BM ranting again.
So yesterday DH dropped the skids off at home at 6 pm and of course BM was late. About 30 minutes later she sends a text telling him that he violated the CO by not communicating with her about the skids medical needs. She was claiming that OSS asthma was terrible and that YSS had a 101 temperature. OSS never showed any signs that his asthma was even bothering him and YSS had the same symptoms as DH and me just coughing a little bit and sneezing so he was just taking allergy medication just like us. Also OSS tells her everything so it's not like she didn't know what was going on. So do you think DH was wrong for not letting BM know that YSS was sneezing and coughing a little bit? He did not have a temperature during DH's visitation because DH took his temperature every few hours during the day for the past couple of days. Could BM use this against DH in court? The CO states that DH is supposed to inform her of any medical or educational needs.
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Dear Lord, these women will
Dear Lord, these women will use ANYTHING against their ExH's. Catching a slight cold, would not count as a "medical need" for heaven sake. Really, just ignore her, she's just yanking your DH's chain.
I remember once SD22 had a bit of a rash on her back, and NPD BM forced DH to take her to the hospital at night, 25 miles away. Of course it was nothing.
My DH and I deal with this
My DH and I deal with this all the time. I agree with the previous posters...1) ignore and 2) if she doesn't rush the child to the dr then it wasn't that big of a deal; she just wanted to be mad about something.
BM can use whatever she wants
BM can use whatever she wants in court. She can claim all day, everyday that your DH breathing is a violation of the CO because he didn't inform her that he was still alive.
All because she CAN doesn't mean that is means anything. She yells and screams because she's hoping your DH will cave or do something stupid that is actually a meaningful violation of the CO. She's blowing smoke because she can't handle that things are just peachy and non-drama-filled
Ignore. Nothing says your DH has to respond. The less he responds or cares, the less she'll do it. Or, at least, the less you'll care.
Look up the definition of
Look up the definition of medical neglect in your state. It is generally defined by permanent or lasting harm or death. So....sniffles aren't gonna cut it.
Thank you guys for all of
Thank you guys for all of your opinions and information.
While it may not be medical
While it may not be medical neglect, your husband should have informed her about the cough/sniffles and the fact that he treated it with allergy medicine.
TBH, that sounds odd... if all three of you had this, do you think perhaps it is a cold? If it's a cold, why give allergy medicine? Unless you are saying sudafed is an allergy medicine. Allergy medicine aims to block the histamine response to an allergen. If he has a cold, it doesn't do much for that... so no point in giving THAT.
Anyway, the reason that it would be important is that most medications say to consult a doctor if there isn't improvement within X period of time. So, if this cough/sniffles thing lingered on longer than a couple days she may need to take him to a doctor who would want to know "how long he has had it and what was being done at home to treat symptoms". So, her being aware that the kid has had symptoms for a few days might have been important information for her to know.
It may not be medical neglect, but it is common sense to share this information and sounds like your DH's CO requires it.
Maybe he could've sent her a
Maybe he could've sent her a text however it would've turned into an unnecessary drama fest which is why DH didn't text her in the first place. I don't have a cold because I went to the doctor yesterday. The doctor said it was allergies. OSS showed no symptoms of being sick at all even asking him how he felt all the time. Surely this was embellish by either OSS or BM. Maybe YSS really was in fact sick but he did not have a temperature while DH had him for his visitation.
Allergies aren't
Allergies aren't contagious...so unless your DH and SS are allergic to the same thing then their issue may not have been allergies... and therefor allergy meds would not be effective.
Perhaps this is part of her worry that her DH doesn't understand how to care for even minor illness properly? Just because one person has sniffles due to allergy doesn't mean the other people do. Allergy meds don't treat colds.
Being "afraid of drama" is no excuse not to communicate information about his child's health to the child's mother.
He could have communicated this information at pickup too... or text right after pickup so that she was aware of her kid's health issues.
There are many people in my
There are many people in my town that get allergies at the same time due to shifts in the weather.
The weatherman even talks about it on the news and says "If your allergies are kicking up right now, it's because of the mold count/pollen count/fungus etc".
No fever leans more towards allergies. The husband knows how to take his child's temperature and make sure his child doesn't have one. He cares enough to do so. That doesn't sound like he's too dumb to know when his child is sick. He did what he should have done and made a judgment call. His judgment may not have been right, but that doesn't mean he doesn't know how to care for a basic illness properly.
Why couldn't BM just say "hey, I noticed son is sniffling when he got back from your house. How long has it been going on?" in order to get that information. Why make it high conflict and confrontational and accusatory? Normal people don't do that but high conflict BM's do.
Not even my crazy BM would be that confrontational about it and accuse medical neglect, withholding info etc. He's not a newborn. The child can communicate for himself at that age. He's also not comatose and unable to tell her himself. She's just wanting to stir a pot.
It's possible their
It's possible their thermometer was defective too. I know I have bought three in the past few years that don't work properly. Only only reads a proper temp after trying to use it several times in a row. (all of them were way under measuring)
If the kid did in fact have a fever, it's possible that their thermometer isn't accurate.
Personally, I would be ticked if I was handed off two kids that were to me obviously sick without a word of explanation.
So if their thermometer was
So if their thermometer was broken, he is guilty of not treating their illnesses properly?
What if hers is broken? Is she guilty of munchausen-by-proxy?
I'm just saying it's possible
I'm just saying it's possible his thermometer wasn't working. I can usually "tell" when I or someone has a fever because they are warmer to the tough than they should be.
I'm not saying that the guy is guilty of medical neglect.
I'm not saying that BM isn't overly dramatic.
I am saying that I think parents should let each other know about the symptoms kids are having and what was done to treat the symptoms because it may be helpful if things don't improve and the kid ends up at a doctor's office. Because, doctors do often have to rely on what we tell them in order to diagnose or decide on a treatment plan.
And.. maybe it wouldn't have mattered whether he told her or not. At least if he HAD told her, he would be secure in knowing he did the right thing. (not talking CO related.. just talking in general about ensuring the person in charge of his kid knows what's up)
If the thermometer is broken,
If the thermometer is broken, how could YSS claim 101 fever?
I took it to mean that SS
I took it to mean that SS complained to mom that he felt hot.. or she thought he looked flushed so she took his temp with HER thermometer.
If dad did in fact take it with his and it didn't register, he might want to get another one. But he can tell her he DID take the temp.
But, again, if he had just told her "hey.. ss had cough/sniffles and I thought it was allergies since I took his temp several times and there was no fever" then that could be the end of what he had to say.
but esmod, there you go again
but esmod, there you go again thinking like a NORMAL person. a normal person would say exactly what you suggest. a normal bm would send a text like "hey oss is wheezing and yss has a low-grade fever - did you give them anything for it?" that's what normal folks would do.
but no, this bm is NOT normal, she texts an accusatory message with a thinly veiled threat, "telling him that he violated the CO by not communicating with her about the skids medical needs". so normal dealings with normal folks do not apply in this situation. it's best to keep communication to an absolute minimum, IMHO. i don't think OP's dh would be considered by a court to be in violation, he's got nothing to worry about. bm is going to "find" something regardless, just to stir the $#it-pot. i'd just ignore the wh0re and not even bother responding in any way cuz ya know, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
Yeah.. I know... normal isn't
Yeah.. I know... normal isn't always possible with some people lol.
But, I would probably just make the communication with bare minimum info and then just ignore the backwash.
OSS was not sick so she
OSS was not sick so she clearly was embellishing on the fact that he was. When some clearly had asthma dont they wheeze and cough etc?
https://asthma.net/living/not
https://asthma.net/living/not-asthmatics-wheeze-not-wheezing-asthma/
This article explains a little bit that might help you understand that it's possible he was having issues even if he wasn't coughing or wheezing.
Then why did he not speak up
Then why did he not speak up while he was on visitation if it was such a big deal. So all of the sudden both kids are sick as soon as they go home.
Well.. you already admitted
Well.. you already admitted one of the kids was symptomatic at your home. So, there was at least 50% truth to her saying kids came to her sick.
Why didn't they tell you? I am guessing because they don't find you receptive to hearing anything from them and based on reading past posts.. your DH seems a bit uninterested in what his kids are doing and doesn't spend a lot of time interacting with them. He just wants them to be "there" and hang out and "be themselves"...
Maybe mom is more likely to ask and kids like attention so maybe they exagerated.. or maybe you both downplayed what they had so they didn't figure they would get anywhere saying anything.
Having a cough is not
Having a cough is not something to write home about. OP states they kept an eye on the child's temperature and it was never high.
It is now high while in BM's care. There are all sorts of reason's why that could happen.
Yes... there are. But it may
Yes... there are. But it may have been high and dad's thermometer didn't read it correctly too.
I'm not saying that BM isn't being a pain. I'm not saying the kids are on death's door or that they may not even be exagerating.
My main point was that I probably would have made the hand-off and let her know that one of the kids had been symptomatic enough to warrant medication...
Her DH is just as passive aggressive as his EX is TBH from what I see.
Or it may be normal and BM's
Or it may be normal and BM's thermometer doesn't read correctly. Or BM uses a different type because location different locations have different reads and what is a fever in one spot is not the same as another.
BM was late to the pick up. I'm not even sure if she was present but depending on circumstances DH or OP was already distracted. BM may not have given them time to even say anything.
It doesn't feel like good communication is happening here. A cough is something I would tell in passing since it's not a huge concern. A high fever I would be informing the other parent about through a message. The boy didn't have a high fever with them.
BM is finding things to cry about. They could have told her everything and she would be whining "your wasting my time with this stuff because it's not important."
CO's statements about medical state is suppose to cover doctor visits and other important possibly life threatening medical events. This is every day stuff that just happens with a kid. BM isn't required to call dad every time the kid has a cold in her care? Sure it would be polite to say something during the exchange but as I pointed out this is what happens when there are issues with co-parenting.
There definitely appear to be
There definitely appear to be issues here for sure.
I honestly wouldn't necessarily inform the other parent of a minor issue in my care.. only if the kid was being transferred while the issue was still an issue. If kid had a cough one day but was cleared up by exchange, no real reason to say anything at that point.
My little bro has asthma. It
My little bro has asthma. It can act up spontaneously. If he was inside with the AC/air circulating a lot during his visit, he may not have had very bad exposure. Exercise can cause flare ups (little bro is an athlete... He takes his inhaler before and after normally.)
Random things can flare it up. Sometimes there will be just one day when the pollen count, or the humidity is weird and it can cause a flare up. It might not have been acting up your entire visit and just suddenly acted up for her and so she flipped her gasket. I wouldn't read too much into it... Normally the person who has asthma can tell you when it's acting up (or they'll have an attack, and then you definitely know...) So if SS didn't say anything, I'm going to say it probably wasn't flaring up, or he was hiding it. If he was hiding it, let's face it, there was only so much you could do anyways.
So just ignore her and keep going!
"your husband should have
"your husband should have informed her about the cough/sniffles and the fact that he treated it with allergy medicine" - i'll have to respectfully disagree with you on this one. the skids are not babies or toddlers or severely mentally handicapped - i believe OP's dh has no need to communicate with the bm outside of visitation arrangements or major medical events. the sniffles and/or allergy meds to treat? come on now, that's just ridiculous. most CO's stipulate regarding medical issues and treatment, but this is routine BS. if ss got a paper cut and OP's dh put neosporin and a bandaid on it, he'd be mandated to contact the bm to inform her? if he bumped his knee horsing around with the dog and dh put an ice-pack on it, he'd have to let bm know? i mean really now, come on and be reasonable.
If he had to treat it with
If he had to treat it with medication... maybe that's the "reasonable" line to inform his EX? and a minor cut or abrasion wouldn't rise to that level.
The fact that her DH is apparently treating his son with allergy medicine when he most likely didn't have allergies (since they aren't contagious and because tank has them doesn't follow that SS and DH has them) is probably an indication that BM has some valid reason to believe her DH isn't going to treat the kid's medical issues appropriately.
Because I am not always sure
Because I am not always sure if I have allergies or the beginning of a cold, do I not know how to care for basic illness properly or treat my kid's medical issues appropriately?
Even if he made the wrong call (or I did, because sometimes I do), to presume medical neglect or even what you are saying ("isn't going to treat the kid's medical issues appropriately") takes things way too far.
I absolutely did not say it
I absolutely did not say it was medical neglect... in fact, I said I didn't think it was neglect.
What I am saying is that if the kid has a cough and sniffles that dad tried to treat with medication that he should pass that information on to BM. So... she can know when/if to escalate medical treatment. A cough/sniffles for a day or two might not be significant, but 4-5 days or more with no improvement might mean the kid should go to the doctor. She doesn't have an accurate count on how long this has been going on and what has been tried unless dad tells her. These kids may/may not be savvy enough to pass on this information.
Uh.. I don't know mom... dad gave me something, not sure what it was.
I am not saying it's neglect or a reason to block visitation or anything so dramatic. I'm just saying, a "hey BM, SS has been sniffling for a couple days. I gave him some benadryl and that seemed to help/not help." wouldn't hurt and in fact might be the right thing to do.
Considering BM was not there
Considering BM was not there at the time of drop off DH was unable to let her know about the kids ailments. Could he have sent a text letting her know "BS has sniffles", sure he could have...but lets flip that little scenario around and DH picks up kids and one is coughing and sniffling and radio silence from BM who chooses to wait in the house rather than come out and tell him "hey BS has a bit of a cold"...would she then be in "violation" of the CO....of course! Would DH do anything about it? Of course NOT! Do you know why? Because sometimes adulting means choosing your battles. The OP has stated that BM is high conflict...she is going to argue everything! No matter how you play this scenario even if DH does it perfectly correct he will still be wrong.
By the way OP BM can take you guys to court any time she wants over any little thing no matter how minute, we learned that when we went through 7 years of non stop court with meth ex. Most of her "rants" were nothing, just stupid pointless things meant to bleed DH of more money in lawyer fees and to waste his time.
According to your Bat Shit
According to your Bat Shit BM, every single one of us have medically neglected our kids. You can't possibly be expected to run your kid to the Dr. every time they have the sniffles or a temp of 101 for less than 24 hours. Hell even the Dr.'s office tells you to just alternate acetaminophen and ibuprofen and come in if fever has lasted longer than 72 hours.
LOL. It was just unnecessary
LOL. It was just unnecessary drama and these kids have no problem telling BM things so if they were in fact really that sick then why couldn't they tell DH that they were. Like I said OSS tells BM everything every day and I know this for a fact because I have seen it with my own eyes. So as soon as YSS started coughing or sneezing OSS probably told BM what was going on so for BM to play dumb and act like my DH was neglecting his own kids and sent them home sick to her is just down right wrong. Her nasty text message clearly said that she wasn't aware that these kids were sick even though OSS tells her everything so I find it hard to believe that he didn't tell her anything.
She can try to but she should
She can try to but she should get laughed at.
She knows the kid has Asthma. Nothing changed with that. You're not required to send a message every day saying "kid didn't need inhaler". If there is a major attack that sent the kid to the ER or something else out of the norm than yes you tell her but it's just a fact of life for the kid.
As for the 101 fever. Are you expected to take the kids temperature every 5 minutes? Or right before he gets out of the car just in case? The kid didn't have a fever while he was with you. For all you do know the fever popped up during the exchange because of the stress of the situation.
Now the cough medicine may be different. I always check with SO before I give the kid medicine in case he already did. Depending on when the dose was given not telling her could mean the child gets a double does.
Honestly that's what I would look at. Did the kids already receive medication that she needs to be informed of?
BM doesn't tell us when the kids have sniffles which does bother us because she can be giving the kid cough medicine all week long then just punts them out the door with no word. Kids get sniffles. If its a day no big. It's not concerning.
I think every house is
I think every house is different in how they determine what is necessary to respond to and what isn't. My SIL and her ex exchange information over every little sniffle, even though their girls are 18 & 13. The reason they go that in-depth is that ex has a four year old son with severe health issues (not cancer, but the medications he's on suppress his immune system.) The adults decided not to risk the little guy's life if they could help it by depending on teens to remember colds and such.
My DH & his ex communicate illness only if it involved a doctor's visit or looks like it might need a doctor's visit. Little sniffles - not so much. Even staying home from school is not grounds to tell DH, according to BM.
A friend of mine has a rule with her ex that if medicine is dispensed, it needs to be communicated.
I think it all depends on what works for each family. Your DH is just going to have to pick a level at which he deems it necessary to inform BM about illnesses, and stick to it. Have a logical reasoning for why that is the level (in case BM does haul him to court) and then proceed to ignore the tantrums.
"A friend of mine has a rule
"A friend of mine has a rule with her ex that if medicine is dispensed, it needs to be communicated."
This rule is reasonable especially so that one parent knows what the child already has taken so they don't end up double dosing or if it is working... knows what to continue.
I couldn't open up that
I couldn't open up that article on asthma however, I googled and found this.
Asthma Symptoms in Children
Most children with asthma have symptoms before they turn 5. In very young children, it may be hard for parents, and even doctors, to recognize that the symptoms are due to asthma. The bronchial tubes in infants, toddlers and preschoolers are already small and narrow, and head colds, chest colds and other illnesses can inflame these airways, making them even smaller and more irritated.
The symptoms of pediatric asthma can range from a nagging cough that lingers for days or weeks to sudden and scary breathing emergencies.
Common symptoms to watch for include:
•Coughing, especially at night
•A wheezing or whistling sound when breathing, especially when exhaling
•Trouble breathing or fast breathing that causes the skin around the ribs or neck to pull in tightly
•Frequent colds that settle in the chest
Your child might have only one of these symptoms or several of them. You may think it’s just a cold or bronchitis. If the symptoms recur, that’s a clue that your child might have asthma. In addition, symptoms may worsen when your child is around asthma triggers, such as irritants in the air (smoke or strong odors, for example) or allergens like pollen, pet dander and dust mites.
BUT JUDGE HE WAS SNEEZING! I
BUT JUDGE HE WAS SNEEZING!
I just love BM's who think that the CO is for them to wield like an ax. If the kid is old enough to tell her he's not feeling well, I feel like that's communication enough. Obviously his father isn't going to ignore symptoms that are requiring attention be brought to them.
*eye roll at your BM*
Just ignore.
exactly. This BM doesn't
exactly. This BM doesn't truly care a whit about the skid. She just uses skid as a pawn to get back at DH for having committed the REAL "violation" of having moved on. BM is as transparent as saran wrap.
Period.