How Do I Reply To This?
I was quite surprised when I opened the mailbox Saturday afternoon and saw an envelope from bm addressed to my husband and I. But the the actual letter was addressed to me.She has been incarcerated 8 months. This entire time she has not asked to speak to us when she calls the kids to ask how they are doing in school, healthwise or just in general. I mean she never even said thanks for accepting her calls.
On her birthday and Christmas I purchased cards and had the kids make her things and I sent them off. I would have them write her weekly as well as make sure they were mailed off. We used to pay for the calls, but we stopped when she refused to terminate the child support. We ahd to pay an attorney and take her to court. She could have made thing simple by signing the agreed entry to terminate child support order. Now she calls every once in a while when she can get a third party call from her brother.
In the letter she stated that she wanted to apologize for the past and all the things that she did wrong. She said she hoped that we could let the past be in the past. Then she said " I am respectfully writing to see how the boys are. I would like to first apologize for the past. I know we have not always seen eye to eye and have had a substantial amount of disagreements between us and I would just like to apologize for my faults." Then she gives us advice on how to take care of the 8 year-old who goes to an alternative school. He is currently labeled as bipolar, but the doctors and therapists are starting to think he is suffering from learned behavio, oppositional defiant disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder from all of the violence that he has seen, especially the murder. She also went on to say "He requires a lot of extra attention and extra time...things can be overwhelming with his behavior issues...He requires extra special attention and time."
We feel like a lot of his "behavior issues" are because she has enabled him. He is very fond of saying that he has to take medicine to control his temper, per what mom has told him. At home he is very well behaved and polite. At school he is a terror.
We have done much already to support him. We have picked him up everytime that he has been sent home or suspended from school, he has been sent home about 8 times and suspended twice. We go to ALL of his school events including case conferences, family nights, and other activities, we have already scheduled a day off to volunteer in his classroom, I am going to teach his class a couple of folk dances as a part of their art therapy classes, we have him in counseling, we do extra work with him when he gets home, we try to redirect him to make better choices, we attended a seminar for bipolar children, we just love him! But we don't enable him, we just want to empower him. And she of course would know all of this if she would communicate with us. The kids don't tell her anything about their life with us. i think they know it would hurt her feelings if they seem like they are enjoying themselves. And she doesn't ask any questions that would make them mention us. I have heard snippets of their conversation with her and she pretty much keeps things general.
And I'm not saying that she shouldn't have written, I guess I am just questioning her motives. I'm SURE she is concerned about her children, what mother wouldn't? I actually thought that she would have swallowed her pride and written thses words several months ago. She is about to go to prison next week and she won't be able to utilize third party calling. I read between the lines of her very long letter and determined that she wants us to pay for her collect calls again. And I guess was a little offended that she thinks that she is the only one capable of taking care of her kids. I maen I have even read books about kids who suffer from behavior/mental issues.
My question, when I write her back, and I am going to, what do I say? All is not forgiven. I am still working on that. We are not opposed to keeping her informed about the boys', I just don't want to give her the impression that we are at her beck and call if that makes sense. And I still have some hurt feelings about many of the things she did (such as pretending to be me and calling 4 funeral homes looking for 3 foot caskets and prices for a funeral saying that my son had died). But, on the otherhand, I'm sure that it was very difficult for her to even write--let alone apologize. I don't want to drudge up the past especially since she has made the first effort. So how do I handle this? Delicately of course, but guys she is so manipulative, I just don't want to used by her. And we have already decided that we are not paying for her to call. She never wanted her kids here and even fainted in the jail when her brither told her that he had dropped the kids off at our house!
I'm just confused, but I want to do the right thing and still have my dignity intact. Over the months I have written her several times and of course, never mailed them. I didn't want to offend her or her to misconstrue my intentions. So I prayed and waited.
Please let me know your thoughts.
Wow ... tough one ...
As for the phone calls, I'm not sure it's in the children's best interests not to have phone contact with their mother, even if she is in prison. She earns money in prison, at least most people do. She should do the repsonsible thing, earn enough money to get a pre-paid phone card, and then call the children - if they can do that. If not, then I would say that once per week, at a given day and time that works with your family's schedule, she should be able to call, and talk to each child. Put a time limit on the phone calls. If they don't want to talk to her, they shouldn't have to. But I think not allowing them to talk to her on the phone may hurt their relationship with you and your huband in the future. Especially when she tells them that she wanted to call them, but you two wouldn't let her.
Now, for the letter ... tough one. I could only wish that BM would send me a letter appologizing for all the crap she has done - nothing compared to your situation though. I would tell her that you accept her appology, but that you aren't ready to appologize just yet. That you are trying to get to that point, but ... thank her for the advice about caring for the mentally challenged child, and reassure her that you and husband have everything under control in that regard. Let her know everything you guys are doing. And maybe end the letter with, the children deserve your appology more than I do.
I don't know ... it's a tough situation, but I would just keep the letter amicable ... as much as you may want to snipe ... don't ... be the bigger person.
~ Katrina
We are One
Ok, you and I are in the EXACT same situation right now. My SD suffers from post traumatic stress disorder from the abuse and neglect she suffered during her stays with BM. She also has ADHD, possibly Bipolar, but they say they cannot confirm that yet because she is only five. She also suffers from an adjustment disorder and attachment disorder. To sum it up she is one pissed of, f#cked up kid (excuse my language but it is the only way to put it). BM went to prison AGAIN (3rd time in my SD's short little life). SHe has three years this time. BM has been incarcerated since December. We do all the things like you to make sure that we are involved in every way. Not to mention therapists, psychiatrists, family counseling, parenting classes... SO, first and foremost, I commend you on stepping up to the plate and taking such an active role. It is a hard decision on a daily basis, but I guess true love allows for that.
Now, for BM calling. Once she is transferred to prison and no longer in county, she will be working. She can use this money in her account to buy a prepaid card to call. She can also ask a family member to put money on her books that she can use to make phones call as well. We originally chose to not let BM speak to my SD. This was a bad choice and since allowing the calls, her behavior has improved. Just monitor the content of the calls. We just explained to BM that SD is pretty messed up right now and in her best interest, she needed to respect our parenting decisions. We would allow calls anytime that she had the ability, but it would be her resposnibility to pay for these calls. She **surprisingly** agreed. I have also agreed to keep the mail going too. I have SD write, color pix, etc and mail them. BM sends things too, we make sure to check in out before letting SD have it. It is helping.
Now onto the letter. Prior to my SD's BM going away, it was UGLY to say the least. But I decided to take te initiative first and actually wrote her a letter. I explained that we all make mistakes, I am not one to judge. I told her that I prayed for her and prayd that she find the strength to be able and straighten her life out someday. I continued to tell her that it was her fault that SD is suffereing so and that she needed to realize that her poor choices not only hurt SD, but also our entire family including my BD. I wanted her to know that it is a dominoe affect. Again I went back to telling her that I had forgiveness for her because harboring anger only harms the person carrying it. I told her that she needed to understand that all of the choices my DH and I make right now are in the best interes of the child and she needs to respect that. That whatever hostility she had with DH was not the issue now and he and I were very good parents and would do everything to care for the child. I told her that my love for her daughter was equal to that of my own, that I would give my life for my SD and that she is good hands. I promised her that I would never let communication end and that I spend alot of time talking with SD about BM and reassuring her that her mom is a good person who made some bad choices. I was firm with my points, but also compassionate. She called me crying, thanking me. I was shocked!!!! When faced with the loss of their freedom, I think people take a hard look at themselves. She is probably just dealing with her own demons and trying to make amends. I wouldn't be TOO hard on her for the past. Remember that we all have a past. I hope this helps a little. Sorry it got so long, but I felt it was important. Good Luck and let me know what you decide to do.
Thanks
Thanks for replying Mocha. We don't prevent her from calling, we are just not going to pay for her to call.
I really appreciate your post going crazy. It is a tough spot to be in and I know that you can relate. I started drafting my letter this morning. I do want to be compassionate yet firm. I realize that it was probably hard for her to do and I don't want to scare her away by being abrasive.I don't want to be hard on her at all, I just don't see her as the victim in the matter. The choice she made affected many people. I have had many sleepless nights over the whole ordeal. And despite our hostile relationship, I can empathize with her as a mother. I would have a very difficult time being away from my child for any extended period of time. I am not by any means a cruel person and wouldn't dream of snipping at her during this critical time.
I think it is important to us all that we get the communication up and running. And I know if I don't handle this right that we will be back at square one. Thanks again for the tips!!! I will keep you posted.
P.S. How often to you write/talk to her? Do you take your stepdaughter to visit her?
Sometimes
being locked away does make someone take a hard look at themselves, while they are there. When they get out, however, things seldom change. I'm not saying never, just seldom. In your letter, Morocco, I would let her know that you are working on forgiving her and that you are no longer angry, as that only hurts you, you are just working through all the hurtful things she has done to put it aside. I can;t agree with Mocha on the phone calls, to begin with, accepting collect calls from jail gets expensive, secondly, why would her children want to be reminded weekly of where their mother is. If they do want to talk, they can write her a letter asking her call at a certain time, with your knowledge, of course.
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
I Know
I know what you are saying. That's why I don't completely trust her motives. I could see her getting out and returning to her same evil ways. Many people "reform" only while they are incarcerated. Collect calls are very expensive, I know from experience! And the prison calls are much more expensive than the jail calls.And our first financial obligation is to take care of the children. We are not made of money.
No Visits
Morroco... as far as visits go... ABSOLUTELY NOT. The children will be worried about BM anyway and to see that sort of environment will only cause more pain. At least this is what the therapist told us. So far she has been right on every other account. I have my SD sit down once a week to send something. It is a good outlet for her. Her BM sends something once a week as well. I alsways try and send something too, usually just a note updating her on what SD has done that week in school, Girl Scouts, etc. I don't get carried away or overly friendly because I have no desire to be her savior. But I am thankful to her for giving birth to this child that I have been chosen to raise. This week, I am going to send a mom's day card, some school work and SD new school pix. You will see that once the routine is down pat, the communication is open per your terms, the situation will become easier. And remember that as your Skids are dealing with this, you may be on the recieving end of their anger and pain. You are the "mom" symbol. I have been through hell and back to get to the point I am at now. And everyday is still tough. But the kids are worth it and their actions towards you (that will come) are not for you. Keep that in mind
It Will Be Tough
She has already written them and told them that her other son's father will be bringing them to see her. Of course, she did not ask my husband if this was okay. I'm sure that their brother's dad would do it because he took his son to see her in jail. It would not go over well if we did not allow them to visit her--with them or her. I don't think the kids would understand and she would just think that we are trying to take them away from her. And they have visited two of her brothers in prison before, so I think they have a general idea of the set-up. Several of the therapist stated that now would not be a good time because they are not emotionally stable. I would hate to deny them this though. It could help. But my husband and I will make the decision together and just pray that we make the right one.
I finally finished my letter to her. I had to type it because it is so long. I gave her an update on her children asked she requested. I think I was firm and fair and gave her the information she wanted. My tone was cordial. We'll see. My girlfriend read it for me and she said that it was a good letter and that she shouldn't be offended if she is sincere in her effort to communicate.
I totally forgot about mother's day! I guess I should get something off!
To be honest. Does her
To be honest. Does her letter really need a response? I have found that when your not sure what to say, its better not to say anything at all. Just a thought
I Wrote Back
I guess deep down I knew what to say--I just wanted to say it in the right way. I did acknowledge her apology but I stated that I was still working through the events of the past and I would continue to do so. I then gave her an update on the kids. I ended by telling her that we would always keep her informed about the kids.
Thanks so much for posting. I will let you all know how or if she responds.