I think SD may win after all
I am so tired and frustrated and ready to give up. My husband refuses to parent SD14, and that doesn't work so well for me since she lives with us.
He and I fought last night and I left the house with our BDs (4 and 1). I came back in time to put them to bed.
SD14 lied to husband and BM to get to play club volleyball. BM called husband and chewed him out for 30 minutes because he told SD (before she tried out) that he could not take her to practices (an hour away in BM's town) more than once a month. She lied and told BM he would take her. BM says he needs to put SD first (even though we have two other kids).
So, after knowing she lied and manipulated, I come home last night and she is laying on the couch with a friend, watching TV. Just the night before the house was in an uproar, and that morning husband said he hadn't slept all night because of the issues with BM and SD. So why the HELL did he let her have a friend over, like everything was just fine?
I was fed up. He can't parent this child. Then he had the nerve to tell me that I was the cause of the problem. The counselor told us the only way our marriage would survive was if I let him be completely responsible for SD (including discipline). But he doesn't discipline, and it is driving me crazy. She continues to manipulate and get her way.
I give up.
Elizabeth, I disagree with your therapist.
The only way your marriage is going to survive is if you and your DH get on the same page regarding discipline. You have to have the right to enforce rules in your own home. You have the right to not raise your young girls in chaos. You have the right to be treated with respect by both the SD and your DH. You have the right to expect your husband to back you up.
If he is so passive when it comes to discipline, then you guys need to institute a self-disciplining behavior plan. You and DH decide on what the house rules will be. You and DH decide on what the consequences will be for breaking the rules. Then you and DH agree to commit 100% to enforcing the behavior plan. You and DH communicate the plan to the children. You and DH post the behavior plan in a conspicuous place in your home. Then when a rule gets broken, you/DH take kid to consult the behavior plan and find out what the punishment is for the infraction. This places the responsibiilty on the kid to behave and lets "the behavior plan" be your DH's scapegoat, since he seems to not want to be the "bad guy."
But no, I don't agree that you should not be able to discipline all of the children in your home. I think that was horrible advice. And the proof of that is that IT'S NOT WORKING. Time to try something else.
~ Anne ~
"Adjust on the fly, or you're going to cry."
Steve Doocy, The Mr. and Mrs. Happy Handbook
I think what the therapist
I think what the therapist mean't was that you have to not only allow DH to discipline but be alright with the fact that he doesn't discipline.
Do you think you could live in the house with SD and not care at all about how she turns out? I know I would have a hard time with that but some SM's don't seem to mind.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe you should just not say anything to DH or SD unless it is something that affects you directly. KWIM? Like if SD lies and still gets to go to basketball. Won't it be DH and BM who have to deal with the consequences of that? DH will have to do the driving, he'll have to deal with the spoiled child that get her way all the time, not you. It won't affect you directly other than you'll do without DH for that night.
Things that affect you would be if she were to hurt one of your children or if she crossed a boundry that you had set up(I'd set up a few of them, not many, but enough to get you through the day to day living of someone like her). Then you would have the right to go to her father and insist that he correct her.
But things that don't affect you directly. Do you think you could detach from how she turns out?
So, practice is an hour
So, practice is an hour away. That's two hours of driving a night. Plus however long the practice is, usually an hour and a half, two hours. So, lets say four hours a night for this practice that SD manipulated everyone in to. DH gets off work at 5, leaves right away for the school, and gets home at 9. By then, probably exhausted, ate fast food on the way there or back, and is ready for bed. When does he find time to spend with his younger two daughters and his wife? Practices usually run three nights a week, so basically he is going to abandon his family to appease his brat of a daughter? Why did he get married and have more kids again?
I understand
what you are saying, wildlife. I guess I am just finding that very hard to do. How do I draw the line about what affects me? For example, husband and BM were yelling at each other over the phone for half an hour, with me and two BDs in the next room. Oldest BD (4) kept trying to tell daddy not to yell, and I kept having to draw her attention away.
Then, husband didn't sleep all night because he was so upset with the situation, and he talked to me about it. Wanted to know what he should do. I know what I would do if it was BD, but of course I am the one who disciplines her as well.
This affects me in that it is my money that will put gas in the car, and my household that is turned upside down every time SD lies (which gets more and more frequent as husband does NOT discipline her for it).
I agree with Anne that this situation is not working, but husband is clinging desperately to it as a way to maintain control and make me responsible for the problem. Even his parents (my in-laws) agree with me that he does not discipline SD and that is the root of the problem. But can't get him to see that, no matter what...
I don't know what to do, and I hate feeling helpless.
Let him
suffer the consequences - either drive/spend a ridiculous amount or stand up to and call out his child for lying. Don't help him out of it! That is the only way he will learn. If you bail him out nothing will change.
Beauty is truth, truth beauty - that is all ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. John Keats
I would plead your case based on....
your other two children. Realistically, everything that happens in that house is an example for them. Have you put it to him that way? Does he know about the reaction your 4 year old has to the fights he has with SD? I don't know if it will help, but I would appeal to his sense of what's right for your other two children. And if he will listen, I agree that you have got to be involved to some degree in the disciplining of this child. If he is not around, you have to have the authority to stop misbehavior. BUT, this will only work if DH will back you up, and it sounds like THAT is your biggest challenge.
Best of luck and keep us posted.
Update, not good news
I am a depressing mix of mad, frustrated, and hopeless today. Husband left the house at 9:15 last night to pick up SD from volleyball practice. Then got up early this morning to take her to school because she claimed she didn't have a ride. She's supposed to take the bus. Our BDs haven't seen him for more than 30 minutes at a stretch since Sunday. I'm starting to wonder if it wouldn't be better for all of us to call it quits. What's the point?
Sorry
that you are going through so much. I understand. I have been reading a book called 90 Minutes in Heaven. It has kind of helped me to be grateful for a lot of things however, with your little ones it may be hard for you to find the time to read. I think your biggest point is your children. We all just have to write out the pros and cons. Time is a big healer I do know that, I don't have children with my BF. That makes the question of calling it quits a little easier. I guess. I am just trying to give it some time because one consistant thing that we can all count on is that change does happen. One way or another change does happen. How long does volley ball go?
I'm wondering why she thinks
I'm wondering why she thinks the world revolves around her....and also why dad can't say "NO" Honey thats too far away to go to, find an activity closer to home.
SD needs to feel some pain here somewhere..playing sports is great, but an hour away?
This should never have started. Hubby neeeds to grow some b*lls.
My wife is also unable to use the word 'NO' often.
Too bad all three of you can't go to some sort of useful counseling....good luck
Have you told your DH you
Have you told your DH you are thinking of calling it quits, Elizabeth? I wonder if it would make a difference.
You have been turning yourself inside out over this. It's time to make a stand, don't you think? You deserve happiness and so do your children.
I'm sorry things have gotten so bad. I just hate to see a teenager hurt so many people. She should never have been given that power to begin with. I'm afraid I agree with crazyinga. DH needs to wake up and grow some balls and remember that other people are involved in this too.
He knows
I am on the edge. The problem is, I really don't think he cares. My mother says I need to tell him to move out. He is so stubborn and bullheaded (his mother's words) that he will cut off his nose to spite his face. He says he wants me to be part of the family, but his actions say otherwise. And his actions are what sticks.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like a piece of paper that has been wadded up and stomped on. You can unwad it and smooth it out, but it will never be the same whole piece of paper it once was.
Elizabeth
You will find a way to be whole again. Lots of people go through the fire and come out the other end just fine. You will too. You are in a trial right now and it's hard but you will be stronger and better for it in the end.
I'm sending hugs and hope to you and your children.
FWIW, I understand where your husband is coming from in some ways. It's hard to discipline your child when you know that all they have to do is go running to the other parent and play the two households. So many of us go through that. Nevertheless, it is still necessary for the parent to be responsible and set limits and parent as best they can anyway. If the child goes to the other parent, so be it. At least you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I am doing right by my child".