Watch out for nice guys...
...they're nice to everybody, you're nothing special. This is my first post here on steptalk, but I've been reading for quite a while. I have come to feel comfort from all of your words. I admire the brave ones, who can reveal true feelings, no matter how ugly they may be. I needed to create a new screenname for this one, because I'm a chicken, i need to protect my identity. Ultimately, he could find out what i am writing here, but i pray not now, because i know he would take it the wrong way.
We have been together for 14 months, living together for 5 months. We have 5 children between the two of us, my three, b13, g12, and b9, as well as his two children, g7 and g2. Our relationship unfortunately was born out of an affair that persisted for 8 years. I never wanted him to leave his wife for me, as she was a friend of mine. My divorce occurred 8 years ago, and it has been an uphill battle for me ever since. My ex repeatedly quits his jobs and leaves me without child support for months at a time. My job itself is very low income, because i was young when i had my children and didn't get my college education, so here I was, 25-y/o, 3 children under the age of 5, and my ex goes AWOL. I was forced into poverty and my life has been a struggle ever since. My only options (or so I thought at the time), was to find a nice guy who would fill the shoes of an absent father. So I went through roughly 7 years of dating catastrophes, finding no one that would step up to the plate and really be there for me. Instead, i felt like i was adopting more kids, because all these boyfriends were big kids. As a matter of fact, my 'nice girl' persona was what was getting me used and abused. And throughout all this, my friend's husband was there, helping me out when I hit bottom, not only financially, but he would care for my children, help me with day-to-day maintenance and upkeep of my place. He would help me move (and I must have moved at least 7 times)...he was a nice guy, I couldn't help but love him. He wanted to leave his wife numerous times, and I always told him the grass was not greener on the other side. We could not be together. I knew statistics on relationships like this, and so i would send him home, and he would try to avoid me, and I tried to get on with my life, and he would continue to contact me, couldn't get his mind off me...8 years later he finally divorces. He couldn't live with himself and his lies, and by that time i was ready for him to divorce as well, I couldn't bear to see my friend lied to anymore. After all his help and loving kindness, I decided to give him a chance for a relationship, and I have been trying to legitimize this ever since. I knew I was going to be in for a tough road. First of all, I never wanted to be with a guy with kids - 3 is enough for me, but sometimes that's how the cookie crumbles.
It's been 14 months since his divorce and so far things are going quite smoothly. I have never seen a more cooperative co-parenting relationship. I pretty much play a "nice lady" role to his kids, never trying to involve myself in any of the "motherly" duties. I still in a way feel like the "other woman" and I don't want to step on her toes. Besides, he's got his own way of doing things, and you would think he was a mom. This guy never stops when he has his kids for his weekend. He's changing diapers, playing games, going to gymnastics and baseball, doing laundry, giving baths, and anything else that concerns his kids, he's there. He does more for his kids than I ever possibly could when i was a single parent, struggling to make ends meet. I was exhausted and angry and I know things would have been a lot easier on me if my kids' father hadn't tried to screw up my life every chance he got. He won't even speak to me, let alone parent with me. If I had the co-parenting relationship that they are modeling, I would have made a much better parent. Not to say that i was a bad parent, my kids have turned out pretty great considering, but his "perfect" example makes me feel like a loser (I know, this is all in my head, and I'm speaking with a therapist about this inferiority complex I have)
So, onto present day. We're now living together and we have a much nicer place than I could ever have obtained by myself. We're in a much nicer neighborhood too. My kids have actually brought their grades up a couple grade points! Things seem to be looking up. Now all of a sudden I am forced to look at myself.
I am having jealous feelings like i have never experienced before. I'm envious that his ex can get all the "perks" of being divorced, ie., regular child support and 24-help just a phone call away, and she takes great advantage of it - she calls multiple times daily to speak about this and that (of course it all has to do with the kids in some way or another, of course it's always about the kids), and he answers every phone call. This weekend was his off weekend but because she got to keep the kids on Mother's day, he got the kids an extra day this weekend. He doesn't miss 1 visitation day, and they're schedule is always the same (God! That sounds so nice!) So this weekend he had his kids, and he also managed to go over to her house while she was at church and fix her computer. He called me to tell me he was on his way home, when she requested that he cut her grass, so of course he did - because he's a nice guy.
I know, in a perfect world, I shouldn't be feeling any sort of jealousy whatsoever. My kids don't seem jealous, why am I? I feel like I will always be second best because I'm not the mother of his children. I will never get that kind of preferential treatment. Now that he is with me, I think his guilt compells him to continue to be nice, to a point where i think his children will become spoiled. He can't say no, because he's a nice guy. And of course, my trying to be honest about my feelings only makes him angry at me. There are days that I miss being his mistress, honestly, it was easier in the aspect that I wasn't jealous like this. I accepted my position. I didn't have to take on the responsibilities that he so strongly must adhere to. I need to come to an acceptance. I have absolutely no control over this. I need to find something in my own life, for me, that I can find satisfying while he continues to do his responsibilities that may leave me alone.
Of course, I'm always trying to find things to do with my children so they don't feel jealous that he's gone doing things with his kids, but as far as hobbies for myself, I have none. I have forgotten who I am because of 8 years of drama. How do I learn to forgive and move on and be a happy individual?
He is really a nice guy, and that carries more good weight than bad. I need to keep on loving him. He's much better than dating a creep.
Sorry so long winded. Needed to get it all out.
Welcome
Hi Ms. Nice Guy,
I agree. It sounds like you need to find something that is all your own.
I too was a "young mom". I had my first child just six weeks after my 16th birthday. I worked part time, finished high school and went to beauty college to support me and my daughter. At 21 I took up bar tending...By 24 I had another daughter and was a divorcee..I supported myself and my two girls totally alone with out an ounce of child support from either of their biological fathers.
Met current hubby 7 years ago, we have his daughter and a five year old son between us. When our son was 3 months old I went back to school. In april 2004 I graduated as the valedictorian of my graduating class with an associates degree in paralegal studies. In four weeks I will be finished with school and have my bacholars degree in Criminal justice with a minor in Forensic Investigations and a Major in Forensic Psychology. I will be 39 in September..
The moral of the story is that it is NEVER to late to go back to school. I have been through very similar situations as you have and it is my personal opinion that poverty is a choice. We all have the ability to pull ourselves out of poverty. It just takes a bit of determination and belief in our abilities to do it and to take care of ourselves..
I believe that you can do it. Being in a relationship should always be about want and not need. Simply meaning that you should have that person in your life because you want them there. But knowing that if it doesn't work out you can take care of you and your kids all by yourself and that you don't need anyone else to help you do that or do it for you.
Please don't feel that I am judging you because I am not. I am just sharing what I have learned through my experiances. I wish you luck and welcome
Your story is so inspiring...
and I thank you for your post. My goal for my life was to be a wife and a mother. A secondary education was not in my plans. I did, however, take a home correspondence course and got a certificate in medical transcription. This allowed me to work at home and raise my kids, and this was what made me happy. Unfortunately, the MT business being outsourced to India has caused wages to plummet. It's a great job if you have a husband bringing home the bacon, but to raise 3 kids alone it really sucked! I considered starting work outside the home, but with the cost of daycare and my skill level, I would only qualify for something low-income, and the cost of gas, daycare, and clothing, I may as well just stay where I'm at. I love working at home. It scares me to death to go back to school. I can barely get a handle on my son's 4th grade homework, and I don't even look at the 6th and 7th grade stuff. I was an average high school student, but I never thought I was college material. I signed up for a community college and got through 1/2 a semester, and it was just a disaster. But why does my worth have to depend on what degree I hold? I want to find something that makes me happy, but I don't think school is it. I'm not going to completely rule it out though. I'm always thinking of things I want to do "when I grow up," and I'm not going to stop. Thanks again.
Boundries ...
First, Kudos to Stepmother's Child, and I agree with her post ... it's never too late to "reinvent yourself." Figure out what you want to do with your life and go for it. Sounds like DH would be supportive. As much as I love DH I will never get past my moto in life, "no one will take care of me except for me."
Now, about your specific situation ... My DH's ex had that ideology too ... that they would be friends, he'd be there to fix things for her, to support her, etc. Not so ... so, I can understand where the expectation is coming from. However, DH needs to realize that he owes her nothing anymore. You need to be appreciative of the fact that they have a good relationship still ... you read what we all go through.
I would sit down and talk with DH ... tell him you appreciate his good working relationship with Ex, but it's kind of bothering you. Don't use the word jealous ... just tell him it makes you feel like you take a back seat to her and her needs. Ask him if you two could come up with a compromise on some of these sutations. My guess is, if he is Mr. Nice Guy ... he will understand, and you two will be able to come to some sort of agreement.
But regardless ... remember, you can do anything you want to do ... you CAN find a way to support you and your children. And also ... if you do go to school, finish, and get a job ... your money can be play money for the family ... trips, vacations, nice toys, etc.
Take care,
~ Katrina
Thanks for the kind comment
I agree with the boundaries thing, and so I am keeping vigilent of it - maybe too vigilent. I think because we were both responsible for the demise of his marriage, and she did nothing wrong to deserve this cheating, we both feel like we deserve what we get. Of course, this doesn't do us any good for our relationship. How long do we have to pay for our mistake? So, he's trying to do the right thing by being there for her and the children as a father and a provider, and he's doing an excellent job of it. So, we have to be able to move on from this affair and get some boundaries. I have talked to him about my concerns, but I think it is a dead subject. I have to not sweat the small stuff and worry more about when his kids get older and he can't say no to them. To him, everything concerning his kids (or not) is important. He "has" to do them. Never an explanation, just that he "has" to, and if he doesn't the whole world will fall apart? I never thought we could argue as much as we do now. I'm just going to concentrate on myself right now. Like you said, "no one will take care of me except for me," and I accept that advice wholeheartedly.
Sorry to hear it
It seems like your DH is basically living the same life that he did when he was married, except that he simply switched wives. He had the both of you to contend with for all of those years before he got divorced, and he's still at it. The only difference now is that she knows. I also imagine that he's got a great deal of guilt about the situation and his "nice guy" attitude is probably very much about that. This might explain some of his behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. DH needs to decide which family is his and be a part of it instead of bouncing back and forth between the two. Just because he was married to her, or because he cheated, doesn't mean that he needs to spend his life doing for the ex. What happened happened. He needs to make a choice and move forward.
I TOTALLY agree with the other posts. Going back to school is a fantastic idea. My sister is currently in a PhD program and she told me that there are 2 people in the same program that are over 50. I think this is wonderful. You are NEVER too old, too tired, too string-out, too incapable of bettering yourself. For some, it's school, for others, it's simply finding a hobby that opens a new world, or helps you relax. Your life has very much been defined by securing something for yourself, and now that you've got it, you don't feel like you've got a purpose. And that is WRONG. Please don't get down on yourself about the way you raised your kids. DH might be a great dad, but he's NOT a full-time Dad. It's a lot easier to be Mister Mom when it's sporadic. And it seems like the financial stress you had is not an issue for DH. Those things alone make your experiences SO different. We all do the best we can and we do ourselves an injustice by measuring our worth against our perception of someone else's. I sense that you feel unworthy--of his kids' love, of happiness, of calm, of betterment. Don't. You have been in a role for so long and you're still forcing yourself into that mold, but it doesn't fit anymore.
I also wanted to touch on something that I might be completely OFF on...but you talked about DH as being a nice person, a great father, a good provider...but what about your lover? Your friend? Your partner? Is that missing? Look, I'm no therapist, but I think you might do well to seek one out and talk about some of the things that are welling up inside of you. And also, I would start looking into taking some classes. If DH is as supportive a guy as you say, he will probably be happy about it. Before you know it, you'll have earned some credits, then maybe can think about moving toward a degree. Your options will be much more vast if you have an education. Just something to think about. I know it's daunting, but 4 years will come whether or not you commit to education, you know?
Best of luck!
Krissy
Great comments
I agree with you that I think he gets kind of a high being needed by 2 women like this. He definitely has the romantic feelings for me though. I agree that we have switched places. We're still in his life as significant people, but now she gets the help that she needs, and yet I still feel like the other woman. She is double special now, she is the mother of his children. I guess we both feel guilt about the whole thing, but i think he feels like he is forced to pay for it. I don't think he can see what he is doing at all. I don't think he is purposely trying to put a wedge between us, but because he is such a nice guy he will never say no, and that could become a problem when big issues come up. He just won't budge when he "has" to do something.
Please read above for the school response, thanks again for the encouragement.
As far as loving him, I do love him because he is a major step up from the creeps that I have loved in the past, and he was the only one who was there for me from the very beginning of my painful divorce, and in my moments of weakness, I accepted that help. Now that he has divorced his wife, I feel like I owe it to him to give it a chance. I know I have really poor judgement concerning men, but he's a good man, so I feel I should love with my head this time instead of my heart - sure, it doesn't feel as good, but that lovey dovey stuff fades with all relationships, and you have to find a real reason to love him. There are lots of reasons to love him, but I admit, I'm not madly in love. I know you will all be mad after you read that - I'm needy, I admit it. All I wanted out of life was to be a wife and a mother, and so that's what I set out to do. I'm working on these issues, so thanks for all the encouragement and not being judgemental. This site has been a Godsend for getting out our true feelings, and now maybe I can actually work on them.
Never see yourself as a loser.
NCP should have rights too! You must always remember that success is as much about who you are being as what you are doing. Success is not found in the destination we arrive at, but in our journeys there. Your self esteem and self worth should never be defined by those around you, your husband, your children or anyone else. Your self worth is based soley upon you and your ablity to credit yourself with the fact that no matter how bad things have gotten or could possibly ever get, you continue forward. We are all disappointed if we fail in area's of our lives, but we would all be doomed if we never even tried. One of my favorite quotes is by Mother Teresa...."I know God would never give me anything I cannot handle, I just wish sometimes that he wouldnt trust me so much"( Lord knows we all feel this way sometimes)..Search yourself, there are so many things to fill your life with, do you love the arts, children, the outdoors, volunteer at the YMCA, volunteer at a museum ect. As for your husband helping his ex..I agree, sit down and discuss how these actions are making you feel, be sure not to use any attack words, like ( you should. or you shouldnt) Do not attack him...attack the problem...I love that you are so kind hearted, that is what drew me to you, however, I am feeling...... Also, try to start doing things as a family. Why are you and your children sitting at home when he is taking his kids to do something...why not go together...I understand he may want some one on one time with his children, but not every time.Counceling is indeed something you may want to consider, for yourself first and foremost, and possibly for hubby and you together.As for furthering your education, I agree that this is a wise piece of advice, as I dont believe we can ever educate ourselves enough..women in general need to be capable of relying on themselves.I myself am 39 and in school(agian) as well. I agree with krissy, Our minutes become days, become weeks, become months, become years, become the sudden relization that there is no more looking forward, only looking back...Dont regret the things you did not do .
Btw, congrats septembers child!!