Question to you step parents
I am an adult SD trying to deal with my SF. He's been in my life since I was 10 and nothing has changed. He's always treated me like I was not welcomed, not wanted, not liked. When I've needed his help he's treated me like he would condescend to piss on me if I were on fire. Currently I am in the middle of moving back home (as in home town - not house) and until my things are ready I am staying with my folks. We got along fine for a couple weeks but this past week everything went down hill. He pitched a fit when I wouldn't get off the phone immeditaely so he could use his office. I made him wait two whole minutes so I could finish taking care of some responsibilities. He talks to me & my mother like dogs, commanding us rudely & not thanking us & my mother always defends him. It drives me nuts!!! There are other things too that just met me know he doesn't like me & he doesn't want me around.
Here's the deal... I moved back to this area to help them take care of my grandmother. I'm not a loser or down on my luck... I'm a successful, responsible career woman who is paying her own bills & paying her parents to stay there. I don't have kids (just cats - and he complained about them too) and I do what I can to give them a hand in everything. But of course, according to him, it's not enough. Whether I have furniture or not I am moving into my new place this weekend, even if I have to sleep on the floor.
What I want to know is what do you guys think of this? Am I wrong to get offended when he treats me like a piece of sh*t on his shoe?(pardon the language please) Am I wrong to ask that he give me a couple minutes on the phone & treat me with some common courtesy?... say please, excuse me & thank you? I know he wants respect, but he's not willing to give any. Am I really disrespecting him that much when I don't jump at the very second he rudely says jump?
Is this normal? Do all SF's feel this way about their SK's? That they are just baggage that needs to just go away? I'm a part of the family too, but he just makes me feel like I'm not wanted. I mean, he's sabotaged every effort I have made to find some common ground & it's like he's made up his mind that no matter what I do he's always going to dislike me. And honestly, it really hurts, because he's a decent man otherwise & he'd be someone I respected if he just gave me a little common courtesy. I didn't ever have a real dad so he's the clostest I've got & when we start getting into it my mother gets involved & takes his side or gets upset. This is driving me crazy & I'm really hurt... again.
I really don't know how to
I really don't know how to answer this. My parents are the only parents I've ever had...they have been married for 42 years. I have to say that your step dad sounds a little like my bio dad. I have very little if any respect for my dad. He was an alcoholic when I was growing up and there were some really awful things that happened while I was younger that no child should have to go through. My mother stayed...God love her....despite him because she couldn't afford 4 kids on her own. Now everything seems to be okay in their marriage but I still don't respect him because of the things that happened and the things that he said or did to me. I know I should get over it or whatever but rest assured that I won't get over it until I at least get an apology. He hasn't offered one so he doesn't get my respect. When he talks to my mother like he does I just get all over him...he will get mad and walk away. And you know what? I really don't care.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...just because he's the only father figure you've had doesn't mean that you have to like him. If he doesn't respect you....don't respect him. You don't have to have his approval to be the successful, responsible person you are....you only need your own approval.
I don't know if I've helped you or not but....that's all I've got.
Some people are like slinkies...not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs!
You are definitely not wrong
for feeling offended. As an adult-even children should not be treated so disdainfully. Your mother chose to create a life with this abusive man, and not stick up for her own child due to her own issues(co-dependancy, low self worth) or whatever the case may be, and that has to hurt! Here is a man that you have looked up to as a father figure and have been let down time and time again. When he made the choice to marry your mother he should also have committed to being a compassionate father figure to you as you were part of a packaged deal! It is awful to feel such rejection when you did nothing-other than being some other mans seed- and that is completely not your fault!!! Have you ever told him how you felt about this in all these years? Perhaps you could compose a heartfelt letter to the both of them about exactly how you have felt, how you feel, and how you expect to be treated. You are competent adult and should be treated with some sort of integrity, as you obviously care about your family!!! Ask him why he justifies treating you the way he does, and if it's possible for him to muster up enough common decency to be kind to you. If he is unable to do so-at least you made your feelings and wishes known. And they are valid feelings, whether he ignores them or not. He really sounds like a d*ck!!! I hope you can find some sort of resolution here, but I have to warn you that in many cases, older people tend to be stuck in their negative ways, with little chance of redemtion. Best of luck to you!!!
"All that we are is a result of what we have thought."- Buddha
Thanks
Thanks for the support guys, I really needed it. I'd love to be able to sit down & tell them that they hurt my feelings, but that just invites ridicule. And then if I say anything to him my mother gets involved to "keep the peace." Well I'm speaking up anyway. I'll just get on his case about how rude & selfish he's being (keeping the focus on him, not me) & when my mom speaks up I'll just tell her - calmly - that I don't care what her excuses are. None of us deserve that kind of treatment.
Speaking up is better than quiet resentment. I really do appreciate your support guys. Thanks.
Being both a step-child & step- mother,
You sound like a VERY strong woman and should be proud of yourself!!
Even though you didn't have the "father" you needed and deserved, it seems to me that you have done a fabulous job of "bringing" yourself up. And your mom and step-dad SHOULD BE PROUD that you are a self suffcient adult, but of course it wasn't due to their doing.Tell your step-father (as you are walking out the door for the last time, at least to live)that AND MORE. I would give the world to have you for a step-daughter.So don't take what "they" say as a personal assault, just shrug it off, because apparently they have "issues" of their own. LIVE YOUR LIFE TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY,AND DON'T EVER LET ANYONE KNOCK YOU DOWN.
hangingin
You are Wise
Give yourself permission to not like or even love him. It's okay. One of the best milestones in my growth was when a couselor told me it was okay to not love or like my father.
From reading your post it sounds like you are intelligent, independent, articulate and well-adjusted. With those tools, you are quite able to determine when you're being treated with respect and when you're not. Trust your instincts.
I agree with the idea of letting them know how you feel through a letter because a verbal communique will probably only be met with oppossion and denial, based on past experiences, right? Why put yourself through that stress, when you have enough stress trying to make this move back home. Leave them the letter and leave the door open for them to discuss it when they're ready to do so rationally and lovingly. But only under those terms.
Otherwise, enjoy your new place even if it's sans furniture.
And I applaud you for seeking advise from other step parents. We'e not all ogres. You are clearly wise beyond your years.
can I trade you for my SD?
Will you please trade place swith my spoiled adult SD to be who thinks everything should be handed on plate? You would have a doting step dad then and I would love to have you around , you sound wonderful and are sane for thinking the way they are living is not healthy.I wish you the best in your pursuits.