Beginning-- SS and I we're friends as he was just 2 when his dad and I knew each other, not close but more of an acquaintance friends. SS was 4 when his dad and I started dating. My son (BS) from first marriage, who's dad left, was then 6, but he was out of the picture while DH was just my date then. SS's BM was barely in the picture. She was sick (depression) to be part in it.

around Year 1-2- BS was now in the picture, we moved in to DH and SS house. DH is well-off since; I was a working class single mom. The BM was still sick then. I stood up as the main mother of the 2 boys. I played this role and acted on this role-- all activities, birthday parties, any school and group play events, and other concerns that supposed to be done by a mother, I did. DH was very active on work, me and SS, never with my BS. It was sad. I think he was jealous with him. SS started acting up and disliking me and my son. Understandable but DH always favoured SS when there were disputes. Fine, but I started to feel really bad about a lot of things.

around Year 3-- Blended family problem rose higher. DH and I always fight about SS. He's over protected of him, always spent time with him more, he thought I was jealous, I thought so too, but who wouldn't? Though I was never a walking-monster thinking of harming SS. Never. I, in fact, feel terrible every time I realize SS was emotionally hurt, and so was my BS. But what could I do? I started hating everything! DH was not willing to be close to my BS ever since either, so what exactly were to be impressed about this man? I started to hate and was discouraged of my situation, my life, DH and SS. DH and I "finally" got married (year 3--mistake) because I was pregnant. Contrary to what I hoped for, things hardly got better. BM is starting to reappear in SS life, but it's still mostly I who stood as SS mother. SS still lived full time with us, maybe saw his mother once a week for few hours.

around Year 4-- Things in our blended family got worse. Baby was growing. DH was very supportive through my pregnancy up until we fight about his parenting style to our baby too. He seemed not trusting me on how I handle our son. So in addition to our co-parenting chaos, whenever SS and I have a disagreement, simply whether I asked SS to pick-up his toys or not to talk back at me, DH attacked me, never took my side. SS mostly just acted up against me, so his dad and I fight, and I ended up being the bad, abandoned "bitch". DH 99% continuously defended his son (in front of SS and my BS). All because he thought I was wrong disciplining his drama prince, spoiled, and rude son. I usually being left, crying with my baby isolating ourselves in a room when SS and DH joined forces against me. We have no problem with my BS, he is cooperative, quite, and considerate. I feel sorry for him, he sees and feels my sadness. I still continue to stand as SS mother in spite of. DH and I started seeing a marriage councillor because not only we deeply hurt each other emotionally, we started hurting each other physically too. BM was now more active in SS life.

around Year 5-- Imagine living in my situation for almost 6 years with all these, tiny changes...NOT even enough to heal the pain that caused my heart to forget how to smile. DH and I were still in counselling. He tried to step back from me and SS when we had disputes as what the councillor advised him to do but 90% DH buts in still. Now even harder to leave the marriage for our baby boy. We still took holiday trips twice a year but mostly in hell due to fights about SS and his growing bad-ass attitude. I DON'T REMEMBER A GOOD FAMILY HOLIDAY, literally STRESSFUL, as always. Up until year 5, there were good times, but mostly bad times. SS spends more time to his mom, sometimes 2 days a week.

around year 6-7- Same. After $$$ for counselling. Same. we just ended it, waste of money and time. Councillor said, DH has no plan to change therefore if i want to keep my family together, it is I who have to continue to change (what exactly? I think she meant to say I should continue to let this man abuse me and understand him after). I continuously disengaging myself from SS-- since, I couldn't say anything to this boy without engaging fight with him and his dad together, then might as well stepped-out as his mother. His BM is more present now, anyway. Though many times I couldn't help helping SS out still, he seemed like a real son to me in spite of, i knew him since 2. So, yes, disengaging INCONSISTENTLY. DH got sick around year 7. None of his more than 10 doctors, local and overseas, knew what was the cause. He had limited energy. Grumpier. We fought more of course. We still hurt each other emotionally and physically. SS bad-ass attitude not even better. The demands emotionally and physically in my part is getting heavier and heavier and heavier! My patience was even more tested.

around year 8-- DH was still sick. When he got a small energy in a day, he spent it mostly with SS; his "over-protected" and "daddy-guilt" syndrome never stopped. I had to keep understanding because that is what I supposed to be doing and I was the not-ill person; though, it was very hard (still is, in fact, never got easy). I started accepting that I am the main caregiver of my 2 BS. DH is very good of taking care of himself, I just assisted him with his needs. SS was mainly being co-parented then with both his bio-parents, as I resigned to be his step-parent already, though I still have to do the things his dad and mom cannot do for him. My life's a mess. I was convinced that I am a BAD PERSON for holding the grudge about how DH and SS brought a worst side of me.

Present-year 9-- I am just going with the flow for my 2 bio-sons. 98% completely disengaging from step-mother responsibilities. I let SS be on his own on whatever he does as long as it does not kill himself and others. Sometimes DH and I gets along, mostly we don't because of SS. Marriage is still very STRESSFUL. TOXIC. UNHEALTHY. How did I get this far? avoid-- avoid-- avoid-- the time with SS and DH together. Try not to say anything when DH shares his issues about SS and BM or anything about SS-- DO NOT SAY ANYTHING OR YOU'RE DEAD! Go collect more friends. Sneak lunch out with friends. My DH does not like it, so what. I am actually worried I might get cancer for barely feeling happy. hurtful name-callings, words, actions are killing my soul-- I AM 100% SURE OUR 3 SONS ARE AFFECTED NIGATIVELY BY ALL THESE. I cant leave DH because he is still not well (no medical findings still almost 3 years now, only small and big tests and possible remedies.)
-- 3 weeks ago, SS got hit on head and had to rest, therefore mostly at home up until today. WORSE. DH is more worried about SS and more protective, more stressed over his situation. Therefore, more stress thrown at me because (for maybe selfish reason) I don't really show that I care so much. half of me thinks this kid is just making drama to make his injury appear tremendous, as he usually does things just to get more attention from everyone around him. I am not sure, hopefully NOT bad injury, but I have no amour to this kid anymore, so I let his dad handle it. I just cooperate what was asked of me, though I suppose I cut his apple too? too much! Very sad and it feels horrible.

Why don't I leave?
1- I am afraid about raising my children alone, I can't give them a luxury life like DH gives them. I am not financially stable to continuously take them, especially my BS, to expensive private schools, high rated (expensive too) curricular activities, and holiday trips.
2- What if I get sick? I have no family here.
3- What if I get involve in an accident and I have no money to pay for myself and any damages?
**Yes I get alimony and divorce share but that will finish too one day. I don't care about myself as DH doesn't really spoil me emotionally, financially and materially, so I am really used to live a simple life.
4- Most importantly, how can I leave a sick man? Who has no energy to deal with daily things, the more about marital drama? He already half-left his business and left social life because of his unknown illness. He'll be worse because of me.
** Though, the more I stay here, the more I feel that the stress we have in our marriage, which I also created somehow, is the one that is slowly damaging his health (and maybe mine too)

Again, happy moments are 25% and 75% of this married life is a HELL. When can I get out without feeling worse!