I'm new but old to these issues. Here's a little background:

I married Dh at 25, took on full custody of SS 9 and SD 2--The BM has disappeared and never surfaced. I wish she would come back and take her darling daughter with her. SS has been a joy and is now 25 and on his own. We still maintain a great relationship. You'd think having SD since 2 yrs old and the fact that she calls me Mom would mean something but it doesn't. We cannot stand each other. I have bent over backwards through the years, was a true mother in that I completely took over the role--made lunches--drove to practices--supported--saved report cards--you name it. My only regrets are losing my patience and yelling probably too much but good god I cannot allow myself this guilt because a person can only take too much. Here's a time line:

4 years old: Told babysitter, after we had a talk about strangers and people touching her, that her brother (11 at this time) was molesting her. Not true but this was a peek into disturbing behaviors in the future.

6 years old: Told teacher that I had left my front door open and my 2 yr old son wandered into the street and was killed (no such son exists) Told day care that her father and I dance naked in the house in front of her and that I've been to jail.

9 years: Went to after school care with a friend. Friend was going to a birthday party and SD was jealous, convinced friend to hide in the bathroom until Dh comes to get her and they'd go to the party (she wasn't invited) together. Friend agrees and when friend's mother comes, sees that her child is missing, starts crying, the school is searching for her, and SD tells her that she hasn't seen her. THIS IS THE EXTENT SHE WILL GO WITH NO REMORSE!

12-16: Met random boys (with friends) and invited them into her room and shirts were taken off//I found a note saying that she was going to give two guys "roadhead" (sorry if offensive) if they would drive her to another state where boyfriend lives so they can have sex--when she found out we knew, she claimed she'd been raped at 8 years old by a neighbor--all to stop being punished! I rushed her to a GYN and she was a virgin still--she then began to back pedal with her story. I almost called the police and spent days crying about this!//Has sex with boyfriend at 14-- 6 times with no protection because she's decided she wants a baby--her period is a week late and when it comes, tells everybody she's miscarried--I found pictures on her cell phone of her masturbating(at 14! well, that's gross at any age). Boyfriend talks to another girl and she takes 6 tylenol and tells me she's overdosed--night in hospital, conversation with social worker and she loved every minute of it and was all smiles. At 15, Dh and I were out of town 4 days and she stayed with friends. She broke a window at our home (lost her key) and had a huge party and caused $800 damage. At 16 had a boyfriend who was 25 with a child, then immediately after dated a 29 year old.

When she wants something she will NOT take no for an answer and pushes and pushes and pushes until you are so out of control from anger that you either start screaming or give in. (I never give in and DH always does--we've never been on the same page about anything with her)

She just recently, at 17, told me she will never say sorry for any of it, likes to live on the edge, has no remorse for anything she does, no matter the consequences. She is so inflammatory and can push my buttons to the point that I become violent. (not abusive, mind you--I swear I'm the most gentle person you will ever meet but I have restrained her, smacked her a few times and am not proud of any of it. :O I feel like I have to say that and have never read of anyone on here losing control but some of us must have)

(sorry this is long--it's been a long 15 years)

Just this last weekend she had the inplanon birth control insert taken out of her arm. (I had a 3 year birth control put in her because she refuses to take the pill every day. I will not raise her children) The GYN removed it without my permission (after 6 months and it cost $600 and wasn't covered by insurance!!) and it left a gaping hole. Now she's unprotected.
DH, for once (shock of shocks,) tried to make her stay home Friday night because she wouldn't tell him where she was going. It was an hour long ordeal of him wrestling her keys away from her and she had a stupid panic attack from not getting her way. She's never had one before so it was likely drama. In the past, when we've grounded her, she's cut her arms and stopped eating. ALL MANIPULATION that I don't get!? She stops cutting and eats again when she's off grounding. What the heck is that?! So, she stayed home that evening. The next day, she came in, snapped that she was leaving. I told her to sit a moment and explained that her behavior was ridiculous and that we had a right to know where she went. She was horribly mean, rude, called me crazy. I told her she couldn't leave and tried to get the keys from her. She struggled and opened the hole in her arm up. You can guess the rest, she called her father, screamed abuse, told her friends and now I'm a crazy person. DH seems to believe me...or maybe not. How can other moms not believe her with a gaping hole in her arm--though unless she said I was attacking her with a knife, I cannot imagine how I would have done that.

Finally, she came home the next day, told me she's always hated me and that we're through. DH told her that the new rule in the house is that everyone respects everyone else, no matter what. And if she's going out all night, he wants to at least know where she is (I know...he under-parents all the time). She told him she's moving out because she's not a 10 year old, packed and left. I texted her the following day and apologized for trying to physically get the keys and told her that she knew I didn't mean to hurt her. She informed me that it's too late and that I'm psycho. Grr!

Now DH is a little cool to me and, I know, is blaming me somewhat for this--but says he blames her too but how can he?? His child, though 17, is not living at home anymore? She's crazy! He never has put limitations on her and I'm losing my mind. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty but really have no reason to. She has me coming and going. Help!