Parental Alienation
Well, I haven't really posted much on this site lately. I have been really busy at work and taking care of the baby.
We are still in the process of taking BM to court, filing for sole custody. We filed back in February and now the final hearing is scheduled for late Sept. Yippee!
It's crazy but since filing for sole custody. BM has been off her rocker. Her life is spiraling out of control, sort of a Britney Spears type lifestyle and I am not sure that she cares or maybe she is just so confident that custody is already going to be her's and that she is going to win this court battle. I'm baffled.
Since filing, she is never home when we drop the kids off, she is always altering the 6pm pick up and drop off times, she got fired from her job, fails to return the kids phone calls and when we have asked her what is wrong with her - her reply is "You guys are just green with jealousy"... OK? Every weekend that we have the kids she goes out of town and it's like there is no consequences for her actions. It's been almost a month and I doubt she is even looking for another job. I am sure she is hoping that it will increase her child support? But hopefully the judge will see the fact that her life is a mess. BF works but he is also home during the day to care for the kids so she can't use that "I am just staying home to help the kids" bit. Plus, how many single mom's out there "Work without a man in there life to help them out"? I was one of those people before meeting BF 5 years ago and back then I never blamed my ex, he was just a deadbeat and I was the better person.
But with her, she just has this attitude like she does no wrong. Now, to back up BF's case, we put a Motion forward with the court, asking that the Judge allow testimony from both kids ages 15 & 11. Now we have not even discussed custody or any of this with the children because we want them to tell the court exactly what has been going on, without feeling pressured by us. But we have to supply BM with a copy of everything we submit to court. In the Motion, we state that it is important because daughter 11, constantly tells us about her mother abandoning her at all hours of the night and days of the week. How there dog got sick and mom refused to get it help for months "note I have an animal report on that one" because I got them involved. She threatens her daughter saying "She can live with us but will be written off for good", how there mom drives them around while intoxicated, etc. Yes, it's a bit hard to swallow thinking about all of these things. But the judge needs to know why we are filing for sole-custody. Also, 15 yr. old son is on probation until 19 for felony drug charges. His mom has failed to follow the probation order - she just sucks.
But here is the big thing that happened. Where I believe Parental Alienation comes in. Yesterday, BF calls BD and asks her how school was, etc. and she tells him. Then she asks him if he is going to work Friday and Saturday night "as usual" after she falls asleep. He asked her why, and she said No reason and went to change the subject but then BD covered phone and BF said he could hear BM in the background - then BM said tell your father the truth. Then she told BF that she doesn't want him to go to work and be left alone at the house with ME... Can you all believe that sh&t?
Meanwhile, this is the kid who will always pass up going with her father to do something with me. Seriously, BF asks her all of the time to go places with him and she say's No, I want to stay with Julie... Everything I do, she includes herself and we have been very close. So, I am 100% sure that BM is making threats, making her choose or whatever. Then when BD comes over tonight, she is being all nice to me but very clingy to her dad? Does this make any sense. BF is kind of pissed about it and is at work right now. He know's BM said or is doing something. What do you guys think? Should I confront SD and ask her what the deal is, why would she say that to her dad? Or just file a letter with the court, explaining what is going on?
Also, SS and I have never, ever gotten along but now he is being all nice to me? What gives? My mother told me that SS probably gave me so much crap for the past 3 years, hoping someone would get involved without him physically going against his mom. My mom believes he might be happy that we are taking his mom to court, even though he can't just come out and say that. But oh well, it's late, I am tired.
If anyone can offer advise, I would love to hear it. Thanks and goodnight 
Julie (31) Bio-Children -
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.
The big thing that jumped
out at me was when SD asked BF if he was going to work etc.
That sounds so much like when SD comes here.
It is a tough situation. We own a business and DH tries NOT to have Sat/Sun appointments when he knows SD will be here since she is only here 6 days a month during the school year. BUT, on RARE occasions he has no choice... part of owning a business and having clients...
I know that BM takes FULL advantage of that when it does happen tho. I know she makes it a point to point out to SD how her father is NOT here on her time with him!
I really don't have any advice or suggestions... I just understand what you are dealing with.... and like you, I think that honestly there are many times that SD would rather be with ME, but her mom has her torn between... "you go there to see your DAD" and "You spend most of your time with your stepmom"...
As for the question should you ask SD? How old is she?
It is what it is...
de ja vuish
We now havecustody of SD and alot of the same stuff-sorta. BB feels entitled to her life and makes that priority and anything else is last. Unfortunately it takes alot for any child to see that their parent is just being selfish so this is bound to happen, we did talk w/ SD about the flip flops in what she would say but we also waited until SD wanted to live with us and told us so to start the paperwork so that SD knew it was about her and BB could't back her claims it was about money or just to get to her(BB).
I have watched the BB go from unemployed living off of child support and hand outs to being locked out of her gated community due to no money for rent, us sending over food for visitation times, and we were the ONLY people who got her son birthday gifts this past year(We do this because that poor boy is stuck with her and a dead beat dad and it is only for the kids benefit), and I must say that after the years of hell I do sadly take a small part of enjoyment from this- but the truth is BB Acted the same pompass way during battle and clung to the last hope then lashed out like a nutbag and is still in this stage, BB is still trying to change SDs mind by claiming illnesses, SD is reason other brother is suffering and any other low blow thing possible but by us bringing to SD and having her input during the custody case it made us all closer and was easier for her during it. If BM already knows about custody(obviously) then the kids probably do to so I would start to include them since they aren't young kids they are more able to understand. I am sorry about the run on.
Weekend is almost over
Well, we have had both kids since Friday. Funny, SD quickly changed her tune and said she did not mind staying alone with me but her mom didn't want me drilling her anymore, don't know where that B.S. came from neither does BF. She also told BF that she doesn't remember ever telling him all of the times that her mom drove the two of them while she was drunk in the car.. So, perhaps BM is having the kids claim the "I Just Don't Remember" deal. Hopefully the judge will see right past that.
As for including the children in the legal proceedings, he doesn't want to talk to them about it. And it is kind of pissing me off, he always wants to be the better person..
Then just about 30 minutes ago, he calls BM to tell her he will be running late. Because he had to make hot dogs/dinner. So, anyway he just leaves and will arrive on time but why on Earth did he have to call her. I am not a jealous person but sometimes I think he is way to NICE to her. I guess he just wants to let her know if he is even a second late so she can't use that against him in court. I don't know.
Another thing that has bothered me this weekend is the Constant need to always do something while they are here. When it's just us, our baby and my son age 12 we usually hang out at the house unless I force BF to go somewhere with us like a park or something. But when SKIDS come here it's like all of a sudden Disney Dad appears. I guess I can't say much because my ex does the same thing with my son.
But still it gets quit bothersome and when we get custody of the kids, it's going to be sad when they realize dad isn't the weekly Disney Dad... Ya know. Anyone else have to deal with this?
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.
Yep, been there, done that too...
We don't have any kids here fulltime, my kids do a 50/50 week on/week off schedule. SD's schedule has changed MANY times over the last 3.5 years. So sometimes we just have my two, sometimes we just have SD, other times we have all three. On the week(end) that SD was here alone DH would feel "sorry" for her that she was here all alone and so we spent the entire weekend practically making sure she was entertained... lunch/dinner, movies, shopping, you name it. Meanwhile on the next weekend with my two, well there are two of them so no need to worry about them being entertained. They could entertain each other... ugh... so we would stay home and do weekend chores around the house.
I'm not sure what happened or when. Maybe it was the counseling, maybe just time, maybe seeing that SD came over here with her hand constantly out... "what are WE gonna DO this weekend?" but at any rate DH finally quit with the constant "entertaining" and I'm just happy about it.
The only other thing I can think of is that he also was in the middle of a custody battle when all that was going on and he wanted to make sure SD had FUN and enjoyed herself at our house so that if she was asked to choose... she wouldn't choose her mom? Who knows. Hopefully once your BF and his ex wrap up their court/custody issues your BF also will quit playing Disney Dad...
It is what it is...
ME TOO
Yeah I remember the days of the curtesy calls and all that we did but never have recieved. As for the disney dad thing we had that in a low key way at first but it didn't last long at all since I am a very blunt person and have never been able to tolerate indifference in the house very well. DH understands that SDs life didn't stop when she was not here so neither could our sons and occassionally SD has missed some really fun thing at our house we always try to pick up something for her but SD did do things too.
Its not an easy place especially with the custody thing, I remember well all the stress so I really have to be honest and wonder why the skids haven't weighed in on this? I might be wrong but aren't they teenagers? We were very honest about all of it and it was a great thing for us, we had SDs approval for doing it, her input on wether or not she was able to handle all the steps to it, and when it wasn't something she felt she could deal with unless necessary(testifying in front of mother in court) we found alot of ways to end it eithout having to take that step- and during everything we just let her come to us if she wanted to know about something- it was assuring to her to know that she could express how she felt about the entire thing and even if it was something about us we answered all questions. I really don't know how to do it without that knowledge especially if the mind games sound like they have already started and they might not know what to do with all the crud BM is laying on them or how severe the guilt trips are, how can you gauge the effects of what is going on if you don't really know. I really am not trying to upset you but just trying to see what DHs point of view might be?
Best Wishes
BM's Actions
It would be awesome if we could talk to both kids age 11 & 15 but BM is a real manipulative WACKO! Last year there was a fall out with her daughter because her daughter didn't like her mother's boyfriend at the house. BM told daughter if she didn't like it to call her dad and get lost and that if she walked out that door, that would be the end of all communication between her daughter and her. So, SD kind of shrugged it off and had BF come pick her up and she stayed at our house for two days, meanwhile BF & her made several calls to BM and all calls went unanswered.
Finally on day 3 I called the school SD attends and asked for a supply list because it was the day before school was to start. They couldn't understand why I didn't already have school supplies and I went on to tell them our situation. Immediately, the school Principal got involved and called BM at her work and I think she threatened child services. Before we know it BM calls in frantics over the Principal calling her - demanding he get SD to her house ASAP or she is calling the police. She was embarrassed I guess.
So, SD knows that if her mom threatens to dis-own her, it's something that will be honored by BM. And BF and I have NO DOUBT if the children stand up to her she will disown them on the spot. It's scary. She has written off her brother, her mother and when she writes someone off or if someone crosses her the wrong way then she doesn't look back. It's kind of nutts. I have never seen someone so heartless and that is why BF say's he wants to step cautiously because he doesn't want to piss her off too badly or fight back. As for myself, I have called the police on her a few times, I have called her new BF's ex wife, this is the boyfriend she has been having an affair with for years behind this lady's back. I also called animal control when her dog got ill and went untreated for months - daughter pleaded we get help for the dog. Meanwhile her mother told her the dog was old and would eventually die
So, it's a long story but I have a lot to back us up in court. But we just have to be cautious how we proceed. So far she has not been upright nasty to me, she still calls my cell phone when she needs to alert us she will be late. And I only believe the reason she is behaving normal to me is because I have not lied at all. She can't stand betrayal, and I am not betraying her I am just saying that enough is enough - the kids are not good with her and they belong with people who can care for them. Get them to school on time and make sure that they are not neglected. Ya know. But she is just a trip to deal with.
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.