New Wife and Stepparent and I need advice
I am a new stepparent and wife of less than a year. My husband shares equal custody with the BM. Week on and week off. Lately I feel that I have really been taken advantage of by my husband as well as one of the children. My husband does not consistently discipline the kids. The child that I am having issues with is very sweet but does and gets whatever she wants. Her room is like nothing most people have ever seen. When asked to clean up her room she just moves things around but does not clean it. Her grades came back last Thursday and she had several A's and B's and a C+, C-, D and F. When asked if she has homework she states no. She does not study for tests. I suggested to my husband that we call and set up an appt. with her teachers to discuss her progress and what we could do to help on the week we have her. He said, she has more than one teacher and didn't agree that we should. She was not disciplined for her grades in fact she was allowed to have a friend spend the night. My husband then got upset with me because I was upset that she just comes home and does whatever she wants and does not help at all around the house. She doesn't put her dishes in the dishwasher without being asked and she is 12.
I could go on and on but should probably stop here. I also am upset because I went on our harddrive that is hooked to our TV. I found pictures of his ex-wife and when I asked him about it he said he was saving them for the kids. What? I suggested putting them on a disc for them later and deleting them. He thinks I am overreacting to everything. I asked him to put himself in my shoes. It is a huge adjustment not just for them but for me as well. I moved to his hometown, in his house and became a stepparent.
Please give me some advice. I don't want to end up loosing the best guy I have ever known.
New to this
I am new to this too - married my wonderful husband in Sept 07. He has shared parenting arrangement with his ex too so his 2 girls (5 &
are with us for half the time. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and I have already brought up my own 4 children! His ex has a whole list of rules that I have to stick to which include not brushing
girls hair or reading them bedtime stories! If she doean't get her own way she threatens to move 300 miles away to where her family live and as their parenting arrangement is just an agreement and hasn't been through the courts she can do this. I won't push things as all my family live near me and I don't want to move and he won't push things as he is afraid of losing what he has if it goes to court. I feel I am in a nightmare and have had counselling to try and deal with things. I don't know if I have any advice but I guess like you I am new to this and just hoping it will all get easier!
Amen! It is by far the
Amen! It is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't have to deal with the rules that you have and that has to be difficult. I am hoping it gets easier, too. Thanks for making me feel I am not alone.
don't let her get away with it!
I just wanted to let you know in that you should look into the courts in your area because in mine there is a free service that help parents and their rights. If you go they can help your husband start an order will let him make payments for court fees and will not let her move out of town untill the order is complete....and if you have them as much as u say you do she will never be able to move with out a crazy good reason....
I can totally understand how
I can totally understand how you feel. I'm in the same situation, I married a man with an 11 year old son. The situation was like this.... I met my husband when his son was living with the mother, and only visit once every fortnight in the weekends. He has assured me that this will never change and I have accepted that... after all, I love my husband. But towards the end of last year, the son and his mother moved to the islands. And in Jan 09, the son came back to NZ and stayed with us full time. I find this very frustrating and can feel the stress now. As I recall, my husband had never discuss this issue with me. Until the moment before the plane landed. I work full time in a very stressful and demanding environment, since the son lives with us, I noticed that we don't have time as a couple anymore. We haven't been out for dinner, haven't done anything that normal newly wed couples do. I feel bitchy at times and feel really guilty at times for being inconsiderate. But I've tried. I was the only child living at home before I get married and never had to deal with young children. Prior to getting married, I lived a carefree life and did dancing and everything that I enjoyed. Even after we get married, we still have time to be together, socialising and do my dancing. For the past month or two, I have literarily stop my social events, stopped going to dance classes/functions, stopped socialising with friends and missed out on dinner parties. I have to stay at home to look after the son while he's out working at night (he's a part time musician) I find it very frustrating to have someone talking about playstation games all the time, not even my slightest interest. My husband failed to notice the frustration and my stress. He simply called me inconsiderate.
Please help because I think I'm going out of mind. And i'm starting to not enjoy my daily life at all, getting frustrated easily, exhausted and tearful most of the time.
Get a babysitter!
I would get a babysitter and go out with your friends and have fun! And make your husband pay for it -- it's his kid not yours!!!!!!!
I know how you feel about the pictures of the ex...
My DH too has/had photos of BM and her family on his computer and at work. I even found a wedding photo with his family! When I asked why he still had these photos his response was his kid was in thoses photos too and he was not going to throw them out. Well we have like hundreds of photos of "JR" so there was no reason to keep them. So rather than made a stink about it I have slowing made them "disappear" thru the yrs and DH never noticed. Call it sneaky call it what ever you want but I will be dammed if DH has photos of BM regardless of who is in the photo with her.
Now, I don't feel so bad. I
Now, I don't feel so bad. I thought about doing that and think now I will. Slowly but surely. I was thinking I was horrible for feeling this way but you have made me feel better. From what you described my husband has said almost the exact same words. Thank you for your reply.
This has been a hottly
This has been a hottly debated subject on this site quite a few times. Some people feel its just outright wrong to throw away someone else's momentos, others think its no big deal. I got lucky & my DH went through his pics & threw out all the ones with BM in them, no matter who else was in them, and all I had to do was ask why he had them still (they were in a box in the garage & we were cleaning it out) He said BM could give SS the pics of SS & herself and he could him pics of him & SS and neither of us see any reason DH should give SS photos of BM. And he didn't feel the need to keep any of them together. There weren't many happy times in their 2 1/2 yr marriage so luckily there weren't many photos of them together anyway (I could literally count on two hands how many we came across when going through the box) Either way, its a very personal decision so I think you should probably just do what you suggested to him, burn them to a disc, store it away in a box and delete them from the hard drive. Everyone wins. But don't just delete them without saving them to a disc! Just my opinion, to avoid a fight
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
Agreed
I agree with burning them to a disk. My best friend is going through a divorce BF is a nightmare, but she recognizes that their daughter will someday want to see pictures of the wedding or pictures of the day she was born etc. So, anything that has BF in it, she has put in a box and has it stored at her mother and father's house. She said she holds no sentimental value to any photo that contains him, but she knows her daughter will.
I was lucky, last year BM decided to give DH a photo album for his birthday -- she had been trying to split us up before we got married. The photo album contained a lot of photos of them as a family. (And please keep in mind I did not split this marriage up -- I met him 2 years after their divorce AND she left him for a woman.)
Anyway, she should have known he's not a sentimental type person LOL. He looked through it and said, "Why the H**L did she put pictures in here with her?!?!?" I started laughing and explained it was a way to try and make him take her back (She was having financial problems and wanted his pay check again -- we go through this cycle about every 4 months!)
Anyway, he rolled his eyes, took out the pictures of her and threw them away
I've been trying really hard to document times and activities that we do with skids. That way when they are older they will be able to look back at things we did with them. It's also turned into something that they like to look through about once a month. BM tries to convince them that she's the only one who does anything with them. In reality, she does nothing with them. She's too busy going to her drug addict meetings!
Welcome!
Well Sad-it is a LONG haul ahead if you have read some of the posts here.
I think integrating a family is one of the hardest tasks a person can do!
I too had a hard time adjusting-I have been married since April 2008-and for a wedding present we got DH's SS16 dumped on our doorstep full time-
SS was parented by one parent one week and the other parent the other week until then-
No discipline-chores-regular parenting because everyone "felt sorry" for him and did not want him to "suffer" any more-
Funny thing is -when you parent that way-life tends to teach your kids the hard way and these parents are too busy pitying their children to see that.
Read some of the old posts-post yourself-take care of yourself and take it one day at a time!
Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!
Thank you for the advice. I
Thank you for the advice. I will review some of the old posts. I know there is no miracle for this and it is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. I thank you again for the advice and welecome!
I Know The Feeling
I have been married to my husband since May of 08. His parents still have his ex wedding photos on the walls in their home!
As far as the kids go we have the same visitation arrangement with his children. They are generally good kids but have behaviors that I do not approve of and am not use to because I did not allow my daughter to behave in such a manner. My husband has a hard time addressing these issues also. I think that Dad tries to make up for the fact that his daughters are closer to their mother as a matter of biology.
OMG, I cannot imagine how
OMG, I cannot imagine how you feel with having your ex and their photos available. That is just rude!!! Why can't they put them in an album for the kids and support their current daughter in law and son?
CrystalRE how do you deal with behaviors that you wouldn't allow for your daughter? Give me advice!!! Or how to cope:-)
Its Hard!
It is has been very difficult for me. I started by voicing my opinion. Telling the kids what behaviors would not be allowed in our home and why. This led me to being the wicked step-mother of course. BM started calling my husband and telling him that the kids say that I am being mean to them and she even went as far as to come into my home and accuse me of treating her children unfairly! That, of course, was the exact opposite of what I was doing. I have my child in the home fulltime also. It is not asking to much to expect all of the children to follow the same rules. The children picked up on BM's attitude and soon started calling me mean everytime I would discipline them.
I backed off for a while after all of that took place but it caused a HUGE riff between my husband and I. He didnt feel that I was involving myself enough with the kids and I was upset with him for not standing up to the kids and BM. I finally decided that it is my home too and I have a right to expect certain things in my home! BM still hates me but I think she always has and always will so Im not too worried. The kids respond to my discipline a lot better now though sometimes you can tell that they dont particularly care for my decisions.
The main problem with my husband and I now stems from the fact that to take the focus off of his children, he picks on mine regularly. He STILL hardly disciplines his children, he is getting better, but disciplines my daughter for looking at him wrong. That is an issue that we are trying to work out and hopefully will get there sooner or later! Wonder what will be next
Hope this helped!
Yes, it did help! I know it
Yes, it did help! I know it is a slow process but you are right in that it is your home too and it is fair to expect things. I think that is where step parenting is such a challenge. To explain to my husband that the things that you do or do not do as well as the kids impacts me as well and as an adult in the household it is O.K. to set expectations for the kids.
I hope your husband continues to get better at disciplining his kids. The guilt factor seems to come into play as well as worrying about whether the kids will want to live with the BM especially if there are few expectations at her home and she trys to manipulate them.
Thanks again.
All too familiar
DH totally stunk at disciplining the kids! But I stood my ground before we were every married. I stated this is MY HOUSE, and when they are in MY HOUSE they will go by MY RULES! It took over a year but it's finally taken effect. BM accused me of being mean and blah blah blah, but I told her the same thing that I told the kids, "when you pay my mortgage, all the bills, and the upkeep, you can have an input on the rules, until then you need to keep your opinions to yourself!" The oldest skid picked up on this and tried to run with "my mom thinks...and my mom does..." To which I said, "that's great, when you are at her house those are your rules, when you are at this house, you are expected to follow our rules."
DH now backs me 100% whether he completely agrees or not. And now we have 3 kids that we can take out in public and not have to worry about how they will behave or embarrass us. At home the oldest one has stopped punching and hitting the little ones. The little ones no longer throw horrid temper-tantrums, whine, or smack me anymore. They have also stopped calling each other and my DH and I bad names.
Now, here's the thing, she lets her nasty, greasy, putrid girlfriend beat oldest SS with a wooden spoon, but gets mad at me for putting the little ones in time out (I use the 1 minute for every year they are in age. So the youngest just went up to 4 minutes) In the last 3 months the little ones have only been in time-out 1 time each! Then if they did something mean to someone else, they have to do something nice for that person.
The oldest skid, is a bit of a challenge! But here's what I do that is so mean...
The last time this 180lb kid punched his 4 year old sister, he got a lecture from me -- I was FURIOUS!!!!!!!! Then after the lecture that explained how he could permanently hurt her, he had to clean his dad's bathroom (which I had just cleaned the day before, so it wasn't even slightly dirty -- but he didn't know that LOL). He argued with me, so that earned him an additional chore; he had to clean out the cat box -- he was given rubber gloves. He argued again and said more mean and hateful things, so he had to do the dishes after dinner. I told him if he kept arguing, I was going to have the cleanest house on the block
He did the whole, I hate you, you're not my mom, blah blah blah. I just looked at him calmly and said, "You don't have to love me, you don't have to like me, and you can hate me if you want. Regardless you are expected to follow the rules and be respectful to every person in this house. How much you enjoy your time here is totally up to you! But if you are abusive, verbally or physically to anyone in this house, you will be punished."
Since the last blow-out, he's really behaved himself. I was also told, "You're the best step-mom in the world!" I almost fell over LOL! I honestly don't care if he loves me or not. My job is not to be his best friend, but I do feel responsible to try and prepare him for life. This child was failing school and now does not have anything less than a B. He is no longer getting in trouble for being rude to the teacher and hitting other children.
Of course BM takes credit for this LOL. (I asked if SS if BM helped him with homework and he says no, she's too busy going to her AA meetings.) Her idea of punishing him is to let him make his own punishments. He will ALWAYS choose time-out! He hates to do anything except sit on his butt, and could care less about a time-out -- he just goes to sleep. (I know this b/c BM asked me to use her form of punishment with SS. I tried it a few times and realized it wasn't the slightest bit effective and realized that BM was even more retarded than I originally thought LOL)
Good grief!
OK, your DH needs to request that his parents take down those photos! That is rude and disrespectful to you!!!!! They can put them in a box and save them for your skids, but seriously!!!
Maybe he could offer to replace them with YOUR wedding photos, or get a family photo taken with you and the skids.
If my parents were pulling a stunt like that, I would just go to their house laugh and say, "OK, these photos are so outdated that it's not funny, time to move into a new era!" Then I would take the photos down and replace them with the new photos!
I realize that since this is your in-laws you can't do that, but your husband can!
How does he feel about his parents leaving those photos up?
Does anyone know a blended
Does anyone know a blended family that does not have these types of problems? I'm not trying to be sarcastic, just wanting to know what works for them. I don't buy the one post about letting husband sleep on x's couch. I'd like to see what happens there in the long run.
I would say my sister and
I would say my sister and her family have been pretty successful, but they do deal with a nasty BM. They live 4 hrs from her and they feel they pay too much in cs, which is her main problem. They get the 2 boys every other weekend, but from what I've seen, my sister is the main discipliarian for all the kids. The SSs are good kids so they listen, but they are a little sarcastic so if she's not in the mood for it she will be a hard ass with them. For the most part though her husband backs her up, but occasionally they fight over the way she's handled something with his kids. But she's happy, he's happy and generally the kids are happy. They do not speak to BM about anything except arranging visits. Everything else is "what happens in our home stays in our home", and they stress that to the kids as well. They've been together 7 years so far
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
NONE
There is always a problem. It is the kids, guilt parenting, PAS or to much or little CS paid.
But man I have to say I am so sick of hear "deadbeat dad". ALL the BFs I know pay support AND have to fight to no end just to visit their kids on the weekends. It is sad that most BMs are so selfish and money hungry.
As far as the pictures go, my H has pictures of the 3 yrs he was with BM (the just dated). But we keep them in the storage room, granted I did bury them away on purpose. I don't want to see them, I don't want them out BUT I will not throw them away. We keep them for SD, I told her when she is 18 and moves out (my H agrees she has to move out then) I will give them to her.
They will always be the victim
Its a hard game. I think SKIDS always play the victims and this ends up effecting every facet of their lives. They suck at their grades, they don't clean their rooms, they basically do not care at all. Yes it is a long haul, and it is how you manage you household during this process. Set boundaries for yourself and you and your DH have to get on the same page. If you work to compromise and get on the same page upfront it wil save you a lot of headache in the future. Welcome to the site, good luck!
Hi and thank you for your
Hi and thank you for your advice. I think I need to do exactly that in setting boundaries and getting on the same page. Any suggestions as to how to approach him and do that as right now he is so defensive and thinks I cannot be happy I am always mad at him about something. It has been in the past week and when I look back I didn't set any boundaries for me or them and we were definitely not on the same page. Thanks again.
Setting boundries
I guess that I would tell him that being in this relationship means we share everything, and that we have to be strong for our family8 to be strong. Tell him you want to work on making the whole household stronger, however you need his help in this. Give the kids somethinig, that they want, but on your terms and make a specific situation work, to show him that you are on his side, and then go from there. It worked for me, it won't happen automatically and you have to be willing tokeep working at it.
its a phase
To some extent this behavior is a phase. My own BD13 is the same way. Her bedroom is disgraceful. I cleaned it a couple of weeks ago cause I could no longer stand the site of it and it took me all night and 3 larger black trash bags. NASTY!! BD13 claims she has not homework but our district has an online page we can go to and check grades and assignments so we know daily what is what. BD13 lies and sasses and such and her hormones are crazy. She has been grounded most of the school year but it has not really done anything. The child failed gym - how do you do that? BD13 has both her parents in the house but she still does what she wants. I hate puberty!
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head puberty. And a bad case of the guilts. Thank you for letting me know even with both her parents in the house it can still be a challenge. I need to be reminded of that!
Hi, Sad...
First of all, welcome!
Second of all... we all understand what you're going through, and I'm so glad you found us. It's so nice to have support from people who won't judge you because they know what it's like.
My DH and I have been married for one year (February 13!), and let me tell you that this has been the hardest year of my life. The first couple years in a marriage are difficult to begin with, but then you add in your husband's children from a previous relationship... and it makes the whole thing BEYOND difficult.
My DH tells me that when Blabb (SD8) comes over for her EOW visitation, she's on vacation. She doesn't have to do chores or anything. Now, it's not like I expect her to vaccuum, wash dishes, scrub the toillet, clean the windows, etc. All I expect from Blabb is to pick up after herself and to keep her room nice and tidy. But, according to DH, that's way too much to expect of her! She needs a break, and so when she comes over to MY house, she has the right to lay around and relax. This does not fly with me, and it's a constant battle with DH. So you are definitely not alone on this.
As for the pictures, I don't think you're overreacting. How many times have I heard my husband tell me that? Anyway, I would tell him to put those pictures on a disc for the skids... or to have them printed out and then delete them, otherwise you will delete them yourself. You're the wife now, and skids or not, it's time for DH to move on.
Thank you for the warm
Thank you for the warm welcome. I am so glad that I found all of you!! I don't have any friends or family that are divorced and remarried so it is difficult to talk with a friend married to the same person for 17 years and have them try to understand and give advice in a situation they have never been exposed to.
After I wrote my initial e-mail this morning he came down stairs to go to work and removed the hard drive and took it to work with him. I have no way of knowing if he will delete the pictures and I am truly frustrated because he stated he couldn't stand his ex-wife but for some reason keeps all the photos and can't understand why I would be so insecure and needy. Not the case I just think why wouldn't he want to move on and if he knew that it truly upset me do something about it.
I wish there was some way to stress to divorced parents that they are not doing their kids nor their new spouses any favors by not having some expectations of them.
This is so much harder than I thought it would be as I really thought he loved and respected me and would want my happiness as well. I was totally naive (sp?) as to the bond my husband has with his kids and the guilt of his divorce and how it would impact our everyday lives and our marriage.
welcome to our club
of hindsight is 20/20.
You are among your own kind here SAD.
"This is so much harder than I thought it would be as I really thought he loved and respected me and would want my happiness as well. I was totally naive (sp?) as to the bond my husband has with his kids and the guilt of his divorce and how it would impact our everyday lives and our marriage"
how many times we have all said this.
we struggle with this on a daily basis, that is why we are here for each other.
welcome.
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
I cannot tell you how much I
I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the understanding and support. I should have done this months ago!!! I look forward to everyone's insight, experience
and support.
Hi Arianna, thank you! I so
Hi Arianna, thank you! I so need this.
Why
do you think he took the hard drive with him to work? I am with you on all of your concerns - have experienced them for 6 years now. As far as the pictures, and taking the hard drive, there is no justifiable reason for this. In my experience, I have never had access to his computer or phone, email addresses, etc. Silly me for just letting that go. There's a reason for that and I'm sure it's not a good one. Regarding the pictures, I've done the same thing as Sarah, over the years, just slowly getting rid of them. Aside from whatever may be on his computer, again that I don't have access to.
I don't know if he took it
I don't know if he took it with him to keep it away from me or if he plans on removing the pictures. What do you think? I don't know if I should bring it up again trying to explain how it makes me feel and that I would think he would want to move on or if he would view this as another reason for me to "argue" with him and call me needy and insecure. The way he justified that he was keeping them for the kids seems strange considering that their BM is alive and well and they are with her every other week.
When I am trying to explain my feelings to him he automatically thinks I am insecure and needy and I feel as though I am the crazy one when I know I am not. I know my feelings are justified as they are my feelings. Ugh!
You are not
crazy and your feelings are justified. Mine says the same things to me - that i am insecure and need attention, among other things. It's not fair, and you are right - your feelings are your feelings, so they are justified.
I hadn't thought of the idea that he may have taken it to remove the pics (as you see, I automatically go for the worst possibility now). I hope that is why he took it. If not, just remove the pictures yourself, put them on a cd, and tell him to either give it to his ex, get rid of it, or put it in the back of the closet. It's your home, you should feel comfortable in it.
By the way I am new to this site as well, and it is very comforting to know that I'm not crazy
Wow, you said something that
Wow, you said something that is very basic but totally makes sense it is suppose to be my home too and I should feel comfortable in it! So true, why is it that when issues arise it is hard to respond with the most resonable response instead of an emotional one. I have to work on this!!
I automatically think of the worst as well he doesn't want to remove them therefore took the harddrive to the office so I could not remove them and he could keep them. Now what?
Yep
It's your house and you have every right to be comfortable in it. It should be your retreat. BUT I know what you're saying about not being able to respond with reason and instead of emotion - it is my BIGGEST fault!!!
So - did he bring the hard drive home tonight? Is it both of yours and you have access to it? If so, see if the pics are there - if not, great. If he didn't bring it home, tell him you want it in the house if it's yours too. If he did and the pics are still on it, download them to a cd and tell him he can give them to the mom or put them in storage. Either way - they don't need to be in your general living area where you have to either know they're there or look at them.
I need to work on the reason
I need to work on the reason instead of emotion when responding to things. I think I start out O.K. then based on his reaction that is when it all changes if it isn't the reaction I think it should be.
He didn't bring it home. I asked him this morning what his intent was by taking the hard drive to the office and he said he was going to go through and remove the pics and burn them to a disc for the kids. So, how long do I wait to ask? The hard drive is tiny but he bought it to down load things from his computer to increase the memory and speed. I didn't really look at it as both of ours although when he plugged it into the TV he showed me how to access it. He's also offerred me the use of it to back up my files. So, is it both of ours? I am trying to figure out do I wait a day and ask or a week?
Ahhh you took my statement...
Again this is the hardest thing I have ever done!
Welcome and head up young person!!!
Hi StepG, thank you for the
Hi StepG, thank you for the welcome. I do not have any biological kids of my own so I often wonder too if I did would I handle things better. My Husband seems to think so and mentions this occasionally. I am trying to keep my head up and you reminding me of that helps. I do not want to be a victim I want to have a wonderful life with my husband and Skids. They are the best things that have happened in my life as well I just never anticipated the different feelings and challenges I would have.
Since he took the harddrive to his office I will have no way of knowing unless I ask him, if he actually burned the pics to a disc and deleted them or not and is just being stubborn.
I am so glad I found you all!!!
Wow!
I feel so much better after reading this stuff! Now I know that other men do keep a picture or two, they do take their kids' side a lot of the time, step-kids are a pain......it's not just me!
It's not just you. And I am
It's not just you. And I am going through the same as you are this is probably one of the best things that has happened to me in the last six months!!!
SAD
Hey SAD, Take an 8x10 of your XH or XBF, frame it and set it up in your living room. When he asks why you can say for the same reason that you got the others. They usually dont learn anything unless you get rough with them.
Sparky, I had to laugh out
Sparky, I had to laugh out loud at this one. Do men really require that? I am thinking so at this point or he is just being lazy.
Welcome Sad!
Photos of the BM, boy can I relate to that. There is only 1 photo BF has of the BM now and that is only because the photo has BF grandfather in it who is no longer alive and is the only photo he has of him. It's not displayed in a frame but it is put away.
As for your DH saying that he is saving these photos for the skids, the BM is obviously still alive since it's equal custody, so why can't the skids get photos of their mother from their mother. Sorry to say, but it doesn't sound right to me, especially if he wont at least save them on a disc as you've asked.
I understand the taken advantage of, I think alot of step parents feel that way at some stage or another.
You guys should be in your honeymoon period still, you've only been married less than a year.
Have you actually sat down and spoken to your H about how you are feeling?
Dani1081 that is my
Dani1081 that is my question? Why can't he save them to a disc and provide them to the kids. It doesn't sound right to me. Is he not over her or just stuborn, or wants to show later his first wife to friends? How do I deal with this?
We should be in our honeymoon period and I am so scared it is over and never really happened.
He is well educated and offers as much opportunity as possible to his kids when we are traveling so that they do not think it is O.K. to grow up in a small poverty stricken town and not leave or want better for themselves. I have not sat down with him as every time I have I have been so upset and not approached the situation right as I will have a drink or two as I need the courage and then over react or if I don't I give in to his irrationality. Bad, uh? Alcohol is not helping us and that is what I am turning to which does not help matters.
Try writting a letter.
Alcohol is definatly the wrong way to handle this situation. What I have done in the past is written a letter or an e-mail to BF. At least this way you can review what you want to say before you give it to him, you can think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. At least this way he knows how you really feel.
I hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you hun.
)))HUGS(((
Good advice. Thank you, I
Good advice. Thank you, I will try this.
Well...alcohol helps some of us ( ;) )
But only as a recreational relaxation device (especially at our little retreats we started having this past year). It's definitely not a good tool for serious discussion.
If I could do ONE thing differently, it would be to get whole family counseling for blended issues early on. Everyone goes into this (well "everyone" is an absolute so I'll say "nearly everyone that I have met") with the feeling that we can do this on our own without professional help. That love will work everything out. But there are so many pitfalls, as well as exponential layers of dysfunction just in the act of blending itself.
So I would suggest a family counselor to help you talk to your H about your feelings, in a way that is healthy and non-threatening to both of you.
There are some good counselors out there if you ask around.
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
That is great advice and we
That is great advice and we are seeing one it has just been a long time 8 weeks between our last session and the one next week. It did help us so much early on I just think we need to continue and not have as much time inbetween.
Thanks again,
SAD Dani is right
Alcohol is the wrong way. It's what I've turned to over the past year. At least 2 glasses of wine every night. It makes you gain weight and not feel as good about yourself, it makes you overly emotional, and worst of all, it makes you hide away emotionally, mentally, and physically. Take it from me, you need to deal with your issues head on, and without influence.
Juniper you are right. I
Juniper you are right. I have been doing that and it is not working! Time to face things without influence.
strength
you are not asking for anything outrageous - you are asking that your feelings be considered.
He may not understand how you feel or why you feel the way you do, but he should respect it.
I say write a letter like my other smart ST friend said.
read from it - and ask him to not respond till you are done. NO DRINKING at least not till afterwards lol
stay strong girl you have rights too!
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."
The letter idea is great and
The letter idea is great and will help me stay on track. I am trying to explain to him exactly what you stated that he may not understand why I feel the way I do but he should respect my feelings.
I have to remind myself that I have rights, too. I seem to have allowed that to fall by the wayside since we got married. Hopefully, he will respond in a positive way, and there may be times we agree to disagree and that is O.K. but we need to respect one another.
Thanks again for your support!
I would let the pictures go for now...
and focus on the daughter's issues.
Unless he brings back the drive with the photos still there, let it go. He will just be stubborn about it so if you drop it, then his ego won't prevent him from doing what you asked. JMHO.
SD's issues are more serious and since you have a counseling appointment, perhaps discuss rules and boundaries for your house? Surely he wants her to do well and not end up on drugs or pregnant. He is not doing her any favors by rewarding lazy behavior. Have the counselor help him see that. Also balance it with your ideas for fun family activities. Being in the role of bad cop isn't fun. Many on here have disengaged on SK issues and let DH take the consequences of their actions.
Take care of yourself, too--give yourself a chance to think through how you want things to be and then state your expectations with calmness. And have follow-through. The last thing you need is to become the unpaid slave or the nag.
I was lucky--my teen SKs didn't live with us. I went through the crazies over BM's and their garbage though--they went downhill fast without DH around (drug, school trouble, car accidents, fights and pregnancy). But he quickly got out of guilt parent mode and that worked. He had been the one who raised them (BM is the laziest thing on the planet) so he put their bad decisions back in their court. "That's not how I raised you." Now they're shaping up, after BM reaped a harvest of her "friendship" parenting.
I raised two daughters who both graduated from college and I went through a divorce, etc., so this guilt parenting thing is BS. I always had expectations for how my house would operate and what they were responsible for. And I'm actually a very easygoing parent.
It ain't that hard.
Best to you, and you have found a great place. It feels good to know that you are not alone!
Hi Lizzie, thank you for the
Hi Lizzie, thank you for the advice and sharing your experience with me! This just further reinforces my feelings and approaching things with a level head is good. As you stated you are easygoing and I think I am too. I just have to work with my husband to help him see that it isn't helping SD at all to guilt parent.
Thanks again.
For the kids
Our motto is "always for the kids and nothing for ourselves." If you and your husband can do that, you will always be doing the best you can with the best of intentions- even if it doesn't work out that way.
It's hard because it sounds like you have different parenting styles. I think when it comes to grades and discipline, you really have to let the parent do what they think is best and detach yourself from it. You can certainly voice your opinion, but know it's not always going to go the way you think it should. You have to let the biological parents do what they think is best- the responsibility is on them.
However, when it comes to helping in your house...you are certainly not expected to take care of and pick up after children that can do for themselves. Talk to your husband and tell him you respect what he does with his children, but in your house, you expect them to take care of their rooms, dishes, and maybe help with a chore or two.
If your husband doesn't see how that impacts you, then you may need to discuss further the differences you have and how to resolve them.
Let the pictures go. That's the kids' mom and it's okay to have them around. You have to trust in your husband. Maybe move them to a file to keep them out of sight- out of mind.
"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother."