As the SP, your job vis-a-vis the skids is to keep them from dying. Nothing more, nothing less.

If they're about to die, you should stop whatever they're doing, and then DH should deal with it.

If they're engaging in obnoxious/inappropriate behavior, you should let your DH know so that he can deal with it.

If they're being disrespectful, you should let your husband know so that he can deal with it.

If they've made a mess, you should let your husband know so that he can deal with it.

If they've got bad grades, you should make sure your husband knows so that he can deal with it.

Notice a trend?

Your job is to help DH to see what's going on, and nothing more. If you try to discipline his kids, there will be issues between you and with you and the skids.

Disengagement is good.

Honestly, knowing what you do about his feelings towards his kids... I really think you should tread very carefully on the "you can punish them" permission.

He says this, but he also seems to have said multiple times that he doesn't see the same problems that you do. You may very well be setting yourself up for getting blamed further for punishing them "for nothing" or being too hard on his little angels.

For that reason, I would tell him that while you appreciate his trust that if HE is present that HE needs to be the one to correct and steer his children's behavior in the right direction. Now.. that doesn't mean that you tell him to punish them.. but like the post above. You can call to his attention when something needs to be rectified.

DH.. didn't you tell SS that he wasn't to get into snacks before dinner?

DH it looks like there is a mess in the living room. Can you get your boys to clean it up?

DH... your boys are fighting over the remote. I have a headache.. can you get them to tone it down.

Now, that doesn't mean you can't redirect them some.. like if you are out with one and he is doing something that needs correction IN THE MOMENT. Like DH goes to the bathroom while you are out eating and child stands on his seat. YOu say.. "SIT DOWN"..

I would also correct his girls on things like "please don't play with your food". "sip your soda quietly" "please use indoor voice".. now those aren't punishment worthy things.. just stuff kids need to be reminded of (over and over).

Don't let your DH take the lazy way out and make YOU the bad guy. And.. make him spend good stretches with his boys ALONE.. where HE has to step up and sink or swim.

This is the ultimate in a no-win situation.

If you do nothing, all behavior/actions you despise continue while inside you are absolutely seething and growing resentment not only towards the kids but your DH.

If you say something to your DH, you are a nag and hate his kids.

If you take matters into your own hands, you are being a biznotch and hate his kids.

I've been down this road. There is no "good" solution because nothing is ever right. Or fair. Or just. It's is the quintessential stepmother catch-22.

mmm
" He told me that I am the kid's stepmother and I can discipline his kids if it needs to be done"

yes that's how it should be DH, but what do you do when I do discipline them and only when you are not around... see that is the problem, the men say the right things but what do they do... their actions are the total opposite. As another adult in the home it's your right to discipline children if their parent is not there, same as in school with a student and a teacher....

Child is rude, you can say, You are being rude, please go to your room and think about it and when you are ready to apologize sincerely and change your behavior you will get your phone/xbox back and can come out of the room. Then if skid complains to Dad, Dad should say.. and why are you complaining kiddo, you where extremely rude and got light punishment if I where here I would be much more stern with you....

but now Dh is saying - you hate my kid you send him to his room boo-hoo...

Regarding homework supervision, not your responsibility, you only stand up for yourself, and do something if kid disrespects you, whether DH is there or not... the rest will remain DH's responsibility...

Great - now you need to discuss what he considers unacceptable behavior versus what you consider unacceptable behavior.

tank, you should find out what his definition is of "discipline".

it took my dh and i several years to be on the same page and for him to stop feeling like i was nagging him or having too high of expectations. once that phase passed, i could totally "discipline" them - and by that, i mean telling them to stop some undesirable behavior, or to "KNOCK IT OFF" or "NO, you are NOT bringing that into the house" or "DUDE, that's ENOUGH." dh would back me up, and i would back him up.

however, that idea of "discipline" did NOT include punishment of enforcement of consequences. that was completely dh's territory. if things got out of hand, i'd approach dh, explain what was going on, and say "DEAL WITH YOUR CHILD". the consequences that i personally would dole out were only things that *I* controlled. for example, i'd run kaos to g-ma's house or a friend's house on a fairly frequent basis. as he got older, he got mouthier and much more disrespectful, especially since it was just he and i in the car with no other witnesses (this also happened when it was just he and i at home). i had enough one day and put my foot down. i advised dh that kaos was, under NO circumstances, allowed to be alone with me, and i was not providing him ANY transportation. if dh couldn't, too bad, not my problem. i was totally hands-off. and i kept it that way for a long, long time. it would really piss him off if he wanted to go somewhere and no one else could take him but me - and he knew full well why i refused.

then you've also got consequences. "natural consequences" effectively 'punish' the child but it is not directly coming from you, it's a result of them ignoring you when you tell them to do or not do something. kid trashes his bike after you telling him to slow down and not be so reckless? too bad, so sad, kiddo. on the other hand, there's "enforced consequences" - for example, bickering over a video game after you told them to knock it off results in you confiscating the controllers or power cord for the rest of the weekend (and dh would have to back you up).

so with all that being said, please find out what both you and your dh have in mind when using the term "disciple" - verbal correction versus natural consequences versus punishment/enforced consequences. you both HAVE to be on the same page or one of you will end up undermining the other. if there's areas where you are NOT on the same page, you have to step back and let your dh handle his kids as HE sees fit.

i think you are on the right track of just sitting back and letting him handle EVERYTHING - that may eventually open his eyes to certain issues, then you and he could have a conversation about how you can help and support him so the family runs smoothly (in other words, when and *IF* the time is right for 'partial re-engagement' in certain areas or even with certain kids)

Tank,

The bottom line is that this is a no-win situation.. a TRAP that he is setting for you.

You have come on here a ton of times saying that he won't discipline his kids and doesn't see a problem with behavior. That means, anything you do will be viewed as picking on his poor wittle babies.

I would tell him.. thanks for the permission, but you expect HIM to raise and discipline his kids.

Great advice and experiences of disengagement here, all depending on how your DH chooses to discipline or what that means to him.

My experience is that DH thought I was over-reacting to pretty much anything when I tried to instill order in the house. Even if SDs were jumping on the furniture and ripping things off the walls and windows (literally).

It didn't work to have him be the person picking up, "DH, your girls left X mess in the living room, can you please make sure it's picked up?" His answer(s), "Why are you asking me?" or "I'll do it in a minute" (never done) or "Don't worry about it, they are just kids, they will make a mess." and so on.

If I did end up saying something, and this lasts until THIS DAY, and DH perceives it to be something he doesn't agree with he'll totally undermine me, even if I'm just having a conversation with one of the SDs. He'll jump in to "protect them" or "soften" what I'm saying...BUT the SD and I may have been totally fine. SD11 was irritated with him the other day because of this (we were talking about a movie, DH interrupted with some criticism that I was saying something he didn't like), SD11 looked at him, looked at me, shrugged and answered me anyway.

So I try to not get into involved conversations with them when he's around, I don't discipline when he's around and I don't try to get them to clean up (unless it's dinner/food/kitchen stuff which he supports) anything. I lock things up, hide things, not purchase things when they are with us because he cannot tell them NO. Parenting, discipline, consequences are like curse words for him, he literally flinches when I use those terms!

He knows how I feel and I refuse to get into conversations with him about college planning, school planning, extracurricular planning because it never ends well for me.

I'm ok with all this. I have my space and peace and we have a good relationship outside of his "parenting."