BF appreciates NOTHING
I am new to the site and have found alot of information. I also see that this is a good place to vent and share things with others who go through similar situations. I have a long time problem and wonder if others deal with it too. I have been married to BF for seven years and there are 3 step children from two different biomoms. Since day one, both bio moms have been a nightmare for me and BF causing every problem they can to distance us from each other. I try to remember that is what they want, but becoming more difficult with BF attitude. Over the years we have dealt with child support modifications, lack of visitation, etc. Five years ago, I had to find money to pay an attorney to fight biomom#2 regarding child support and insurance paymes. Three years ago, Texas AG office started taking double payments from BF check without any notice or letter. When I contacted them to find out why, they explained that BF was in arrears over $20,000 with biomom #1. I knew this was not correct. I have always been the keeper of the files and very organized in doing so. I pulled all records from 1992 divorce from biomom #1 and sat up endless nights researching the records to find out where things went wrong. (I work full time by the way, get in at 7-8pm and have a young daughter of my own). I researched all hours of the night for countless days and discovered that AG office miscalculated payments made 11 years or so ago. I called AG office and they did not want to talk to us. They continuously put us off and unwilling to help. (What a system, huh?) We were trying to keep out of court and not have to hire an attorney as we are not made of money. We got nowhere with AG so I contacted an attorney to help. I did alot of the leg work, research, created notebooks, etc. to assist the attorney to help keep cost down, but $10,000 attorney fees later (and still paying), and a trip out of town, (our expense), judge agreed mistake was made. I got no thank you, no nothing from BF. Then shortly after that I have discovered that BF is seeing kids at biomom's #2, behind my back, attending b-day parties, etc. all behind my back. When his parents visit from out of town, they all visit behind my back while I am at work. I haev always had an open door for his kids to visit and have never NOT allowed them to come over, but am now finding that I am being shut out constantly. when the inlaws are here they sit in my home with BF and talk about how wonderful biomom #2 is and never thank me for what I do. I have been upset about it and he gets upset with me saying I knew he was previously married and knew what I was getting into. Then we were recently notifed by AG that biomom #2 wants more money, etc. and I am the one to have to pull records, etc. as before. If I don't do these things, BF will let it go. What kind of behavior is that when he has a family here now. And to keep saying "You knew, you knew I had kids" The kids and being previosly married have nothing to do wtih it, it is the lying and lack of appreciation for everything I do that is upsetting. When I ask BF to do things for OUR family he grunts and hesitates. Quite frankly I feel that this family is not important. I am on the edge and looking at possible divorce. I have always been by his side and you would never know it by his words. I have worked as many as 3 jobs in past when he was unemployed to keep his children's child support payments going, to make sure the kids have what they need, etc. I have worked 2 jobs full time and gone to school full time all at once, with a small child of my own (from previous marriage), all to hear him say "Too bad, you knew when you married me." Anyone else experience this? Do you agree with seeing the kids behind your back? I also know biomoms have said to BF in past that they DO NOT want me to be a part of kids lives and if he wants to see them he needs to leave me at home. Is it wrong for me to be upset that he GIVES IN to this? He has laws that give him visitation and I am his wife, I am the kids stepmom, bio mom like it or not. I have never mistreated the kids, always taken care of them.
Wow that is a lot to deal
Wow that is a lot to deal with and first off let me say that I commend you for all that you do! Like I said in my other post we have a similar situation with two biomoms and yes I feel your “pain” as it relates to doing the majority of the “leg” work! My husband also likes to put things off when it comes to getting paperwork together for Motions to Produce/Interrogatories etc…it does not upset me though that I help out with these things b/c I have a lot more free time during the day then he does (my job is HARDLY what anyone would call demanding and I recently graduated but he is still in school and working full time) also, I know that he is a procrastinator while I am a planner…I look at it as a strength/weakness thing and there are plenty other areas where he provides balance for me…BUT he is appreciative of my balance/role and that does help…he said the other day that if I weren’t in his life, he’d be going around in circles when it comes to some stuff…my first thing to tell you to do would be to back off on handleling everything, let something fall through the cracks and let him see how much you do but I know that is easier said then done b/c if he forgets to do something and they start to garnish his check, now that affects your household! Also, your working extra jobs to pay his child support…I’m not sure that I agree with that one! His child support is HIS responsibility! But again, him getting behind does affect your household financially so again that is a tough one! But let me get this straight, you work like a Hebrew Slave to pay his child support and then he sneaks off to the “fun stuff” like parties and such with out telling you and the biobitches say that you cannot attend now that has to be a place where you definitely draw the line in a sense YOU are paying support for kids you are not even allow to STEPparent?! He has to be held accountable and stand up for you…I am guessing that your marriage has problems outside of the kids b/c for him to leave you high and dry and lie to you b/c they request it shows where his loyalty lies and that is NOT acceptable! Have you guys tried counseling so that he can see where you are coming from?
Make a GREAT Day!
Holy crap
And I thought I had it bad! Actually, I've been through some of what you went through, as far as the spending years of my own time and money fighting a battle that was not even mine to fight. Have you considered trying out a financial split? I mean, the two of you sit down together and divide up your bills and then each of you be solely responsible for paying what you each have to pay. (Half the rent, half the insurance, half the groceries, etc.) Then whatever he doesn't pay, i.e. child support or whatever, is his sole responsibility to deal with the outcome. Get separate bank accounts and all of that. Maybe if he has to do all the legwork that you've been doing for him and dealing with the consequences of NOT doing that legwork, maybe he will appreciate all you've done or at least grow up a little bit about shouldering his share of the responsibility for your joint situation. Just back out of it and let him deal with it on his own, that way you are not stressing about it. As for visiting without you, there's something shady about that and I don't like it. I mean, there have been times when I wished my husband would go see his kids alone someplace else so that I didn't have to deal with them and their mother, but this sounds a little sneaky to me. What exactly is his agenda?!
~ Anne ~
Sucker SM
Hey Nise and Anne 8102.. I posted a different subject matter and you two replied. (Child support review) This stuff is NEVER ending. I know, I know, I have been told to back out and let BF handle it but as mentioned, it affects my household too. I HATE doing everything because he never appreciates it, never thanks me, never says a word other than "You knew I had kids when you met me" I think that is such a cop out. I am sooo resentful. And YES, can you believe that with all I have done to help him with the kids and biobitches (I LOVE THAT).. that he sees nothing wrong with visiting privately behind my back. The biobitch called several times and asked for BF, I asked what about and she said she wouldn't talk to me,, so I hung up. Of course later, I find out that he talked with her. I know it sounds suspicious, but BF isn't doing anything with biomom, he is just too afraid to speak up for his current wife or himself. He has always given in to her and when I bring it up he says no way does he give into her. He says he loves his kids and wants to talk to them, wants to see them.. THAT IS WHY HE HAS VISITATION. (Which by the way, they have not been over for a year.. just this past weekend I, YES ME, suggested he call and invite them over, my daughter loves to see them too). Biomom will repeatedly tell us (now more than before as the kids are getting older) that the kids are not there, they are spending the night at friends house, etc. I have told BF to tell her that it is her responsibility to remind the kids it is their father's weekend and that they can spend the night with friends on any other night. They don't have a problem coming over. When they were over this past weekend they were happy to see me and my daughter. He just doesn't get it. He won't tell her anything. I told him it is HIS RIGHT by law. I wonder if this would play a factor in child support review too??? Anyway, I have lashed out and suggested he go back to the biobitch on several occasions. I also told him that when the day came that his kids didn't know me anymore or didn't want anything to do with me, it would be his own fault. He SHOULD stand up to biomom. Her husband (the one she cheated with when still married to BF by the way) attends the parties, he isn't asked not to participate but I am due to her request. No, we have not been to counseling. Is it really worth it? I am really glad I found this site, if anything it allows one to vent and gain a little feedback from those who live it. That helps for sure.
Only you can decide if it is
Only you can decide if it is really worth it! My husband and I did pre-marital counseling and have also been back to see that counselor regarding an issue that came up since we’ve been married…the question is do you want your marriage b/c the way that you are feeling (i.e. not respected/appreciated/alienated) coupled with his behavior is ultimately going to lead to the end of your marriage if you guys cannot devise a plan to ATTACK and change the behaviors and the feelings that result from them….we have found that the third party perspective (that is not a mom or best friend of the couple) is always GREAT b/c the counselor can say “what you just said is CRAP” and b/c they are not emotionally attached to the situation you can see that as being more true then when the spouse says it…I’ve been shown the CRAP I say/believe/do and so has he and I think it does help IF and that is a big IF you get a good counselor…but you can see a few until you get one you both are comfortable with or get a recommendation on a good one. Also, this site is therapy too! TRUST ME it has saved my marriage!! When I came here I was at the end of my rope but now I can GO OFF to you guys and only GO OFF on my husband with the CRITICAL stuff instead of the “small stuff”.
Make a GREAT Day!
Don't Clean Up His Messes!
Do not clean up his messes, or research the past. Let the mom's take him to the cleaner's and tell him that you can't pick up his slack. After all he got them preggo, NOT YOU.. And he knew this when he bailed out on both BIO-MOM's.
Then he will turn on them, when they give it to him in court. Right now you look out for his best interest, you take care of him financially when he should be taking care of you and his new family.
My BF gives into his EX all of the time. Reason: He is deathly afraid that she will keep the kids from him. As for me, she has no problems since I always buy stuff for her kids but we do have an on going dispute on her poor judgement in being a mom and the way her son is turning out, as I posted.
But as soon as I got pregnant last year, she immediately filed for an increase in her child support. I am an accountant and I also have the child support guidlines for FL. and I pointed out to her that if she went that route she would only lose money, because she is working now and they consider that in the percentage. So, she backed off.
You can always let the courts stick it to your BF and clean up the mess when he begs you too. But don't waste any of your money doing. You didn't make these kids, he did.
When it comes to my relationship. I told BF that whatever debts he has with his ex's are his debts alone, as are the one's I have with my son and his father "that doesn't pay his child support" - We split the bills 50% though I do actually pay more for the luxury items.
But don't do the hard stuff anymore, let him sink to rock bottom and eventually he will come to you begging and telling you how much he appreciates you. If he doesn't, is he really worth keeping? Wouldn't you be happier without all of the drama?
I ask because I am finding myself in this very situation and I have a child with BF but it still doesn't justify the stress in my life, caused by the constant issues arrising.
Hopefully things get better for you.
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.
I so love this response!
Julie is right about one thing... that BS "you knew I had kids" argument can work both ways. Stop bailing him out and the next time he gets in trouble with CP or whatever, just tell him, "Well, you knew they'd get pregnant when you ____'d them and you knew you'd have to pay CP when you left them." Let him sink or swim on his own and if that doesn't enlighten him to all you do, then at some point you have to start questioning if this is really the way you want to live your life. I do think that when you marry someone, you are putting your eggs in their basket and that requires a lot of trust. If you can't trust him to be responsible, then maybe you should tuck a few eggs away into your own basket, just in case. I'm a very giving person by nature and I found that I was just giving and giving and giving, without getting anything back in return. I'd turn myself inside out selecting just the right gifts for my stepkids, only to have them totally ignore me and barely say thanks to their dad. So I just stopped. Now he either sends them a check or gets them a gift himself. Point is, if you are doing all the giving and not getting anything back in return, then there is something just not right about that equation. Only you can change that equation.
~ Anne ~
I guess to me that is where
I guess to me that is where the line is drawn between being married and living together…I never make this distinction b/c we lived together for 2 years before we married and I was just as much involved/committed to him and the girls as I am now BUT…now that we are married…things do change a little and it is more difficult to “let him clean up his own mess” b/c like I said before…that has a lot of affect on the household…if his check gets garnished and he doesn’t have the money to pay the bills…that will affect OUR credit scores, not just his when/if bills began to fall behind…before we were married I didn’t see it that way…so it is harder to take a passive role as a wife then it is as a girlfriend…
Make a GREAT Day!
This is also true...
It is harder to let it go when you're the wife, because it does affect the household, but I think you can take an active role in protecting yourself and your assets while forcing him to be active in saving his own ass. Joint accounts can be closed, for example. I sure as hell would not be working three jobs to pay his child support. If she let him be crucified by his exes, then maybe he'd see what side his bread is buttered on.
~ Anne ~
Honestly, that is why I
Honestly, that is why I refuse to get married. As did his ex-girlfriend. Though she said he never even asked her. In our case he bought me a ring on our 1-year anniversary. I told him No, because I just don't want to go that route with all of our combined baggage. Things are great dating, we are practically married in all senses except for the financial end. In my case I claimed bankruptcy 5 years ago and have since been on top of my credit 100%, nothing is ever late. I also have my house which is in my name and my parents have always warned if god forbid something happen to me the other two ex's could claim my property if left to BF "if we were married" so for all financial reasons, I refuse to marry. His ex felt the same way and he just can't understand it. However, he makes really good money but he always spends every dime on his two children. AS IF it burns a hole in his pocket. Meanwhile, I am the one who pays for all the dr. visits every two month check up with our new baby, I am the one who pays for all the extra's. He doesn't get it. I think if our baby could ask for things, he would do it - but instead his other two children get everything. As does my son on my end. But I just think that arrangement is in my best interest. And I do feel sorry for the people who are married and that this takes a toll on financially. It shouldn't destroy a wife's credit because her husband can't take care of financial matters on his own. Basically, he needs to show appreciation and maybe she should talk to him about it. Too bad there isn't always an easy solution
Julie (31)
Bio-Children - Son under 1 with BF, Son age 11 from previous relationship.
BF - Son under 1 our's together, Daughter age 20 from prior marriage, son age 14 & daughter age 10 from previous relationship.
The way I see it is that is
The way I see it is that is what marriage is…thick or thin hell or high water and that is why I wanted to be married…I know married couples who keep their money separate and I think that is just crazy…the wife might be “short” or have to ask her husband to “borrow money”…I might as well be single if I’m going to go through that…also, I like the financial protection that marriage allow regarding assets and insurance coverage as well as pension/retirement…not to mention that I feel that the "institution" of marriage is a beautiful thing that he chose to make ME his wife...of all the women he has dated...so I guess it depends on your perspective…
Make a GREAT Day!
I agree with all of your comments, Nise, but for one...
I agree with you Nise on all points but in a second marriage, I did keep my money separate and I am glad. I make a very substantial income, my own home and receive child support for my kids from my ex. My husband made half my income, no support from his ex and had a townhouse. With the stats on second marriages, I did not plan on having any surprises financially leaving me financially thin, in hell or high water. Everyone has to do what they are comfortable with, knowing the risks they are willing to take financially and protecting their own future and that of their kids along the way.
Depends on your own circumstances....
As with everything else, everyone's situation is different. I have thought of splitting bills 50-50 but with all of his obligations, legal bills, etc. he couldn't cover 50% anyway, would ultimately leave me in same boat or sink. Of course, I guess I could just cut off supplying funds to the biobitch fund everytime there is a problem and insist he figure out a way to finance it through a temp 2nd job or something. (Like that will happen). The shame of it is, we do know that these guys were previously married and have children, and WE married them anyway, thick or thin is right, but where does one draw the line. I guess that is where everyone has different threshold. I have done what I have done because I was committed and loved BF but it does get old. I think ultimately we have to ask ourselves, is it really what we want or not.
Your comments about "drawing
Your comments about "drawing the line" and "different threshold" reminded me of discussions on this board about dealing with adult stepchildren who refuse to support themselves. Parents and stepparents are struggling with where to draw the line on supporting these adult children, who think the world and their parents owe them a free ride. For me, it was all about whether or not they were doing anything to contribute. If husband is making an honest effort and working hard, then of course you do everything you can to help him out. That's why I put so much time, effort, energy and money into helping my husband get out of the bad financial situation he was in after his very hostile divorce. That's what marriage is, you help each other. But if the situation is one in which you are being taken advantage of financially and emotionally by a spouse who won't get off his dead ass to even try to find solutions for his own problems, then that's a different story. I think that is where you draw the line. I will likely stay married to my husband until one of us dies, no matter how awful things get sometimes, because I know that when you strip everything else away, there's a basic core of goodness, trust, support and love at the foundation. If you can say the same, then you have to investigate different things you can do to protect yourself while making him own up to his responsibilities at the same time. If you can't say that, then you have to ask yourself how much more do you really want to invest?
~ Anne ~
Reminder
Thanks Anne. That is something to really think about. I know what you mean, you try to help and support each other but it has to go both ways. I sometime wonder what it is I am doing wrong because he claims his previous marriages were so terrible, they were never supportive, they were selfish, etc. AND of course there is always two sides to every story, but I think, "If that is true,,, then WHY would you treat others that way.." But you gave me something to think about directly.