I guess it depends on how they parted ways. My husband can't stand his ex. She is kind of gross!! I think he wonders what he was thinking in the first place!!

However, I feel that if the guy has moved on and has a girlfriend/fiance/wife, he better darn tootin feel remorse!!!

Dawn

In our case, neither of us can stand our exes. So not a concern here.

If either of us had slept with an ex after we started dating, we'd not have married each other. It's not ok with us.

My husband can't stand his ex, he would never consider that. but my question to you is, do you have reason to think that he would actually do that, or are you jealous? I get extremely jealous sometimes, especailly when I am PMSing. You should ask yourself if you are being rational or not. If you are, then maybe you should try to talk to your fiance about it. Hope this helps

A woman I work with found out her husband was having an affair. They separated but have not divorced. This has been about 5 years now. During the first 4 years, she ended up becoming the "other woman".

I think this was for a couple of reasons on her part. She wanted to still have that connection with him, she is just not ready to let go. She also wanted some control over this other woman in her husbands life. This has definately prevented her from moving on. I believe that this past year she has not allowed him these "booty calls".

For the husband? I really think that it's a "I want my cake and eat it too" type of situation.

So, can it happen? Of course. Do you talk to him about your concerns? What does he say he's doing?

My fiance has 4 children. He was over there till 2 a.m. the other day. I was livid. Seething mad. He was playing the Xbox with his oldest son and a bunch of his friends. I know how hours fly by when they play here. It wasn't that I was mad at him being at "her" house, it was how it made me look. Like I could picture her standing there laughing that "she had him and I was home ALONE." I hated that feeling.

I don't understand why they think it's ok to spend hours at their ex's house anyway? I think it's really mean to do to us. Doesn't it send mixed signals to the ex? The children? I'm confused on all that.

if my hubby were at her house at all let alone until that time but I'm guessing your situation is probably different to ours. We have joint custody so dad time is spent with us and mom time with her and little in between except for school or sporting functions. There's a very definite line drawn, my hubby's ex wanted to be friends with him but not me i.e. she wanted my hubby at her beck and call under the guise of calling him her "best friend" but she said all kinds of nasty things to me or about me. I told my husband that he needed to choose his friends carefully because if he wanted to be friends with someone who disrespected me then I couldn't be with him, equally if my ex husband bad mouthed him I'd stand up for my husdband. The relationship is over and boundaries need to be set in a divorced situation. When a new relationship forms for either party the other must understand things cannot be a certain way, it's highly inappropriate, have your man play video games at your house.

Being the hotheaded one that I am I'd have told him his bags would be there waiting for him and they would have been, I can't really offer advice on that for you because I feel if he can't see that spending time at his ex's house especially until that time, even if it is with his son, is blatantly disrespecting you then I think he must lead his life with blinkers on. There's only so many chances you can give a guy - it's not about you calling him a liar, it's about him respecting your wishes and desires as the woman in his life, I mean if you took off with an ex how would your fiance feel? I guess for me I just feel that I've taken on a huge responsibility with my hubby's kids particularly when I have none of my own and that my willingness to do that comes with certain requests and boundaries, if you don't set the boundaries now you'll have many regrets and frustrations down the line, tell your guy how you feel without arguing, give him the chance to make it right and if he doesn't consider whether you really need to be with him. Harsh I know but being a stepparent does not mean being walked over by your man.

Why are you even questioning what to do???? He showed absolutely no respect for your feelings. You made it very clear to him that you were not comfortable with the situation. If he had a problem with it, he could have left, drove to your house and set some ground rules. His response was "what"? "I'll pack my stuff and leave", as far as I'm concerned he gave you notice......kick him to the curb!

Consider your future with this guy......Do you want a guy who respects you, or thinks he can walk over you? I am 42 yrs old, so I may sound harsher than the others, but I have seen a lot of games that people play and trust me when I say, his response sound like he is playing you......sorry!

My husband hates his ex, so I haven't been in your situation, but I would be seeing some huge red flags here.
If he's saying he didn't want the divorce, what will happen if the ex decides one day that she made a huge mistake and wants him back? Even if that doesn't happen, what if the two of you get serious? Are you saying that if you moved in together, you would have to leave your home every other week so that his ex could stay there with the kids? Would you feel comfortable doing that, knowing she had free rein to go through all of your stuff?
I think this situation may work ok when people first separate so that they can "ease" the kids into the transition, but to continue after the divorce seems odd. Especially if they both want to date.
If you're going to stick with this one, I would do whatever you can to make sure that you've really thought out what you would do if any of these scenarios come up.

I would be asking why is is there for hours and i would definately not accept that even if he wasnt doing anything.You are his life now and there is no reason he should go there for that long.I would be thinking long and hard about this one and tell him that if he is not over her mind body and sole then it is not a fair situation for you and big problems will become of this.

Not really just seems like it I dated a man who did the very same thing.. Oh my gosh was it hard to take especially when she stripped down naked on the deck in front of him and the rest of us.. Very hard to try to deal with that at all. I have been there and done that.. We ended up breaking it off because of his ex, she did not know how to handle not being #1 in his life I guess. It was very ugly with me after that.. Then after he dumped me and I started dating my now husband he wanted me back and was going to quit going there all the time and pretty much end the relationship.. Very strange she was even married to another man and had his child..
Honey I never knew if they slept together or not but I can tell you that if you are having these thoughts be vry blunt and ask him about it all because it will never ever be far from your mind.. Hopefully it will all work out for you.. Let me know how it goes.. You have to be very open with him on your feelings.. And he needs to understand what he is doing is not right..
People get divorces for a reason and usually its because you and that person loose your way and end up disliking each other, you do not turn around and decide well were divorced lets be friends.. Not Mr. Rogers... or the way its suppose to work.. Civil yes.. Staying over there for hours. ODD>.

I think my fears stem from my childhood experience with this issue. My mom and dad were highschool sweethearts and ended up having me by accident. I was a condom baby *blush*. They were young and in love but the difficulties of being a teen parent scared my dad away. My mom raised me alone until I was 8. I had never met or heard a word from my dad. He had gotten married in that time, had a new daughter and was living in California. He basically started over. My mom never went after child support or anything. But she did always tell me that my father was the love of her life. All those years past. One day she told me that my dad was in town visiting his mom and wanted to see me. Of course I was excited and scared all at the same time. He wanted to take me to Chuck E. Cheese but I refused to go without my mom, this man was a stranger. I guess at that time he realised that he still loved my mom and wanted to be with her. He left his wife that day. He moved in that night and my parents have been together again ever since(16 years now). The sad part is that just like with me, he never contacted his other daughter again. I wonder to myself what kind of man can just abandon his children on a wim. I've never had a good relationship with this man. And he has been awful to my mom. I really wish that he would have never 'come back' at all. But that is besides the point. It scares the hell out of me that I could have this same situation happen to me. That connection of having a child together doesn't ever disappear. My husband is nothing like my father but still. It always just kind of sits in the back of my mind.....

...is so that you don't HAVE to be around the other person. I mean, if you WANT to be around the other person, then why split up on the first place?! Visitation with one parent doesn't have to occur in the presence of the other parent. And is it really in the best interest of the kid to "hang out" at the other parent's house? Doesn't that send the kid a mixed message, that maybe there's hope for a reconciliation? If they need to meet to discuss the child, then a neutral location would be fine. My husband does not cross the threshold at his ex-wife's house for any reason and she doesn't cross ours. There's simply no reason for it.

~ Anne ~

that might make a difference.

I'll be honest - I did!

This was before I moved from the same town, but SURE I did - It was EASY. A sure bet - he still wanted me and I was lonesome!

And I'm pretty sure my DH did 8 years ago, too.

BUT... Time alone together is not appropriate if you're committed to another person - it really doesn't matter if kids are involved.

Blueberry's Baby

I have several of my friends who slept with their ex-husbands - although I didn't. (Maybe because I was too glad to finally be rid of him!) One of my best friends does the "big nasty" with her ex-husband because she is convinced that he was cheating on her with his current wife. To my friend, she's "getting even."

But it is easy for guys (boys AND men) to lose track of time when they are playing video games. To them, time seems to stand still.

My ex-husband has been known to come in the house and "visit" for half an hour or so when dropping off my son (although I always extend an invitation to his girlfriend to come in the house also - and offer them both something to drink, etc.) but she hardly ever accepts - she prefers to wait in the truck outside.

I really can't believe the way some DH's act (including mine).

If all was amicable, there was trust in the situation and there weren't head games going on all the time then it would probably be fine. BUT why should we put up with our DH's doing nice things for their exes and epending time at their houses(when they and we are being treated like crap) at the expense of OUR lives, sanity and feelings?

It is a toughie and things tend to change throughout your relationship BUT it DOES come down to respect and boundaries.

My DH has IMHO done far too much for his ex and 'enabled' her to play the victim and take advantage. Just because she acts out if she doesn't get her own way does not mean that she SHOULD get her own way.

Re: your postings above, there was a recent situation when DH was in the area of the former marital home (as we say in the UK) miles away, and popped in to see his kids for an hour or so. However, when he had not arrived home when he said he would and I couldn't get hold of him on his phone I started to get angry. Especially as WE were supposed to be going out that night. End result? I'm PISSED OFF and sent him shitty texts about disrespecting me HE 'doesn't see the harm' in spending time with his youngest daughter so what is MY problem? He had no signal on his phone, it wasn't switched off allegedly. We didn't go out that night needless to say. . . . Unfair. That is just ONE ocassion. It's not that I suspect him of sleeping with (or even having anything to do with) the bitch, it is the blatant disrespect where time just melts when they are with their precious kids. They forget about us!

What about the times he's been over to fix things for her useless lazy ass? the 55%+ of his income it takes to maintain her so we are kept poor etc. etc. I feel he allows her to be difficult and should have set clear boundries at the beginning. Believe me, there have been rows about this over the years!!!

Believe me, I'm usually not a doormat. I think we all experience this stuff to some degree. At the end of the day they are truly a part of their kids whereas we are just there by association. Hard fact but true.

Maybe it is totally innocent, and maybe it is not. Why is he there for hours? Visiting the kid? or fixing her leaking taps? Maybe you should go too or get them to meet up somewhere neutral.

I would never sleep with my ex in a million years and I know my soon to be hubby wouldn't go there with his ex either. She hated sex anyway.

Just keep smiling......................

OK. FROM A GUYS POINT OF VIEW I CAN SEE ME ENDING UP LOSING TRACK OF TIME PLAYING VIDEO GAMES WITH MY SON. AT MY EX'S HOUSE? NOT LIKELY BUT ILL GIVE THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT AND SAY MAYBE. THE FACT THAT YOU CALLED AND TOLD HIM HOW U FEEL ABOUT IT AND HE STILL DIDNT LEAVE IS WHERE I FEEL HE CROSSED THE LINE. IF IT WERE REVERSE ROLES I WOULD BE HEATED AND IT WOULD DEFINITELY SPARK A HEATED CONVERSATION AS TO WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE AND NOT DONE. IF I REALLY WANT TO PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH MY SON WE CAN DO IT AT MY HOUSE NOT MY EX'S AND IF THE SON HAS 15 FRIENDS OVER IM SURE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN OK FOR HIM TO CATCH UP ON THE VIDEO GAMES SOME OTHER TIME. I DONT KNOW FOR SURE BUT ITS DEFINITELY A RED FLAG THAT NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED AND NOT PUSHED ASIDE. I FEEL THAT ONE SHOULDNT SPEND MORE TIME AT THE EXES HOUSE THAN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY ANYWAY. MY WIFE HAS EVERYTHING SHE NEEDS RIGHT HERE AT HOME AND IF THE KIDS DIDNT LIVE WITH US THEN SHE COULD GO PICK THEM UP OR HAVE THEM OVER TO SPEND TIME WITH THEM. THATS JUST ME THOUGH. I WOULDNT LET IT SLIDE IF IT WAS ME. IT STOPS OR WE ARE DONE. POINT BLANK. GOOD LUCK.

I've been friends with a man for 5 years, and dating the last 2. I always thought him and his ex were "friends" and thought how wonderful for the boys. Then, early on in our dating relationship, I realize how warped they both are. Though we are not formally engaged, the plans are, after my children (16 and 17) are on their own, we will be married. However, let me tell you of some facts.
He has, with me sitting right there, professed how he will always be there for his ex. She is his best friend. He can't live with her, but he can't live without her.
He continues to buy her gifts for all occasions. example: for Christmas '06 he bought her a $60 champange bucket from bath and body works, along with some other things. (candle ext.) (by the way, I got a toaster oven, a candle, a coffee cup and a blanket)He claims it was from his boys to their mother, however, the boys weren't with him when he bought it.
She has used my hairdryer, in the masterbathroom, to dry her p***ed in pants, (she has inconstanence) He knew that I would not approve of my hairdryer being used in this manner. Not to mention the invasion of "our" personal space.
She goes in his house when the boys aren't there and he's not there, and helps herself to who knows what.
Has gotten into my personal things, makeup hairties, drawers, ect.
The latest, I have planted flowers at his house for cutting. She has told their 7 year old to bring her "6 or 7 with long stems, and she likes the red and yellow ones"
When I told him that his ex told his son to get them, that it wasn't his son's idea, his response was, what do you want me to do about it. I told him, again, to set some boundaries. He says it doesn't matter, because he can't control what she does. So he chooses to do nothing. I don't feel he wants her back, but I feel as though he can't let her go. And I have given it 2+years, and I will no longer be disrespected. The worse part is, I love him and the boys so deeply. But there's not enough room for the both of us.

I'm not usually this frank, but in this case, there's no other way to put this--PLEASE follow your instincts and end this relationship. The fact that he made the comment about not being able to live with ex or without her? UGH. Take that melodramatic BS somewhere else, dude. Does he really expect you to hang out and know that he'll always be attached to ex?? It's not just a matter of her being the mother of his kids--he's still buying her gifts! That's NUTS!! Plus, BF's kids are young, so if you get married, you've got a LONG road ahead of you.

I can't even form a thought about the hairdryer incident. That is just funny and sad and pathetic...and she's been into your personal belongings? And he allowed/didn't freak at her over this? I especially hate that he calls her his best friend. That role should be reserved for YOU and no one else.

Girl--please, run and don't look back. This guy is NOT over his ex in any way, shape, or form, and you do not want to get involved any deeper than you already are. I married a man who was still in love with his ex, though he'd never admit it, and despite all the nasty crap she did and does, I believe he'd still go back. This was always ion the back of my mind and it drove me crazy for the 2.5 years that we were together. Don't punish yourself this way. Leave while you can and find someone that knows how to set boundaries and respect his partner.

Best of luck,
Krissy

I would have sex with a cactus before I would have sex with my ex! LOL

I haven't read everyone's post, but I'm going to address the question...How Common?
Well, I don't think its very common, because most break-ups end badly. But, on the other hand..I think that most men would let anyone suck.....LOLLOL - you men here- sorry if that's offensive. But my DH said if he could do it his self, that he would never have left home.

Stepwitch
Thank you Disney for portraying a positive image on all stepmothers!!!!