disagreement over how support is paid
My boyfriend and I have been living together for over a year now. We're engaged and decided that rather than keep our money separate any longer it would be easiest to simply put it all in one account. It has been working out fine with one exception. My bf refuses to write a cheque for his child support. I asked him to do this as it's partly my money and since he always pays her in cash he has no proof of payment. There's a bit more to the issue. He is not on the birth certificate and the mom has had a child put in foster care before. I am concerned that if his daughter is removed it would be much easier for him to gain custody if he has proof of past child support payments. Just before he was to pay her last month he said "if you make me give her a cheque you will not get sex for awhile". What????? I keep telling him that if we're to be married he must first overcome his fear of her. I really don't understand how he can be so afraid of making her angry. It's still the same amount of money. Can I please have some advice?
document it all
If you have read anyone's blogs on this issue you will know how badly for you things can go wrong with not having proof of payment. Your fiance is asking for future problems if this women should decide to cause them, and if it is your money in the account as well, it becomes your problem too. By writing a cheque, there is physical proof of support, and the bm gets what is written on the cheque..she doesn't lose any money. I think I would be more concerned about the name missing on the birth certificate though. Should this bm lose her child again, support will not be an issue, but his custody rights may be. It is sad that so many bf's must feel the need to tipy toe around these women for fear of repercussions...ie/ losing contact with the child. good luck!
Hmm...
Hmm...my intuition tells me something fishy is going on here. Why would he be opposed to paying by check? If I were in your shoes, just to be on the safe side, I would ditch the idea of a joint account and put my money into a separate account. After that, I'd try to find out why on earth he insists on paying with cash.
His reasoning is that if he
His reasoning is that if he has always given her cash, he should continue to do it that way. He's concerned that she will think I put him up to this, lol. I said tell her that we are getting married and combine our money now and I want a reciept of where my money is going. She may not like it but it's the same amount of money. I don't see what the issue is.
cll1764 he pays it because
cll1764 he pays it because it's what he thinks he should do. There is no child support order because as far as the government is concerned he's not the dad. Oh, I guess the main reson he is not on the birth certificate is that she was on welfare at the time and is still on welfare. I don't think the government would come after my bf for repayment but if they did it would be nice to have reciepts. I think it's a big, big mess. I can't believe he let her talk him into that.
No More Cash!!!
If he's been ordered to pay child support, or if he plans on having his name ever put on the birth certificate, he needs to pay with just about anything other than cash. My fiance got a settlement several years ago, and got caught up on child support-in cash. He gave her literally thousands of dollars. She got breast implants, and now he's still to this day in arrears, even though he already paid her. Ditching the joint account is a smart idea, too. If he gets in arrears (which will happen if the child support is court-ordered-she's probably not dumb enough to tell the court that she's been paid), they will take the money out of the joint bank account. I have read that if you have your own personal account, they cannot garnish that, even when you guys are married. I wouldn't know from personal experience, though. We had a joint bank account, but they closed it because we are too poor to keep money in it. Real nice, seeing as she gets $95 per week for one kid.
No More Cash!!!
If he's been ordered to pay child support, or if he plans on having his name ever put on the birth certificate, he needs to pay with just about anything other than cash. My fiance got a settlement several years ago, and got caught up on child support-in cash. He gave her literally thousands of dollars. She got breast implants, and now he's still to this day in arrears, even though he already paid her. Ditching the joint account is a smart idea, too. If he gets in arrears (which will happen if the child support is court-ordered-she's probably not dumb enough to tell the court that she's been paid), they will take the money out of the joint bank account. I have read that if you have your own personal account, they cannot garnish that, even when you guys are married. I wouldn't know from personal experience, though. We had a joint bank account, but they closed it because we are too poor to keep money in it. Real nice, seeing as she gets $95 per week for one kid.
cheri, I question if he is.
cheri, I question if he is. He says he is sure he's the dad but who really knows. Maybe this is why he's afraid to make the mom mad.
oh, he says he has
oh, he says he has "witnesses" that have seen him pay her cash. I just don't get how he thinks that will help him. I makes me mad enough to consider giving up. He doesn't seem to understand what the consequences can be. Why wouldn't he just humor me and do it. It might do some good and surely won't do any harm.
Yes, have proof of payment!
And she may very well throw a fit. I throw fits all the time - and no one gives a doodle! And if she does throw a fit - it's because she wants to continue have him over a barrel. That would mean that she couldn't come back 2 or 3 years from now and say that he hadn't paid her anything. My ex-husband always paid me in cash instead of going through he courts, and I documented every single cent he paid, and he did too, but when he lost his job, and I had to take him back to court, I even testified to the amount he had paid in cash, and the judge STILL ordered him to re-pay it. For the love of GAWD, make him see understand the importance of documentation (proof.)
Good luck!
Run, do not walk, to the nearest attorney...
There's no court order and he's not the legal father. He's not even the presumed father! While he may actually be the biological father, she has to prove this in a court of law by either proffering a birth certificate showing his name on it or the results of a paternity test. If she's done neither and there is no court order, then why in the hell is he paying her? He's not even sure it's his child! This sounds VERY suspicious to me. She could've left the father blank on the birth certificate so that she could always name someone else later. I would check your state's laws on CS to find out if he even would have to pay any retro support. Our oldest has two dads, my hubby, who is the presumed and legal father, and her biological father. Paternity was established in the BF when she was four and he did not have to pay back to her birth. He just had to start paying as of the date paternity was determined. I also agree with those who advised you to keep your money separate, just in case. Unless it's written down, signed by a judge and filed at a courthouse, he isn't bound to support a child when there's any question as to paternity. And if his name is not on the birth certificate, then there's a question. I have no idea why he's handling this situation this way, I'm totally floored and stumped. It's very odd. Get him some info, maybe even an appt. with an attorney, whatever you need to do to get him the best info you can to guide him into a course of action that will protect him and ensure his rights if he does turn out to be the BF.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)`
dawnm~
What confuses me is that you said she is/was on Welfare. It may be different in your state, but usually Welfare will essentially force a court-ordered support order, or else the mother can't receive benefits. If there's no father listed on the birth certificate, they will ask her who the assumed father is, and take measures to get testing underway. So this definitely seems fishy. It sounds like it's possible
that she made a little "deal"~ ie, she won't name your BF so long as he and you pay her. The problem is that you could be paying for a child that's not even his! I agree with the others~ get your own account, and for goodness sake, don't feel obligated to help pay "support". What strikes me is that the child has no idea who their father really is...damn, it pisses me off when women don't care who they have kids with. Sorry, a little venting there...anyway, be careful and good luck!
good question sosmomof 6
I'm in New Brunswick Canada and yes she was asked several times who the dad was. She just said she didn't know who he was, some guy she met at a bar. She got away with it. You said perhaps she made a "deal" with my bf. She did in that she told him if he gave her support in cash she wouldn't name him as the father. He thought this was a good thing but now realises what a mistake it was. I think he would now like to change things but is afraid of any consequences. We went to see a counsellor about the kids and blending our family and she convinced him to document everything from here on out. He's not happy about it though, he thinks the bm will be angry when she realises that he will now have proof he pays her. It makes me sad that he is denied any rights to his own daughter and bm even had the nerve to give the kid her ex husbands last name.
He did it
Yesterday was the day my bf gives bm her child support money and he gave her a bunch of cheques. He actually put them in an envelope and left before she knew what they were. We haven't gotten a call from her yet, I think she's probably waiting to get him alone because I'm sure she is mad. Maybe she has realized that yelling won't solve anything and she won't say anything at all. I guess we'll find out tomorrow when we take sd home.
She had nothing to say
Well, we took SD home on Sunday and BM didn't even wave out the door. She had nothing to say about the cheques.I keep telling my bf he needs to take the steps necessary to get his name on the birth certificate (after a dna test of course) This was the first one and I think BM knows he's not going to take her crap anymore. At least I hope he won't.