Candice - here's the story
Apparently I was speaking from emotion and wasn't clear so I'm going to tell the story of how this happened...
Now, they were living in two different states. He is an officer and she is enlisted so that's fraternization. He told her they couldn't get married b/c for one they weren't even supposed to be together. So he told her get out of the military and they could be more serious. So 6 months into this relationship, she magically got pregnant and he was like OH LORD but he loved her so he really didn't know what to do but he knew he wasn't going to retire. And apparently before she got pregnant, he was with other women. She kept begging him for an engagement ring b/c people were asking her when are yall getting married. Unfortunately, he bought her one... according to him b/c she always threatened to turn him in to his higher ups. We met while she was in her first trimester because he was trying to get a job where I work. I'm not in the military though. We started dating but I didn't know who she was or whatever b/c I really think that when you first start dating someone, they might have a girlfriend anyway. Eventually, he was telling her different lies as to why he was not visiting her. He started at my job in December at which time, she no longer had his work number and where we work... you basically don't exist. If you look in any military system, he can't be found so he's not worried about her turning him in. So he stopped talking to her all together by end of January. I knew about her but he didn't tell me there was a baby. So, finally, he asked me to "let's do it, let's get married" after Valentine's Day this year but we had already talked about it so at that time, the baby was 5 months old. A month later, he told me he had a baby. A month after that, we got married.
Well...you have a very tough predicament...
I understand that you were typing from emotion, I do the same.
I just can't verbally describe how important it is for you to hold off having a baby until his situation is more clear, and resolved. I truly want you to be happy, and I feel I have some understanding of your situation b/c of my military and motherhood experience.
I was confused with your story initially b/c your title stated you didn't want to be a stepmother, but then you later stated your problems didn't lie with the baby, but rather with the mother.
Stepparenting is NOT easy by no means, and if you don't want to be a step mother, I will never judge you for that. It isn't for everyone, and trust me, there are times where I wish I wasn't a step mother! So please don't feel judged by me, I do want to help you in any way I can.
I think the man in your life has serious committment issues and he is deceitful, by the way you described him. Trying to move into another relationship, while you have a baby on the way, and doesn't even tell you about the baby on the way is a huge red flag.
Ladybug, I hope that you find it within yourself to demonstrate patience to allow all the bugs to be worked out of your relationship. I'm sure your dh is a wonderful man in numerous ways, however, he still has skeletons in his closet. As I said before, you don't want to be caring for an infant while you have court procedings for another child. He really needs to resolve all legal matters for all of his children, before you guys proceed with a family on your own. I make this recommendation b/c having a baby consumes your entire life. And in no way shape or form do you want that time contaminated by ex lovers and their drama. I have been so blessed with a son, and both myself and dh give him our full and undivided attention, b/c we were patient and got all of dh's mess cleaned up.
My bests to you, I hope you find strength and wisdom at this site...
Candice