take a time out from the marriage & re-evaluate the situation?

Sometimes you just have to chalk things up to a "mistake". Maybe with some time alone you can figure things out for yourself. Your first and foremost (IMO)responsibility is to your son. If your current situations makes you unhappy and miserable you can't be the best parent to your child.

Hope this helps.

My heart goes out to you Gabby.

I was involved with a lady for almost 4 years whose kids showed all the signs of Oppositional Defiance Disorder. We lived together for 2 1/2 years. Unilke your husband though, my ex gf was in denial and would not get help or even admit there could be anything wrong with her boys. It wears a family out dealing with that additional level of stress day in and day out. I know my ex gf never understood the fact I felt like I was walking on pins and needles just waiting for the next temper tantrum.

I have since read a lot about ODD and there are a lot of resources for your child as well. There are two books -- "The Explosive child" and "The Defiant Child" -- I bought those at Barnes & Noble. There are also books that explain bipolar and OCD. Most of them have action plans on ways to deal with the behavior.

There are also support groups -- I joined an online support group for kids/step parents with ODD. Sometimes being able to vent helps so that you don't feel like you are alone. God, it was awful near the end when my daughter got to the point of not wantng to come over because of the boys tantrums and the ex gf just kept turning a blind eye to their behavior. Add that to the fact that my father passed away in April and they kept throwing temper tantrums so that I was unable to grieve for the passing of my father, and our relationship was doomed.

I broke up with her rather than to continually deal with it when she refused to get them evauated and see if they needed help. Her ex husband (and his fiance at the time) also told her they thought tey needed help. So it just wasn't me. My understanding is that her kids are continuing to get worse -- behavior that used to be only at home has now spread to school -- one of her twin 10 year old boys threw a screaming, cussing temper tantrum at the music teacher at school; both of them are sucking their thumbs now (not just one). So maybe the school district is mandatng that she gets them treatment now. I hope so.

If its not treated the odds are it gets worse. The material I read seems to indicate that it all can be handled. Medication can be an answer, especially if he needs "a calming." The bright spot is that doctors are aware of these conditions now and can help you and your husband find an answer.

The last thing I would say is that one of the final straws that made me leave was the effect it had on my daughter. It was making her life miserable and she didn't want to come and stay with me. Whether I like my ex wife or not, she has been very gracious and kind and didn't try and terminate my visitation over the continual behavioral problems the ex gfs kids had. Yes, I said it that way because thats the point it was reaching -- a decision between my gf's kids or my daughter. Unlike your husband though, my ex gf was just oblivious to the fact that 2-3 hour screaming tantrums; breaking things; slamming doors; and physically threatening behavior was age inappropriate.

Your step child is sick. Both of you recognize that fact. You are getting him help which might make the difference.

Make sure you spend time for yourself and for the both of you as a married couple. I remember as temper tantrum after temper tantrum rocked our house how each little tantrum destroyed the love and desire I had for my ex gf. One of the last things I told her was that a couple had to have respect -- not getting them treatment when she knew the temper tantrums hurt me and my daughter was showing no respect for our feelings and emotions. It was also disrespectful to her own children who were obviously crying out for help.

You also have a right to a good life (physically and emotionally) and the step childs choice to have bad behavior does not override any of you or your sons rights. My life has gotten better since leaving, unfortunately your husband has a long road ahead of him either with or without you.

Make your decision based on what is right (within your heart) for you; your son and your new family. Things will be okay in the long run whatever you decide to do.

Good luck.

Kevin

Treatment should be paramount in his case, which you are obviously pursuing all avenues available to the boy. My DD at the young age of 4, was thought to have all of the diagnoses you mentioned. She was treated with behavioral therapy and individual counseling and no longer exhibits any signs of being ODD, OCD, bipolar, depressed, etc (unless she has PMS). BUT the major factor was I knew her behavior was NOT normal and insisted she buck up. If your DH is in denial and he's not following or reinforcing the behavioral treatment plan, you might as well throw rocks at Superman; it doesn't work.

The next time your SS does something as ridiculous as clog up the toilets, let it for your DH to clean up. If he trashes his bedroom, don't make him clean it until his dad gets home. Transfer as much of the responsibility on to his father since he's the one who doesn't see this as being a big deal. Are you able to leave his son at an afterschool program? Leave him there for his dad to pick up on his way home from work. If not, does he have grandparents or an aunt/uncle who can take him after school? Leave him with them. Tell your husband to get a babysitter because you and your son deserve to be in a home that is somewhat normal. Does he visit with the BM EOW or long weekends from school/holidays? Transfer responsibility to the BM and grandparents. Start going on mini-vacations with your son and allow your DH to parent him. (Yep, I do all of these things with my DH's son.)

I'm the first to admit that I am not living a picture perfect marriage and my DH has handed the reigns over to his son, but I am slowly and surely making progress. I rely on the people here to share their stories and give me advice to get me through the rough patches. I hope you too will find some respite here on this site, as I have. It's hard but I wouldn't trade my DD or my DH for the world. I am the first to admit my DH is NOT a good parent to his son, but he's a good husband and friend to my daughter and a completely different person when his son isn't here. I've had to step back plenty of times to reevaluate what the hell is going on in my life because of his son. The basic point is: Do what is best for you and your son, only you know what path to take.