How do I, as a new SM, deal with a mentally unstable BM?!
My husband and I married over a year ago and have been through a nightmare with his ex and the kids. She is bi-polar and we see no signs of her ever trying to have a healthy, happy, nurturing relationship with either her children or us. I have made several attempts at lying down the olive branch. We have had two good conversations on the phone talking about the kids needs and how to approach them. Of course, being the perpetual optimist, I thought we finally made a breakthrough. Only to be let down the very next week with her absolutely insane behavior yet again. She would call and ask to speak to her "husband" and then continue to scream and swear at ME...for what I have no idea?! I've had to, now twice, gently tell her that I had to hang up the phone (which I did) in order for the kids not to witness her insane behavior. I understand that bi-polar is a severe mental disorder and that medication would help tremendously. My husband and I have come to the conclusion that she loves playing the martyr and if she were to seek help for her condition she thinks (subconsciously) she would lose that sensation (I think she also loves the highs during her manic phase of the disease).
As for the kids, we (BF, myself, and the kids), have had a terrible time coping. BM constantly undermines our relationship. BM and my first conversation on the phone was all about her NEVER "enabling" BF and mine's relationship. She is so angry that BF remarried that she winds up taking it out not only on us but especially on the kids. She loads them up for bear everytime we have them. The comments the kids make are not something that comes out of the mouth of a 10 or 13 year old, so we do know exactly where these things are coming from. I am so fearful that these kids are going to be so screwed up in the long term that they will be in therapy for the rest of their lives.
What makes it even worse is the disrespect and snyde remarks the kids make to me. I have done nothing but treat them with kindness, love, and respect. I do everything for them; cook, clean, laundry, medicine (my SS has chronic stomach issues - I wonder why?! and my SD has Type I diabetes). I am finding myself becoming resentful and angry and I am embarassed of that. For I grew up with a step father who loved me as his own and I loved him as a father. We would have EVERYONE over during holidays and special events and EVERYONE got along! Boy did I go into this relationship with a very idealistic take on the situation!
Calling Anne, Cruella,
Calling Anne, Cruella, Colorado Girl, Sita and Fearless??? Tell her girls.....
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin
IF i had the answer to that
I would not be venting at this site!! LOL.........welcome to the bio bitch club. One day at a time
Thanks for the welcome
I am soooo glad this site is here.
Another little story for the records...
We received a letter from her attorney telling us that our SD13 is not to be alone with SS10 because in the event there is a "medical emergency" (meaning, SD has a diabetic episode) our SS is incapable of handling her needs. This was in response to the fact that one of the last times the kids were here, we both worked for four hours in the morning and left them alone for that time.
Interestingly enough, BM had our SD get her "babysitting certificate" and has been babysitting (by herself!) kids ranging in age from infants to 7+ year olds. Also, when they are at their BM's house, they are CONSTANTLY by themselves because she is out on dates! The hypocrisy is UNBELIEVABLE!!!!
Fearless
Have I told you lately that I love you?
That was a great post!
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
manufacturer's BOX!!! LOL LOL
that wasnt a bad joke, that was a fantastic joke!!!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Fearless...you rock!
I think this last weekends "episodes" with SS was the last straw...probably why I found this site! I've been thinking about all the things I do for these kids, that treat me like they do, and came to the same conclusion...STOP IT!
SS will see us being affectionate and throw a temper tamtrum to get attention from his father. EVERYTIME and WITHOUT fail. I'm sick of BF coddling this behavior! So, we are going to have a little SM laying down the law with BF talk tonight!!!
u dont
u dont deal w her, u let HIM deal w her...HE knocked her up TWICE.
in your sit down i would talk to DH about parenting by guilt...thsi is easyf or them to fall into but in the long run, not only does it ruin YOUR relationship, but it really hurts the kids.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I beat you guys to the punch on that one :)
I've already told him I refuse to talk to her anymore. I don't need that crazy $#&@ in my life! He did agree. So hopefully that buck stopped there!
that will help
but not eliminate the problem...if youre BM is like mine (who is bipolar too incidentally, but pretends its really postpartum...BEFORE and 3 years AFTER having the angel) she will talk about u, try to accuse u of abuse and so on and ruin even days that u dont have the kids and shouldnt have to worry about the bs!! its os much fun being a stepmom when u have a whacko on your hands!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Parenting by guilt is my husbands mantra!
They call him "Disneyland Dad". You heard me right...all we do when the kids are in town is entertain. We take them shopping, miniature golfing, to the beach, movies, buy them singstar, guitar hero, rock band etc. He is CONSTANTLY trying to win the love of his kids. This site just slapped me in the face! thanks, i needed that!
oh PLUS
the kids will be screwed up enough from living w psycho, especially when she hates dear dad and stepmom and tries to turn the kids against them, or babys them to the point where they cant function as normal kids and later, adults...
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
One word...
wine.
In all seriousness though, my skids' BM is diagnosed bi-polar and is currently on meds. The worst she ever was and when I first encountered her wrath was when she was off her meds. Yikes. She is the ever swinging pendulum and it is so difficult to cope. By far one of the most difficult journeys of my life.
I suggest a counselor. I learned so much from mine. She helped me understand BM's illness and taught me how to deal with her when she is having a manic episode. Good or bad. I always talk to her the same. I don't fire back at her when she's pissed and I don't enable her when she's trying to be my best friend. She's in the business of extremes and I just try to help level it all out. I'm the calmness that she is incapable of grasping. Ever.
And you're right, I've read before that sometimes bi-polar patients don't take their meds because they yearn for the euphoric state of mind that accompanies the lows. Kinda like when we gorge ourselves with alcohol KNOWING that we'll be hungover the next day. They'll take the highs even if that means enduring the lows.
If your skids BM is actually diagnosed bi-polar and she is off her meds, you have a long hard road ahead of you. If this is the case, I would avoid her like the plague because I guarantee you that you are a trigger for manic episodes. (My handwriting has set off BM before.) Let your DH step up and deal with her solely. She'll appreciate your absence and you'll grow to love not seeing her. If the phone rings, don't answer.
I have chosen to stop being angry at BM. I have learned that she thrives on chaos. If there is none in her life she will create it. Unfortunately, my husband is forever bound to her and her certifiable behavior. I chose to stick it out but I can understand the overwhelming need to leave as well.
You need to learn to coddle yourself a little. DH can handle is own shit for a while. You need a break.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
She REFUSES to go on meds!
BM absolutely refuses to go on meds for her bi-polar disorder. BF told me of a time when they were married that she went on meds for the disease and she was actually somewhat NORMAL! She then said she didn't like the way she felt and stopped taking them...only to go right back into crazy psycho mode.
I totally agree about feeding the chaos she so craves. I just wish that the kids didn't have to hear her rantings and didn't have to deal with her manipulations she uses ON THEM to get to BF and mine's relationship! How do you learn to ignore the kids (actually the BM talking through the kids) when they are in your home disrespecting you?!
u dont ignore disrespect
u make your DH force his kids to respect u and treat u rite...its ur home too!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
Disrespect
Is a huge issue and I don't think I could learn to ignore that. You may have to take this bull by the horns yourself. I stay away from most issues with SD because it causes such a rift between DH and I but I will not tolerate disrespect in my home. SD figured out pretty quick that she call pull that crap on BM and even DH to some degree but Evil won't put up with it for a second, my Bkids have known that for a long time, didn't take her long to figure it out either. Sometimes you have to be the big "B" and put people in their place.
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
You're my hero
I've let them, both Skids and husband, walk all over me for over a year now. It's time I do start laying down the law of the house...no more disrespect, no more temper tantrums, no more of this bull$^@&! They probably will hate me for a while and I can't even begin to think about the response from BM!
Also,
We have been planning on getting pregnant for the past 9 months and have kept putting it off. Part of me is NOT looking forward to the backlash that I know we'll get from the kids and BM and I think that's one of the biggest reasons I keep coming up with excuses to put it off. Time to be the big "B" and put an end to all this childish crap that's been going on in MY home!
oh no
YOU TWO get pregnant bc u want a family and who the hell cares what the skids or BM or anyone else who visits PT in your home has to say??!! if u already had a child, woudl u not have another if u want to out of fear for how ur biokid would react? most likely not, so dont change bc its a stepkid.
good luck w the babymaking!
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
If your putting off getting pregnant
Because you are concerned about backlash then I agree with bellacita however, getting through this stressful time and getting comfortable with your new role will make your pregnancy much more enjoyable. Besides, it would be difficult for me to be "in the mood" to make a baby when everyone is pissed at me for being a big ole bitch.lol
~Evil
If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders. ~Abigail Van Buren
i agree
you guys are so right on...tx!
I want to have a baby more than anything right now and to have two (no sorry) THREE brats interferig with my plans is absolute bull $&^#!!
However, I REFUSE to have any totally crazy behavior in my home when I'm in that beautiful state of being el preggo...
So, lay down the law first, let the dust settle, then get busy makin' baby.
tx gals!!!
good point
im rarely ever not in the mood and who cares if they think ur a bitch! but i agree! get thru this bs first.
"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin
I have nothing to add!
The rest of the girls already said everything I'd have said. There is no reason that YOU should ever have to make direct contact with BM, especially when she's treating you so badly. Sometimes BMs and SMs can enjoy a civil relationship or even a friendship and when that happens, it's great! But it's not always like this. You tried. She's not interested. Therefore, she's your husband's problem. As for the skids, they are your husband's problem, too, but as a co-parent in the household, you have every right to provide discipline when needed. Don't hold back.
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ANNE 8102 ♥ GEORGIA
I have nothing to add, but I
I have nothing to add, but I wanted to chime in and tell you my SD who is 8 is also a type 1 diabetic.
Hi, I think I
joined this one too late as everyone else has said everything I would've said as well. Like CG and SitaTara(I think she calls herself now, just kidding ST luv ya!!!) we all have BM's who are bi-polar. CG is much more "in touch" with the BM's needs, so to speak, than I ever was. I just always thought that one bitch act deserved another. Obviously the incorrect way to deal with her illness, though I must say that I didn't care either. This is not to say that you should take her crap, BUT you should let DH deal with her EVERY time. I made my mistake there, as I always thought that I could help the situation........pffftt. Right. Anyway, good luck and vent here as much as you need.........it certainly helped me!
Great advice
here so I can't add much but to say that your MAN needs to protect you from her. And if he isn't.........he's no man.