I am so glad I've found you! A little history. My stepdaughter was sent to us at age 14 as her mother did not want to deal with her teen acting out and did not want her marriage to suffer. Mother never was involved with the girl for 5 years.She paid no child support nor came to visit this child. SD put us through hell. Eventually married a con man and husband and I bought them a condo to help them. They trashed it along with furniture I gave them. Her grandfather gave her several thousand dollars and this was gone in no time. We kicked them out of condo after we found they partied and did nothing to improve their lives. SD did not speak to me for a year as she blamed me for kicking them out. She then became pregnant and asked to move in. I forgive easily and let her move in. She never worked much and did nothing to help me around the house. Very lazy girl. She gave birth and stayed here. Did nothing except feed the baby...that is IT. Finally moved and we had to pull teeth to get her to get a job.Child is in daycare all week.
She claims I promised her an extended family and I am hearing now that she would have had an abortion if I hadn't promised her an extended family.Early in her pregnancy, she asked me if she should have an abortion. I told her I don't personally believe in abortion, but that this was not my decision or anyone else's. It was only hers. Her mother and older sister are blaming me for her position. She was fired from a job and I got her one in the agency I work in. She doesn't want to do nurse's aide work, so decided to attend some school that prepares her for medical assisting. I don't know if she will finish it. I tend to doubt it.She is now on unemployment.
I gave her my car as a gift after paying off the loan and my husband and I paid her car insurance the first year and continued to keep her on our policy. We recently took her off the policy so she can start to pay her own bills.I am sure she is not happy about this.
When she was fired, she called my husband...crying that she had no money. She had several thousand dollars in the bank, but it was gone.(She had planned to use our timeshare to take a vacation in Florida and had told us she had several thousand dollars saved for this.) She had used our address and her checking statment came to our house. We mistakenly opened it as we use the same bank, only to find that she had gone out to restaurants 3-4 times a week while we paid for her car and insurance. She called here to say she would report us for invading her privacy and would contact the police! Quite honestly, if we are paying her bills, we SHOULD have FULL access to look at her irresponsible spending. Her older sister found out we looked at the statement(my husband told her we read it on Father's Day, so the older stepdaughter IMMEDIATELY called her sister to report us...mind you, the older stepdaughter has done NOTHING to help her sister, including visit her or call her!) and after having NOTHING to do with her sister for YEARS, called her to tell her she should report my husband and I for opening her mail!Her older sister feels it is my obligation to take care of her sister and her sister's child!Her comment to me was:"you can't abandon my sister now that she has a baby!"
This young lady has never worked a full-time job. We offered to pay her way to college, but she did not want to do this. She is very lazy and never cleaned all the time she lived here. Yet, when she called my husband after being fired, he (without consulting me) hired her to do LANDSCAPING at our house and told her he would pay her! This young lady doesn't even vacuum, never mind landscape. I asked him to call her and cancel her as a landscaper and he called her with a depressed voice telling her he couldn't hire her. Of course, she blamed me. I told her I wondered where her saved money had gone and also that we were not responsible with providing her with a job.
This young lady has come on ALL of our vacations and we paid her way. Just last year, I sent her to Las Vegas and paid her way and took her one year old for a week!This is only a little history...and, what I have told you is mild. There's more. But, this is a start.
I have decided to disengage. I've spent years doing family dinners/gatherings and trying to make everyone happy. SD despises me (except when we pay her bills and for all her vacations). I realize now I am wasting my energy on the SD and the older one. Neither the bio mother or the older stepdaughter have extended themselves to help like my husband and I have done.
Disengaging is going to save my sanity. And, I hope, my marriage. I feel sad for my husband, but he has enabled her all along. I told him he can visit his daughter and grandchild anytime and for however long he would like, but that I do not want either one of his adult daughters in my home. We have a 12 year old who has suffered from all the arguments over all of this.
The sad fact is I am a very loving person and I know I try too hard to make it work. At this point, I know it won't, so I have told both daughters that I will no longer be in their lives.
Thoughts?
Thank you all for being here!