*** I sliced this blog in half if you just want to know what DCP's reaction to all of this was***

So I took BD to her doctor today to follow up on the list of reports I have been getting from DCP. I need to process all of the information I was given as well as start the process of figuring out where I come down on all of this.

So I'm going to do it here, because my brain works best through my keyboard.

The doctor observed BD for a little more than an hour. We discussed that this appointment resulted from the slew of reports I've been getting from DCP as far as non-compliance, heckling her friends and her behavior at home-pro-longed tantruming, "pin balling" or bouncing from one activity to the next, to the next, the way she plays with children she is comfortable with (trying to control them and what their doll says to her doll), constantly trying to control me, demanding attention, knowingly breaking rules to see the reaction, non-compliance with requests, bedtime troubles.

I detailed for him some of DCP's more Broadway style reports and he had the same question many of you have "does this woman understand children at all?". I think she does-but what I'm quickly finding the problem to be is DCP's inability to effectively communicate with adults.

I digress, the doctor and I discussed BD's behaviors. He suggested that I highly structure her home routine. Now the mornings are pretty structured already, there's a lot to do and we're trying to beat the clock. In the evening, it's a different story, we are much more lax and I expect BD to pick an activity or play while I make dinner (she's not at a point where she can help with this yet-plus it's my zen time). His suggestion was that I structure that time to avoid the behavioral problems I'm seeing. Now, bath nights are generally pretty good, and that's because there's more structured activity on bath nights, so he thinks that this is a good indicator that structuring that time with table top activities and a quiet activity will help before her bedtime routine begins. Structure evening routine, got it. 10-4, will do. I think he's onto something.

Then we discussed sharing and how she interacts with her familiar friends vs. new friends. New friends, Doc says, she's trying to win over, old friends on the other hand she has already put into the "safe" category and feels comfortable being more controlling of them. He also asked if she was demanding or controlling of me, to which I told him she was (and she can be). He said that this is a result of her 3 year old brain working to confirm that she is loved. This upset me. I shared with the doctor that we tell her she's "our best peanut ever" (she started telling us "you're the best Mama/Daddy ever" a few months ago) and we do tell her often how loved she is. He said that her 3 year old brain's "love language" seems to fall into that whole "acts of service" theory. She is equating our meeting her needs or requests for a snack or water as proof that she is loved because that's the plane she's working on in her current developmental state. On the flip side, there is often times tensions and frustration thrown in there when I'm elbow deep in hamburger and she's demanding apple juice. Usually I try to tell her that I'll be right there, and she tantrums. After about 5 minutes of this and 10 different requests and trying to reason with her, I start to lose my head. I need to work on that.
*note to self you need to find a better way to help her understand she needs to wait because she does need to wait sometimes. Ask Play Therapist.

His next recommendation is that she isn't getting the opportunity to calm her self down from her day effectively which is impacting her sleep. He suggested that she might be experiencing some somatosensory issues as far as this goes and suggested a weighted blanket before bed. I know what weighted blankets are, I've seen the wonders they work-I am genuinely intrigued to see if this will help our night time routine (which is the most routine routine we have ever routined- we stick to it religiously and have since she was an infant-we are consistent with this, have been for 3 years at this point and it is NOT fun).

Finally, he recommended that we see a play therapist. He feels that if we can observe someone working with her to explain the importance of being a good friend, following the rules and making good choices on her level-she will benefit and we will benefit from learning how best she communicates from a professional. I'm honestly, very excited about this. I DO need to work on ways to better communicate with her little mind. Like I said I can do 10+ all day ever day, but toddlers are uncharted territory for me and honestly I had never been interested in child psychology until I worked at the Psychiatric Hospital with 10-13 year olds and I was actually pretty good at it-but I had a lot of help, modeling and training. I'm also really good with the ID/DD pop. I've been doing that for years, again with modeling and lots of training. I don't know why this is different, but I'm hoping, that all of this will result in a better understanding and more calm for our home and I am definitely a learn by example kind of person.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So I get all of this information and on our 30 minute drive back to DCP's I am trying to plan out in my head how to present all of this information to this DCP who I perceive as incredibly close minded already and try to remind myself not be close minded to her reaction. And not to let her rattle me (I don't know why but she just has a knack for that).

Anyway, I begin to detail for DCP how the appointment went. Now, I have to choose my words carefully otherwise I'll set her off. Apparently I didn't chose my words correctly today. She cut me off and sparked another amazing DCP lecture.

Here are the highlights:

-"When my husband overheard you say that you were taking her to the doctor the other night_______"
I don't know the rest of that sentence because my brain tuned out after she said "my husband". I don't care what your husband thinks. I really don't. **Don't be close-minded self, breathe, hear her out** (my new mantra)
-Parents today don't know how to parent properly. My husband said that if BD spent a week with Grandma I'm sure she'd be fine (UHM no. This is just utter and complete farce. My mother lets BD stay up until midnight in the off chance she takes her for an overnight (that happens maybe 3-5 times per year) because SHE can't get her to go to bed (BD will literally lay there and talk your ear off all night). My mother is also the one who constantly tells me that SO and I are too strict with BD and we need to "let her be a kid". I'm considering sending my Mom there to pick up BD tonight so she can set DCP straight on this-that we DO have rules we DO enforce them, but for some reason, there's a breakdown somewhere, something is not working and I'm trying to pin point it).

-All schools and doctors do is label children.
LABEL SMABLE. If I label my child a dinosaur and I treat her like a dinosaur she's going to start acting like a dinosaur. Why? Self full-filling prophecies ARE a thing. That might be the only thing I got out of my child psychology class in Undergrad. If you can check your own objectivity and work not to project a preconceived notion onto someone else (ie you're going to see the behavior you look for) then there is no harm in putting a face on a problem. I call BS on this.

-YOU ie me-need to pick a parenting style and stick with it. And you need to decide what morals you want her to grow up with. The internet is a great resource.
The internet is full of whatever you want it to be full of, I could find you 10 articles that support my stance in this whole discussion and 10 that support yours, the internet is not objective, it is subjective based on what you're looking for. For example I can't tell you how many horror stories I've read recently about "over critical DCP's" and how many articles I've read about "overactive children". It's all about what you want to know. I need objective opinions which is what I am seeking. I am doing it the only way I know how: DCP and Doc are 2 completely different people, with two completely different approaches to children and different backgrounds. Ask both, compare notes, find middle ground and work it. Which is what I'm doing tyvm. It's called vetting information. And THAT is a moral I want my child to grow up with-learn to think for yourself.

Now this last part is TOTALLY indicative of why I put up with this sh*t from DCP because THIS was actually good information that I would like to know:

-BD does well with table top activities and expectations when she's consistently presented with them.

HOLY CRAP, that sounds like structure. GO ON.
-BD can do workbook activities for up to 10 minutes and DCP is working on getting her up to 15 minutes. Then she is allowed to switch activities but she is expected to stay the duration of the time to complete the activity and BD DOES.

NOW. THERE IS SOME INFORMATION I COULD USE (of course last week it was a completely different story but whatever).

She then made suggestions on how to structure her night time routine, that actually co-insides with the doctor's suggestions. DCP does this with BD on a regular basis, whereas I have not even thought to try it. So knowing now what I know, I have a starting point of how to structure our evening routine.

I feel much better now that I have sorted this all out. I figured it would be better here than just in a word document I'm going to save to my desktop and probably reference 1 or 2 times before moving it to the trash.

And while I'm collecting opinions, if you have made it through all of this-thank you and feel free to weigh in. I appreciate perspective and I'm going to need it to make sure I don't end up in a medical rabbit hole. Which is entirely possible.