I had that problem when my ss lived the first half of the week with my busband and me and the other half of the week with their mother. The thing that made it easier for me was that I picked out the clothes for the boys to wear and so dressed them in the clothes they came with. It still happened though that our good clothes found their way to her house and it took month until they came back. I kept buying clothes and they kept on dissapearing. Fortunatelly I can talk to bm and told her that I need some clothes back because I'm running out. I told even the kids that when they take good clothes to their mothers house,they have to come back again. They understood. Maybe your sd will understand when you talk to her about it. Why she doesn't mind to wear sloppy clothes at your house but sneeks out the good ones to her bm's. Usually girls don't wanna lock cheap and sloppy. So stop buying cloth and tell her she has enough clothes and give the crapy ones back to the bm. That's what I did too.

My DH gets his children every other weekend. Friday night to Sunday night. For the past 2 years we have been sending the girls home on Sunday in the same clothes they came in the previous Friday. It's been working for us. We only need to supply clothes for 2 dyas of the month. (My DH also pays $1320 per month in CS). The BM has been hassleing us to send the girls clothes home, in response we do, the next visitaion weekend. 4 weeks ago I noticed the oldest daughter (7) her clothes that she came in on Friday were missing. We asked the SD where her clothes were and she said she didn't know. So we just thought that they were misplaced. Then the next weekend we had them her clothes were missing again. Come to find out, the BM has been telling the SD to sneak her clothes back home in her bookbag. So now we have a lieing BM & SD.
Realizing that there in nothing we can do about the BM telling the SD to lie, we had a sit down with the SD. She knew it was wrong to do & we plan on searching her before she leaves until we can trust her.
In my opinion the clothing belongs to the child. But when the child is not sent with clothes to the opposite parents house, it is my belief that they only return with the clothes on their back. We cannot afford to pay CS plus clothe the girls.
In our situation, the BM only buys name brand clothes and puts us down for buying the SD's clothes at yard sales.
Something has got to give.

My SD (14) would take clothes we had bought that she didn't like to her BM, and vice versa. BM would "get rid of them." Then she would ask us to send hers back. What?! Every time SD didn't have something appropriate to wear, husband took her shopping. Drove me crazy, as she would have a room full of clothes (SD has more clothes than any other kid I have ever met). Finally, I instituted a budget. SD gets x amount each month for clothes. Once that is spent, she is out of luck. That has eliminated the fight over clothing. We never did get back the stuff her BM has, and she sometimes still wears very inappropriate stuff (like a red shirt and khaki miniskirt for her church confirmation).

I think I finally convinced my husband that SD is a habitual liar when it comes to clothes. He would tell her to put on gloves and she would claim she didn't have any, when I know she has at least four pairs. Or claim she didn't have a winter coat, then I would show him three of them at our house alone. Or say she didn't have any jeans when I could put my hands on ten pairs (and she probably has at least 20 pairs right now). Bottom line, the budget really helps, if you can settle on something fair. Husband tried to up it because SD has expensive tastes, but I didn't budge. I got calculations about what percent of budget the average family spends on clothes, then divided that between the four of us.

My SS's (4) BM does something similar, she sends him in clothes two small with holes in the knees. We get him every other weekend and buys clothes for those days. On Sunday I was the clothes he came in put them right back on him. She got mad that we do this and wants to share clothes. She says that it is DH responsiblty to buy all clothes and hair cuts because she claims she can't afford them. Which is BS, DH pays CS and little boys clothes are not that expensive. Her problem is that she shops only from the Gap and makes him wear them till the very end. My husband is unsure what to do because SS started school and he does not want him to be the worst dressed in school. He picked him up one friday and was so embarrass, SS had on a short set that was dirty and way above his knees. But he knows that if he buys more clothes for her house to that he will have to continue to do this every year. This will not be possible because we will have children of our own soon and it will not be fair. I told him that I know that he does not like it but this is something you have to deal with when you are dealing with crazy people like this. Your children are a reflection of you and if you send your children out in public sloppy you look sloppy. She is the primary caregiver and she will have to realize that for herself.

Wow, I was hoping that we were the only ones to have such a petty issue! I absolutely hate this clothing issue and parents who claim stake over the CHILD'S clothing.... BOTH sides should be buying appropriate clothing (although I do believe that the parent receiving child support should supply the majority of clothing).... But if they don't, they don't.... you can't make them spend the child support on the child and so if you have to buy clothes then thats just life.

Regardless,

THE CLOTHES BELONG TO THE CHILD.... BOTH HOMES NEED TO GROW THE F**K UP AND LEAVE THE POOR KID ALONE!

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."

I would say the child does, you buy the clothes for the child right?!

However.....
I also understand this issue because I have had such issues with this. Last year I bought 12 coats for SS and 10 backpacks, and countless pieces of clothing that SS never brought home from BMs. After wasting all of this money on clothing SS had to start going to school in no jacket and carry a plastic bag for this homework, we could not afford money for backpacks and jackets anymore and to say the least BM could just not figure it out.

I feel your pain I really do but finally after all is said and done, SS has the clothes that he has and if they get ruined or they are not at home because he wore them over to BM's and now they are missing it is not our problem he needs to be responsible. Us as adults have enough to worry about, keeping track of who has what is not a priority to me.

Someone should do a research project on this! It is weird. I was in a previous relationship with a man who had his boy every other weekend and once a week, and to keep the peace, we always, always made sure to send him back to his mom's in the same clothes and shoes he arrived in. She would pitch an absolute fit if anything was missing and it just wasn't worth the grief, even if we had to wash the clothes overnight for him to wear the very next day. If something did end up up at the other parents house, that parent was asked to send it back with the child on the next exchange. We never had a problem with the backpack...honestly, that's a strange one...my bf's child's backpack was essentially a part of him. It contained all his school books, his lunch container, his wallet, his homework log, etc...there is no way he would ever forget that at either household. And if for some bizarre reason he did, we would have called the BM in a heartbeat to ask her to bring it to the school for him the next morning.

Also strange, is that me and my ex NEVER, EVER had this argument. We had an amicable relationship, and not once was this a problem. Our son could take whatever he wanted to either household...didn't matter who bought it. He was in charge of it...and if we felt he was running short on certain clothes because they were piling up at the other parents house, we'd just call and ask to bring some back. No big deal.

I think this is one of those horrible control issues parents get sucked into. And I think it's representative of the kind of relationship you have with your ex. If you don't get along, clothes are a big issue, if you do get along, it's not, because you just ask the other parent for the stuff if needed.

My dh and I share the same attitude as yourself and your ex....

If I were to sit down and think of all of the clothes that I bought and then never saw again because they ended up at my ex's house.... I guess I could be mad.

OR I could just remember that for each piece of clothing that I bought and ultimately ended up at my ex's house there is one piece of clothing that he bought that ended up at my home.

THEY ARE NOT OUR CLOTHES, THEY BELONG TO OUR DAUGHTER.

I do see that there would be a problem if one home buyes nice clothes and one home intentionally buys crappy clothing.
Neither my ex-dh nor I buy crappy clothes for our daughter because we just don't play that game... we would not do that to our daughter.
Don't get me wrong.... you can spend little money on nice clothes.... but I know that SOME parents literally go out of their way to buy crap just to piss the other parent off (which ultimately does nothing but upset and embarass the child, which then in turn makes the child resent the parent that chooses to act that way).

My son's sm will intentionally buy CRAPPY, clothes.... she will go to the Salvation Army and buy clothes JUST for the exchange days.... She could pick out nicer clothes that cost the same.... but she literally searches for the crappy, embarassing clothing to make my son wear. She will then keep the clothing that we buy and send my son back in nasty, unwashed, crappy clothes.... WHY? Just because she is an angry, nasty person.

My son's dad has put an end to that but once he stops watching her closely, I'm sure it will start again. Its really sad.... when my son was a baby, she would even dress him in girls clothing for the exchanges.... frilly socks and all....

Then we would buy nice, new clothes and send my son back in them.... we would bag up the crappy clothes and send them back as well.... Sure enough, the next exchange day, my son would arrive in the crappy clothes AGAIN and the nice new clothes were no where to be found....

So we started throwing away the crappy clothes and sending my son back in the nice new clothes.... THEN she started cutting holes in my son's clothing just to ruin what we had bought! Our daycare provider actually CAUGHT her doing this! Its actually DOCUMENTED in CPS reports....

Then she threw a fit about the fact that we were throwing away the .99 cent Salvation Army CRAPPY clothes! HELLO.... when we send them back in a bag you keep the new clothes and still send him the crap....

Then she started claiming that she buys all of these clothes that are never returned.... HELLO RETARD.... SERIOUSLY, GET A LIFE.

"Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember, the only taste of success some people ever have is when they take a bite out of you."

putting his son in sweatpants when he "forgot" to bring his clothes back from his BM's house. BM doesn't pay CS and never allows the boy to bring anything back from her house when she does buy him something. Like she's going to wear it herself. What a whack job.

Maybe she's embarrassed of the clothes that she has at her mothers? So, rather than 'making it an issue', she's just coming up with her own kid logic solution. She probably figures that you are more willing to buy her new cloths than her mother. Have you considered talking to your SD about it? I would go to the source of the problem, not bother with BM and talk to your SD and see why she's doing it rather than jumping to assumptions.

Stuck in the Middle
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I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke.

She is 11 years old and old enough to know to bring her clothes home. Stop buying her clothing. When she comes home and has no clothes in your home, refuse her to wear the dirty or stained clothes in your house. So when she only has an outfit or two there to wear over and over in a week, she might get the point that she can start bringing her clothes back with her.
I have the same problem with my SS's BM. Now he's only 5 so it's not him taking the clothing. But BM takes the clothes SS wears over there but sends him home in her clothing (without underwear or socks) and then asks for her clothing back. Now I know that she doesn't have much money to spend on clothing, but she takes his underwear and socks and that drives me crazy. I put notes on the tags so that I know what is mine. She only gets him every other weekend, so now I'm sending him in clothes. Sending his school shoes and play shoes because she takes him to school on Mondays. But this past weekend she took the shorts I sent him in, both pairs of socks, one of his play shoes, and both pairs of underwear. I asked for them back and she said she would leave them in the mailbox when she got off work. Well, that didn't happen. So now I'm not giving back any of her clothing until she gives back mine. So when she runs out of clothing, that means she will be forced to buy some more. Because she has to send him back clothed Just work around it, sometimes it will work.

I hate this game. The clothes, games, whatever ultimately belong to the kids and therefore their responsibility to maintain and monitor.

A couple of things we did that seems to be working is this, when we receive hand me downs.. verrry nice ones, but a lot of them I have the girls create two piles.. one for here and one for there. Dress up clothes, stay here-- in my closet. The reasoning I use.. is they won't fall off the hanger and get all wrinkled. If they take favorites to dad's and forget them--- oh well. My set of girls are 12 14 live with me 100%. Dad doesn't buy anything because.. he pays me CS.

The other two kids 16 17 are 50/50 and it was more of a problem. Because we live so close to BM our solution worked. If they forgot something at BM's Bm delivered. and vice versa. As they got older. They have to ride their bikes to pick up forgotten items. We just had a scenario where SD who has 10 pair of underwear here... said I need new underwear. What how many do you need.. just bought some. He took them over moms because she doesn't keep up with the laundry. I told him.. hmmm you are old enough to do your own laundry. So go ride your bike and get them. Ever since we quit taxing for forgotten stuff they remember.

Here in my house what every the children receive clothes, gifts, toys.... are theirs to take where every they please. BUT, if they take their TV or whatever it is to their Dad's and don't bring it back OH WELL! It's their loss. They learned quickly to leave their items here. ExH was not as nice as allowing things to be returned. But, my children were in middle and high school. They were old enough to make this decision. If they left clothes, OH WELL they did not have it here to wear. They had to wait until next visit to regain it.

We have lost things never to return. I have lost items of my own, and so has my daughter because my SD had either worn it or taken it over to the "other side." You won't get those items back. They don't come back for a reason...bitterness. The ex has fought over underwear, socks, earrings and even on one occassion, called the cops over an item of clothing (I kid you not), because the SD in question was not wearing it when we sent her back. This was when the ex was picking her up, which she will not do anymore. Anyways, she accussed us of "stealing" the clothing item and continued to scream and yell as we were assualting her (while she was in the middle of the street just after we moved into of our new house - nice impression, and my mother was over st the time.) We were not even outside at the time. A few, that's right, more than one police car showed up because she was screaming that her life was in danger - or something of the like (I heard from the window). I could think of nothing nothing else to do but light a lavender candle, chill wine for later, and turn on some classic jazz.

This is what I have come up with: Keep the clothing drawer simple and send them back with whatever them come over in. It takes a lot of discipline, but we had to, to protect ourselves. You get a few pair of jeans, a few pair of tees, sweatshirts, sweaters and the necessary items. When they don't come back, you don't worry about it. They won't come back. It's a sick game game being played by a sick person and if she sends her child back in awful looking clothes it's a no win situation. Till you can explain to the child when these clothes dissappear in the drawer, we won't have any dress clothes to go to dinner and you will need to try to look for them or wear them back from your Mom's. It took quite a few years for them to understand. Oh, and by the way, we didn't have that clothing item that she called the police item about, and they did nothing about it or anything else for that matter.

I am just waiting for the next ball to drop, but I can't talk about it with my HB. Sorespot. So I'm looking elsewhere. I feel your pain.

Although I have noticed that the things that don't return are the style she doesn't like the kids to wear. Every now and then we ask the kids if they have seen certain items. Usually they don't make it back because she NEVER does laundry. Seriously - a month later something will show up, but she buys clothes rather than wash them.

in Colorado states the custodial parent, regardless of the split (even if it is 50/50) provides the clothing. Child Support in it's outrageousness covers this. BM and DH used to do the whole "weekend bag" thing and OMG the crap that she used to send in the bag. SOOOOO, I just started buying the girls clothes that just stay at our house. So now, she complains that it's "the girls" clothes, they should be able to wear them whenever they want. So, I leave it up to the girls - if they want to take something to their mom's house for the week they HAVE to bring it home or they lose the privilege. It works out pretty much for the most part. Also, when I first buy them a new outfit, it stays at our house for at least the first couple of times they wear it.

They also own quite of few shirts that read "Daddy's Girl" or "My Dad Rocks"....funny, I ALWAYS get those back.

I used to buy my 14 year old stepdaughter nice clothes until she said (innocently) mom told me she doesn't have to buy me any more clothes because you and dad do it for me. That was it!

Her next 3 week trip) she brought 2 pairs of jeans 3 shirts and 3 underwear. I just did laundry every other night. That was the last time that happened. From then on she has come with plenty of clothes.