh! Read my opinion on MY spanking MY children-NOT my SKIDS (THAT is THEIR DAD'S job-NOT MINE) before ya'all throw me in with wicked witches. AGAIN MY children-I LEFT out the NOT the SKIDS part (typing leaves your thoughts out) and THEIR DAD gets on to them when HE gets home if they're not following the SAME rules as the children who live here follow."

What's posted on IVillage:
"If SM spanks my kids, loves them and hugs them--that does not make ME any LESS their REAL mother and I am secure enough to know that. If my SKs need a swat on the butt to remind them that they can't continue to do something harmful-then they will get it. Getting it form me or their BD doesn't make their BM any LESS their REAL mother."

Re-read the last two sentences: "If my SKs need a swat on the butt to remind them that they can't continue to do something harmful-then they will get it. Getting it form me or their BD doesn't make their BM any LESS their REAL mother".

Makes you go "hmmm...", doesn't it? So which is it - DOES she spank them? She's given her consent for her bio kids SM to spank them, but I didn't see anywhere on either post that said her skids BM had given her consent for her to spank them.

Oh, no Rags! I've become an intellectual cripple-just this year!

"To Thine Own Self Be True" William Shakesphere

Yes, I cuss. Not at work. Not in my daily conversations. But the b.s. with H & SD18 has me speaking a different language. And I don't like that part of me. I don't like what I'm becoming thru this ordeal of 13 months.

But, on the other hand, I recently (well, in the last 6 months or so) read an interesting study regarding the increase in calming hormones when someone who normally doesn't use profanity finally resorts to it. I usually feel somewhat better after a good F-where needed-has been said. Of course, during the first 6 months of this "union" I was afraid to say anything, so it all spewed out like a volcano!

And I think the final F you is going to feel damn good!

Hahaha YES! Me, too!! I was

Hahaha

YES! Me, too!!

I was the sweetest, happiest, calmest (well, kinda, sorta, maybe a little) nicest person up until the 2nd month of knowing BM!

THEN all of a sudden, I developed Tourette Syndrome!! I'm the one who needs to sit in the bathroom with a bar of red soap in my mouth!

At times I know DH thought the top of my head was going to pop open and the demon }:) was going to crawl out!

WHAT is it with BMs pissing in your cornflakes and causing the word vomit to spew out? :sick:

I'll admit it, I'm guilty! You're not alone!

you are cracking me up petitesphinx!

"I was the sweetest, happiest, calmest (well, kinda, sorta, maybe a little) nicest person up until the 2nd month of knowing BM! THEN all of a sudden, I developed Tourette Syndrome!! I'm the one who needs to sit in the bathroom with a bar of red soap in my mouth!"

Oh man... I am sitting here chuckling. This may replace my favorite simile-

My children have heard me swear at times like a trucker with a sailor's thesaurus.

I am just pleased as punch to meet you.

The ivillage forums make me sad

They are so anti-stepmom that it's just sick. I have read some truly horrible things on those forums, but never posted. I went to gain a little perspective on how the BM's think regarding SM's...and was just disgusted. Back in my younger days I might have the nerve to get on there and try to defend myself...but I realize that it's a lost cause. This is, after all, just a way for us to see inside the minds of the women that we bit%# about on here all the time. If they are seeking out a forum to post about BM/SM issues, you can be assured that they will not have anything nice to say.

Some people who are gluttons for punishment or just love a good debate may keep themselves busy on those sites trying to defend their side...but I just don't have the time or energy to fight a losing battle. If I wanted to hear that kind of crap I'd just call up my SS's BM.

*~So sayeth Nymh~*

My Dad is pretty much a experiential atheist.

He was raised in a very conservative Christian home and even sang on some Televangelist programs when he was very young. He ultimately went to college for Engineering where he adopted a religious pragmatism perspective where he could take some of it, leave most of it and apply his own intellect on how to interpret and apply it .......

Until my youngest Brother became gravely ill. During that time Dad went to the hospital Chapel and made a deal with God. Heal my youngest brother and Dad would sell everything,become a missionary and dedicate his entire being to growing Gods Church. Don't heal my brother and cease to be believed in, acknowledged or recognize. My Baby Bro passed away less than 24hrs later and Dad pretty much wrote God, religion and religious leaders off as pap for people unable to make decisions for themselves and has pretty much never acknowledged any of them since.

He is without exception the most trustworthy person I know with incredible character and uncompromised personal integrity. But, he and God do not get along. It is not open or verbal conflict and he has said only that we (His boys and grandkids) should use our intellect and make our own decisions on religion. He will go to Church with my Mom if she asks and will go during Holidays or family gatherings because it is a family activity. However, he pretty much just sits and watches and does not otherwise participate or comment.

He made his deal and God blew it. For that Dad will never forgive God.

His guidance on profanity is not from a religiouse perspective but on a personal credibility perspective.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications)

well

It doesn't surprise me that these BM's have so much hate and contempt for "that woman" who cares for their kids. Personally, I have no problem with spanking. Not saying that the kid should be beaten until bloody or that it should occur often but I think that parent's lack of effective discipline is why so many children have no manners and are disrespectful.

Basically I'm with petitesyphinx and Rags on this one.

I have to agree with LN and Mel

I do not spank my own Biochildren or my Stepchildren..I can honestly say I have NEVER spanked my two children..And they are respectful,smart and well behaved children..They know and have know since babies what they can get by with and what they cant..Though Im a firm believer in taking things away, and sometimes for long periods if need be..And if anyone TOUCHED my children even harshly I would be so far up there ass, I could spit out their throats..My exhusband doesnt spank them either, or their stepmother..So I dont agree that you got to spank kids to get them to behave.And I get compliments all the time on how well behaved my babies are.You teach them at young ages right from wrong..Im not saying Im perfect Im far from it, I just know what has worked for my children and myself..

"The future's uncertain and the end is always near." Jim Morrison

I hate to say this

I hate to be the one to point this out but I belong to a good number of other step family forums and it is a pretty unanimous conclusion that alot of the step parents on this site over step their boundries.

Step Talk gets brought up on Garden Web Step Families forum ALOT and they always say ow crazy and controlling alot of the step mothers are on here. I'm afraid you would probablt get roasted almost anywhere you went saying you spank your step chidren.

I am a custodial step mother of two and I have the OPPOSITE problem. My husband tells me I NEED to spank the girls so he isn't always the bad guy but I am just not comfortable with it. I feel it is more my place to ASSISST in dads discipline...not take it into my own hands. We make a really good team and J is a really good, fair daddy so it's easy to take that approach. He isn't a guilty parent at all so he has no problem correcting poor behavior.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Abuse Vs. Discipline

"What if they were being ignorant nasty disrespectful little snots?"

If this is how you feel at the moment then you would be hitting them out of ANGER and that is not disciplin...it's abuse. When an adult let's a child get under their skin they have lost control and they need to step back before reacting.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Since you quoted me...

Spanking a child once as a little pop on the bottom - when you are frustrated is NOT abuse. Take that for what you will. You can take the first quote and then leave the rest of everything I said out... but get it right. Some children will only listen when they are shocked into listening. I stand by that. And to be honest, I never did have to spank SD. But I as as hell did discipline her when warranted... with a stern word or look or "go to your room". If I thought for a minute she deserved a little swat on the bottom, or needed her hand "spanked", not hard... just enough to be the message across... I would have done it.

If you had read any of my other quotes, you would see that I also NEVER condone slapping a child in the face.

So again, take whatever sentence fits your argument and run girl!

And if you think that because I say this I'm a child abuser, then you are sorely mistaken. And obviously haven't read anything at all about me.

I was just restating what I have heard

Just saying what is being said on other sites is all. If you would like to mosey on out to garden Web and check it out you'll see. Yahoo groups StepMomsOnly says the same thing.
I plan on making my own decision.
I came here to see for myself.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Stick

I wasn't saying you necessarily did that becasue you were using that quote as an example. I am not stupid. I can read. But in response to you using that quote as an example as to what might warrant a spanking:

It would be abuse for any adult to strike a child out of anger. Period.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Stick

It would be abuse for any adult to strike a child out of anger. Period.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Ok goodmom...

Coming from someone who has never really spanked a child....

Please answer my question. Obviously this doesn't mean too much to me because I have never done it!! BUT, I think there's a lot of things wrong with this generation and with the way our generation(s) parent. As Rags and I had noted... if we were in jail, our parents would have left us there. That's the emotional equivalent of a spank to me. You got yourself into this... you get yourself out. You see the consequences of your actions in real time and it's not pleasant.

STRIKING a child is abuse. And it doesn't have to be out of anger. Striking a child is definitely abuse. I don't consider "striking" spanking, so maybe its a matter of semantics.

But my original question still stands and I haven't seen anyone give an answer that makes sense to me.

What do you do with a child that will not listen to stern words, privileges taken away, "the look", pleading, cajoling, arguing, or bargaining? What do you do with a child that will NOT listen? And not because they are not capable. But because they won't and don't want to. They have no fear of anything you can (or will) do.

I'd suggest counseling for that kid. But I also have to say that there are some children talked about on this site that need a wake up call. And the thing is, it doesn't matter to me if it comes from the mom, the dad, the teacher, the counselor, or the police. I know my opinion is really unpopular, but I do think that some kids needed a little more discipline and a little less talking.

I'll answer ya, Stick!

You grab that little snot up, throw him over you knee and give him an age appropriate spanking.

Yeah, I spanked my SS5, once or twice when he was younger. Like you said, a swat on the behind when he had it in his head he didn't have to mind me. He's hasn't gotten anything like that in his head in about 2 years now, that couldn't be corrected with a stern word or two.

FH just spanked him recently for just completely ignoring what every adult told him. Me, his dad, MIL - talking to him just wasn't getting the point across. He got a swat or two on the behind from dad and he straightened up real quick. This was like a month ago and we haven't had that problem again.

This is an argument that comes up again and again on ST. Of course there are pros and cons to corporal punishment, some don't believe in it and some do.

I'm in the camp that does and I won't waste my time trying to convince the other camp otherwise. It worked on me, my brother, FH, his brother and I see it working on his kids. We've tried the new-touchy-feely-don't-bruise-their- delicate-little-egos-by-humiliting-them-so-give-them-a-time-out-instead method and hey, when it works, we go with that, but when it doesn't - I'll just say I'm not above trying other methods.

Stick

My husband spanks his kids. I am not against spanking. I was spanked as a child and I turned out fine. You are right striking and spanking are not the same thing. What I was saying is you should NEVER spank a child out of anger. If you are pissed at the kid when you spank him/her it is NOT discipline, it is you taking your anger out on a child.

I am all for an honest spanking done with the right intentions but if you are simply spanking a child because it pissed you off then you are doing it for the wrong reasons. You have lost YOUR self control at that point and taking your emotions out on a child. You dicipline a child by giving them a spank to teach them right and wrong, you hit a child because you are mad. It is two very different things and the difference is the motive behind the action.

Are you diciplining or are you punishing???? Discipline teaches, punishment hurts and causes embarassment. Two TOTALLY different things.

I would never hit a child that wasn't mine. The girls live with me and I still would not do it. i am just not comfortable with it.

Having a baby does not make you a mother.

Ok well for my little opinion

I have spanked my BD when she was younger for being repeatdely disobeident. But found out it worked alot better to takes things away (i.e. tv, play time, telephone, allowance, and now computer and cell phone.) But as far as that goes she is my flesh and blood. WHEN it comes to my SD and others - I would not put my hands on them. BUT if they are in my home they will behave or be disiplined. I will have them in time out, or take away things just the same.

I am the mother of my home and will be treated as such. BM tries that bull with me - she does not want me to have any interaction with her child- not bathe her, feed her, comb her hair - nothing. She also feels that me and my daughter should leave my home when SD comes to visit.

Well, bottom line - she has no say so in my home with what goes on at all. BUT i will give her the same respect I demand. I would not put my hands on her daughter.... BUT now when she acts up and DH spanks her is a different story.

But I dont care who the hell her mom is, grandma is, granddad is, SD will not come in and disrespect me as the mother in my household. Bottom Line.

Spank em every day whether they need it or not!!!!!!!!

Yah, I remember all of us STalkers saying that........

I am not necessarily a proponent of spanking as a rule. However, I support corporal punishment as a tool available for child discipline as deemed appropriate by a present adult.

Growing up my parents friends had their tacit approval to spank us if we misbehaved in a friends or neighbors home. Though I did get a lecture or two by friends of my parents and my own friend's parents I never was spanked by them. However, I knew unequivocally that I better not step too far out of line with them or I would get a swat on the butt.

To me, corporal punishment is not the reserved territory of only BioParents but is an option for any adult when dealing with a child in the care or home of that adult. If a parent does not like the possibility of their child getting their butt popped by a School Principle, by a step parent or when in someone else's home then keep your freakin kids at home, home school them and do not force your misbehaved little shits on society.

I for one would have no problem blistering the ass of a kid I caught tagging my fence with graffiti or misbehaving in my home.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

for those who seem to think that their kids are angels BECAUASE

they never spanked them...

My mom worked at a daycare. She saw a hundred different kids with as many personalities. She remembers many funny things the parents said like, "Well he was such a dream of a baby that we know his new sibling will be just like him b/c we must have done it right."

How 'bout he was just a calm, non excitable baby who likes his parents to be smiling so much that when they frown he racks his little mind to figure out why and ways to avoid that look.

Then his new baby sister comes along who is uber sensitive and reactionary, and when mom and dad smile she's on cloud nine and when they frown she gets so anxious she acts up even WORSE than whatever made them mad to begin with.

My kids each came out as individual people. I had to spank BS 15 a lot- meaning number of incidents not a lot each time he got into trouble. And yes Stick I did occasionally ever so lightly slap him on the face when he said something absolutely horrible to me at 10 or so, when spanking had no effect. That slap did though. Haven't had to go there in about 4 years either. The few times the past few years he was pushing me to get an explosion that wasn't going to come...
My hand raised, and he ducked down to his little boy man cave bedroom to sulk. Then several hours later he would come up with tail between legs and apologize for pushing me b/c he "knew better" and would have deserved it if I did follow through. Then he would spend a day unloading dishes and giving me extra hugs etc.

BS 12 and BD 3?

Hardly ever have had to even give a gentle swat in the diaper padded rear. An evil eye "mom look" is all it takes, OR when I give BD a directive and she repeatedly talks back and refuses to comply? I only have to ask if she would like a spanking and she says no and hops to whatever it was. Actually I remember one time that at 3.5 she answered that question with a smirk and a loud YES! So I did, one quick barely there tap on her bottom. She was testing me. I passed. She never smarted back a yes answer again.

Honestly, everyone is giving way too much weight to anyone punishment, strategy, consequence as right, wrong, or the ultimate truth to all things that motivate kids to do what's right.

Bottom line is that parents do what they can, with what they have, and by trial and error what works. I never spanked SD of course. She was NINE when we met. She loved and elevated me beyond compare as the lord supreme greatest SM to ever grace the planet. No wait- make that greatest MOM period. DH never spanked her b/c he feared what her mom would lose control and do since she gave DH black eyes, and threatened herself with knives in front of DH and SD. But not because he doesn't agree with spanking. He just couldn't do it and SD is not a better child for having no real reason to fear a physical consequence.

Sons SM never asked my permission to spank my kids, but since they were still 2 and 5 I'm sure it happened. As long as she never backhanded them or left bruises then I really never had concerns about it. Just like I never feared the teachers paddle- well I DID fear it but never gave myself the chance to be properly introduced. That "board of education" hanging on the wall with holes drilled in for effect (less wind resistance the teacher said) was all the motivator I needed to keep myself in line in grade school.

I'm tired of this debate- well at the very least I'm tired.

Think I need a few days off the soap box derby. Perhaps longer.

You are here

I was ROASTED in the Step/Bio Mom site in iVillage