Help!!adult future stepdaughters! well in age! not actions
Not sure if I can do this or not I have 2 children from previous marriage 19 & 21 more than ready to have mom get remarried! But the 2 possible twin 21 yr old sd's could be trouble live out of the house but expect dad to pay for everything! well I do help my children with somethings they work and go to school full time but use their money for gas spending and my son even has a car payment that he pays. They just sit with hand out and per their words we are not allowed to even take trips without them!! very vocal with me saying hurtful things never say I am sorry for how they behave. 21 going on 6 is the attitude. I have asked that we sit down the 4 of us, any input would be great. I know blood is thicker than water but if he would just stick up for me instead of ignoring it like it is going to go away!!He has 1 son, also we get along great 2 grandkids also the girls do not like the fact the grandkids are close to me also!! He has raised the girls for the last 11 years, mom left but see's girls now and then which they feed each other!!They think he does stuff with my kids but they have jobs and friends, school so not around much. HELP any input would be GREAT!!!
I think a heart-to-heart
with your DH needs to happen before the 4 of you sit down. You need to be on the same page and be a united front. He can't ignore this any longer. HE must demand respect for his fiance. Also, if ANY of my kids (adult or minor) told me I couldn't take a trip without them, that is the FIRST thing I'd do. A trip with just you and fiance...somewhere neither of you have been and somewhere the SDs have always wanted to go!
help
I Hope he will do this without making him feel he has to choose between us, I try to call and check on them when there has been medical issues, Or they will call me when they want me to make dad do what they want! but I have been upfront and said I will not play that game, I really think their bm fuels their fire That we only do things with my kids, one time went to cedar point without them they found out and we unreal..We took my niece camping and to cp and he had to tell the 10 yr old not to say anything in front of his daughters because of the scene they would make. I have told him we need to stop this before it comes in between us, we travel to see the s in another state which just makes them mad i see him and the grandkids, they didn't see them when they lived here but I am the bad guy. just need some direction and prayers!!! I don't want to loose the man I have looked a lifetime for!
You First
Think through your needs first, then you and DH need to talk. StepLightly is right - you need to talk with your DH first. But I might say take it one step further - what is the 4 person talk about? Really, it might not be a chat, it might be a dictate. And it might be something that your DH needs to do! It depends on how involved you want to be in the whining and moaning that will shortly ensue. You have no responsibility to adult Sks except as far as you want to go. (As much as they will try to force you to believe otherwise - you owe them nothing!) It is not like minor Sks where I can understand a feeling of responsibility.
For me - my adult SD moved back in with us after we were married. By my consent, after I had discussed "rules" with my DH. It ended up being very important that it was MY HOUSE. Even though DH and I had discussed rules - at every turn, when my SD didn't wanna - I had to stand up to both of them. Even then, at one point, my husband called me an Ogre. (For making her clean catfood out of her bedroom!).
It sounds to me like you are moving into his house. That means you are on their traditional turf. You need to decide where and how you want to be with your DH, and then let him know. At one point last year, my DH tried to get me to acquiesce by saying - well if you say so, it is YOUR house. And I told him - damn straight. And these were the rules. He then told his daughter that I was the house owner, and if those were the rules, that was it. Notice - that was not in any way supportive - it made me the outsider, the bad guy, the evil landlord and any other unreasonable jackass he could make me be. Oh yeah, they lived by the rules. Tough petunias - if I had given in, I still would have been the meanie - but I also would be hosting SDs friends every night, feeding them, and generally just being the maid.
BUT - If it weren't my house, I couldn't have done that. Think about what you want and how you want to live. Spell it out for DH. Be clear. Then, be prepared to stand up to the gale force winds of their pissing and moaning, and their little hurtful words and bullshit actions. THEN be prepared to force the issue when DH forgets that YOU are his wife and they are his children, not the other way around. (then repeat often) THEN maybe in a couple of years.... It will be all good....
What's your limit?
First, a given. Your SD21's are not going away and they are not going to change their ways. They still expect your money, free vacations, and that their father will do their bidding. It troubles me that they also think it's OK to disrespect you to your face, and they hold the family hostage in fear of their adult tantrums.
At least everyone is clear who is in control here--and unfortunately it's not you or your DH. But that can change.
Have these bitches ever been exposed to the word NO? Why is everyone so afraid to demand normal behavior of these people?
Gertrude is right, you need to be clear with your DH about the rules of engagement. How much of the SD21's BS game are you willing to play?
This "blood is thicker..." argument is complete bullshit. Your wedding vows took precendence over that. I remember my SD24 instructing DH very seriously that "wives will go away, but your children are forever, so we should always come first." Yeah, maybe on PLUTO...
I am in your position too, and the hardest thing for me to come to grips with was that any change in the power dynamic had to start with my DH. I could yell, cry, scream and rant about how his rancid adult daughters were corrupting our relationship, but it meant nothing until DH was willing to take them on and change things. Thank goodness he did, otherwise I'd be out the door.
I am sorry you have to go through this! But your story can still have a happy ending if you and DH agree to stop playing by the SD21's rules and start making a few of your own.