Well, I will give you the point of view as a BM and SM... If my BD came home at told me her SM smacked, hit, yelled, I would look further into it. I think it is the protective nature of the BM. The way that I got through this I took the initiative to get to know the SM and her views on child rearing. She knows my stand as well. Now when something arises, I immediately let my ex know that I feel uncomfortable. But I would NEVER proceed to the courts because it is so very destructive to the child.

Now from the view of a SM. My five year old SD (who we have custody of)has had severe behavioral issues, usually refuses to respect me and is currently in therapy. I did not know where my boundaries were at first. Did not want her running to BM with exaggerated stories (such as your case). I steadily lost control of her, my rules, my home. After going through much therapy, I realized that I am also the mom, actually the primary because I spend all the time raising her. I have to punish her in order for her to respect me, and to accept me as a parent. Her therapist told me this was ok. That the children must know that respect is a must. The child doesn't have to love us, or even like us as step parents, but respect is mandatory. Now, this child is becoming more loving, more respectful and more like a BD.

Let the BM do what she wishes. Luckily, the BM to my SD is now in jail and I no longer have to deal with her crap, but prior to a few months ago, I was in the same boat as you. You may think about not using phsyical means for punishment. I learned that what I do with my BD is somewhat different from my SD, but you definitely have all the rights to reprimanding!!!!! Good Luck.

Our SS's live with us as well and believe me, I HAVE to disipline these boys. In the beginning, they would go to BM's and tell her I beat the s**t out of them and of course she wuld call whomever she felt she needed to at the time. I finally got tired of and asked DHS, and called the police dept to find out if I could get into any trouble for correcting their behavior. This is what I was told:

DHS~As the child(ren)is living in your house, even if it were on a weekend only basis, you are responsible for their behavior and therefore must take action to correct any said behavior that is not beneficial to the child. We do not encourage spankings, but it is legal as long as there are no brusies. As the SM, it is more your responsibility than it would be say, a babysitters.

Police Dept~Well ma'am, it's like this, YOU will be held accountable for any law they break as they would be in your care so I would suggest you make them behave and(my favorite) while talking to my SS's on the phone, an officer posed this question, "Would you like me to come out there? Because if I do , then I get to spank you".

So, in conclusion, as an SM and BM myself, I have no other recourse but to displine my SS's, and this includes spanking if that is truly needed (though anymore they don't even feel it, so I gave that up) b/c I am not going to be disrespected nor held accouontable for their actions.

As a BM, I alone raise my son and I doubt I would allow another woman to do so. That's just me though and another story.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.

We have primary custody of ss so I do discipline. Sometimes I have to yell. I have never spanked.......ever. Bm hates me and I'm not going to give her any ammo to use against me. That's not to say that I would spank if she weren't in the picture. I think if that needed to be done, I would leave it up to Dh. So I usually take things away from ss if need be.
If you are responsible for a child, there has to be some form of discipline. Even for a babysitter or daycare. It could be time outs or whatever.

Dawn

As a BM first... I have talked to my ex's GF and told her because she is having issues with my son listening to her, I have told her you have to take a stance now with both of my children or they will run freely all over you. They will any kid will. As a SM I am struggling with discipline issues with SD who is 16 and feel I have no power, mostly because her mom calls about everything I say and do. That being said I am at the end of my "nice" rope and if I piss off my husband to damn bad, which I think for me is what I fear the most with him. I do not want to be the one to come in between there relationship but at the same time I am done being used, by BM and SD.. If I am good enough to take on all other parenting responsibilities then I am good enough to take on discipline at my home. What she does at her mom's house is her business, and could care less.
I would never touch her child unless of course they touched me first. But even then I don't think I would hit them, but I can tell you this I would press charges against them. Regardless! It would take one time of touching me and they would have charges pressed against them. And believe me that would be mighty big of me.. LOL..
I think we have rights too..

Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

No, I don't think it is our place to discipline step children. I am firm with my ss but he KNOWS that if he is rude to me in any way shape or form I will let his dad know. And I do. Usually all that I have to do is threaten to tell his father and he straightens up real quick. I am also a BIo mom. And in the event that my husband and I ever split and he remarried. I WOULD NOT be okay with that person hitting my child..... Not saying that you did anything wrong just my point of view from both standpoints

I really do understand what I visualize as having happened in your home regarding you lightly tapping yor step childs hand, so I definately know the difference between tapping and HITTING or SPANKING, neither of which you did. As a Bm and SM, so I obvioulsy have to share my own biological children with another household, as well as having 2 more into our shared home. I would never and I do mean never touch my step-children in any means except to seperate them if they were fighting each other. I personally feel that you would be walking into disaster. A mother is none more protective than she is with her child, so even as innocent as what you did it would be YOUR VERSION, THE CHILD'S VERSION AND THE TRUTH. Why even risk that? I EXPECT none the less for my bio kids to respect any adults authority and they are aware of this, they would be disciplined immediatley if they gave their father's girlfriend ANY attitude. BUT it is the known household rule for BIO Dads House and Bio Moms house, no one other than the actual BIO PARENTS will touch the children at all. Now this is a success with us because the actual biological parent STAYS on top of their biological child's DISCIPLINE. My step kids are not allowed to give me lip, attitude, snide remarks, flippant mouths, rolling eyes, dis-respect, or anything that any sane human being would consider RUDE, their father my husband would be all over them, so maybe this works for us because the OTHER parent handles the issue immediately so the child is so scared believe me they never even attempt to do whatever it was that they did again. My Bio's are 13 and 11 my steps are 13 and 11, I have been in their life for 3 years and maybe this is also what is helping us.

"Be there for the joy. Be there for the tears. Be there for each other."
(Step-Mom the Movie 1998)

can be different to everyone and it's a he said she said and no matter what we do as step parents we will be wrong... common things in our every day life are just not the same when we become step parents.

I do discipline my SS, but have never "spanked" him ... I have "swatted" him on the bottom when he was beginning to throw a temper tantrum in public. DH has spanked him for a horrendous temper tantrum. Never once have we heard back from BM. Guess we are lucky. If we did, I don't think she'd go to court first, but she'd bring it up.

SS said "uncle (mom's BF) hit me in the head." Now this man used to be DH's best friend - reason for divorce. DH has seen BF hit his own children in the back of the head, and has told BM that he will not tollerate that behavior from BF to son. Even though he knew it to be normal behavior for BF to his own children, we questioned SS to make sure it really happened and to know how it happened before saying anything to BM ... it didn't happen, but still ...

I guess you just go to court, say the truth, and go from there ... I am a firm believer in the fact that the truth always comes out.

~ Katrina

,

From what I know of most human beings (but children especially, because they are still developing ideas of right from wrong), they tend to test boundaries and misbehaviour is a normal part of this.

I think that the most honest advise I can give you, is do what you would naturally do, i.e. react the way you would if it was your biological child (I am of course presuming that we are all 'sane', 'non-abusive' people on this site).
I do not think that anymore can be demanded of you, just be yourself: the police have rightly said that YOU will be held responsible for their behaviour as they are in your care.

As for the BM, you can absolutely ignore her if you wish to as the only person you are answerable to is your partner, and so long as you agree on parenting technique (even if you disagree, as long as you can accept it), then that is WHAT the matters.
YOU control your home and those who reside in it, and they will learn this as long as you consistently convey this message.

In my experience, the more you ignore the BM and run your home the way YOU want, and the better you get this message across to your partner, then YOU will not be inconvinienced by the whole step-issues thing.
Do not let sentiment over-cloud your judgement, as it is a sign of GUILTY STEP-PARENT syndrome, where you are so aware that you anot the child's bio parent and you try to compensate by being 'too nice'.

Good luck...

Being the Real 'You' should Always be Good Enough

As in...it's hard enough as it is!
I have three SD's and the only one that listens to me is the 12 year old. The 8 and 4 year old do not listen to me. The younger two have a serious eating problem (post for a different time) and I can't get them to eat anything that wasn't deep fried!

All they do is sit on their butt watching Sponge Bob. Ugh! So aggrivating. Part of the problem is that my husband has like no custody. It took a long time for them to be able to come see us 1800 miles away from where they live! The BM is paranoid that he's going to kidnap them. Yeah...riiiight. I feel bad for these kids because they have no boundries. The younger two that is. The older one had a ton more rules than the younger two.

Silly rules they must follow:
No school bus riding
No spending the night at friends houses
Rarely do they have a friend over
They get to eat what ever they want
No after school activities ("It's too hot!")
If the oldest doesn't get straight A's, she's grounded that quarter!
So sports (too hot)

The BM is allowed to:
Keep them from calling us
Smokes like a chimmney
Only feeds them unhealthy food
Manipluates them all the time
Only reminds them of the bad things that happened around their BF

The BM also calls me names in front of the kids which is just sooo mature. "Fat ass" and "Stupid" were the two names she's called me. I have never called their mom a name to their faces. I get aggrivated and say "Well that's dumb" or "stupid" but I don't call her those things. I do call her paraniod though. She clearly is.

It's so frustrating that I'm not allowed to speak up. Well, I'm allowed to but it seems like all I do is nag on them and get angry. I don't want to be that person because I'm NOT that person. I'm a ton of fun to be around and only the oldest girls knows that because she's the only one I get along with! The other two know how to play their dad. He's starting to stand up to them though and it's about time.

We only get to see the girls on holidays (most every other) and he just wants to have fun with them - and so do I but when the 8 year old makes her BF sign a contract to eat what ever she wants?! I mean come on! She did NOT come up with that on her own. And by signing it - it strips away all of his parental rights to treat his daughter the way a father should. It's so out of hand!

/rant off

What exactly should we ask for when it comes to the skids respecting us? BF doesn't really feel comfortable discinpling because he feels guilty about the divorce. Not only that he struggles with not having them very often so he doesn't reinforce any rules. I would like to know what Respect we should expect from skids. Anyone?

Respect to me is not having them address you with the f-word like someone said. Or talking back or questioning your decisions or keep trying after you have already given your answer. Also not saying please or thank you is not respectful. Tone of voice, looks, mumbling, anything undermining to you is not respect. My SD claimed to not understand this concept but they absolutely do know exactly what it means.

I want to be treated like the drill sargent at Parris Island. Mam, yes mam! We always had to say Yes Ma'm and Yes Sir to my parents and I grew up fine and now that is how I like it too, but I don't think parents make their kids do that any more.

Most Evil

have rights. Not in a court of law, but as a responsible care taking adult. When I first came into SS's life when he was 2.5, I had no power whatsoever. It took me about a year to be able to have any say in the discipline of ss. According to "Step motherhood" by Cherie Burns, a really good read, it takes a year for most step parents to be able to discipline, and have the discipline be accepted by the Skids. That first year was kind of hell when ss was around, and it's a miracle of sorts that I didn't run screaming, and that I ever married my Dh.
One thing that DH said to me that stuck, and I guess sucked me in, was " don't let him scare you away with his behavior. thats what he tries to do with everyone. And it has worked up till now. you have to show no fear." Befor we got married, we also had some in depth talks about discipline. my DH was not really using any form of discipline when I came around, and that lil guy knew just how to work DH to get what he wanted. Dh has been working through his guilt, and now has a much better handle on the discipline.
If I'm the only one around, then I do what I have to if ss is in need of discipline. This usually includes a time out sitting on a chair, being sent to a nap, and only once I had to spank him. and we are talking over the clothes one tap on the butt. My DH is pretty good about discipline nowadays. He uses time outs, and spanking when he is really being bad, which is not often.
The funny thing about spanking is if you do it right, its a good thing. DH will have given him fair warning, but if necessary, one good tap of the butt is all it takes, and he will start really crying.I think this must be because ss knows how bad he is being. We have no idea what kind of discipline BM uses, since she refuses to discuss anything with us,and that is actually quite ok since when SS is with us, he knows its a different house, and the rules of our house are different then at his house. We put up a united front( for the most part) and even in normal families they say thats important to making discipline work. So there has to be some factors I think, for step discipline to work: support from your DH , patience and not being afraid to be the adult.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.-Erma Bombeck:

I think all the others have responded with the same things I would have said. A step parent MUST disciple (not abuse) their step children otherwise the step parent will not be respected or seen as a parental figure. I discipline my step child. I raise him, his mother rarely even sees him so she has no right to tell me how to raise a child that lives under my household 98% of the time. When SS is at his BM's house or at his grandmother's house there are practically no rules. He comes home forgetting his manners and how we've taught him to behave, but he quickly goes back to a well behaved child since his father and I raise him w/rules and boundaries. We have a lot of fun with him, but he will not run over us. He's only mouthed off to me once and he realized that the words he said to me shouldn't have come out of his mouth as he was speaking them. I have never laid a hand on him nor will I, but I will also not let an 8 yr old run over me. His BM would be more than happy to make false accusations so I will never spank him or even threaten to. If he misbehaves I will make him do several jump & jacks or push-ups though. BM has clearly stated that she doesn't want me disciplining her child, but she's not raising him, I am. My DH supports my decisions and knows that his son must respect me as well as him.

Brittany-your post was from awhile back, but if your friend's parents behave this way speak to a school teacher or counselor immediately. There is no excuse for parents to talk to you or your friend in that manner.

This is my first time as a SM and I do believe in punishment.
Although I am for spanking I do not spank my s-kids.Its just a really sticky situation.I do think that all children need discipline and structure.Every one has their own way of parenting but my best advice is when it comes to s-kids hands off. Be consistent with punishments and make sure they fit the rule that has been broken.You are a human being just as they are and everyone deserves respect!!The quicker you lay down the law the less resistance you will get.Also make sure that you and your husband are on the same pages with the punishments that always helps to keep the s-kids from at least pitting you 2 against eachother. Best of luck to you

My SD disrespects me in every way possible and BF almost condones it. He does nothing to dispell her attitude. There is no BM. She died when the skids were a year old. I've been around since they were 5. They're 16 now. Anyway, why is she allowed to walk all over me and disrespect me and I cannot do anything about it? Can't I call it mental abuse? She is basically abusing me and I can't even defend myself.