Help!! I don't know what to do
I am a 51yr old male. I am posting because my adult stepson (lost his father at 15) of 31 that is an alchoholic moved in 4yrs ago and he won't move out. His Mother is an enabler and I can't take it any more. I have lost a good job, had a motorcycle accident and various other issues over this idiot because the relationship between him and his mother is not right. She enables him and lets him run the house and he doesn't pay anything to live here. I want to leave but I can't afford to pay for two places and the bills. I have tried to talk to my wife but it's allways a fight. The lies my god, I wish my wife would tell me the truth I don't even know what is true, thats what enabling someone does to you. Please give me some advice. I am at a total lost
RUN... don't walk... RUN!!
There has to be a way.... don't let NO be an option.... there IS a way. Even if that means moving into a crappy place while you get back on your feet.... swallow your pride and just do what you have to do to get out of there.
Your wife is not going to change.... if she is an enabler and allows her adult son to act as he does and sees nothing wrong with it.... she is not going to wake up one day and magically see whats wrong with this picture.
I really don't mean to be harsh, I feel for you, I really do.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"If nothing changes, nothing changes".
Think about it.
I agree with these girls.
If she hasn't seen the light yet, she's not likely to see it any time soon. Take inventory right now of what you have already lost, how much more you stand to lose and what you might gain by starting over. Think of it this way... your life is half over. How much more of it do you want to waste?
Do you and your wife own your home? Are both your names on the deed? If the house is just in your name, then EVICT HIM. She can either go with him or not, her choice. If it's in both names, then contact a lawyer to find out what your options are and how best to proceed. A little money on a good lawyer now will save you loads of $$$ later on.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
Intervention?
SPCuda, I'm assuming this is a problem for you because you really love your wife and don't want to leave her even though she has this huge issue with her son. If you didn't love her, the decision would be easier right?
My first inkling is, as an adult, you must be able to take some recourse against him for the things he does. Can you have him removed from your home? Has he done anything illegal you can use to have him removed? It may seem harsh at first and your wife may blow up over it, but let the law be the "bad guy."
Does your wife have other family or friends who see these problems in her life? Can they join you in confronting her? Joining a local Al-Anon might help you form a base of people who can help you confront your wife's co-dependency (omg, I hate psychobabble, but that's what it is).
I wish you all the best. There is so much pain in the way you've written your post - even desperation. This goes beyond a step issue to an abuse of trust and of your generousity.
Take care.
Blueberry's Baby
It's YOUR home, not his!
BEEN THERE DONE THAT!
Anne's advice is right on. If the home you reside in is in your name, or held jointly with your wife, you can have the freeloader evicted. Just play your cards right. Do your homework before you take action.
If freeloader has ever paid rent, you may have to give a formal 30 or 60-day termination notice. If he has never paid rent and your wife can't fake that he has, then you just give him notice, call the police, and change the locks. Get a truck and put all his stuff in storage if necessary. If he doesn't pay the storage bill, his stuff will be auctioned off at three months. His choice.
When the police come to evict the freeloader, one of the first questions they will ask is "Does he pay rent?" That will determine if they can legally kick him out. Have your home deed ready to show the police in case they ask who owns the house. In fact, contact the police beforehand and ask what documentation they might need before you take action.
The point here is, why should you leave your own home that you pay for? Kick the freeloader out and his mom can move out with him if she wants.
I married into 5 adult skids, and we've had to "set free" (evict) three of them over the years, both with and without police intervention. You can do it.
Why would you have to pay for two places?
What am I missing here? Why would you have to pay for two places? Get a lawyer, get a separation agreement, sell the house and MOVE. She can move with her son - lets see how long she likes supporting a freeloader without your income.
Legal Counsel
I know if I do any thing as rash as evicting him it will be over between my wife and me, which it probably is already. I know she is just dragging me along and telling me anything I want to hear, like I want him out too. When I tell her to give him a time limit she gets mad at me and brings my family into the fight. I did make a mistake years ago by letting her handle the finances so now i have no way of paying for any legal counsel, which I need very badly. I don't think there is any way to save this marriage. There is no respect in this household for anyone now and I need to get out. I just wish I could talk to someone so I can get my head straight. I don't know what to do!! I am no good at this type of stuff, sneaking around. Please advise me and thank you for all your help.
"I am no good at this type
"I am no good at this type of stuff, sneaking around." What ever you are trying to say I am not getting it. See an attorney and get the first consultation free. Its time to rattle their cage and why sneak around about it? I would be telling them and the world the party is over so get the x out.