there is no easy answer with disengaging, everyone loses a little bit, all you can do is do what is best for you sanity, I disengaged in July and although I feel bad sometimes I feel BETTER more.
good luck
"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one."

I disengaged months ago and it feels great. They never ate what I cooked, listened to my advice or appreciated my gifts. I have given up trying and it feels wonderful. Dont feel bad, things may be different when they grow up and their mums are not in the background having little digs at us. Which they all do, wether they are nice or not.

"Dispute not with her, she is a lunatic."

part of the solution then don't come to me with the problem; you are smart to step out of their circle.

You are not irresponsible, you are totally responsible for taking care of your feelings. ....all of this spells R E L I E F!

My situation is that because I had already raised three kids to adulthood I KNEW NOT TO GET INVOLVED and didn't. My husbands children actually like me and respect me. They didn't need a third adult telling them anything-----and I didn't. Nor did I EVER cook. I cleaned up after my husbands birthday parties----but it was for HIM. My husband did for his 3 and I did for my three---and not in a nasty way. It was sharing the workload and it was fair. But I wasn't 30 and dying to be "helpful". I was 50 and tired and had a little perspective.
Good call on your part. You saved yourself.

with my 3 adult SDs...after 10 years of giving them everything I had. They are losing out big time, and not a day goes by that I don't think about them and how sad the situation has become. But it gets better everyday...AND it is freeing not doing a thing for them.

Don't know how to disengage - I don't think it is possible....What am I missing?

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!

For me, in regards to my youngest SD -- it's survival. She is so toxic and evil...it's unhealthy for me to have a relationship with her.

I get Stepwitch's dilemma. I've tried for years and years but when you are home with SD most of the time while DH is at work, you have to attend to her needs. I've been staying at home now for 8 years to care properly for her--boy was that a mistake because now I'm miserable and jobless. TRAPPED! She's mean all the time until she either needs me to do something for her or wants to tell me things about her life to get a reaction out of me. She always pretends she wants to chat like mothers and daughters should, then whacks me with her stories of dangerous behavior.

Now, at 17, she left the house and hasn't spoken to us in 7 days. No one knows where she is and she's blaming me for all of it. If and when she returns home, I will completely disengage but will still have to deal with snarky, mean behavior. I AM SO MISERABLE!

You are miserable because it's SO FRESH. I was that way in March...couldn't eat, sleep...anything. DISengage...it is now 6 months later for me and yes, it's still a sad situation, but I am MUCH better. Have her dad deal with her.

Illin: I hope I haven't hijacked your thread with my reply--my responses are informational and will hopefully help with the way you feel and your disengaging questions. First of all, it's too bad we don't all live close. If we did, we could leave them all to their own devices and go to a spa. Throw in some chocolate. Yes, massages, facials, chocolate consumption.

Step Lightly: You're right, it's still fresh for me. Now that SD is home, she tries to stay away as much as possible and is cordial to me. I can tell she hates me but things are still too awkward for her to be mean just yet. Two days ago she asked to borrow a pair of running shoes (which I have 3. She loses hers over at friend's houses) I nicely told her that she couldn't use my brand new running shoes because I'm a serious runner and they are molded to my feet. I did offer up my lawn mowing shoes instead--ha ha. She went to my closet (which I have to lock when I'm not here because she will take my clothes)and looked at them, turned her nose up, and flounced off. I'm not sure but I think, because of past blow ups in this house, that she assumes things will return to "normal" and I will get over it. Perhaps she's surprised that I've been business like. Who knows. Gosh, I hope so. On a side note: The thing I'm doing now that has the most impact, I think, is calling her by name when we speak. No more honey, or sweetie, which I've been using for years. It is the end of endearments! I know when DH and I are arguing and he calls me by my name, instead of honey, it actually hurts. I am thinking too much...never mind.

Crayon: Isn't disengaging hard? I think that's because we know these kids need love and we cannot fathom why they don't want it from us. I think we all are good people. SD is the only person in my entire life who has hated me and abused me this much. I think SD being 17 makes it easier. I simply could not have done it when she was younger and I was her major care giver. I think Sparents of young ones need Valium and a karate master to teach them to ignore things around them.

Thank goodness I've found you all.

But I have for the most part. Sometimes I feel guilty because I do care and feel like I should be doing something. But I won't put up with abuse. I treat them as any other inlaw who is acting jerky and disengaging can be a great survival tool. I think we feel miserable because we do care.
Funny, I too have had to have a lock installed on my closet. I thought that I was just going nuts.
Georgie

Georgie,

I thought I was going nuts too---I think my husband still does but is wise enough to not say anything. (grrr)

You have to want it, and want it for the right reasons. With hate in your heart and with no resolution in mind, it will not work. Use disengageing to make things better if possible. You disengage so you don't feel used, trod on, ignored and unappreciated. If you give nothing, you have nothing to lose, therefore the resentment resides and slowly starts to make things better all by itself.

If your step child feels less threatened (a term I use to describe how they feel as we are, in their mind, trying to replce their mum or dad) They don't have expectations to break or feelings to step on. It really does make everyone (step parent and child) feel more at ease and less attacked.

Before you say bullshit, and that is what i said almost 2 years ago, I am headstrong and stubborn, once you "get" it, once you wrap your head a round the concept, you can do it. It took along time but I did it and I never thought I could. Good luck.

Why do you feel irresponsibe? The way they turn out is not our responsibility, it belongs to their parents. If your help is falling on deaf ears why waste your breathe?

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

I know how hard it is to disengage. For the past six months, I have disengaged with my 17 yo SS. He likes it so much better. My DH keeps thinking it will change. "I'm suppose to be the adult". I could not take being total ignored in my own home, when I've tried so hard to make him feel welcomed. I can't put myself through it anymore. I feel sorry for my DH when he realizes what a dependent man they have raised. Somehow I feel I'll still be blamed for some of it!!
Cookielady

I really need this. My 30 year old SD has this dance where she stays mad over the stupidest thing then
is all sweet then gets mad for another few months. For 5-6 years I have been her puppet to push away then draw
back then push away. I am done. I want to learn how to be distant/polite and not get yo-yo'd again.

She used to hug me goodbye, then if she was mad she would hug her dad and ignore me and be really cold if I called. (did I mention she is 30 LOL) After 5-6 years of this I need to just disengage.

It will help me not keep guessing my status and getting hurt when she is in "shunning" mode.

She is very manipulative so it will bug her if I act like I don't care when she is mean. The hard part is
learning to not care and not just trying to act like I don't care.

Then I wonder if I am being unforgiving??? Help