I agree with this. I will add that through controlling ourselves we can control the response. Every action is behavior motivated. If skids can manipulate our responses so can we them. I never agreed with this until I read a book Self-Help to Emotional Well Being. The essence is that when we use the phrase "You make me so angry" we lose control of our emotions and place them in the hands of others. We are angry because we choose to be angry. Just like we choose to be happy or we choose to be indifferent.

We can control our responses to others. I call it mental gymnastics. It's no different than when you want to ask someone something and you play out the conversation in your head before initiating the dialogs.. you anticipate their response and your reaction to that response and vice-versa.

As far as the threapists go.. what kind are you working with.. a MSW that specializes in the social community? Or PsyD PH MD; they all have different philosophies. For me, I find that MSW are the worst to work with. Everything is caused by social experiences and not personal accountability/control. I do not mean dismiss the social component, to an extent this is a factor. Self-awareness is a bigger component.

My own therapist has said that you are not nuts.. they are.. so how are you going to respond to this? I am an admitted control freak and this works for me!!

Going back a second time would be difficult for me. However, I probably would go for the benefit of doubt. I'm trying to figure out our problems too. My theory is that it is the parents doing not the kids. They are in the middle of it. Look at poor daddysgurl childhood. I think it is important to look at ourselves and take responsibility for our actions, however, we alone are not the problem. There are the two people who made these kids and are behaving badly too. We should have the least accountability and if they can't see their wrong doing, why spend so much time on it ourselves when they aren't even our kids.

How disappointing it must have been to walk out with those responses from a therapist, no less. I'm sure you weren't expecting a high-5-you're-doing-it-all-right response, but to casually spread the fault to just you and DH is pretty short-sighted in my viewpoint.

In my experience, getting the most out of it was based on what I wanted to accomplish. Did the therapist ask you what your goal is with therapy?

Sure we all understand the "you are responsible for your actions" mentality, but I've yet to meet a therapist who at the first meeting states opinions about the situation based on a written document and 20 minutes with me. They usually hold opinion for at least one productive meeting.

I'd trust my instincts on this one. I'd go again, but with the reservation that this one may not be the best one for me. I'd also ask her what is her experience with steps and in what way does she help them? And ask her what her general approach is going to be to help you reach your goals.

Regardless, you are the better woman for going to counseling period! Be proud of yourself for taking this step, Oh Evil One.

I have been struggling with going to counseling with my step kids lately so in a way I relate. There are many reasons I don't want to go, and I wrote a post about it with lots of good feedback. You can check that out if you want. But more in line with what you are saying is whether I trust the counselor too.

It is my feeling that BM has orchestrated the whole problem with the kids and us. They are not coming to our house anymore, by their choice and the counselors approval. I question if the kids should be staying away from their Dad. It's not like he is abusive or inappropriate. They (the mom) just doesn't like him and the kids have built up a rap sheet that dates back and about his marriage with the ex. So why does the counselor encourage them to stay away? Why does he not see that when they are all in counseling, the BM sits in the middle of the kids, on the couch while DH sits alone in a chair. Doesn't non-verbal communication speak as loud as words. In addition to my other reasons that keep me away, I don't really want to subject myself to a firing line with the counselor loading the gun.

I would like to say in my defense, and I hear you the same way. I am a very very open person. I will and often do, look deep inside myself to take responsibility for my actions. I am not afraid to hear that I have made a mistake or could do something differently. Some times though I just have to draw the line, and some times it doesn't help to keep pointing out my part. There is much much much more than just me cooking in this pot.

My ex has an affair, we got to a counselor and he sees us both individually next time and then together again,During that session he suggest a book called After The Affair, we go to book store to fiund it and while there I look in the self help section, find a book The Couples Psychotherapy Treatment planner, in the contents it lists all problems couples may have and page number. I go to pg98 Infidelity, guess what?? It has the therapist to do list numbered out for them.What it told the therapist to do was what we were paying $125 an hour to hear from the psychologist! LOL I bought the book memorized next session and totally freaked out the guy by saying what I thought we should do next straight out of book.His face was priceless!
Now I know this sounds cruel and I ahve had one other bad experience with atherapist, the next one I saw as a single woman actually who informed me it was ok my husband branched out our marriage and for me to try and see what part I played in that, etc. I was thinking yes, how dare I drive our child 25,000miles a year just for therapy which he receives 40 hours a week and don't give him enough attention. Whatever , anyway even after all this, I am for counselors, sometimes they really just don't mesh with you BUT I would give this lady one more chance , hear her out and if she is not any better give her a piece of your mind

I have had a lot of support from the step parents on this site and each time I write I find something that I share with another person. You and I just hit it on the head. I've thought about how other people must think about me, us. But, the only people who would know are from BM's camp and we don't ever cross paths. When I share with people about my experience they usually say things like sweet Colorado Girl, that they don't really care for my step children. Their own Grandmother, my DH mom, says the same thing, but she keeps trying because they are her son's kids.

I think I have expressed myself with my SD. She pretty much knows how I feel. I really don't feel like hashing things out anymore. Telling her mom how I feel would be a waste of breath because she does no wrong. I can only see the benefit if it helps the counselor see another opinion. However every single time we have been in a counseling or mediation situation, if the position turns at all in DH's favor, she simply quits. I can not tell you how many times we have gone to get help with her and she bails leaving the situation back to square one. So I'm pretty sure if the counselor told her to look at herself that would be the last time she would show up.

At this point, I'm writing a nice email about once a week to SD telling her what is going on here. I usually close it by "say hi to your mom and your brother". If this in anyway makes her feel safer and helps to create some kind of relationship with me, then I think I've done a good job. I am prepared though to draw a very strong line in the sand. If they come over, even just to get presents on Christmas, they will not be allowed to take anything home with them, or stay at all if they treat me or my 2 year old badly. In fact that is a permanent line. They must not come here unless they will be respectful, and I would be happy to go to their counselor to tell them that. They'd probably love it. That way, they don't have to come here because I said so not because they have the support of their BM to destroy their Dad.

I don't think you owe your SD an apology for calling her a brat. For God's sake, is that considered abuse or something? She was a brat. One day a few years ago, my DH was getting so frustrated with his son being a total brat, that he told him to stop being a little shit. Well, they constantly bring up how their dad uses profanity, curses and yells at them. In their last session this came up again. The counselor asked if this was true and he said yes. Sometimes I think he just lays down so they can jump on him. First of all, a one time comment that was totally deserved shouldn't be categorized as if that is how the kids are treated. I'm still pissed at BM for that. The language the kids use is not age appropriate. She feeds them all kinds of verbiage. Now he looks like an abusive father. I would have said, yes, I told him to stop being a little shit three years ago. He was being a little shit. What is BM raising a little ninny. Make him take responsibility for himself. He'll face a whole lot worse in the real world. So that is how I feel about you calling her a brat. If she can't "handle" that, well so sorry, don't act like one then.

I'm sure our posts will cross again. Until then, hang on!

Most evil, sorry for not knowing.. Do you have any children of your own? This will help me understand your comments better...