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Feeling under appreciated - am I causing my own anxiety?

try2beme's picture

So I'm still engaged and committed to making things "work" with my relationship and soon-to-be step-kids. There are days when I have my "not sure" moments, but that's another discussion.

I have had to work hard to embrace the idea of the SKIDS and the life changes involved when we have them weekends and holidays. Prior to the weekends that we have them, I always ask my fiance if anything has been planned for us to do as a family so that I can be available to participate. Also, I make an effort to suggest things for us to do. However, I feel like these efforts are wasted! We end up doing mundane things most of the time when we have the kids...because my fiance just can't plan anything and my ideas are met with a lukewarm reception! Another case in point, summer camp. I spent some time trying to find summer camps in our area that the kids could go to....that was a month ago, but my fiance has failed to enroll them in anything and summer is just around the corner.

With all that said, my fiance seems irritated if I plan to do things with friends during "kid" weekends. Also, I get accused of acting as though his kids are burden/not wanting to spend time with them as a family. At this point I get frustrated. If NOTHING is planned with the kids and they are just going to sit at home, I may as well enjoy MY weekend and meet with friends for lunch or coffee (I work my @ss off during the week). Then I get angry at the accusation of not being involved enough because my ideas don't apparently count for anything.

Should I just stop trying? It seems counterproductive when I'm trying hard to build a family to just not care anymore...but I'm at a loss.

It's these type of situations that make we wonder if taking the next step (getting married) is the right thing for me.

TinaKay's picture

I'd say you are not causing your own anxiety, your stepkids and the situation is causing anxiety.
yes, stop trying as your trying did no good....
start responsing differently and you may get a different outcome.
stop planning, stop trying to entertain them....
stop trying to build something when no one lese seems to want it.
Just learn to let things go and ride them out.
Take up a new hobby...
and entertian yourself. If they get bored, you can ask them to do your cleaning since they are bored. If they don't like it, too bad, go find something else to do somewhere else. Gaurd your privacy and act unlike you have been. Don't be a doormat or social director.
Be the queen and tell them what they can do for you !

try2beme's picture

I must be overcompensating and to make matters worse, I am indeed a "planner" or social director if you will. I suppose it irks me that HALF of MY weekends are not as enjoyable as they could be because nothing fun is planned with the kids. My fiance is always worried that the kids "won't like" XYZ activity (they are 10 and 13). I was raised where we went to parks and did things at the weekends other than sitting at home watching TV, so it bothers me to not be active. As a side note, when we don't have the kids we are rarely at home at the weekend, we go hiking a lot and go out with friends....so when I know it's a "kid" weekend I don't look forward to it.

I have a good group of friends and take dance classes regularly, so it's not hard to stay busy during kid weekends...but the caveat is that if I do my "own thing" then my fiance says I don't want to be with the family - which isn't true, I just don't want to be bored!

Serenity Now's picture

Talking to the skids about what they do on weekends with BM or what they might be intersted in doing? I'm sure if they suggest it then DF will be thrilled to give it a try! We play the Wii or go bowling or go to Dave and Busters with SD and she loves it! I can't imagine that the kids want to just hang around and do nothing either. Give it one more shot before shutting down. I know it's frustrating to work so hard and not get to enjoy your weekend but if you find something you all like to do, it would make things easier for everyone. Good luck!

Serenity Now's picture

Talking to the skids about what they do on weekends with BM or what they might be intersted in doing? I'm sure if they suggest it then DF will be thrilled to give it a try! We play the Wii or go bowling or go to Dave and Busters with SD and she loves it! I can't imagine that the kids want to just hang around and do nothing either. Give it one more shot before shutting down. I know it's frustrating to work so hard and not get to enjoy your weekend but if you find something you all like to do, it would make things easier for everyone. Good luck!

Serenity Now's picture

Talking to the skids about what they do on weekends with BM or what they might be intersted in doing? I'm sure if they suggest it then DF will be thrilled to give it a try! We play the Wii or go bowling or go to Dave and Busters with SD and she loves it! I can't imagine that the kids want to just hang around and do nothing either. Give it one more shot before shutting down. I know it's frustrating to work so hard and not get to enjoy your weekend but if you find something you all like to do, it would make things easier for everyone. Good luck!

try2beme's picture

Hey there....so I've just come back from a 4 hour lunch with one of my girlfriends . I had mentioned to my fiance yesterday, and this morning, that I was planning on taking SD to do something creative (painting pottery). SD seemed into the idea, I figured it would be fun for both of us. Then before my planned lunch with my friend, my fiance says he's going to take his kids to lunch and then to a movie. Of course I'm not going to object to him taking his kids somewhere...and I simply extended my lunch and had a great time.

However, I'm now home and the fiance is sitting in the other room reading a book and not talking to me! He's probably peeved at me having such a long lunch with my friend.....but ya know what? I DON'T FEEL AN OUNCE OF GUILT! I had planned to have lunch and then come back and take SD out so I can't be accused of not wanting to spend time with everyone. There is no way to blame me for anything; no logical way, anyway.

stepmom2one's picture

I come up with ideas of things we can do EVERY weekend (we have BS2 24/7, SD EOW). He may say yes, usually no. He just sits on the couch reading and watching movies ALL DAY by himself (on the weekends)! Me and the kids are bored so I sit by him and suggest something--lets take the kids to the park, Chuckee Cheeses etc. he says "no" then my SD9 says "thats ok you just take us SM" when I really wanted it to be family thing. Sometimes I just take them sometimes I don't. It is really frustrating.

And when the kids don't get out of the house they get crabby and pick at each other. Then H starts yelling at them!! If he would just get up and do something they wouldn't fight.

And like in your situation, I am yelled at or forced to stay home just becuz he doesn't want to do anything. My sister called and asked if I could go to dinner with her--my H said no! I had to stay home becuz he does not get to do anything! He had/has every oppurtunity to. I make suggestions for him to get out by himself--he refuses. But then I can't go any where either. So all four of us sat home bored...watching some dumb movie nobody liked but him.

My H actually had the nerve to tell me yesterday that I could not go to my Fathers b-day party!! I said I was taking BS2 but not SD since he wasn't coming and SD fights with all the other kids. So my H says "well then no one is going--you take them both"

yeah right! I left with BS, he just wanted me to take both kids so he could watch movies and read in peace. Why I wonder since that is all he did all day (from 8ish till 330pm!!).

Sorry I got off on a rant but I know exactly what you are going through. Believe me it doesn't get any better after you get married.

stepmom2one's picture

but that is my H. He often tells me I can't go somewhere or take the kids somewhere. Just yesterday (before the fight) I said I thought that I would take the kids to the St. Pats Day parade. he said " no you're not. You are not driving down there and wasting your time getting set up for a half hour parade." I thought the kids would have fun...

Sometimes I listen to him sometimes I don't. When he told me I could not go to my fathers party unless I took HIS daughter with too I just said "how dare you tell me I cannot go to my fathers party!!" And slammed the door. I swear he thinks I am one of the kids!