How too handle discipline with a step child.
So this is my first post to this site so I am still browsing the contents but it has been very helpful thus far. A little history in regards to my paticular siuation. I have two childern, one step-daughter 7 and a biological son who is 3. As of recent I am noticign an increasing difficulty when it comes to discipling my daughter. My other half is increasingly standing up for her on simple issues such as keeping her room tidy or just simply when I tell her no. This has never been a probelm up until now. I have been with her mom and her for 5 and 1/2 years now and her bio father has absolutley nothing to do with her since the very beginning. This has been the topic of a number of arguments between her mother and I. My main issue is not the fact that her mother disagrees with my decision but simply the fact that she does it in front of our daughter. Am I wrong to think that this is the wrong way to handle things? Am I stepping over my boundries here?
Any advice would be helpful.
The site is great keep up the excellent work..
Sincerely
Cmorr
I would
talk to your SO when the kids aren't around about this. I had the same problem with my BD and my fiancee, she tried to pull the "you're not my dad so you can't tell me what to do" act. Her dad really hasn't been around either and I think thats part of it. But I back my fiancee up when he asks her to do something and back him when she needs to be disciplined. If I disagree I wait until kids aren't around to discuss things with him. His son doesn't listen to me at all so I let him deal with his son alone, I won't help care for a spoiled kid. But it took my daughter months to get used to a "father figure" being around and telling her what to do...if mom doesn't want to back you up let her deal with her daughter...you should read the thread about disengaging..it may help you out!
Good Luck
give it to your spouse
If your spouse undermines your authority in front of the child, I would talk to her about that privately and explain that you need to be a team, like Sixxn said. If spouse will not do that, I would let her deal with any problems or issues that arise, and you go on about your own business and away from SD until it directly affects you or your other child.
Sorry, but this is just a bump in the road, her understanding will come . . .
"Fortune favors the brave" - Virgil
Thanks
Thanks for the feedback all that the approach i have been tryinh to take we will see how it works out.. Thanks again!!!
5 and a half years??
with her?? That makes SD little more than a baby when you started in their lives? You call her your daughter which is lovely. Is this something new that has started? I would think if you have been there this long, the little girl would think of you as her dad, am I right? Sorry for all the questions but it seems strange this far down the road and the fact that you have been there for her for so long, that mum would disagree now.
My theory with my long road and final success would be that I stood up and told my SS and DH, that if I can not be a parent when the rules are handed out then I can not be part of SS when he wants, needs or asks for something. For me it's all or nothing. I will not be there to do pick ups and shop runs and cook and clean, if I can't tell SS to turn off a light he switched on or tell him it's time for a shower. So off i went and hid from them both when he was here and that made my DH listen.
Obviously since you live with SD it's a little difficult to do that. But same goes really, you can't do all the nice dad things and not the bad ones too can you? I don't like it when my DH constantly picks on my BS and I tell him so, I monitor BS's behaviour and decide if he deserves Dh to go off on him, if I disagree, I tell DH later and he usually understands &/or apologises. Good luck, but it's mum who needs to see what she is doing, she is helping your daughter see she can play you off against each other and this will make her behaviour with you worse.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
Liked your post CplStv
Have to say, I liked your attitude of "Not Yours". Being in a blended family is tough enough without all parties involved setting up too many boundaries...All for one, One for all, right?
Nice to see SF post like this one. Just proves that all Steps whether Moms or Dad's just want to be respected and acknowledged and are not just a "convenience".
Well Said.
Sometimes I have to bite my tongue
Sometimes I have to bite my tongue when hubby scoulds one our children and gives a punishment that I don't agree with, but, we also had the discussion of not challenging authority in front of the kids.
Our kids are older and they know what mom will say yes to and what dad will say yes to, so they figure it out quickly.
I'm sure you will find a way to deal with this issue with you SO, before it becomes a major deal., Keep us informed on how it goes.
Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!
How we work...
Well I am the Biological mother and my daughter had just turned 4 when my husband was introduced into our lives. It took about a year for us to get things straight, but it took everyone's cooperation in the matter to include the Biological dad. My daughter tried the your not my dad bull crap and her dad found it amusing and fine, but I put a quick hault to the situation. We all sat down (despite our likes and dislikes) and discussed the roles we would each play in discipline. I did have to stand up big time for my husband, but soon the my daughter's father realized the importance of our roles when he found himself in my husband's situation with his girlfriend. After we worked out the "this and thats" of everything we sat down with Alicia and told her that yes he is not your dad, but he is an adult and you will respect him as such. She has learned "yes ma'am, yes sir" and it has transitioned into school and other situations in which other adults are present. It was a very rough transition, but a wonderful learning experience.
My husband and I will have our own, and we do have more strict standards than the standards set for my first. Since we agreed on certain standards My husband and I will be more strict with ours due to our agreement in beliefs. Unfortunately the children will be treated a little differently, but working together with all parties is more important than small differences in parenting.
Onto having biological siblings in the house with step kids, well we have that as well
Things are running very smoothly especially since rules from home to home are nearly the same as my daughter goes back and forth she doesn't have to worry about is that ok here, but not there....
Good luck!
Yep...
I agree with the above! You are right!
HELP!
My husband and I have custody of his twelve year old son. The reason for this is because his mother could not handle his behavior problems. His behavior is leaps and bounds better then when he first came to live with us over a year ago because of my husbands discipline and our unity. My husband is very supportive of respecting me and he backs me up no matter what! Recently, my husband left out of state for work handling insurance adjusting for the hurricanes. He may be gone for some time. Because he is the one who normally disciplines my stepson when needed, he has been very defiant. Today he "ran away" because he "hated me and didn't want to live with me". I need some suggestions on how to handle him but also keep my household from being terrorized by his actions. I have two other small children that I don't want thinking this is acceptable behavior.....anyone?
HELP!!!
I have been raising my stepson for 6 years now, he just turned 12. His father tells him that I'm not his mother and tells me in front of him that he doesn't have to listen to me and I have no right to tell him what to do. My SS and I had a close relationship until recently when my husband and I really started having troubles. My husband is out of the house for the second time for emotional abuse this time and from day one of his father being gone he has disrespected me, mouthed off to me, said things to me that his father would say, and keeps telling me to take care of myself because that's all I care about (another one of daddy's things). I have a 3 year old son who is my biological son and my husband is his father too. Well the SS says that I'm only a good mother to his little brother (another one of his daddy's sayings).
My husband has said he didn't want to work on our marriage. DHR is involved in the abuse case with my SS and his father. I have a job offer that I accepted in another state. My husband said he'd put his son in foster care before he would let him go with me. The SS will more than likely be taken away anyways. My SS says you're leaving and you don't care about me. Which I've explained over and over again that's not the case. I try to explain that this environment is not healthy for anyone and if his dad doesn't want to work things out I can't force him too. I've told him that if I could take him with me I would, but I know I can't. I said I'm not leaving because I'm mad at you.
My husband isn't here to be emotionally abusive, but my SS takes over where his dad left off. Don't get me wrong it's not near as bad as his father, but it's enough to make me very angry with him and it's hard to stay calm.
I need to get out of this situation with his father and I don't want my son to grow up thinking this is the way a marriage is supposed to be and this is how he's supposed to treat his mother.
How do I get through to my stepson and get him to stop being so disrespectful to me?
help please!!!!!!!!!!!!
i have been with my husban almost 3 years... We have 9 children i hd 6 and we got custody of his three.. the range from 17 to 5... When i first got with him is youngest daughter cried all the time and he had his other to give into everything she wanted... you so much as look at her and she cried... my husbans job took him out of town a week gone and a week home.. i had surgery and it didnt go well my daughter helped wash her hair and she started to just whine again... i kept my mounth shut for a year the tress i was under with this... then i broke and its been well over a year and she has got better but still same .... it has cause major conficts with all the kids..they are always telling her to stop or always mad or in bad moods cuz of the whinning... And also me to i cry or just in bad mood... And also it would take her 3 hours to eat at dinner...so anyways we took her to a hypnothyripsit and she said that she holds more respect for me thatn the real mom but in her mind she wants to c my husban and her real mom together and me be on the side lines.. when this began she was 3 and now she is 5 and half and it is still going on...my husban says he will let her go befor me ,,,, but he wont and im fed up...the 3 are going with there mother for the summer and i dont want the 2 to go but cant wait fr he to,,,, and i feel so bad about that... but i dont have one kid i have 9.... No one will even share a room with her cuz of the whinning.... what do i do.. at this moment i want to leave..... he is gone 14 days out of the month and im here everyday... i went back to work for the break its not helping... Should i leave.. it is going to come down to me or her.. and thats y i want to lleave cuz i cant let him choose..... please help me...
You have every right to be
You have every right to be upset. That undermines your ability to discipline and it's wrong. You need to show a united front.