Child Support and Sexism
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I am a custodial stepmother to a 10 year old girl. BM, after fighting and fighting (and causing me and DH to spend thousands on lawyer fees) finally signed custody over.
What really fries me is that the court order doesn't require BM to pay ANY child support. It says BM will pay us $80/month IF SHE GETS A JOB.
This woman will NEVER get a job, and even if she did it would probably be something where she was getting paid under the table, and how would we know?
When BM had custody, DH was in college full time, and nonetheless paid over $100/wk in child support. He had to live off credit cards for four years so he could pay her.
Why are the courts so sexist? This order would NEVER have entered if it was the BM with custody!
Totally one sided
I agree. The courts are totally one sided, a perfect example would be that crazy Britney Spears. How many chances do you think the courts would have given a man that acted the same way? NOT ONE!
~Evil
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Confucius
According to my lawyer
Financial stuff is based on income that each party is capable of generating. If BM has no high school diploma, then it is harder for her to earn enough to support her kid. There's some sort of geometric progression that I can't recall exactly that sometimes makes it easier not to work too much.
Shoot, we need a lawyer on this site. All I know is that if she had a advanced degree in some lucrative field that that means that she is capable of making good money and that that would mean less money for her. Outside of that, one can have a disability physical or mental that could cause one not to be able to get it together. That is also considered.
These rules vary greatly depending on state.
I'm guessing that perhaps she does not have it together.
She definitely doesn't have
She definitely doesn't have it together. She dropped out of high school (though she still acts like she's in high school).
Right now she is paying $0 in child support. That would never fly if she was a man, I'm sorry.
In some way I guess its better that she not pay child support, because she'd probably be a real pain about it, and expect all kinds of extra time with SD if she was paying. As it is, she sees her EOW and still manages to be a horrible influence.
what a load of crap
If it was a guy you know for sure they'd be telling him to go out and get whatever job he could to support his child...what a crock...I really think men that really try get screwed by the system
Our BM
Has two degrees, but they didn't do CS based on her potential income (I had always heard that too.) Luckily, it's now based at least on her current income because when they divorced and DH was paying HER, CS was based on what she had earned working part time in nursing (about 11 K according to what she reported.) So DH was paying 500 bucks a month to her for shared custody, and we had her 60 percent of the time.
Now...we have her 80 percent of the time and BM only pays 360. She is capable of earning what DH does but oh well. Honestly I would have cared less if she paid or not, just having our 500 back a month made a huge difference for us.
Peace, love, and red wine
The thing that is really
The thing that is really frustrating, is we do SO MUCH for SD. And then she goes to her BM's EOW, and BM buys her really tight jeans, and sends her home in these skanky clothes. And SD will leave some of her clothes there because her cousins like them or because BM wants to borrow it (what an adult is doing borrowing clothes from a 10 year old is beyond me). And them, in SD's eyes, BM is a hero because she took her shopping and bought her the skanky jeans we wouldn't buy her.
Meanwhile, we're the ones spending hundreds of dollars and soccer camps and art camps and school clothes and school lunches and everything else the child has.
Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I know its all normal crap every SM deals with, but it sure is frustrating.
I hear you on the inappropriate clothes one...
SD complains already that she thinks boys stare at her chest. Ummm..she's only an A cup if that, but BM buys her tripple padded push up neon colored front hook t-strap so you see them through everything bras...
I want to immitate SD sometime by shoving my DD cups up to my throat, leaving a lacey hot pink bra sticking out of my two small unbottoned down to there shirt and say innocently, "WHY do men only look at my chest??????"
Please.
I have a better one though. BM gives SD her old lacey lingerie UNDERWEAR. They have ended up in my laundry. BM....who calls me fat....wears underwear the same size I do for some silly reason.
But...gross. Keep your damn underwear to yourself.
I think I should start sending something like that back a couple sizes smaller, and tell SD they're MY hand me downs that don't fit anymore since I've lost weight. See how BM feels about my SMALLER sized lacey sexy panties and MUCH larger cupped than hers bras in HER laundry!
Peace, love, and red wine
I'm Afraid
I'm afraid your just learning that you actually were the ones to lose in court. And I'm not talking money wise, but you'll be stuck with her daughter and at the end of the day, year, decade, she'll still think her mother is great no matter how bad she is. Its very probable she will end up back there, at least when she is older so by then you may be glad to see her go and had enough.
AND.....
Plus, add the fact that DH is now in graduate school, so everything is coming out of my income. And I'm pregnant (due in August), and all SD keeps saying is how much it sucks because we aren't going to have as much money to spend on her once the baby is here.
:jawdrop:
ewwww.
ewww ewww ewww about the underwear thing. that is so gross.
i guess i should count my blessings that we have custody. when BM sent SD home with padded bras, we took them away. and that was the end of that. that was about 2 years ago (because for some reason, BM thinkks 8 year olds need padded bras). SD came home after her weekend visit, also at age 8, with shaved legs. we put a stop to that as best we could. She comes home EOW with full-on make-up. For some reason, BM is just really pushing for her to grow up fast.
And as SD gets older (now 10) its harder to combat, because she's wanting to grow up fast too. ugh.
SD is 13
I may be old fashioned but I think that's still too young for push up bras. The interesting thing is that I had to get DH to call BM to take SD bra shopping originally (around 10 1/2) b/c she was starting to need them and BM wasn't doing it.
BM then turned around and "made" SD start shaving her legs at 10. That one stumped me. SD at the time would pick her skin compulsively and has scars all up and down her legs. You give that kid a razor before she really needs it?
Crazy crazy crazy...I think BM is trying to rush SD to grow up so they can be buddies. I truly believe that is all BM ever wanted with SD is to have a GF because she has no female friends.
Peace, love, and red wine
to be or not to be a real parent
Real parents choose to support their kids , no matter the gender.
we have a lawyer on this site(I am not telling who, not me) but even with them here , the law changes from state to state) AND being a lawyer is like being a dr, do you wnat the foot doctor to look at your eye when you have glass in it?LOL
We have had many a case in Memphis lately that awards the father CS OR allows them to get away with quiting their jobs and moving in with mom and saying, I can't pay, no money(I know a guy who actually did this and he was making over $90,000 a year , just to stick it to his exwife, same man who is lobbying for new laws to favor fathers , funny he has time for that, anyway , the tides they are a changing, PLUS when i divorced a new law came out about 4/5 years ago that did favor the fathers.
all this adi , do I think the BM in this case has right to sit on her patootie and not help support her child, heck no,as we say in Tennessee "Is you a parent or ain't cha?" LOL
"We don't understand life anymore at 40 then at 20, but we know it and admit it" Jules Renard
LOL, I knew I wouldn't get
LOL, I knew I wouldn't get any real answers here need2vent. I just felt like complaining.
I'm the same Jess
I'm also a custodial stepmom to 2 stepdaughters (ages 10 & 6). I have been in there life close to 3 years. No child support for the first two then we went in for mediation and ended up with a small amount each month (around $300). We ended up spending a lot more to pay the attorney to mediate but we had other issues to work out also so we threw in the child support while there.
It is hard. I make more money than DH but in the end I do pay more for SD's. There are days I resent it (I also have a BD). I feel like my BD should be getting more but in the end all 3 girls are well adjusted and I did choose this life. I love them all, it doesn't ever get "easy" but it's so nice to know there are others like me. Oh yeah - please pm me if you ever need to complain. I spend a fortune on clothes and BM buys one little thing and it's worn every day until it literally falls apart. Frustrating as hell but know that it's sad for the kids - they want for BM to be normal and for that one minute she takes them shopping and buys that one inappropriate item they feel like she really loves them like a real mom should... in the end your SD will know what all you did for her. She probably already does
Good luck Jess.
Thanks Stepmom_C. I may
Thanks Stepmom_C.
I may take you up on the PM-ing thing.