No Respect - No Boundries
I moved in with my fiance the first of this month with my 12 year old daughter. I've been divorced for 4 years and he for 2 years. We plan to marry in November of this year and my daughter adores her soon to be stepfather. I'm 43, he's 49. He has a 26 year old daughter who is married and has 2 small children, and a 25 year old son.
One of my biggest issues is my fiance still pays the car payment and insurance for both of them.
The son lived with him up until a week after I moved in. He stayed out most of the night and would come in drunk around 3am, (sometimes with friends!), waking us up with slamming doors and the television. This is not only disruptive to us, but is not a good example for my 12 year old daughter. His father talked with him and he recently moved out.
His daughter has keys to the house and would come in frequently unannounced, often with girlfriends, and would go into our room to use our computer and actually went into our closet to get something from the safe for her Mother.
I let her know that I was not accustom to this and I viewed that as a lack of respect to me and that I expect she call before coming over and to please use the doorbell and not come in unannounced. I have 2 grown children who recently graduated college, and they do not come over without first checking to see if I'm home and I show them the same respect. It's common courtesy I thought. I expect the same from his children. She let me know unequivically, that I have no right to tell her what to do and she grew up in that house and she can come and go as she pleases. Her father (my fiance) told her I have full control over the house and she is to respect my rules. Now, needless to say, I am a monster. She blames me for her brother having to move out, even though the man is 25 years old. I want to have a relationship with her, but she resents me. It's as if she doesn't want her father to be happy. She is also not happy that after this month, she will be responsible for her own car payment. I refuse to pay it. She is livid about this. My thoughts are, she's married, they both have jobs and 2 children, they can pay their own bills. Also, the son will have to start making payments when he starts receiving a steady paycheck.
We are currently renovating the house to sell and plan to move into a new home. She told her father she is considering buying the house. I told him if we do this, they should have to get a traditional loan like anyone else because I have a gut feeling, we will be put into a bind if we become thier bankers.
Their mother was a 'stay at home mom' and they had no dicipline and no responsibilities as children. I was raised the complete polar opposite which amplifies the issues for me. My fiance supports me 100%, but he is also being manipulated by his daughter and she is trying to tear us apart.
I would love to hear others opinions on this situation. At this point, I'm grasping for advise.
Thanks for listening... PJ in Houston
They are adults...its time to act like it!
Lovers do not finally meet somewhere, they were with each other all along.
At 25 and 26(especially if married with your own children) you should be quite capable of taking care of yourself and your family. There is nothing wrong with the requests you have made of the daughter, she is just trying to upsurp your authority as SHE has been the "woman" in Dads life up until now.Congrats that you have a fiancee that is placing you first and standing up to his chronologically grown children, now he and unfortunatly you as well will have to stand together to get these kids to get there crap together as adults mentally as well. The first step for Dad is to make it clear to them that the full control over that home is not something you have taken from them, but what HE has CHOSEN to give to you.Also that all decisions in and about your home are decisions made in agreement between the two of you..The next step, fiancee needs to take away sd damn house key!!! My own daughter now lives on her own, and has no key to my home...why would she need it? I dont have a key to her's. And for what it is worth, we ALL can be manipulated by our children if allow ourselves to be, therefore there is noone to blame but ourselves, ya know what I mean?
They are adults
you are exactly right in my opinion. I do have to say that my SD(21) does have a key to my house, but that is because she occasionally does laundry here if she needs to do a quick load. DH and I have loaned her money, but she is paying it back. Don't feel guilty about the closing of the First National Bank of Dad. The two of them need to be grown ups and take care of their own bills. If she gets snippy about the house, tell her that a mortgage at her age will up her credit rating and she can be assured that she has a paid off home loan before she dies (unlike the rest of us!
)
marika
Thanks
Thanks for the comments. Sometimes when you're in the situation, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. I understand it will take time for us to grow to understand each other. Even though we are forcing them to be more responsible financially, I am willing to make it up to them by helping them in other ways. Like taking care of her children so they can have some time to themselves or an extra special Christmas or birthday gift. I'm not as bad as they think. In fact, I think in the long run, they will be grateful. Because at the end of the day, all we really want is for our children to grow up to be healthy, self sufficient adults. I'm sure they'll want that for their own as well.
You guys have a wonderful weekend. We're having a garage sale. Yippee.
this sounds bad. I thought I
this sounds bad. I thought I was in a bind... Good luck with boundaries. I have a good friend, she always gives me good sound bites to use. Such as "Honey, your father and I need privacy in our marriage, this is why I am asking you "
Or "I wish you success in your life, and it is time to start ". These frases is hard to argue with... but still works about 5% of time.....
They are scared...
They have obviously had the run of 'Dad' since god knows when, they don't resent you as a person, they merely resent that you have taken the keys to their free ride. And no matter who it was taking that, it would have happened eventually. As long as your husband continues to support you on this, it will all work out fine. Maybe try to chat to her and explain your situation?
I am glad you are moving as this would always be HER family home and now you can start with a fresh set of rules in YOUR home. Having a key is fine, I have a key to my mums house and so does my brother, but it is for emergencies such as her falling down and me being unable to get to her or she locks herself out of her house, so if they should have a key, rules and as you stated, common courtesy is naturally expected. And I have to mention, paying their car pay payments?? What the?? I think that is unrealistic for them to expect that to continue. Good luck and keep us posted.
Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*
I am smiling........
You knwo how good it feels to read these blogs and know u r not insane! LOL
So I guess me wanting my fiance's 32 year old son, 28 year old daughter to start paying soem of their bills is not being too tough!
Why don't these kids know boundaries, I will say this to all of us parent's currently raising children in our homes and I do mean children , not adults living there, let's remember these stories while raising ours ,so that we try and raise them to be independant,respectful adults who are not completely self centered.I am being tougher on my kids since I have witnessed in amazement all his children expect from dear old dad and what they will do to get it.
I am also facing same thing with my BF;s house nad his kids with Crappy credit wanting, I am dreading to see how this is going to work!
No Respect - No Boundries
>>>> One of my biggest issues is my fiance still pays the car
>>>> payment and insurance for both of them.
That is nuts. I started working summers when I was 13 to save for a car. My parents never paid my car payments!
>>>> good example for my 12 year old daughter. His father talked
>>>> with him and he recently moved out.
That's good news!
>>>> We are currently renovating the house to sell and plan to
>>>> move into a new home. She told her father she is
This a great idea -- leave all the emotional baggage behind with the old house.
>>>> considering buying the house. I told him if we do this,
>>>> they should have to get a traditional loan like anyone else
>>>> because I have a gut feeling, we will be put into a bind if
>>>> we become thier bankers.
I learned a long time ago: NEVER DO BUSINESS WITH FAMILY! So yeah, if they want it, they get a mortgage like everyone else.
>>>> Their mother was a 'stay at home mom' and they had no
>>>> discipline and no responsibilities as children. I was raised
It's not the stay-at-home part -- my mother was also a stay-at-home mom. But believe me, there was discipline, as administered by my dad. There was no messing with the old man, and God help us if we crossed our mother and he found out.
I have an adult step-daughter who's been spoiled by her mother -- the results are much the same. It's a shame you have to battle over this sort of stuff, but it's amazing how lazy leeches will suddenly get the energy to fight you when you cut off the money faucet.