Ex-wife's Dog...suddenly our problem
I have been living with my boyfriend for less than a year now (We plan on getting engaged in the near future). He has an adolescent son. And a psycho ex-wife (referred to as PEW)of almost 10 years. A year into the divorce SHE bought their son a dog-my bf told her that it was not a good idea to buy their son a dog. Nine years later, my BF's PEW drops off the dog at any given time and for any given period(this shared dog issue has been ongoing for some time now). BF's son loves the dog. Now that I live with him, I am the one who walks the dog, feeds him and basically cares for him. My problem is that PEW will just assume that we will watch her dog for her, and she never asks, she just assumes. My bf has told her no in the past, and she still drops the dog off when we are not home. I vented to my BF and told him that I do not appreciate PEW influencing our lives and disrespecting us by incessantly insisting my bf is responsible for her dog. Now she puts her son in the middle and says that if his dad doesn't watch the dog, then she will send the dog away. It has only worsened since my BF told the PEW that we will not care for her dog and cannot be responsible for the dog. To make matters worse, I might be allergic to the dog. I told my bf again this morning how we really need to do something about the dog--let PEW know that No means no, and he said that it hurts him to see PEW put their son in the middle of this dog issue by making their son feel like it is his fault that everyone is fighting over his dog. Please help. I do not want to spend my time nagging at my bf about a dog and possibly fostering resentment towards him for letting the dog issue stay the same. His PEW is VERY VERY difficult and does not compromise. I feel as if we are her personal doggy sitter, a dog kennel she can leave her dog for her convenience. I feel so helpless because I moved into his home and now i feel like I cannot set rules in my own home. Thank you for listening.
I don't get it
How can the ex think she has any right to drop off her dog at your house? Don't get me wrong. I love pets! However, I wouldn't let biomom drop off her guinea pig just because stepson is here. That is just not right.
Can you drop it back off at her house or does she live too far away to take it back? Maybe if you dropped it back off at her house everytime she would get the point.
Dawn
Wow, what a selfish woman
Wow, what a selfish woman doing that to you and your bf and also to the dog! Tell her that the next time she does that she leaves you no choice but to take it to the local animal shelter so she can pay to get it out again. Poor dog. Maybe in the mean time it can find a family that will give it a stable life! She's using the dog to get to you and your bf and that's just wrong on so many levels! Some women just never get over their ex's! She needs to grow up and move on.
My X tried to pawn Frogs on me...
He got the kids fish for grading one year...I didn't want fish in my house. I ended up taking the fish. Well who fed the fish, bought the filters, cleaned the tank.....etc It wasn't him!!! Or the Kids!!! It took 4 years for that damn fish to die!!
The year after the fish...he wanted to buy "toxic tree frogs" for grading another year..I said "creatures you buy live with you...no more buying pets for MY HOUSEHOLD!!" So he gets them...has to keep mealworms in the freezer..yukkkk..for about 6 months..then tells the kids he goes out of town to often and can't look after them any more... EVERY WEEKEND I got a call from the kids..crying the blues.. Please, Please, Mom can our frogs come live with us...Dad can't look after them...blah blah I just told the kids..that him going out of town so much was something he should've thought about before he got a pet. It was not my problem!! He took them back to the pet store!!! The kids were a little ticked at me for a bit...but too bad! Not my household..not my problem!! They understood...
Now they tell my he's getting dog!!! He goes away so much during the week on business.. and goes away at least 2 weekends a month for recreation. I am not taking his dog!!!!!!!!! At one point we had 3 dogs, 1 rat, and 5 fish living here, plus my kids & half the neighbourhood..it was a three ring circus! We are down to 1 pet .. a dog...that's it. I hope he has enough sense not to even go there..this time!!
P.S. to Frog & Dog story
I ended up with custody of "our dog" and X sometimes asked to take him on vacation along with the kids. No problem by me. He was an awesome dog!! One time he had the kids & BF & I wanted to go away for a weekend (it rarely happens) & I asked if he would take "our" dog as well as a newer dog (..his buddy)we had gotten from the pound. The answer was an absolute NO!!! No reason...Just because it was me asking... I never asked again!
We pet sit for people all the time...dogs, rats, rabbits etc..
But I will never, ever, ever, look after HIS DOG...on priciple...
It's always about him!! He has no problem sticking me with fish HE bought & tried over & over to stick me with the frogs HE bought..(dispite my warnings to think it over.that they will not live here) ...and he had no problem taking the dog when HE chooses...
Our interactions have always been so one sided...it's all about whatever he wants to do..what's convenient for him...the hell with anyone else!! I am so glad I'm with someone whose not so self-absorbed.....
he first thing I have to
The first thing I have to mention is your allergies. The dog is affecting your health. If your BF keeps allowing her to do this,(by not bringing the dog back to her house when she drops it off) you should consider moving out, especially if the dog cannot be kept outside.I have a feeling your BF ignores your needs in other areas as well.NOBODY should have a dog forced on them, especially if they are allergic. The dog is NOT your problem, and your BF's son has to understand that you are allergic.
I would tell her that the
I would tell her that the next time she 'just' drops her dog off, I'm keeping it. But, I'm not allergic and this would not be good for your health. Of course, just the thought that you might keep her dog might do the trick.
Well there are two issues..
You have two things going on here.
1st is she is trying to control your home.. Which is wrong and she needs to be told maybe by you this time not him. Apparently what he says means nothing to her. It could get very ugly with words for both of you but for your sanity you need to be put your foot down. She is inconsiderate..
2nd she is using her son to get her ex to care for her responsibility. Sit his son down and explain your health issue for one and secondly that the dog is not your resposibility and that you are sorry but you cannot care for his pet anymore..
3- you could actually depending on weather and dog stick it out side and make sure that the son is feeding and walking and taking care of it 100%.. Make him responsible.. But this thing he calls his mom needs to grow up. How immature for one and number two real parents do not put there kids in the middle of there arguments.. She is a WITCH.. if you ask me.. Best of luck to you on your hellish journey.
Hit the nail on the head!
Thanks everyone for the support!
Happy, you hit the nail on the head. She is very immature and inconsiderate by constantly putting her son in the middle of adult/divorce issues...(when she dropped off the dog a few months back I told my BF that I was going to go outside and confront her on it before she just left him here w/out asking...BF and SS were so nervous about her being confronted that they asked me not to do it! I was so furious…I thought this is why she does what she does b/c she gets away with it. I WILL confront her next time she violates my home!)
As for the allergy, things have improved. I haven't had itchy/red eyes for quite some time now so I may not be allergic after all...
The dog is ours now...I told BF that we are not giving him back b/c she will constantly be causing problems. Besides we have considered the dog to have been abandoned by her the day she just dropped him off months ago. He has stayed here with us ever since. Even when we are desperate for a dig sitter, I told BF, we have not and will not ask her.
I let her upset the other day. She somehow saw the dog when we weren't home when SS had to pick something up...SS told BF and me that she said the dog looked like hell and like a mess...I wanted to say first of all...she better not have been in our house and 2nd, what's it to her what the dog looks like? She is the one who pushed him onto us. He is happier and better taken care of here with us…The nerve of her! She doesn't even see what we have done---we have taken in her responsibility--her dog! It just amazes me how dumb she is...
I inherited a bird that way
My DH bought youngest ss a paraket several years ago while he & ex were married. SS is 6 & barely pays attention to it. Ex was sticking the poor bird on sunporch in 100 degree weather & naggingh dh about bird and ss was asking ( I think mom encouraged it) for Polly to come live with us....so it ended up at our house. The bird started out in ss room but he never paid attention to it so I moved him into my office and now refer to him as my bird. ( never wanted one but the bird seems very happy & my dog loves to watch it)
Bottom line is she no longer wanted it in her house so now it's mine. The boys wanted to get a retile & I told dh no way!! The bird & my dog are more than enough & reptiles creep me out.
EX's I am one and don't understand...
You did a good thing.. Not only did you and your BF not put son in the middle and showed him totally that you are way more mature then his mom.
She is mad because you kept that dog and she really did not win the battle you both showed that you are bigger people then she is..
She is an immature have no life witch.. Sorry I am in a mood today.. Its a good one but I am like against the ex's.
re: EX's I am one and don't understand
Happy:You go girl! Let it out! We all get those moods... I just got back from my therapist this morning and he helped me with my mood. My therapist plus Steptalk.org have helped me these last few days
Thanks Maya..
It is one of those days.. Where I could just sit and type all day long and try to hopefully give some good feedback.. I love to help people.. SO thank you.. Steptalk does help in so many ways..
You can vent but yet get different perspectives from others.. I love it.. And the other plus is sometimes the truth hurts so at least when someone says something that is not what we want to hear we can take it way easier because we are not personally knowing each other.. You know what I mean...
New Problem re: dog
Hi everyone and thanks for replying to the post.
Well almost 10 months since the Psycho Ex Wife "abandoned" the dog, my BF, SS and I decided that the DOG is a permanent fixture in our home. Biomom once told my bf that the reason the dog had to be at our house was b/c the dog was SS's dog and it went where he went. Well having said that...for months we continued life acting as if the dog was ours. We did not ask biomom for any help w/it at all. BF said the dog is staying here permanently. So biomom must have heard SS talk about how the dog is so happy, we all love him, I take him places etc. because now she says that my BF and her need to talk about the dog! SS told her that the dog is happier w/us and since it is (supposedly) his dog since BIOmom gave it to him as a gift that he should decided where his dog lives. And SS said I want the dog to stay at my dad's...OKay get ready for this. Biomom is so messed up in the head that she said to her son, "Did YOU pay the $600 for the dog? No. Well the dog isn't yours!" Unbelievable! SS loves his dog so much and tells us he likes the dog at Dad's/our house. Now that she knows things are harmonious at our home and we aren't conflicting about the dog situation, she feels the need to disrupt the order.
My BF asked if maybe he should just give biomom the money she paid many years ago to buy her son a gift/dog of which now she has reclaimed. I said 'no' B/c there will always be something or another for Biomom to fight over. Giving her money for the dog would not solve the issue. SHe would then say, well my brother trained him. Give me money for that too....BESIDES SHE BOUGHT THE DOG AS A GIFT TO HER SON! How mean of her....
Had to vent,
Maya
Send her a bill for half of
Send her a bill for half of all dog expenses or whatever a local kennel would have charged to keep the dog for all this time and say that as soon as she reimburses you for the expense, she can have the dog back. Twenty bucks says THAT will shut her up.
~ Anne ~
Anne: bill her
Oh my goodness! That is the greatest idea! She is so "into/about" money that that might actually work. I will be running that idea by my BF !
New Year Update: No dog
After SS told biomom that he no longer wanted the 50/50 custody arrangement and wanted to be w/his dad, Biomom suddenly took interest in a dog she ABANDONED 10 months ago. Just A few days after Christmas, Biomom came to our home first saying she wanted to talk to SS (he refused due to an earlier fight SS had w/biomom) then she just lost it and said fine she would leave but the dog was coming w/her. My BF said she could not take away SS's dog, besides he told her, she left the dog for 10 months! ....SO, Biomom called the police even after SS came out and begged her not to! Biomom showed the police officer kennel papers which unfortunately ONLY had her name and the police officer regretfully told us we had to surrender the dog. Even after seeing her son devastated, in tears, and emotionally distressed, she happily and proudly took away the dog, turned around, yelled and blamed the fiasco on my BF! I told my BF that the dog is NOT to return unless biomom signs the rights over to him or SS--other than that, the dog is not to return under ANY circumstances..NO IFS OR BUTS about it this time! (and poor dig, SS told us that he is now pooping in the house--something he never did and is probably doing b/c he is not getting enough exercise and is not doing well w/the sudden home change.
Oh my goodness....
I am soooo sorry, but this post was utterly funny to me! LOL... I mean, a dog?!?!? Don't get me wrong Maya, I mean NO DISRESPECT. I just thought, all this over a dog? WOW, this woman (BM) really IS off her rocker.
Boy, there is no way I would have put up with that.
I'm glad that it ended the way that it did...not for the dog though. The dog does sound like it's under stress and not getting outside. Maybe you can suggest to SS that they install a doggie door? Said thing is that the dog probably would run back to your house.
I needed a good laugh. Thanks!