I've actually been a reader since the toddler dropped a ring down the toilet and kicked a beagle down the stairs. I deleted my account during one of the "great purges", the one where the user threatened to out people and we lost the blonde and the former flight attendant. DH and I have been married a little over 5 years, he's been divorced for 8. I've had no issues with my adult skids, other than the normal teenage drama where their tiny brains make them make stupid decisions. They're turning in to fine young men, but...........SHE'S BACK!

SS22 is in the military. He married an idiot who rivals his mother's psychotic behavior. It lasted 6 months, the divorce is pending. SS20 lives with us during the winter, he has a summer job that takes him out into the world. Whackadoodle the BM (TM) moved to the great state of Texas while her boyeeees were still in high school to live with her rich, spiritual husband, Weak Chin, whom she met on Christianmingle.com. Turns out he's not rich, but he is as untreated bi-polar as she is. She never bothered to do regular visitation with them when they were minors, but now that all of the hard work is over they are once again her "focus and her world!!!!!!!!".

Whackadoodle was a nurse. She eventually lost her license following her conviction for stealing from the elderly. She was then arrested for shoplifting a big ole cart of wine from the local Wal-Mart whilst she was working as a bedazzled sample girl. Next came the arrest for aggravated assault with a deadly weapon (and later jury trial conviction) when she pulled a gun on 2 teenagers while walking her dog. That was followed by the arrest for kicking the paramedics and cops who came to assist her whilst she was passed out in her car in the middle of an intersection. Then we had the incident where she was arrested for DUI drugs and alcohol on black Friday. Texas figured 4 months in jail and some probation was adequate punishment for 2 felonies so now she's served her time and is born again for about the 5th or 6th time.

Normal probationers are asked to get a job, but not this broad. She's on vacation from her unemployment gig visiting her parents at their retirement duplex about 20 miles from us. SS went and picked her up a few weeks ago and they spent some time in our area. She is not welcome at our house, a house that was purchased after the divorce, since the last time she showed up drunk and laid in our driveway about a year ago. She wasn't welcome any time prior to that either and she has been told several times by DH not to show up here. SS20 told her last week not to come here. She's blocked from calling DH. He has an iPhone so you can block and number but they can still leave messages. The last one she left was a doozy, it was about a 20 minute message (broken up into 3 different calls) detailing how she would like her family back and would very much like to reconcile with DH. She knows I would probably be heartbroken, but I am the mastermind behind it so he should just go ahead and take her back. I have no idea what I masterminded seeing as they were divorced when we met but whatever.

Last week, SS20 had a routine medical procedure that required him to be sedated for about 22 minutes. Whackadoodle, MOTY that she is, was very concerned. She managed to trick DH into answering a blocked call, his workplace also shows up as blocked so he thought it was something official, where she proceeded to try to sell to him that "it would be a beautiful thing if SS saw both of his parents standing there as he was wheeled out". DH old her, again, that their boyeees are now adults and there is no reason for them to ever communicate about anything.

So anyway, here's the point of this post.......yesterday I was out in the open garage trying to secure the pallet of paper-towels I bought at Costco for $11 when someone walked into the garage. I heard a female voice say "meow" and as I looked up, I saw a figure leave the garage. My first thought was porch pirates trying to steal my awesome Christmas wreath as I walked out and saw an unfamiliar truck. It was a redneck truck so I wasn't too alarmed as they are my people. I walked around the corner and there on my porch was Whackadoodle's sister, former LPGA player with the short-n-wispy yet masculine hairdo, named Man Hands. Man Hands turned to me and said in her deep voice, "ho, ho, ho, it's Kris Kringle with Whackadoodle's presents for the boys". As my lips were forming an "Are you F....." and were about to spew forth a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush, SS came to the door, thus saving Man Hands. It was then I turned and noticed Whackadoodle was sitting in the driver's seat. I went inside and let DH have it. I'm not sure why, it's not his fault because he's done his best to tell her to F off.

What were the emergency Christmas presents that had to be delivered in person a week before the holiday you might ask??? Well, it was a brown paper bag for each boyeee with his name lovingly written in sharpie on both sides, stapled shut with hearts drawn on them. They were presents from her wealthy parents I lovingly refer to as bumpkin and dipshit, a play on their real fake names of bump and something stupid I can't recall anymore. Some recon to the dumpster this morning revealed SS20's bag contained a card written in loopy purple letters declaring him to be a child of God and encouraging him to purge himself from his toxic environment (his rent free house) and toxic people (me and DH), along with computer printed photos of relatives I heard him telling DH he doesn't know. SS20's bag was located this morning (she's sent perishables and fireworks in the past) and it felt like something soft was in it, probably the same cheap dollar store blanket that was on SS's floor.

And just like that, SHE'S BACK! Five years of wondering when the next time this broad was going to show up on my doorstep or what kind of nastiness she was going to bring into our lives and here it is. Two encounters in a week and it's never going to stop. For those of you who think your BM trouble will end when the skid age out, I hope it does, but I don't think it ever will. Now I'm sitting here researching how to anonymously order bags of poop online and wondering how I would deliver them to her.