Stuck between a rock and a hard place (VERY LONG RANT)
I am new to this site, so let me tell you some things about myself. My DH and I have been married for 5 years, and been together about 8. I have a SS who is 11 and a SD who is 14. Even though I did not give birth to them, I could not love them more if I did. They are both very respectful and loving. My SD is going through the typical teen years *sigh* but my SS is very loving, compassionate, and overall a sweetie. I am really the only "mother" he has known. My DH's ex left him with a 3 year old and a little baby, so that she could be a prostitute and for drugs. After a year, she reappeared and wanted the children. Obviously, my DH did not give them to her. She then wanted to come back with her new BF! What a laugh. My DH then divorced her. She gave up custody totally. He raised those two all by himself until I came along. His mother helped, but where other men would have run, he stayed and raised two wonderful children. About two years after the divorce, the ex decided she wanted to play weekend mother, but only when it was convenient for her. Sometimes she would wait months before seeing the children...the whole time they were wondering where she was. She would always lie to them, or make DH do it. He has been wonderful at never bad mouthing the ex. However, the children told me that she has been telling them that DH left her because he was cheating, that there was a still born before my SD was born, and that she would have had an older brother. She tells them all the problems she has with her newest BF. All the lies and adult problems she is telling them is really affecting them...especially my SD. My SD feels guilty about the "abuse" her BM went through (from a BF 7 yrs ago). BM is always retelling the same stories to elicit sympathy from the children. I have told DH that he needs to confront her and tell her to not manipulate the children with stories of abuse long past, and of a fictional older brother. You sse, my DH met her when she was 16, and knew what she was not pregnant before my SD. I also told him that he needs to tell the children the real story about the divorce. He says that he won't tell them until they are 18. Am I wrong in wanting the story to be set straight? How do I address the lies when the children tell me the things she is telling them, and I know are false?) Even if he doesn't tell the children, I still think he should tell the ex to stop involving the children in her adult problems.
I am sorry that this is so long. It is just that this (the ex) is the only thing that my DH and I fight about, and I just need to know if I should just drop it.
Thanks for letting me vent 
May get some flack for
this, but these are not babies anymore. Not saying they need to know all the sordid details but they are getting old enough to be told *some* truths IMO. But, not by YOU. My SD has asked me about things that I know to be fullblown lies. I am not going to be the one to tell her that her mom is a big fat liar!!! Uh uh, no way. My response is you should probably talk to your dad and/or mom about THAT. LOL
As for my kids tho, there are times they ask me questions and the standard answer in the past was always for them not to concern themselves with adult information. That it has nothing to do with them and they just need to worry about school, sports and their friends and let their dad and I deal with the adult issues. As they are getting older I will talk to them a LIL more about SOME things but others I still refuse to discuss with them.
I really think it depends on the kids themselves, their ages and their maturity level... jmho
It is what it is...
I don't know
I am a child of this situation. Kinda.. I mean different case.
When I was 14 and was having typical teenage issues I would pack a trash bag with all the belongings I wanted to take with me to move to Florida with my dad, and finally my mom got sick of it and told me that my dad molested my two sisters. Ok so all that love I held for him for so many years turned to anger and hurtness, and just guilt for it because he was my dad. Well now I am 32 and I am going to meet my dad for the first time in 27 years, from what I was recently told he was never really convicted of the molestation, and frankly I may never really truly know what happened. I am not even sure I want to know because its scary either way you look at it. He could lie and say he didn't but yet my mom and sister could be lying? My mom is not a totally honest person either.. My dad I can say is so nice to me and my stepmom too.
So you are in a rock and hard play. Because whatever you do will have an effect on the kids.. SO its scary. Sometimes though without telling at all the kids figure it out..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
Thank you
Thank you for your help. I know that my DH is very NON confrontational. If he had his way, they would never know anything from him. That leaves her word...which is crap. I know that it is crap because I know him, but more so, I have heard the same thing from several people about her leaving, etc. She really is a treat...she is so needy that she makes drama in her life just to get the children to give her sympathy. Her latest deal was a miscarriage that I KNOW was faked. So, when the children bring it up, what can I say? *shrug* I ususally just tell them that the world is full of information, and they have to use their heads to determine what is real and what isn't. I also tell them constantly that they are children, and they need to leave her with her adult problems. She has the control to deal with her problems, and they shouldn't worry about such things. *sigh* Things would be so much better if she would just fall off the face of the earth! Thanks for listening to my rants.
His, hers, the real thing
One thing that's always worked for us is to tell the kids that there's our version of the truth, there's their mother's version of the truth, and then there's the REAL truth, somewhere in between. We tell them to listen to what is being said, weigh it carefully and decide for themselves how much of it is truth vs. one person's opinion. It's an unfortunate fact of divorced life that sometimes parents say bad things about each other in front of the kids. What the kids need to know is that they should believe what they see and experience for themselves. Anything else is irrelevant.
~ Anne ~
"Love, having no geography, knows no boundaries."
(Truman Capote)
What Anne said
I also have a 14y/o SD and BM did much of the same so I didn't know either but we did the same thing- SD was always told three sides to every story BMs, ours, and the factual truth- since feelings always get included.Boy some of the things DH did what a monster but SD was able to see the truth eventually and when she had doubts about stuff we would tell her to find her own truth since she knew us and BM really didn't anymore.If it was something like the big brother thing then we would just tell her it was not true and leave it at that.
When BM would lay the poor me trips on SD I would tell her no one has an easy life its how you deal with it that counts and its not your job to take care of BM its hers to do for you!
Best Wishes