She's Just MEAN!

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My SD that is. I'm starting to think that she is really not a nice person.

Last night, everything was going fine. She was hanging out with me and DH in the living room, trying to figure out how to get her cell phone to record sounds. She wanted to put some song from her iPod onto her phone.

Her iPod was playing from her bedroom (hooked into one of those speaker things so everyone could hear it). First it was that "I Kissed a Girl" song. Fine, no problem. I didn't recognize the next song, but it was a rap song and I heard quite a few swears. So I asked what the song was. As I continued to listen to more of the lyrics, I was appalled. I told her I didn't think it was appropriate, DH agreed. She was told to delete the songs. She was told that she KNOWS she's not to buy these songs, and that from now on we'd have to look over her shoulder as she purchases songs for her iPods since she can't follow the rules.

(The song was by lil wayne. called lollipop. she had another song by this lil wayne guy. these songs are AWFUL. Do NOT let your kids listen to this stuff!!!)

Anyways....next thing you know, lovely little SD is going OFF on me. "You're not my parent, why do you even care! Can't you handle some swears, what are you 5 YEARS OLD?! All you do is complain about everything and blame everything on being pregnant! Dad, why did you have to marry her?!?!?" This went on and on, that's a sampling of the things she had to say.

I can't even imagine speaking to someone like that. Even now, at my age, I would never try so hard to hurt someone's feelings. I really think she's just gonna turn into a beyatch, just like her mother.

Speaking of her mother, of course SD had to call her last night in order to complain about me. I freaking hate that.

Oh god. Jess.. I am so

Oh god. Jess.. I am so sorry.. you shouldnt have to deal w/this.. you should be enjoying your pregnancy.. doing relaxing things at the end of your day.. not being totally disrespected by a brat.

What did your dh do??? did he say anything to her??

Thanks....it really was a

Thanks....it really was a crappy day yesterday. I was feeling so down at work, I don't know why (maybe just hormones). I actually closed my door because I was WEEPING, and then I ended up just leaving work to go home and relax. Slept for a while, then woke up and got treated like this.

Anyway, DH told her she was acting inappropriately and took all of her privileges away from her.

He actually told her she's lost her iPod for 2 months.

2 months seems a bit much to me, because the loss of the iPod will become meaningless to her by the time the 2 months are up.

I told DH, when SD was on the phone with BM, that HE should be on the phone with BM, so that SD doesn't feel she's got something on us. He actually listened to me about this....he got on the phone with BM and explained the whole situation to her.

As much as I hate DH talking to BM, I think its better for SD. Because otherwise she gets to skew things in a way that make me look horrible.

she's 10???

Why would your DH let her speak to you in that way and continue on that disrespectful tirade???

Sometimes I think that parents just don't have a CLUE how to parent.
If you would like, I can give you a very effective parenting tool to give to your DH to stop this kind of behavior in it's tracks.

Let me know. It really does work- I use it on my own boys all the time. Finally my own DH has started to wise up and use it on his own girls and (SURPRISE) is amazed that it works with them, too.
(SHOCKING- it's not rocket science, after all!)

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I'd like to hear it....

She's 11.

I'm definitely interested in this tool you're talking about. Because, honestly, I don't know what DH could do to stop her. He doesn't "put up" with it. He gives her consequences for acting like that and definitely tells her its unacceptable. But when she's in the middle of doing it - how do you stop her without getting physical?

This is a kid who will push you until you want to hit her. You tell her to go in her room and shut the door, she will FLAT OUT refuse, and the only way to get compliance is to physicall pick her up and move her into the room, and then close the door. And then you'll have to stand there and hold the door knob and have a tug of war with her.

And I do NOT want to be physical with this kid. Christ, she's 5'2 and weighs 125 pounds. She's the size of an adult.

Plus if I lay one hand on her, BM will hear about it and immediately send child services to our house.

DH doesn't want to get physical with her either, because she's got a history of being hit by BM's boyfriends.....

5 Teens!

I want to know this parenting tool! Post it here so we can all benefit. I would love to use it on my kids....does it work on adult kids too?

Parenting Strategy

Ok, here goes:

*Child/teen (I guess supposed disrespectful adult 'child' as well) starts on their little tirade of 'whatever'- we all KNOW it when we hear it!
*AS SOON AS IT STARTS, the parent says in a CALM voice,
"You need to stop right now. You are being disrespectful. When I count to 3, the next things out of your mouth will be both an apology for your disrespect and you will begin the conversation again with a new attitude. One...Two...Three..."

*This does two things:
1)Makes the child/teen RECOGNIZE that they are indeed being
disrespectful. Sometimes, as in DHs one child, she has
gotten into such a bad habit of disrespect, she does not
know any other way of treating people (isn't THAT sad?).
This FORCES her to recognize that she is AGAIN doing it!

2)Makes them apologize for their actions. It may not be sincere,
but it does not matter at this point! Some people have a
difficult time even saying the words "I'm sorry", so getting
them to say it at all is a step in the right direction- a
good habit to instill.

And guess what? It almost always works! BUT...

*consistency is the KEY. It has to be done each and every time the child is acting out in a snotty/nasty/rude (you name it) way. It can be handled live or on phone conversations in the same manner.

*Also, if the child/teen does not comply, there needs to also be a COSEQUENCE for noncompliance. Usually, it is nothing too severe, like grounding them for a month, but something that teaches them a simple lesson, and always doled out calmly. For instance:

Child does not settle down after the count of "three" and continues to be disrespectful. Your response (CALMLY)

"You need to stop right now. You chose not to follow my terms and apologize and accept a new attitude in this conversation. I am now terminating the conversation and you will now lose your cell phone for 24 hours because of your disrepect. Please place it on the counter now." And change the subject or walk away.

And if you are on the phone "...You will lose the right to your computer for 24 hours the next time you are at my house." And change the subject. AND FOLLOW THROUGH WHEN THEY ARRIVE!!!!!

But you have to stay CALM through it all. Think Neutral Switzerland. Think 'State Trooper' calm during a traffic stop- when the crazy, out-of-control driver is ripping up a ticket and screaming in their face and the Trooper just calmly writes another ticket and calmly says, "yes Ma'am, have a good day Ma'am. And here's your new ticket, Ma'am."

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

OMG! I do that!

I have been doing that for years! First I say, "You are being _____." It could be disrespectful, whiny, ugly, loud, whatever. Then I say, "Apologize and try again." I get the "I'm sorry" and they do change the behavior! I don't even have to yell!

♥ ANNE 8102 ♥

"Stay thirsty, my friends."
~The Most Interesting Man in the World

Isn't it great, Anne?

And so much easier to do then yelling, threatening, and all the other stuff that just doesn't work!

I'm all for the "why work hard when you don't have to?" philosophy myself

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

I've tried that...

it didn't work with my SD.

*shrug*

Last night I was very calm responding to her. She just came up with meaner things to say.

She's a white trash bitch. She even does the wiggle her head around thing.

Sorry, I'm not in a very productive mood right now. I'm feeling very bad for myself.....

Oh no Jess.. HUGS I wish

Oh no Jess.. *HUGS* I wish there was something that I could do for you.

thanks :)

I'll be alright. I just need to fume for a while.

Part of what really burns me up about this is how succesfully SD managed to divert attention from the fact that she knowingly disobeyed the rule that she not download songs marked "explicit."

Bravo SD. Your plan worked.

Did your DH try it???

HE's her Father, after all! Sorry to say, Jess, but sometimes, it's the PRIMARY parent's repsonsibility to put the child in his/her place.

If the 'step' attempts to do the 'parenting' and the birthparent simply sits back and just takes a passive role in all of it, of course the child will respond negatively- and you're going to get ALL the nasty, ugly responses.

DH HAS to step up to the plate and BE a parent to HIS child.

Sorry you have to deal with all of this, Jess. I truly know how frustrating it can be!

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Love the Analogy

Crayon, you hit the nail on the head beautifully.

In my case with DH and BM, it's a comedy of errors. DH is just too busy to parent- he's working a demanding job of 70-80+ hrs/wk to provide for these kids and most issues just get piled up "on the back burner". Then they go back to the BMs house with the issues unresovled or unaddressed.

There, BM has NO CLUE how to parent! Her solution to problems- send them to friends' houses so she doesn't have to deal with it, or 'throw them out of the house' back to us! (Real mature).

Meanwhile, all I can do is sit back and watch the craziness unfold-
because THEY'RE NOT MY KIDS! But their actions affect my life. Lucky, lucky me.

Parenting is 24/7. No breaks. No vacations. No holidays. It's relentless. And the kids are just WAITING for you to GIVE UP and "cry uncle" and give in. And that's what happens in the case of my SDs.

Not me with my sons. I'm their worst nightmare. And they know it }:-)

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

Great analogy crayon

Our pastor once said that a parent's job is to prune the branches that don't bear fruit. I loved that and told my husband about it and he thought it was just horrible. In other words, how could I even SAY we should try to shape SD's behavior in any way? That would just break her spirit (yes, he used those words). AARGH!

Jess, 11-13 year old girls

Jess,

11-13 year old girls are THE WORST. I remember being such a bitch to my mom at that age. When my mom got remarried the first time, my younger sister was 11 and I remember how horrible she was to that guy. Remember that part of her problem is sheer age and hormones and she has probably singled you out as a scapegoat for all her problems.

I think it is a useless strategy for the two bio parents to parent as a team once they have seperate homes and lives. Your dh needs to be a parent with YOU and save any parenting with his ex for major things, not day to day discipline. By constantly giving the ex a voice in your home, it undermines you entirely. Your sd is old enough to see that happening. Your dh needs to show his sd that YOU are his co-parent. PERIOD.

Need to remember this...

I think you're right. She's going through puberty, starting to worry about boys, wanting to break away from parents generally.....and here I am, not even officially a "parent" (according to her), trying to tell her what to do. How horrible of me!!!

I have trouble not taking her hurtful statements personally. Unfortunately, her BM has provided a perfect role model of how to be a little witch....she can really do the Jerry Springer head nod, snap in z-formation attitude very well, and it disgusts me....

Jess, 11-13 year old girls

Jess,

Oh NO! I'm not suggesting THAT!!!

I hope you didn't get the wrong idea!!!!

I was not in ANY way suggesting that the TWO BIOPARENTS were supposed to work as a team. NO WAY. NO HOW!!!!

What I was trying to suggest to Jess was that this would not work unless her Husband, who is the primary PARENT of the child, needs to take the LEAD on the parenting in this case.

It will not work if HE simply sits back and lets HER, the stepparent, do all the parenting. She does not have the 'standing' to do so.

If her husband does, however, take his right place in this family and step up as the PRIMARY disciplinarian, THEN the TWO of them can present a UNITED FRONT with the child and work as a team.

That is the only way it will work and that is what I was suggesting.

What happens at the Dad's home should stay at the dad's home.
What happens at the Mom's home should stay at the mom's home.

Sorry for the confusion.

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

No I didn't take it that

No I didn't take it that way, but I guess I misunderstood that her dh was doing a lot of communicating with the bm on parenting. I would never ever go for that, personally!

I totally agree with you on separate homes, separate lives!

And I also agree that if dad is home, then dad should take the lead. There is no way a stepparent should *have* to be the one doing the major disciplining if the bio parent is in the home and involved in the situation.

Now I'm against a stepparent havign to go to the bio parent and "tell" so that the kids get in trouble...but if the bio parent is there and sees what is happening, THEY should take care of it!!

BM generally NOT involved

At our house. BM and DH rarely talk, period. But it just really irked me last night, that SD thought she had something on us. Calling up BM to "tell on Jess" because Jess is so mean. So I thought...how about the adults talk?

So SD said her peace to BM, and then DH asked to talk to her and told her the real deal. *shrug*

That's okay with me. It apparently really ticked SD off (I didn't witness this ... at this point I'd decided to take a shower and remove myself from the situation) - she didn't want her dad talking to her mom. I think she likes them divided because its easier to play all the adults off eachother that way.

Children at that age love to

Children at that age love to try to divide and conquer.....

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

And...

if children that age aren't put in their place, then they try to divide and conquer as adults! I should know!

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