Need help with two exwives
I am in a very difficult situation. My husband has two exwives who are best friends and they both hate me. He shares joint custody of the kids ages 16,15 with the first wife and 5 yr old girl with the second wife. I have a 7yr old boy from my first marriage. My husband pays 1,350 on child support every month plus an additional 300.00 a month for other expenses that the first wife "doesn't have any money for". This doesn't bother me at all. Even if my husband and I had to live in a tent so they could have everything I would do it. I belive of putting the kids first. But that is not the problem. They both get together every weekend with the kids and all they do is talk about what a horrible person their father is. My husband picks up his children almost every day which is wonderful. They still don't think that he is a good father. Not to mention the things they say about me. My stepson says that they are so nasty that sometimes he has to cover his ears. Don't know what to do anymore!! My husband's family tells me that I should have a talk with them. The first wife threatened to hit me if she sees at a store or anywhere near her. I want to have a good relationship with them because I think it would be beneficial for the kids. Should I even try or just forget about it? What do you all think?
Double Trouble!
We all complain about 1 BM and here you are with 2. I am not sure if making any efforts will do any good, until they are ready to act like adults. I would just kill em with kindness... don't give em any ammunition to work with and let things take their natural course. They will either get over it, or not. Kudos to the stepson for covering his ears. It has taken me a long time and a lot of blog entries to understand that WE cannot control what happens when BM has the kids. They are going to say what they want, when they want to whomever they want... even if they are being "civil" at any given time- you can be pretty certan that they are still talking the same crap, just covering it up with a smile. What they don't understand is that CRAP STILL STINKS, EVEN IF YOU COVER IT WITH A PRETTY FLOWER. You can tell when it is genuine and not. You only have control over your own actions... just do your best to make sure your actions are for the greater good of those kids. Sounds like you have your head on pretty straight, you know what the right thing to do is, follow your instincts and you will be just fine! Luck to you!
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice. I just picked up my stepkids from school and stepson told me that BM is complaining because I want to buy him a car. He is a very good kid, graduating from high school soon top 10% of his class and will go to law school in August. I think he deserve it. She thinks that I should give her the money to buy the car and let her take credit for it without telling him because she is the mom and I am not. Weird woman. I don't understand her. Anyway i love the kids and if this is going to make them happy I will do it in a heartbeat.
You have a good heart
Keep it up. You are doing the right thing by the kids. They sound like they are easy for you to love and there is no reason for you not to do what you can, or want to if you have the means to do so and they deserve such treatment. BM is a real piece of work, give her the money... please, at this point though he sounds like a smart kid.. you could probably do just that and he would KNOW that it was you that did it and not his mother. Not that giving into her behavior is the right thing to do... just seems like he knows what is REALLY going on.
2 can play the game....
I really feel for you having 2 of them! It's not just 2 sets of issues with you and the step-kids it's how evil and out of proportion things will be blown with 2 women out to get one person. My advice to you is to play the game but in a way that will benefit the kids. We never bag BM to SS although she does enough for both of them!! When SS says to you that they are nasty, you just say to SS that it's ok for them to say what they like but you and me know the truth about me and when you are with us it doesn't matter what they say. So you don't have to say a bad word about her, just always let them know that you love them no matter what BM says. I think you are already doing a great job by the sounds of SS talking to you openly about it but you said there was a younger one, so make sure he knows too. About the car, just smile and nod..he sounds like a great kid with a great SM. Good luck to you and hubby.
Catch xx
I deal with two also...
And first off let me tell you... if the kids are in the middle, then it's time to do something about it.
You might want to teach the kids to respond to the BM's by saying... "Please do not talk about my Dad/Stepmom in front of me" "Please do not talk that way about blank", etc. If the kids stand up and voice out, then the message might actually get through to them that they are upsetting the kids. And it will give the kids a voice and confidence. The kids should leave the room as soon as they start their bashing mode, too.
Second, don't play games with them... believe me it will back fire. Instead, focus focus focus on the kids... PERIOD. Ignore the rest... literally. Actions speck louder than words, and the kids will pick up on the truth because when they, the BM's bash you in front of the kids, then come to your home and you focus on them, they will put the pieces together. But by all means, it's better not to draw attention to the games, believe me.
So, my suggestion to you is to start to make connections with the kids. Make a solid committed 'family night' with everyone- movies, board games, charades, etc, get really involved as a family and then individually try to tap into each child with something that you can share with them individually. Such as baking, cooking, music, whatever you've got to share. Play video games with them, act silly, make them laugh. Play with them. It will gooo so much farther because you're showing them a totally different side of things.
Also, it is not your place to talk to these two women, because then they will know that it is getting to you. They do it because they are both insecure and boosting each other up. It's the pow-wow hour, pony up and fluff their feather out to make themselves feel better about themselves. I would ignore them, literally. If the kids have issues, build their confidence up to tell them to ask them to stop talking in their presence, and if it really gets bad, they should leave the room as soon as it happens. These two women are using the kids to get to you because they have nothing else better to do and it's their common ground.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
It hurts so much
Today I picked up SD from school at 9:45am. Her mother took her to school in the morning even though she was sick and had a fever. BM told SD to call SM(me) if she wanted to go home. BM went to work and I had to go pick her up. I took care of her all day. At 3:00pm I picked up SS from school and she called him on his cell phone. I heard her say "Are you in the car with the pig?". I pretended I didn't hear anything. My SS started laughing. I know I shouldn't be paying attention to what she says about me but I can't help it. It hurts so much. I've been crying since I dropped him off. What did I do to this woman? My DH and her were divorced for over 10 years when we got together. It hurts so much.
It's not you...
It's the fact that she's bitter and insecure about her own failing in her marriage with your now DH. She's doing it because she's completely insecure and afraid that for some reason you'll 'take her place' in her children's hearts. It's competition, and unfortunately, I have no idea why these women do this. They are threatened by us... the new woman. To me, it's like... Um... YOU left HIM... get over it! But for me, she thought that he'd come running back to her, tail between the legs, and chase her... guess what. He didn't. He was spent, and so she was even more bitter. But, FINALLY, she has moved on this past year... THANK GAWD! It was awful, and I've been dealing with SS's BM for the last 7 years.... I am now just starting with my SD's BM, unfortunately, so we'll see how this goes.
They are sooo bitter and blinded by their personal vendettas that they have no idea what, whom and how they affect others- only that it makes themselves feel better. It's really hard, I know. It takes a mountain of strength to 'ignore' the obvious 'meant to be heard' comments. Over time, you'll learn to develop of 'suit of armor' of thick skin.
What I suggest that you do is develop a strong inner self of confidence. Which is why I so suggest that you take the approach of tapping into the kids. Fight fire with fire. Instead of even giving any hint or attention to the BM's bashing. If you constantly keep reinforcing to yourself, about your self, then it will just roll off your back. You really need to look past BM's antics and just really see it for what it is... she's unhappy, miserable. Whatever she's trying to portray as a 'happy' life, isn't- when she's bashing about someone else. That's jealousy, insecurity, not confidence. It's a false sense of confidence. People who bash about other people aren't truly honest with themselves or confident- they have to 'talk it up' to boost themselves. Sad.
The other thing that I found useful was leading by example for the kids. One thing I found that really helped was to have regular conversations with the kids regarding respect for others... not eluding to BM's bashing, but sending the message loud and clear about regard for other's around them. Giving them examples all the time, and reversing the situation on to them... then ask them... How would you feel? What happens is that without eluding or blatantly pointing out the BM bashing, they will come to their own conclusions that... Oh, this is wrong, and may turn around and actually defend you- but you have to have a solid relationship in order for this to work... so work on those relationships.
I don't get the point why BM sent SD to school, only to have you go pick her up... that's something that my SS's BM would do too... I just don't understand these women, I really don't.
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...