I hate her
I hate my partner's ex. I know all of us here can say that and I could go on and on about all the typical reasons why but here's the main one.
My partner doesn't know how to be selfish.
Funny right? Selfishness is a bad thing right? Maybe selfish isn't the right word. Maybe I should say he doesn't know how to put himself first. EVER.
I mean he's a parent so I guess many would say he shouldn't. Of course the kids needs come first. He's my boyfriend so of course he puts me first, right?
But he goes too far. I have seen my partner wear pants to work that were so ragged at the ankles that I feared he'd get them caught in machinery. You know why he didn't buy new ones? Because his son's pajamas had gotten too small and he 'needed' new ones. The next pay check he ignored getting new one's because my every day blue jeans were getting torn up around the ankles. Why did he finally replace them? I put the 'wrong' one's in the basket on our next shopping trip and 'made' him get a new pair.
My partner doesn't blink an eye at my going out to relax on my day off by taking a book with me and getting an iced coffee BUT feels the need to apologize if he keeps change in his pocket to buy a soda at work now and then.
I have many hobbies including video games. A year in advance my partner started the preorder for the squeal to one of his favorite games. He has spent countless hours on the first playing alone, online, and with friends. A few months before the new game comes out, having paid maybe 5 or 10 every paycheck or so I see that one of my favorite game series is putting out a new game. He goes and transfer's a large part of his preorder's funds into preordering my game to surprise me. I should also include that he has maybe 4 games of his own while I have managed to amass a collection of games over the years that would keep me occupied well into my aging years.
The kids talk about how daddy paid for mommy to take a pretty nice trip the last year they were together. This trip cost him around 2000 or so. He talks about how mad she got when he stopped 'allowing' her to get pedicures every month. So on and so on and yet my partner who is physically damaged due to his years in the military had NEVER had a message before to try and help with the pain he feels. Goes without seeing the eye doctor knowing he need's glasses. Has never had his hearing checked though we both know he's almost completely deaf and has to read lips.
Basically my partner takes care of everyone else and if he does finally do something for himself the guilt he feels is visible. He's explained to me 30 times about why he got himself a Bluetooth speaker, how it was on sale for WAY below its retail cost because it was a return and he got it from the employee store. How much he wanted one AND he earned money from a coworker by fixing something for him so the money didn't even come form his pay check. I use this speaker just as much as he does and I'm thrilled he got something for himself. It's this way for EVERYTHING.
I hate her because he made him feel like he doesn't deserve to enjoy his own life. Like he's a bad guy if he put his NEEDS before her or the children's wants.
I hate her because after a year and a half I'm still working on 'fixing' this. That I constantly reassure him he is allow to have simple comforts. That I'm not upset when he spends a little money on something he wants after working so hard. It's slowly getting better but every time I see that panic in his eyes and him start to explain why he got something to eat on the way home I hate her.
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Yup, my DH's ex wife was the
Yup, my DH's ex wife was the same way. She gave him a "weekly allowance" while she spent $3000-$5000 a year at the casino.
She complained how much he spent on potato chips, when she was literally buying over 20 things a month at Amazon, Home Shopping Network, and QVC.
She has made over 6 figures for the past 10 years at least, and still can't manage to pay her bills (living in a home her parents bought for her and her DH driving a car her parents gave to them), but really, it's all my DH (her ex husband's fault) that she has money troubles.
Don't waste precious time
Don't waste precious time thinking about BM.
My DH is too nice too, a bit of a pushover who has hard time putting himself first. He is just too sweet. ❤️❤️❤️ Plus he is RN, it fits his personality, caring for others. He also struggled financially his whole life, not because he is underemployed or underachiever but because BM refused to work. One income isn't easy to survive on with two kids. He put her through college in hopes she'd then get a job. Nope still wouldn't. Plus she treated him like crap. Now he pays spousal support in the significant amount and she will probably go for increase. What's amazing is that my DH has a disability ( not ON disability) and BM is healthy like a horse!
But I honestly don't bother hating her. Hate is too strong. We are enjoying our life and she isn't even on our radar (we do sometimes make jokes that our biggest hope is for BM to get married so we can stop paying alimony). Yes there are consequences of abuse but we live in the present. Our present is awesome. Just relax and enjoy your life together.
While I totally think you
While I totally think you have many, many reasons to hate her, you can't throw this all on her.
I asked my DH, who shares a lot of similarities with your SO, what his thoughts were. He thinks some issues are due to BM (i.e. apologizing for keeping spare change), some are due to his military experiences (e.g. buying for himself last), and some is him being a "good dude", as my DH says (e.g. putting some of his preorder money onto your preorder). Some of these things are fixable (e.g. the change), but some are going to be a part of him forever because it's part of who he is (e.g. preorder).
I can tell you from experience that helping DH work through his issues regarding BM was, and still is, tough. Repetition, repetition, repetition that you aren't her through your actions are the best bet. However, again, there are going to be times when he will just need to do for others before himself, and you have to let him, even if it pains you. If it is something that is part of who he is (e.g. preorder), he's going to be MORE hurt by not being able to do it than if you just let him do it.
By all means, hate BM for the things she has done, but don't anticipate completely changing him because you think it's all BM's doing. That is a fruitless effort that will do nothing but frustrate you both.
I'm still working on 'fixing"
I'm still working on 'fixing" this
This isn't for you to fix, you can be there for your SO and encourage him as he works to recover from the trauma of being married to his ex, but ultimately it's up to your SO to work on how he responds to his ex.
My SO is a bit like this.
My SO is a bit like this. His ex was verbally abusive and also hit him (luckily for her, he believes hitting women is wrong so he never struck back). Up until I came into his life, it appears to me he continued to let her walk all over him just so he could keep some peace and see his girls. I think I gave him the support he needed to stand up for himself. In the beginning, I let him use my car to run errands and he would pick me up from work. He was a little late one time - like maybe 15 or 20 mins....I was still in my office so I just kept working till he got there. He couldn't stop apologizing and was visibly nervous. He explained how she would scream if he was late or whatever. Also, this past weekend, I had extra money and wanted to get him some new pants & shirts. I make more than he does plus a chunk gets taken out of his pay for cs. He was so miserable while shopping which I couldn't figure out. I did it anyway cause he REALLY needed the clothes. He explained later that he just wants to make sure, as a man, that everyone else is taken care of first (me & his kids). He says he didn't feel emasculated or anything like that but he just didn't feel like he deserved it. That makes me sad