Honestly, since the boy's father was right there.. couldnt he have intervened instead of you?

I am not saying that your thought process was 100% unreasonable (though I do see a difference between someone getting a bite of food vs putting their lips on my cup) but, maybe if dad is there then he needs to be doing the disciplining unless it directly is impacting you?

It doesn't excuse the kid's reaction but he did apologize. And, kids get past things like this fairly quickly. It was a minor situation that was apologized... everyone can move forward. Maybe it's more typical of guys who can have a disagreement then go get a beer later? Maybe it's more a female trait to roll this over in our minds too much.

I think you could take your DH's advice as a sign that he doesn't need you to step in like that. I would back off in those regards.

So basically your DH wants you to look away when skids are being jerks, rude etc but wants you to support, love and nurture them? He's talking out of both sides of his mouth. I love, nurture and support our BS8 and believe you me, that means I don't put up with his shit. I wouldn't be doing him any favors by allowing him to be rude and disrespectful. That is NOT the child I want to be responsible for raising.

"let them be silly or jerks unless its disrespectful or unsafe"

Your SO contradicted himself with this part of his argument. Your skid was being disrespectful to you and you did go cool off. Ugh, gotta handle these little COD skids with mittens! :sick:

Did the skids go back to BMs and then your SO decided to revisit this? I only ask b/c sometimes I think something is handled and over with SD and then SO will start going off about it b/c he just got an earful from BM about how SM needs to treat her precious snowflake the same as she would her own (which is BS, she wants me to treat her snowflake better than I treat my own).

If I were you I would disengage. Let him deal with their disrespect.

Here's the problem and something that really ticks me off...

No one wants a bullsh!t apology from anyone who doesn't mean it!

DAD should have apologized to YOU in front of his child for the child's jerky behavior. That is responsible parenting. It makes me sick when a child does something wrong to an adult and the parent forces the child to apologize. NO, NO, NO. Please parents, I beg you not to do this. It's inconsiderate and doesn't help the person who was harmed to get past the incident, and in fact, it puts the onus on the harmed person to accept a half-assed apology from someone who doesn't mean it.

One time my kid pushed a grocery cart into a woman's back at the grocery store... She wasn't hurt, but she jerked a bit. Should I have stood there and told my son, "Say you're sorry"?

No.

I immediately apologized FOR my child to the adult. I modeled proper behavior to the kid, while showing the consideration and understanding the harmed adult deserved.

Now back to your story... if DH had a problem with the way you handled things, he could have said something to you later, but only after accepting responsibility for apologizing about his kid's behavior.

You kindly corrected the child and reminded him how his brother was nice to him the other day... then you enforced dad's rule about no phones at the table. Then, instead of getting upset in front of the boys, you went and cooled down - responsibly. You are not in the wrong about this.

You did very well, and there was no purpose to your SO's text.

You reprimanded the child pretty gently, you didn't put your SO in the middle, you didn't harbor resentment...You went outside to cool down and then went on with the day. Perfect.

The one thing I notice is your being bothered that he showed no remorse or just looked down when he was forced to apologize. I think that's pretty normal 12 year old behavior- being angry instead of sorry when bad behavior is called out.

I would ignore his message completely. You don't need to defend yourself when you know that you did well.

you are giving me deja vu!!!! I remember stb 7 YSS being deliberately disobedient when he was not to have Chef's diet coke.
Chef: "Honeeeeey put that doooowwnnn."
Chef proceeded to plead, beg and bargain.
Personally I NEVER bargain with children.. EVER!!
The adults are supposed to be in charge and for good reason!
Now at this point and after seversl minutes of Chef cajoling YSS was defiantly standing over Chef and I (we were sitting on the sofa together which I'm sure irked YSS even more)

YSS: "I'm gonna DRINK this diet coke!!" (he stood over us shaking the can, filthy, pudgy finger on the tab getting ready to spray us)
Me: "Let me get you some root beer instead."
I jump up, take the diet coke away from YSS and head to the kitchen for the root beer.

YSS turns on the water works and runs to "his" room then proceeds to smirk at me from a crack in the door while Chef lunges at me, grabs my arm and yells at me to apologize to YSS.

Chef was totally pissed and moved out for a week ( he should have STAYED out, looking back on it)

I refuse to apologize to a child especially if said child is insolent and spoiled.

Reply text: "If you think that your toxic crotch nuggets will be tolerated to in any way EVER be disrespectful, misbehaved or jerks in my presence you have another think coming. They are 10yo and 12yo respectively and know good and well what is acceptable and appropriate behavior and what isnt. If you take exception to this unequivocal fact then pack, get your boys, and leave. I am your wife, your equity life partner, and an equity parent to any children in MY home regardless of kid biology and you would do yourself and everyone else in the home a favor by never forgetting that. Now, whatch gonna do? Huh? Are you going to talk about it or step up and be my equity life partner and an equity parent to YOUR kids or are you packing this evening?"

Grrr! :O This pissed me off to no end. Your DH needs to grow some testicular parenting fortitude with his children and grow TF up.

No more vacations with SK. Let there BM deal with them. I would not waste my time with kids like that
If there no phones at the table, then there on phones at all times and places.
If kids are disrespectful, there is no way you can work anything out with the kids

I'm on your side, OP, but a few things to consider if, in the future, you stay with this guy.

First, let siblings fight their own squabbles. If OSS won't be as nice to YSS as YSS is to OSS, then YSS needs to learn for himself if he will continue to be that nice to his brother. Unless they are physically assaulting each other, they need to navigate their own relationship. In the future, if YSS looks to you for support, tell him this is a life lesson about how people treat us and how we treat them, and how it's not always fair.

Second, if Dad is letting it go and it isn't affecting you, let it go, too. Give Dad a chance to correct the situation. If he doesn't and no one is getting hurt, physically or emotionally, then let it go. You, at most, can support his parenting decisions. You don't need to make them for him. If he wants to raise entitled brats, then that's on him and he universe. Better to see the kind of man and dad he is versus stepping in so you can live with rose-colored glasses and not face what might be a harsh truth.

Third, you don't have to have this discussion with SO. You're an adult, you have heard his concerns, and you can take them into consideration. My suggestion on what to say to him is, "SO, we do not agree on this issue regarding your children, so in the future, I will refrain from initiating discipline." Basically, you disengage from the issue, or entirely. You have a right to stand up for yourself, and he has a responsibility to stand up for his kids. If you both cannot agree on a middle ground, then concede to his parenting up and until it directly impacts you.

Which leads me to number four: You have the right to protect yourself, and so long as you are lawful in your approach and your approach doesn't harm another being, you are well within your rights to behave accordingly. You may choose to behave a certain way to appease others, but ultimately, you get to choose how you respond to disrespectful behavior. If someone doesn't like your defense, they have the right to no longer associate with you. This is one of your greatest powers as a human being, and no one is worth being disrespected over. You need to handle disrespect as you see fit. If you SO disagrees in your approach, kindly but firmly inform him that he may leave.

You know, they are right- I find it so amusing he wants to 'parent' your reaction but refuses to parent/discuss/talk over his children's behavior w/them.
He's scolding you like a child but can't parent them?

I would say exactly that to him. YOU are not a child-YOU will react/say as you well damn please because you're an adult-tell him if he feels the 'need' to 'lecture' that he should do so to his CHILDREN and not his WIFE>

SHUT HIM DOWN! Quickly, abruptly and w/determination, let him know under no circumstances will he 'parent' you. But he can certainly turn that effort in teaching his kids how to behave.

oh well.... you committed the sin, you tried to teach a child that's not your child.... accept it and move on, tell DH sorry it will never happen again and end this. (I'm not saying you are wrong Hon, but read further)

Now you simply disengage from the kids, You are not their mother, you are not allowed to teach them anything, why would you then be good enough to do their laundry, drive them around etc? Leave it all to DH, if he complains like a little girl you are not helping anymore, smile and say..

Remember that breakfast where I was trying to teach your son, how to share and at the end of the day, you scolded me? Well guess what, not going to do that mistake ever again, not going to interfere in your parenting style (or lack there of) Now this is not open for discussion, I've made my decision....

Either you support me when I'm teaching your kids something, or you support your children and I remain disengage...

Don't pussy foot about this, deal with it now and have a happy life