It bothers me because we have shared money and right now, we have less money than we would like. I was between jobs, but will be starting a new job soon.

DH couldn't wait for me to get a new job before buying a house, so we live in a house that we can afford on one income, but only if we don't spend all of our money on extras like treats and outings. He was the one who pushed for us to get a bigger mortgage and swore up and down that we'd do the saving necessary to make it work.

DH regularly spends between $300-$400 on treats and activities on his weekends with SSs. He also wants us to spend over $1000 to take them skiing this year (including lessons, gear, travel, etc) and wants us to take them on a vacation this summer that would cost between $3000 and $5000. This is the same man who when I suggest we do something together, tells me that we don't have any money to do anything. In addition, BM regularly demands extra money we hadn't planned on giving her (used to be a few extra hundred a month, but we've managed to scale it back a bit). I've told him that if he wants us to continue to share finances "like a family" then he needs to budget for things and we won't just spend all of our disposable income entertaining his children.

DH and BM spent well beyond their means when they were married (even though they were making over $200K between the two of them, they still didn't pay any bills on time in 2011, never owned a home after their short sale in 2010 (which wasn't a true short sale, because they sold it for more than their original mortgage, but had taken out so many additional mortgages that they owed more than they sold it for) and had downsize both of their cars after the divorce. I still have no idea what they spent their money on and DH has been either unable or unwilling to enlighten me). I've told DH that I won't live like they did and that financial stability is important to me (and told him this well before we were married), so he needs to learn to scale back. We managed to scale back to one treat or outing a weekend, but this weekend, there were four or five. So, essentially, when SM is around, we have limited fun. When it's just dad, it's one big party.

Also, the sneaking around and doing things that bother me, goes beyond money. It includes, eating in your rooms and leaving your dishes lying around, leaving all of your trash and games lying around, using the guest room as your extra bedroom, using SM's things and either damaging them or not putting them back where they belong, etc when SM is not around. So, again, any house rules we had go out the window when I'm not here. That's my problem. I'm the mean, old SM and DH is the fun dad who would let them do whatever they wanted if I wasn't around.

This may be one of the final straws that pushes me toward separate finances. I'm now entering employment again, so maybe time for DH and I to reach an agreement on how we pool our resources to cover common needs and then spend what we want with the rest of the money we have. I'm not necessarily pleased that we couldn't come to some agreement on how to be more financially responsible, but for my own sanity, I need to not see it as hundreds of my dollars being spent on stupid things that are not really needed and will quickly be forgotten.

Also, if DH wants to change the sheets in the guest room and make it presentable for guests after using it to co-sleep with his child, that's fine, but don't sleep in there with your kids and then either expect me to clean it up for guests or not tell me and let guests sleep on dirty sheets!

He has no backbone when it comes to his kids and is still working on boundaries...he's also still apparently working on how to be a married man and not just a single dad out having fun with his kids.

If DH wants to have a fun weekend, that's fine, but I expect two things from him: 1) he will not spend so much money that he needs to pull from savings to cover every day expenses; 2) he owns it and doesn't try to hide it from me. It's when he sneaks that it makes me suspicious. My view is that if you feel you need to sneak, then you probably shouldn't be doing whatever it is you're thinking of doing.

There is a lack of trust, but I think more importantly, we have a problem with communication and partnership. I want to feel like a partner with my DH and not that he's just going off and doing his own thing all the time when it comes to his kids. We've just managed to survive a period of unemployment for me and I don't want us to fall back into bad spending habits now that we're getting back on track. When I met DH he was living paycheck to paycheck and couldn't secure a credit card in his name. He allowed me to cover a lot of things under my credit, which I now need to pay off.

Also, he still operates like he can just do whatever he wants when his kids are around even if he knows it's something that will bother or inconvenience me or force a sacrifice on my part. In my view, he needs to compromise, too and not just expect me to give in because he has kids.

I've reached out to a couple of local counselors and none have replied, so I may have to resort to other means to find one, but honestly, if DH and I can't find some way to work together, I'm not sure I can make it for the long haul.

There is a lack of trust, but I think more importantly, we have a problem with communication and partnership. I want to feel like a partner with my DH and not that he's just going off and doing his own thing all the time when it comes to his kids. We've just managed to survive a period of unemployment for me and I don't want us to fall back into bad spending habits now that we're getting back on track. When I met DH he was living paycheck to paycheck and couldn't secure a credit card in his name. He allowed me to cover a lot of things under my credit, which I now need to pay off.

Also, he still operates like he can just do whatever he wants when his kids are around even if he knows it's something that will bother or inconvenience me or force a sacrifice on my part. In my view, he needs to compromise, too and not just expect me to give in because he has kids.

I've reached out to a couple of local counselors and none have replied, so I may have to resort to other means to find one, but honestly, if DH and I can't find some way to work together, I'm not sure I can make it for the long haul.

That's the irony of my DH trying to sneak eating out or other things...I'm the one who manages all the finances and pays all the bills, even his credit cards, so I always see it. The last time I was away, he said, "aren't you proud of me, we only went to dinner and not the movies?" But, what he didn't tell me was that he'd gone to the movies the night before - which I saw when I paid the credit card that month!

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Now that I'm back to having my own income, things are definitely going to change for us financially. DH has always objected when I've talked about separate finances, but time and again, he just spends as if it's going out of style when SSs are with him, so for my own security, we're now moving to separate finances.

I have a little under a week to get everything straightened out. DH has a individual account and our joint account. My individual account is currently at another bank, so I think my first step is closing that one and opening an individual account at the same bank as our joint account.

I think our challenge is that it's easy to be the hero for other people, whereas, my needs are more complicated.

I think sometimes, DH thinks he's being the hero for me. He buys me flowers all the time and sometimes I'll come home and the kitchen will be totally cleaned. I think all of those things are nice and I appreciate them, but for him to truly be my hero, I would prefer someone who was thoughtful about money or held good boundaries with the annoying people in his life.

The way he is the hero for others is he does one, distinct thing for them - for his kids - buys them stuff; for his mom - completes small tasks at her home; for his employer - gets his work done quickly and with accuracy.

If I had a simple, straightforward task he could easily be my hero. In fact, sometimes he'll say to me, "just tell me what I can do to make you happy?" And I'll say, "I want us to be true partners." And he'll either say, "we are" or I think he's left wondering what that means. I've tried to be more specific in articulating that for him (i.e. providing an example where we didn't act like partners and how we might have done things differently), but being a partner is not, yet, an intuitive thing for him, so when another competing hero task (like taking the kids for ice cream after the movie) comes along, his brain pushes him to that, because that's how he's wired, rather than him thinking like a partner.

I ask myself that question and regularly point out fun, free things to do. When it's sunny out, I'm always saying, "let's go outside".

When I met DH he was really spending the farm on SKids. He would take them to expensive restaurants in the city, where they would each get adult meals (they were 8, almost 9 when I met them). There were a couple of times we all went out and their food was more expensive than ours. I've made them order off the kids menu a few places and they would whine about not getting a full adult meal. The first day I really hung out with them, we did *four* expensive activities in one day. We easily could have done one and called it a day, but nope. Part of it for them is DH just indulging them and part of it is now them expecting it. We've cut back a lot - thanks to me, the wicked SM - so now, a movie is a rare treat (especially since with tickets for 3 or 4 people (sometimes I go and sometimes I don't), popcorn, drinks and candy (can't go without of course...can't remember the last time I got concessions at the movie before I met DH), it costs us $50-75 a trip).