I'd like to agree with most of what the people who are urging you to run are saying, especially Crayon about "Let's stamp out guilt parenting in our life time by NOT rewarding it with a passionate, understanding LONG SUFFERING, WILLING TO PLAY 2ND FIDDLE TO THE BM AND SKIDS, stepmom."

I say this as someone who married my husband abour 9 months ago. I do not regret it, and would do it again in a heartbeat, despite all the incredible frustration and aggravation the BM has been doing her best to heap on us since literally the day we came back from our honeymoon (and before that, too, but she really kicked into overdrive when we got married).

The reason I WOULD do it again is that my husband was incredibly open and receptive to my thoughts and needs when we first got serious. Luckily, he respects me and doesn't try to second-guess my motives, which has encouraged me to be honest and enabled me to keep the well-being of everyone concerned at the fore. That said:

You ABSOLUTELY must not play second fiddle to the BM and stepkids. That doesn't mean that you have to be a selfish bitch about it, but the marriage (and your relationship to SKids) will not work unless your husband puts your marriage first. If the BM or the stepkids sense that you are an add-on or an afterthought, you'll never really integrate yourself into the new family consisting of you, your husband, and your stepkids. My husband heard me when I said I would not be the co-wife, or the lady in waiting, subservient to his ex's desires, freak-outs, power plays, etc. The result has been that I get along famously with both stepkids. Unfortunately, BM (who is severely bipolar and a complete control freak) hates me and is convinced I have ruined her fantastic relationship with my husband -- everything was apparently peachy before I came on the scene (Hmmm... one wonders why they got divorced if everything was so great, but never mind...). Our family (me, husband, stepkids) is solid, and we don't worry what happens outside of that.

The fact that you recognize your BF is guilt parenting is a HUGE red flag. If he is doing that now, it will only get worse once the BM kicks it into high gear trying harder to guilt him into things the more serious the two of you get. If he doesn't have that perspective and the realization that he isn't doing his kids any favors by being a doormat, you will never have any peace. Talk to him about it rationally and calmly, then talk to him about it again, give it a couple of weeks, and if you don't see HUGE improvement, RUN LIKE HELL. Seriously.

WE as steps have to accept this and make sacrifices, one might even say that the skids or BM or whatever ur issues in a blended family are are the "price u have to pay" to be w DH. tell me please....what price do the DHs PAY to be w us???? why are WE the ones who have to pay???? dealing w a hateful BM who has lied and accused me of abuse and harrassed us and so on and so forth is the price i have to pay to be w the man i love????

im not saying that im the greatest women ever, i have my faults, but so does DH aside from all this baggage, u know? obviously, i think its worth it, but sometime sit just gets to me i guess...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

He really needs to put a stop to this now, whether you exist or not, its not healthy for the child. A kid needs to learn to fall asleep on their own to form good sleeping habits. Ask any professional. If he doesn't stop this behavior now, she will be in his bed until she's 7 or 8 years old! NOT GOOD! aand FYI, I hear SDs are the worst! SS can be bad, but the daughters can really cause hell.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

Very good point Crayon-

I thought -GREAT with the custody hearing we got as Wacko BM basically fell off the face of the earth when DH was awarded full custody-

THEN the crap hit the fan when I finally saw that

DH is "Doting Daddykins"

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

I know this may sound like the answer to your prayers, but I honestly don't think it will be. Obviously, I do not know your story, but from what you've said, it sounds BAD. I would not encourage your husband to give up his child, thats just not right. And he will end up resenting you if you had any part in convincing him to do it. I think any child who's parents give them up if going to be severly hurt and damaged. This just sounds so sad to me.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

I agree with CrystalRE: a casual relationship is one thing, but the BM may very well go ballistic if and when you get engaged. That happened to me. Every step closer to marriage we got, (moving in together, engagement), BM got a little more hysterical and tried even crazier things to bully DH into choosing her over me. She even completely freaked out when she found out that not only was he not going to have her as his "best man" (WTF????), but he was not going to invite her to the wedding, given her past behavior and the potential that she would cause a scene and/or spend the entire reception badmouthing me and us. Since the wedding, she has done so many things that I thought even she wasn't capable of, I've had to think long and hard about my mental health and be very careful not to get any more emotionally involved than absolutely necessary.

One thing I would counsel you to do, is to decide for yourself right here and right now that you will NOT avoid talking about difficult subjects with him because you are afraid he'll end the relationship. That is the straight-line path to being, as you say, a main contributor to this site!

Here's the thing. You have to tell yourself right now that you are 50% of this relationship. The other 50% is the guy. He doesn't get 75% or 80% or whatever because he's got kids. It's 50-50. Which means that your needs are 50% of the needs. You will get a lot of pressure -- from the BM, maybe from the skids, maybe even from him -- to consider your needs as a smaller percentage. But if you allow yourself to believe that, you will never be happy. And if you allow your needs to take a back seat to his, you will make bigger and bigger sacrifices, because there will always be someone there to say, "Think of the children" or "She's the mother of my children" or "I don't want to rock the boat."

I'm not saying, by the way, that the kids' needs should not be considered. I hope everyone understands that. You are an adult, and sometimes adults need to sacrifice so that kids can be secure and happy. BUT: If you are an a relationship between equals, those decisions, those sacrifices, need to be decided between the two of you. You need to both be comfortable with them. Really comfortable -- not just you caving because you aren't sure of your self or your place.

Remember. You're 50%. Just because there was a first wife doesn't mean that you should assume that you will always be relegated to the position of "lesser girlfriend/fiancee/spouse." If your BF gets that after a conversation or two, fine -- great, in fact. He'll need to REALLY get it to stand up to BM if and when she has a problem with you. If not, seriously, do yourself a favor. Move on.

Watch for the signs...if she a control freak? Does he let her dictate how/what/when he should do something? Is she greedy? Does she know about you, and if so, does she pretend you don't exist or hate you for no reason? How long have they been split up? These are all factors that will greatly effect your life if you stay in a relationship with this man. Make sure this guy is economically stable and is not agreeing to anything in this custody/cs case that could be a problem if you stay in a relationship with him, like agreeing to make BM a beneficiary in a life insurance policy for SD, of paying cs until she's 22 & done with college instead of until she's 18, or paying some enormous amount, or agreeing to pay for ANY part of college (the reason I say this is college should be a privledge, not a right, and you can't know at this age if she will be ready or willing to be successful in college, so it could be a big waste of money...so don't agree to it in a court order, let that wait until the time comes); etc.

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

yes, these opinions are biased, but at least she's getting the advice of the worst case scenario! LOL There are definitely cases where everything works out just fine in the grand scheme, but there will always be difficulties & issues, so having all the info will help her decide if she is the type of person that can handle all this blended family stuff or if she'd rather move on while she can....and yes obviously talk about all this stuff up front, but more importantly, WATCH. Pay attention to his actions, not just his words. His idea of guilt parenting may be spending enormous amounts of money every time he sees the kid, and your idea of it may be not disciplining enough...so he may SAY he doesn't guilt parent but in your opinion, he may very well be. So watch his actions & reactions regarding his daughter & if they send up red flags, watch out!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"

hehe...moving in with him would probably be the fastest way to get her to run! You never really know a person until you move in with them...and their kids!

"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"