They are already married but they are having a wedding in 2 years?

Yes, it must be about money.

Seriously, the married couple can pay for their own wedding.

Though only myself, SO and SO parents know this!

BM does not know that her daughter is married? What's up with that? How long have they been married and why is it such a secret? I have so many questions!

People delay for various reasons... DH and I want a ceremony in the future, but weren't able to initially... We don't know when we're going to be able to, so we just went ahead with our courthouse wedding.

So I'm married but I still see a "wedding day" as in the future... And my parents have already offered to help fund said future endeavor (I think they're mostly just mad they weren't invited to a courthouse wedding... LOL) But to me that is going to be my wedding day... I literally got married in a courthouse and then proceeded to softball and dealing with BM, not the best thing going on.

So it may end up being a kind of "vow renewal." But I know I want to celebrate my marriage with friends and family in the future. So it's possible OSD is feeling the same way. Especially if very few people know about her marriage...

Hopefully SO has the sense to chat to you about the financial obligations (if you guys have any combined finances or anything) but I don't think it would be awful for OSD to get her wedding day either (even if she is technically married already)

She is 22 and planning a wedding. So yeah sometimes it starts really early and if it something she has always wanted it starts really early. She just might be trying to see if her parents are going to help pay and how much so she has an idea of what type of venues she can look at and what her budget will be. Also knowing how much you can spend will effect the amount of guest you have.

SO and I started about a year out. We went in with out expecting anything from our parents but he is 29 and I am 32 so we are older and way more stable than a 22 year old. We picked a place on what we could afford without help. Both parents have offered.

Suggest to him to just pay for like the food. Just tell him to offer a set amount and that is that. That is what my parents have decided to do for me. I am grateful for it.

Just offering a reason why she is doing it so early. Some places that are affordable and still nice book a year or more out. I hate the whole process but SO wants a wedding.

Your DH is making a giant mistake here I think.

SD is going to put them both on the spot so that they will pony up more money. She knows that if she asked DH or BM on their own, they may say no. But she probably knows that doing it together will make DH and BM feel they need to be more generous since they are in front of each other.

I would have never agreed to this. I would have told my DD that she is more than welcome to come on over and we can talk about it but there is NO reason to have a past family sit down. Nope. I would also be pissed if my DH agreed to this little sit down.

I have no problem with people having lavish parties to celebrate their marriage after the actual date. But I think it is pathetic to have a fake wedding and to pretend like two people are being joined in marriage when they have been married for years. You can still have the dress, cake, flowers, band, vows, but don't try to act like you are getting married.

We gave an elaborate anniversary party for our parents. Had the church, flowers, a luncheon reception, a dinner dance, formal invitations and a Sunday brunch. It was an entire weekend just like a wedding except that my mother did not wear a wedding dress.

DH and I got married at the courthouse. No flowers, no guests. We wore shorts and tshirts. No fuss, no muss. I'd been critically ill (just out of a week in ICU on life support) and just wanted to be married. No way I could have had any kind of a wedding.

DH wanted to plan a big party to celebrate later and even roped in some of my friends to help plan something. It would have been nice - but it was going to cost thousands of dollars and I nixed it. I'd rather spent the money (much less in the end) just taking near and dear ones out to individual nice dinners.

Wow, OSD is putting your DH into a very awkward position - discussing a wedding when DH, but not BM, knows they're already married. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Sounds like your DH will end up footing the bill.

There’s no way, no how I would fund this future wedding, given the fact they are already married, and that it’s just a show pony for attention and monetary gain on their part.

No. Way.

A "wedding" years after the marriage is just a big costume party. Having lived in New Orleans for some time - we love any excuse to have a costume party. But don't pretend that this is about two people deciding to make a commitment and plan their lives together. But it can be about two people celebrating their commitment to have a life together.

I must live in a bubble. I have never heard of being married and keeping it a secret and then plan a wedding a year or so later. You are already married why do you need a wedding. The real reason a couple gets married is to be married not have a wedding. What am I missing here?

My first though was 'Money, Money, Money'. They are already married and have kept it secret from a lot of people. Out them. Why should people have to pay towards a 'wedding' when they are already married? Makes no sense to me.

There is only one reason she wants to meet with them together. To figure out how much each of them are going to pay for her wedding. (or her mother has prompted this meeting to tell him "it's his responsibility as the bride's father to pay")

Now, I know people who have had delayed ceremonies. I had a friend who had one because she was heavily pregnant and wanted the "pretty wedding" once she was back down to size. (of course, as things go... she is now divorced)

So, I really see no point in the meeting at all.

First question for your SO is "do you want to give your daughter money for a wedding?" YES or NO.

If Yes: He can call his child and tell her that. I plan on giving you $5,000 for your wedding... you can choose to spend it as you wish... but I don't see any need to meet with your mother.

If No: I am not giving you money for a ceremony so I don't believe I have any say in what you want to do for a ceremony.

That's it. If she wants to know if he would attend a destination wedding or something, no reason to ask in front of his EX.

Besides. He can also say "I couldn't possibly make any commitments without Raggles by my side"... is she invited too?

I wonder how everyone's going to feel after finding out they've been lied to for two years?

If this is how they're starting out, will they even be together in two years?

Oyyyy veyyyyy

Totally agree with ESMOD offer up an amount dh is willing to pay and that's it.

Hearing stories like this makes me so happy my adult married bio was sensible and humble. I am sure there are several of you too who have decent kids too.

Hard pressed to support in any way the lack of transparency in this wedding debacle. I can tell ya my ex husband would have said FORGET IT your own your own. And he would mean it too. I might offer cost of cake and flowers with a cap on those funds.

I do NOT Like people who withhold information THEN ask people to jump when they want to come clean. We would have called them very shifty 'years ago'

I am really confused. I don’t understand the reasons for this woman to keep her marriage status secret but equally i don’t understand everyone’s reactions to it.

I don’t know anyone who has a wedding just to get gifts. People have weddings to celebrate with their family and friends. I don’t know anyone who has spent less on a wedding than the value of gifts that they have received. And if I were invited to a belated wedding celebration party (after the official marriage) I would freely choose to spend the same amount as I would on a wedding gift as to me it is the same thing and I didn’t get them something previously. I don’t see any difference when the official ceremony took place. If I went to a wedding but it was announced that the official part had taken place in secret previously then I would be surprised, perhaps confused but I would not feel defrauded or duped. It would still be a nice time to celebrate the couple and the joining of families.

If you don’t want to get someone a wedding gift then don’t get them a wedding gift. I know it is conventional but it is not obligatory.

I worked with a girl who’s BIL had married a girl he’d met online from Russia in a quick ceremony.
She was living in the states, he flew down and got married. It took about 3 months to get her into Canada. He’s Russian as well, just raised in Canada.

Everyone knew they were married, they had to be to get her here.

But they felt they’d been ripped off in the gift department by not having a wedding so they planned a big elaborate ceremony. Turned out most of her family couldn’t get visas to come to Canada for the wedding.
So they moved it to Mexico. The Russian govt doesn’t think people will stay in Mexico but they will stay in Canada.

Hardly any of the Canadian invites went, nor did they send gifts. The few Russians who could afford to go couldn’t also afford a gift.

So in the end they basically spent a fortune on a vacation with family. Karma baby!