My current relationship did start out as an affair and my boyfriend in the beginning had no intentions of leaving his wife. Things progressed in our relationship and we really fell hard for each other, very unexpectedly. I knew he was married and he had 3 children and had to stop and ask myself, "Did i really want to get my heart broken in this situation?" Wife did find out about me (but she was seeing others as well) she freaked!!! So anyway, he moved out of house and was staying with friends, but going home occasionally to see kids and what not. Then moved out permanantly and filed for divorce. I was the almighty "HOMEWRECKER". The one that made my boyfriend's ex ask him "Is she worth it?" The one that had my boyfriends mother calling him screaming that he better not abandon those children!!! The one that the ex bad mouthed to the kids on a daily basis. The one that the ex would ask "Is she prettier than me?" It was an explosive part of my boyfriend and I's relationship and a true test to say the least! He got his kids every other weekend just with an agreement with the ex (nothing signed legally). After a year of dating my boyfriend and I moved in together. I was still in college and after I graduated my boyfriend filed for joint custody of his 3 kids. We have his kids every other week, 50/50 with ex. This entire situation was a huge RESPONSIBILITY. I went from graduating college student, future R.N. to a girlfriend and step-mother of 3 overnight. It was alot to handle. It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't change my experiences for the world! My boyfriend's children when I first met them were 5 yr old son (clone of his father), and two 1 yr old beautiful twin little girls. I love those kids more than anything in the world! They are not my flesh and blood, but they are everything to me. It's hurtful, don't get me wrong when I see how poorly the ex cares for those kids. She is an evil, miserable human being. And I'm not just saying that bc she is my man's ex-wife, I'm saying it bc everyone that knows her says the same. But, now after 2 years together (kids and all) this is my life and I plan on marrying this man one day (and his children.) And although I want to scratch the dreaded ex's eyes out when I see her, and send those kids back when they misbehave or have gotten on my last nerve, I try to make the most of it. He/She who angers you, controls you. I refuse to let that happen. So good luck with your relationship! If you're like me it is an unbelievably bumpy ride, but incredibly worth it in the end!

I was looking 4 the solution to the same problem, but mine is an affiar and i need to get out because its emotionally tireing and depressing.

after breaking up with my boyfriend who i have a child with i suddenly fell in love or rather i say i was attracted to this guy i work with and we started kissing and hugging and cuddling for about 5 months b4 we eventually engage in sex it was a nice feeling at that moment and as he is married or sort of he is staying with his girlfriend for like 7 years and they have 2 children. Now suddenly when i felt guilty of what we were doing i told him 2 stop he refused and told me that he want me and want to have a future with me he want to leave his sort of wife and be with me.

this thing went on for like 1 year 6 months now and everytime i want us to stop he tells me that he loves me and that he has found some happiness with me and he want a future with me and on the other hand i have tried to manipulate him to leave his wife but he all the time tell me that he cannot afford to be with me because we have to find a place for ourselves and that we all cannot afford at the moment so we should rather get rid of our little debt so we can afford to get a house together, i love this guy and know what i am doing by being with him is not right and now i feel in my heart and my soul that this thing will never work because everytime he tells me about his family or children i get so very hurt i am not sure if maybe i am jeolous or what but is the feeling i have. I told him many times that i want to be with him that i want a future with him but he does not respond much all he tells me is that it will happen and we must not be in a hurry. because the main thing is that he is still leaving with his wife he goes to her everyday when he is not with me, we spend more time together but i still feel that something is not clicking between me and him because i think if he says he loves me that much he should have left his wife long ago to be with me and also that he should make a plan for us to find a place to stay. I feel very sad and hurt because i know i love this guy very much or maybe i think i love him but what hurt me most is that he cannot make a clear decision to come live with me because he says he does not love his wife anymore and that he does not have any feelings for her anymore and that they are not having sex anymore and all that i find it very hard to believe because my question is how can u stay all this time with somebody you don't feel anything for?. last year we agreed that this year we should find a place to stay but when i hear from his talking i feel like i do not feature in his future and i have asked him many times where our relationship is only for sex and everytime he declare to love me.

the question is , how to handle all this, is this thing gonna ever work if maybe i should prepare myself for the disappointment, does he really loves me, if so why does it takes him so long to want to live with me.

I know this thing has started as an affair with a married man, but it all started as aflirt and one thing lead to another until it grew so big. the moments i am happy with him are very few because most of the time we arque about whether we should continue with this or what and everytime i tell him to leave this thing he beg me very hard and because i feel i love him i eventually give up agree to stay with him even if he goes back to her everyday when we are not together.

since last december i have lost a little bit hope i had os being with him and everytime somethings tell me to stop everything and come out of this misery. when the days goes by it all come back to me that i realise that he will never leave his wife so as for all the people who have told me before, but sometimes i tell myself that maybe he will, i want to stop this thing and i think i need all the strength i can get or some advice of what i may do about all this mess. there is so much i can say about this realtionship, like ven that he is so jeolous or rather obsessed about the friendship i have with other guys and i don't think its healthy, at some point i think i know all the answer to solve this thing or that i know what the solution is but i don't have the courage or maybe i need the reassurance that this thing will work or not before i take action, but my instinct tells me to end all this.

could anyone please help, or refer me to where i can get help, because sometimes i can feel that i am so depressed about all this.

thank you.

I walked in to my first marraige with this statement- "We love each other, we are in love with each other. If there is ever a time when that love isn't enough for you, then you need to be adult enough to tell me. If we can't make it work, then we need to end it. There is no reason for you to cheat." Needless to say, he cheated, I left. With my now fiance, we both said the same thing. With him being deployed now, trust is a major issue. Especially after what happened with my ex. I don't think that there is any excuse for anyone to cheat. If you are so unhappy that you are thinking of turning to someone else for comfort, maybe you should talk to your SO. If you have tried that, and nothing has changed, then you need to be mature and get out of the relationship. Just my two cents.

i too had an affair with a married man, at first we only talked on the phone, then we fell in love. He lives in New Mexico, and travels a lot with his job as he's in industrial construction, he has no kids with his wife, claimed to not know why he even married her, told me how much he loved me and wanted to be with me, but he had to be careful because she would take everything away from him. I bought it, then all of a sudden, he stops calling me and taking my calls. Question is, should i call her or not? I'm not vindictive, but I feel very used and stupid at this time. The breakup of the relationship hurt, but not as much as realizing he's not the man I thought he was.

Any ideas?

i had an affair with friend and colleague that i knew 5 yrs before. both now divorced but my 3 children aged 12, 15, 16 all girls will not have anything with my boyfriend. how can i move on to marriage.

My relationship started as an affair with my boyfriend almost 4 years ago. It was no walk in the park but I would not change anything about it. I was raised in a great family. My parents are still married after 36 years and I was taught that family is the most important thing you have in this world. I was 25, living on my own, a college graduate and working full time when I met him. I actually knew him many years ago and ironically ran into him several years later at the mall. I knew he was married and he asked how I was and gave me his card to casually to get together for lunch or something. Neither one of us knew it was going to lead into a full blown relationship but it did. It did not even turn physical until almost 6 months later. It was more of an emotional relationship than anything and I think they are more damaging than a sexual one. He has a child with his ex wife and he moved out when the child was only 4 months old because she found out he was having an affair. I truly believe he wanted to leave but given the situation I knew he was stuck between a rock and a hard shell. I know she despises me and probably always will but that has not stopped us from continuing our relationship. I think each day things get easier, especially now that she is getting married and the child is going on 4 years old. I get along with his child so well and I know the child cares for me. She goes home and tells her mom all the time and then she will call my boyfriend and tell him that certain things we do together are hurtful to her and so on. He will live with a lot of guilt but I know that time will eventually heal everything. I do not ever want to be friends with his ex wife but would like to be civil for the child's sake. They did not ask for any of this. I think it is important to maintain a stable and ground relationship in all aspects. I know I will always be known as the homewrecker but the only thing I can continue to do is be good to their daughter and treat her as is she were my own. I already think I have proven myself because she knows he would not still be with me if I was this terrible person. Looking back I honestly would not change anything because I love my boyfriend very much but if given the chance in the future I would not recommend this to anyone. Each situation is different but the demolition and hurt and pain is something that noone should ever have to go through. Like I said before this wasn't easy and wasn't fun but in the end it was well worth it to me. I think everything happens for a reason and if it's meant to be it will be! I do not like to be judged given the circumstances but I know it is what I signed up. It has been almost 4 years and we are still going strong.......

Sorry to bring back such an old thread, but I just found this site and I felt compelled to post here.

I met my BF at work like many others. We were just friends for a long time, then it turned physical. I feel madly in love with him almost right away. I always knew that he was the one person I would change my entire life for. This carried on for 3 years, we were both married. Finally, my husband read my email and found us out. At the time, his wife was pregnant, but he left her to be with me anyways. We caught so much crap for that. We deserved it, but still, it was rough. He has three kids, 3, 20 months and 7 months. We have been living together for a year now and for someone who never wanted kids, having 3 babies around has been a huge and difficult adjustment.

I often feel so guilty about not liking that I have to give up my hard earned money and every weekend to be with these little kids. He had to get a second job because the CS was just killing us, so I never see him and I miss him. I count my blessings that the kids are young enough not to really understand what is going on, and that his ex isn't nearly as crazy as she probably could be. But I still often resent them and the time he has to spend away from me. I want to thank you all for posting your experiences, it feels good to know I am not alone in my struggles.

"Don't believe any of what you hear, and only half of what you see." Not sure of the attribute on either cliche, but when you are "the other woman," APPLY THEM. You must decide if what you are getting from the relationship is sufficient for your happiness. Decide by your lover's deeds (not his words) whether he intends to leave his marriage or not. Talk is cheap (another cliche!) and unless he follows up words with action, he is either (i) not sincere in his feeoings about you; or (ii) doesn't have the courage to make a change in his life to include you on a legitimate and permanent basis.

Excuses are just that...bullshit, lame excuses! A man who truly and deeply loves you and feels you are meant to be his companion will behave as such. He will want to be with you and make your relationship real.

My story has a happy ending. My current boyfriend and I began our relationship as an affair. We didn't set out to fall in love. He was unhappily married (since my definition of "happy" marriages don't include trolling around on the Internet for conversation and companionship) and I was recently divorced. We met for a few "harmless" drinks one night when I got stood up by another guy and his wife was out of town. But after that night, we both believed in love at first sight. From that moment on, we were deeply connected and our love continues to grow even though it has been almost a year since that night. We both agree that our first marriages didn't even include love at all, if how we feel about each other was how we were SUPPOSED to feel all along. Wow.

R (the bf) and I were successful due to frequent honest check-ins with each other. We set a 6-month deadline for dating him, after which we would end the affair if he had not decided to leave his marriage. Neither of us wanted to be permanent cheaters and we got NO thrill or adrenaline rush from the secrecy. We hated the lies and deception. But he couldn't leave a 17-year marriage and two teenage kids on a whim, nor did I want him to. We both agreed to see what would/could happen between us first. As we hit road bumps along the way, we always talked them out and came to agreement or compromise in a loving manner. Neither of us ever doubted that we were supposed to be together.

The night before the six-month mark, he emailed me a copy of the letter he had written to his wife, explaining the affair, how it came to be, all of the negatives of their life together that had led to that point, the unhappiness he had experienced in the marriage, his sorrow for the affair and for being unable to make her happy, and his request to end the marriage so they could both pursue their happiness and care for their children in the best possible manner. He described me and explained he was in love with me in a way he unfortunately had not been with her, and that he apologized for the hurt this would cause her. It was moving to the point of tears and made me realize what a truly unique man I had been blessed to meet. His words were full of kindness and compassion and sadness. His complete and total honesty about the affair and the events before and after it allowed us to move forward in a way that was appropriately remorseful but not apologetic. The ensuing transition period was not easy for any of us, but he never wavered in his behavior or decision. It was the consistency of his ACTIONS, not the words he told me, that gave me the peace of mind that we would remain together and pursue a happy path.

He was also straightforward with all of his friends, family and even the children. He put it simply and sincerely: "Yes, we had an affair while I was still married. We are not proud of how we began, but we are deeply in love with one another and very happy together...happier than either of us has ever been. I love P(me) very much and know that eventually, if you give her an honest chance, you will come to love her as much as I do. She is a great person." His faith in us and our relationship, and his bold and confident statement of his feelings for me, allowed those who loved him to learn to love and accept me sooner.

I will be forever grateful for the manner in which he chose to handle our situation. There is an enormous shame and burden of guilt associated with being "the other woman" - that most despised of heathens, the homewrecking whore of marital mythology. Every "other woman" is just a woman inside, full of love for a man who may or may not have her best interests at heart. My man showed me through his actions - leaving his marriage in a truthful and respectful manner after a disrespectful sequence of events - that he did not want me to bear this stigma or shame. He wanted us to be a real couple, and at every step of the way, his actions proved that to me.

If your married lover isn't doing the same things mine did, leave him at once. He is only using you for his own gratification. The price is too high to pay if you don't get true love and happiness when all is said and done.

Sometimes people with integrity nonetheless do have affairs, but they make them right as soon as they can and let the healing process begin for everyone.